How do I make myself like being a mum?

[RokosBasilDish]

I don’t enjoy motherhood. How do I force myself to like it?

Parenting in lockdown is awful too. We are being deprived of our usually social world, and so are our kids. Most parents are struggling

@RokosBasilDish

I don’t enjoy motherhood. How do I force myself to like it?

You learn to like it by accepting there are literally 10000s of ways to “be a mum”. For me it was working 4 days, one day solo with ds and two days shared parenting with dh. I loved the time with ds but only once I had time away from him too. You have to find what works for you.

I just changed my attitude to it because I was sick of being miserable. I stopped wanting my old life back and just looked for ways to enjoy the new life. That is so hard during lockdown. But long term, I got a massive enjoyment out of teaching DC stuff, doing things with them that I'd loved as a child but hadn't had the excuse to do since growing up or doing things I'd never done in childhood but now had an excuse to do.
Anything from riding mini steam trains and going to Legoland to making mud pies in the garden, having teddy bear picnics, dancing in the kitchen etc.
I put effort into helping Dc learn to speak as it was so much less boring when we could chat and they had fewer tantrums when they could explain what they needed or wanted.

But lockdown is really hard on parents with young children. Just get through it as well as you can - play music you love listening to, spend time with him and then encourage him to play alone, to entertain himself for a bit or watch TV while you get a break to think your own thoughts.

I found toddlerhood quite boring and stressful sometimes - I did learn that actually if I was feeling miserable and not at all like playing with them, if I just forced myself I did get into it and was happier than if I just sat there trying to ignore them.

People can feel very strongly at different stages - TBH, you may just not like being a mum at this stage but you will likely find a stage when you do enjoy it and relate to them more, it's totally normal just to find some stages a drag. I think I enjoyed being a mum more once they were more verbal than the tiny newborn stage, for example.

I went back to work part time. A day with dcs, three days work, day with dcs then two days with DH and dcs,

Full time parenthood wasn't for me.

Well he's hyper and noisy and destructive - who in their right mind would enjoy that? I planned to be a SAHP but went back to work to save my sanity.

15 months is more work and less fun than a proper chatty toddler, which he'll be in no time. At that age I mostly took mine to hang out in toddler groups/ soft play with other mothers I liked and their similar aged children as it can be pretty dull. Things will get much much easier and enjoyment will come. Just cover the basics with the baby and try to do some stuff for yourself when you can (exercise/ read/ zoom friends or family etc).

Meant to say that you are obviously in a difficult position with groups and soft play and cafes all closed, so do be gentle with yourself.

Oh op, don't be so hard on yourself!
Its a tough job doing!

I wonder with your last post if you're experiencing a touch of depression and, if so, please reach out to your doctor for some support. They won't judge you, as we haven't.

I know so many mums who say they hated they baby stage. Some people make it look effortless, but it's a hard slog for everyone.

You are not a bad mother, nor are you failing, some because you're struggling even though your dh does his fair share. You're a normal mum :)

Are you holding yourself to unrealistic (idealised) expectations of how you should be/ what you should be doing as a mum?

If so, stop. And don't compare yourself to those who seem to have it down. If they really did, mumsnet wouldn't exist!

All you have to do is keep baby safe and well. I also suspect you're doing a much better job than you're giving yourself credit for.

It sounds like you need some TLC yourself, so I hope you can reach out to your DJ, family or friends for it.

The first 2 years are really tough but it will get better.

Maybe you just aren’t cut out for being a SAHM, can you go back to work?

Work part time. Be patient till he is older, 15 months is hardly the golden era of parenting fun. My kids are 5 and 8 and I love parenting them. Not so much when they were toddlers.

Suggesting the Op may 'not be cut out to be a SAHM' seems a bit harsh. I think I know what you mean, but phrasing it this way can be interpreted as its something of a failure.

Different things make different people happy, not being happy during a difficult part of childrearing doesn't mean she's not cut out as SAHM, even if being a working mum suits her better.

@TaraR2020

Suggesting the Op may 'not be cut out to be a SAHM' seems a bit harsh. I think I know what you mean, but phrasing it this way can be interpreted as its something of a failure.

Different things make different people happy, not being happy during a difficult part of childrearing doesn't mean she's not cut out as SAHM, even if being a working mum suits her better.

By definition, if being a working mum suits her better, she's not cut out to be a SAHM. I don't think that's harsh at all! I think it absolutely normalises the idea that it's completely natural to not want to spend 95% of your time with your kids.

I'm not cut out to be a firefighter. Or a teacher. Doesn't make me a failure.

I think there is far too much pressure in this country to be involved with little ones.

So many people are having full meltdowns and in despair because a few baby groups and classes are shut, while others do not even know they existed and are absolutely fine!

Have a routine, that helps. Of course make sure your child is safe and has toys to play with.

But you don't have to play with them! I found life so much easier to leave my kids ...just be. Chores in the morning, a toddler can "help" or play with something else.

helping can mean emptying your bag of pegs, "dusting" emptying one drawer (keep them occupied for ages, takes 2 minutes to put back..)

Then I've always spend at least 1 hour or 2 outside in the morning unless it's absolutely pouring with rain. Home for lunch, then back outside in the afternoon. Home where they play while you make diner, then LONG bath, storie time, bed...

it's not the most exciting when everything is shut, but if you get everything done when they are awake, you have your time back when they are finally asleep. They are happy to be with you, you don't stress.
Put music on instead of tv, little ones love to dance when they are "helping".

That age is really boring and relentless a lot of the time. I really appreciated the time I spent at work when DD was that age, and I definitively made me a more patient parent.

If you’re the worst mother in the world so am I. I hightailed it back to full time work when DC was 6 months old and suddenly started not hating motherhood! DC is now 3 and we’re having another. Turns out I like them from toddler stage onwards. You still couldn’t ever persuade me to be a SAHM though.

And I would definitely say I no longer regret having DC. So it’s not that I’m escaping DC by going to work and continuing to regret it IYSWIM? I’m now glad we did it, so much so that we’re expecting our second...I’m just assuming I’ll grit my teeth during mat leave and go back to work earlyish again.