Has anyone done or is considering doing shared parental leave?

[Sprockerdilerock]

DH and I both work for the civil service and they offer shared parental leave where I can basically donate some of my maternity leave to DH.

I am entitled to a full year off so I was considering taking the first 9 months and then DH doing the final 3. He is very keen!

I think this could work really well for us especially as it would mean me going back to work near the beginning of the financial and reporting year so I could hit the ground running.

However one of my colleagues thinks I'm nuts to take the full year myself but not shed much light on why.

Are there any pitfalls I haven't considered? Or just anyone willing to share their experiences would be amazing!

We both took the first 6 months off at the same time - it was a good decision. We spent 6 weeks in the German alps, and did a few shorter trips. I never regretted 'giving up' half of the mat leave - DD was not the easiest baby and being able to spend some time at work, talking about adult things, was really good for me.

DH has a really strong bond with DD and is in fact still working 4 days a week while I'm doing full time at the moment. DD has always experienced him as an equal partner in terms of looking after her.

Nobody ever seemed to find it particularly strange or made negative comments, but I was amused to find that even some of our (young, modern) friends didn't seem to have thought about the possibility of doing so. Without exception they asked me how much time i was thinking of taking off, but nobody thought to ask DH.

So pleased to see some positive experiences! Obviously we will keep it flexible in case of any health issues on my part but it seems like its definitely a goer.

I do understand the selfish part of not wanting to give up any time with baby but the way I see it we are both equal parents and equally responsible.

Thanks all!

"Why wouldn't you want your DH/DP to be an equal parent?"

That's a bit of a leap. Why are you judging my DP as a lesser parent simply because we didn't split my maternity leave?

Is yours more of a parent than mine then? Bizarre way to think

@DavidsSchitt oh I hope I didnt come across like I'm being judgemental on people who chose not to! Of course every family and their circumstances are different and there are plenty of ways to be a good parent!!

I just can't see any downsides for us at the moment - DH is going to be just as much of a parent as me so it would be lovely for him to get some precious time with DC as well.

If it works for you then it works for you.

The idea that "precious time" spent with children makes you more of a parent is wrong though. It doesn't.

Parents are just that, and they are all different. A SAHP is no more of a parent than one who works full time for example.

@OkyDoke

We are doing 5 months and he will take 4. Again, higher earner so I need to get back to work!

We did this with DS; it worked well for us.

@lingo

And for those saying they wouldn't give their mat leave to DH, that's not the point, it's Shared Parental Leave the OP is talking about.

Well, it is kind of the point, as the mother has to reduce her maternity leave in order for their partner to take shared parental leave. You are effectively giving part of your maternity leave entitled to your partner.

OP we did it under the previous scheme (additional paternity leave), with me going back after 6 months and him doing the final 6 months. We knew we wanted a SAHP and it was a good opportunity for us both to try it out. (As we suspected, it really didn’t suit me, and DH became a SAHD once the leave ended.)

Probably selfish of me but I didn't want to give up any of my entitlement. DH would have been happy to share it and would have been great in that time, doing as much with DC as I did. But from the beginning he said it was totally up to me. He saw it as my right to a year off work having gone through the tougher physical aspects and if I wanted to give some of that time up then great and if I didn't then it was my choice.

I took 3 months, DH took 5, i took another 2. He's now part time and looks after DD 2 days a week.

It was brilliant. And I've never been the default parent, despite breastfeeding til she was 1. I think quality time with your baby is essential to good bonding and i do tend to wonder why people wouldn't want to share if it was financially viable.

Ours were little when this wasn't an option but I needed to work to keep my hand in and dh's firm was struggling so he actually took a day a week as unpaid leave instead so I could work part-time. It was brilliant: I loved being back at work and he got a chance to become an equally confident parent. That easy confidence around his children has gone on to influence his relationship with them ever since: the knowledge that you can go to dad for help or reassurance as easily as you can go to mum. They have benefited throughout their childhood and still do as young adults.

Still curious ppl referring to giving up their entitlement. Parents are entitled to 52 wks and can split it how they wish, it is no single person's entitlement. Following some of the logic on this thread, one could argue I took 9 months of my husband's entitlement. Everyone's choice is valid but the perception is interesting.

@lingo

Still curious ppl referring to giving up their entitlement. Parents are entitled to 52 wks and can split it how they wish, it is no single person's entitlement. Following some of the logic on this thread, one could argue I took 9 months of my husband's entitlement. Everyone's choice is valid but the perception is interesting.

Isn't it just. There's so much talk about men not pulling their weight, and then you have women insisting that their partners shouldn't have time off with their kids. You can see how it happens.

A lot of people I know do this as we live in Germany and it is much more accessible.

It really seems to help avoid that dynamic where you get competitively tired/my life is harder than yours and you don't understand - you each get a real insight into the other's lifestyle, especially when it's for 3 months as that's long enough for it to really make a difference. It also helps avoid the dynamic where the mum feels she has to write a list of instructions in order to go away for the weekend. When he's been doing the day to day care for weeks at a time it really eliminates that anxiety. It's all around great in general - go for it.

I think it feels a bit like they have taken your entitlement in the UK because 52 weeks is relatively short in the first place. In Germany you get up to 3 years you can split and up to 14 months (total) is paid, max 12 months to one person, so the extra 2 months is wasted if not shared. You can also stretch this out so you get half the pay over double the time, so essentially get paid for 2 years. It works much better and doesn't feel like losing time.

DH and I both took some time but we overlapped it at the start so we took 5 months off together and then I took total 2 years. He wants to do the same again.

Ohalrightthen Sat 06-Feb-21 16:54:32

lingo
Still curious ppl referring to giving up their entitlement. Parents are entitled to 52 wks and can split it how they wish, it is no single person's entitlement. Following some of the logic on this thread, one could argue I took 9 months of my husband's entitlement. Everyone's choice is valid but the perception is interesting.

Isn't it just. There's so much talk about men not pulling their weight, and then you have women insisting that their partners shouldn't have time off with their kids. You can see how it happens.

Absolutely. Men should be equal parents...but they mustn't be as equal as mothers.

@lingo

Still curious ppl referring to giving up their entitlement. Parents are entitled to 52 wks and can split it how they wish, it is no single person's entitlement. Following some of the logic on this thread, one could argue I took 9 months of my husband's entitlement. Everyone's choice is valid but the perception is interesting.

I was on maternity leave. For DH to have extended leave would mean I would have give up some of my entitlement to a year of maternity leave and switch some of it to shared parental leave.

That's how I understood it. My company refers to maternity leave and shared parental leave and they are different things. Both can be applied for but they aren't the same.

Yes, it could be argued that in taking my full year of ML I denied DH his SPL entitlement. His view was that my entitlement was mine to keep or share as I wanted.

"There's so much talk about men not pulling their weight, and then you have women insisting that their partners shouldn't have time off with their kids. You can see how it happens."

Not the case in my household. You're making a hell of a lot of assumptions there.

It's not the same, but my DP (birth mum) went back to work after 6 months as we couldn't afford more time, and we both worked part-time with me doing more days with the baby; I only went back full time when DD was two. The thing that strikes me is that the early bit is so much harder (and esp if you end up having a difficult birth and struggling with the recovery). When DD was nine months old she was so, so, so much easier to look after than when she was newborn. So your DP would get the easy end. That's not a bad thing at all, but worth thinking about.

Cautionary tale - I have a friend who did shared parental leave and went back, quite miserably, when her baby was still quite small (six months?), having cut down breastfeeding sooner than she'd have liked. Her DP almost immediately decided he couldn't cope, handed the baby over to his mother so he could go into work for a bit to escape, and within a very short period of time, baby was in nursery full time.

@lingo

Still curious ppl referring to giving up their entitlement. Parents are entitled to 52 wks and can split it how they wish, it is no single person's entitlement. Following some of the logic on this thread, one could argue I took 9 months of my husband's entitlement. Everyone's choice is valid but the perception is interesting.

Legally the mother is entitled to 52 weeks maternity leave. The partner is not entitled to shared parental leave unless the mother agrees to give up some of her entitlement. Stating the legal position doesn’t mean you believe that parenting should not equal. You may be interested to know that recent claims for discrimination where a company paid enhanced maternity pay but not enhanced shared parental leave failed, in part because maternity leave is for the health and safety of the mother.

We did that, we're both civil servants - it was brilliant. I admit I wobbled going back to work at 9 months, but seeing how much more equal our relationship and child-rearing is compared to friends and family who haven't shared it, it was 100% the right thing to do.

DH was the higher earner at the time, so I took 3 months paid, 3 months statutory and 3 months unpaid, then his 3 months were paid (only possible because we were both civil servants, and of course all income is shared).

I think the argument about it helping prevent the mother becoming one which does 90% of the parenting is a red herring.

Those fathers who are willing & able to take months of SPL would likely have been involved & capable fathers with or without that time

We did. I took 7 months and then used up my annual leave to take another six weeks when DH was at home as well (which I think was really helpful). DS is now 3 and we're expecting another baby in about 5 weeks, and doing the same this time, although it's a bit different as we both work four days now, and we're both currently working from home.

It was partly practical (I earn more) and partly that we agreed we both wanted time with DS, and we generally try and split things as evenly as possible. We both know the advantages and disadvantages of being at work and at home, and I'd say we're both pretty good at being aware of that in terms of expectations, giving each other breaks etc. Personally I liked going back to work (I generally enjoy my job) and coming home to a baby who was really happy to see me. I still felt like I had time to play with DS every day, and have some lovely memories of him at that age. We both had to figure out our own ways of doing things and I feel like DS has good, if different, relationships with both of us.

Obviously I don't know what it would have been like if we hadn't done it, but generally I feel like it worked for us. A couple of practical things to think about:

a) Feeding. We were both quite worried as DS was breastfed and always refused bottles and while he was eating solid food at that stage, we thought it might not be enough. On my first day back we all met in the park for lunch just in case, but DS was happy without a feed, and was fine with feeding in the morning and evening, and having solid food/water during the day. I initially expressed for comfort during the day, but my body adjusted quite quickly.

b) Sleep. DS didn't sleep through until I chose to stop feeding at night at about 13 months (really should have stopped earlier!). He generally only woke up once but it definitely felt like I worked better once I wasn't having regularly disturbed sleep.

The only annoying thing is that DH's company has better terms and conditions for maternity leave than where I work, but he didn't get those as a father - we both got the terms of my work (which meant most of his leave was unpaid). Definitely think there should be better conditions for SPL.

Good luck OP!

Those fathers who are willing & able to take months of SPL would likely have been involved & capable fathers with or without that time

I am sure dh would have been an involved father anyway. But having that time with the dc when I wasn't there helped him to think of himself as being in charge, having full responsibility, rather than just doing things with the option of back-up in an emergency. If something went wrong, if dc were inconsolable and he couldn't work out why, he just had to deal with it just as I would have had to. That influenced how he thought of his role as a father and that in time transferred to the way his children thought of him.

It's not necessarily about the amount of time; we all know that working parents can be just as close to their children as SAHP. It is that feeling of having full responsibility, which can be quite difficult to achieve if the mother is always within call. It really did make a difference.

Those fathers who are willing & able to take months of SPL would likely have been involved & capable fathers with or without that time

Absolutely. And DH has been a totally capable and involved father without having any hared parental leave.

I did think about the breastfeeding issue which is why we will likely go with 9 months vs 3 rather than 50/50. Also recognise itll be important for me to have enough time off to physically recover from being pregnant/birth. I work from home a lot anyway so hopefully is feeding is an issue we can work around it.

I'm so pleased to hear so many people have done it and liked it, I dont know anyone in real life who has.

Out of curiosity @DappledThings and @DavidsSchitt (and again no offence meant every family is different) would you still not do it even if your partners were really keen to experience parental leave?

@Sprockerdilerock

I did think about the breastfeeding issue which is why we will likely go with 9 months vs 3 rather than 50/50. Also recognise itll be important for me to have enough time off to physically recover from being pregnant/birth. I work from home a lot anyway so hopefully is feeding is an issue we can work around it.

I'm so pleased to hear so many people have done it and liked it, I dont know anyone in real life who has.

Out of curiosity @DappledThings and @DavidsSchitt (and again no offence meant every family is different) would you still not do it even if your partners were really keen to experience parental leave?

RE breastfeeding, i went back to work after 3 months, but was WFH and kept breastfeeding til DD was 1yr. It was fine. I occasionally had to feed her on mute with my video off on teams. My boss found it v funny.