How do I make myself like being a mum?

[RokosBasilDish]

I don’t enjoy motherhood. How do I force myself to like it?

OP - you say that you're impatient and he's hyper noisy. Might be that you have to go with your instincts rather than what you feel that you should do. Maybe you both need more roughty toughty dancing to loud music etc?

Can you think of moments you did enjoy? Is there something you do like doing e.g. story time, bath time. You don't need to like it all. Also you don't need to spend time thinking about whether or not you enjoy it.

Chasing him around the room, giving him things to follow you around your home with. Active play. Just be silly and go with it.

@mrwalkensir Thanks I’m going to try that tomorrow. What music would you recommend?

My little one likes doing outside. So snowmen, walks, ducks, sticks, digging, gardening.
Anything else other than telly is painful and last 3 mins

I suppose the hardest thing about being a mother is how lonely it is to be just expected to give yourself up. It doesn't seem natural to have to do that. It's too intense.

I have support and my husband does about 50% childcare even though he works and I don’t. It makes me feel even worse about myself that I can’t even cope with looking after him for a few hours at a time.

Thanks for being nice everyone. I hate myself so much I assumed everyone else would too and tell me I’m awful and the worst mum who ever lived

Please don't be so hard on yourself, and you absolutely don't have to fake it or force yourself to love Motherhood!

It is such a huge change, to go from independent woman, to the beck and call of a tiny human. I lost so much of my identity when I had my son, it was insanely difficult.

I HATED the baby stage (agree with PP I find people who love it total weirdos!) I enjoy it more and more as time goes by.

As PP have said, don't underestimate how hard lockdown is making this too - I spent most of my time out of the house when my DS (now 3) was that age.

Also second a schedule 100% - and stick to it! I've started doing one with lockdown 3 and it's made a huge difference.

Try and plan in some activities each day, and order a tuff tray so you can do some messy play (doesn't have to be really messy, but great for baking, painting, flour and oats etc - I only do messy play I can hoover up because I CBA with scrubbing the carpet etc) Our tuff tray is just a builders tray for £10.

Also plan in outdoor time if you can, I try and plan an hour outside each day (if it rains he gets wellies and a puddle suit on and we go puddle jumping, I've blocked out the 15 m stage so no idea if that's suitable!) But we go the park, go for a walk, play in the garden.

I use bath time as an activity in itself, can take a good hour with toys and bubbles.

Use the TV if you need to and he'll watch it.

Also, if it's affordable, maybe consider a climbing frame? We bought one for DS to try and stop him scaling the floor-ceiling cat tree and he uses it loads even now (it's got a slide and stuff, it folds away neatly and flat when he isn't using it)

I'm rubbish at playing toys, I always say my hubby is the fun one.

Umm... I also introduced a toy rotation - I'm sure I read something that the more toys a child has available, the less they play as it's overwhelming.

So he has a load of toys in a box under the stairs, some in his bedroom (he rarely plays in there), and then toys in the playroom (our conservatory, it ain't as posh as it sounds!) I rotate the toys around every 2-3 months or so and that helps hugely - I'm sure it was around your sons age I started, as my DS didn't care for toys.

Also look very carefully at your MH, I had severe PNA after I had my son, and it ended up as PND. Call your GP if you're really struggling.

If all that is no use, put him in nursery and go back to work - my friend HATES being a mum and this is what it's taken for her to start re-claiming her MH.

Good luck it'll feel like forever right now, but it is temporary.

I would really, really recommend you putting him in nursery and getting back to work. Take your life back. I went back to work when DD was 3m, and I have never regretted it.

What music do YOU like?? Start there I would.

Try to make this as bearable for you as you can. If you hate toys but love cooking, get involved with messy play with flour maybe or cutting / smashing basic biscuit dough??

If you can't stand stories but love outdoors get out and walking / exploring / nature hunts

If you love snuggling up with books make a den and try that??

I love baths - obviously very different experience with a toddler but still something I'd take every day over role playing or similar.

I'm quite a selfish parent really but generally the kids don't know any different and it helps keep me sane and happy - which in a way is a selfless act to serve them better

Give it some time and they'll be asking how your day was, loading the washing machine, making you tea, having a funny chat. Early months are awful. So hard. It does get better. They get more independent by the year and with every portion of relief I missed each stage. Well. A bit.

We don't have babies because we love babies. We are making a family. It takes time and you have done or are doing the hardest bit x

Op your baby is 15 months, a month older than mine. This isn't normal parenting. It's like parenting in a pressure cooker. Whatever you would have done if you'd had your baby 2 years ago is not what you have been doing for the last year. Please be kind to yourself.

when my two get screamy I put on Sonic the Hedgehog "Gotta go Fast" and let them have a jiggle. Let them have a scream.

If you've got sofa cushions get them on the floor and let him reenact soft play. If you've got any outside space get him outside running it off or of you've room get a little trampoline.

In the real world we'd all be doing it differently, as it is we just have to do our best

It takes a bit of time. You're doing great xxx

15 months is a difficult age; as others have said, they’re old enough to make a noise/mess/nuisance of themselves, but not old enough to give much back....

Turn it around. What do YOU like to do? Now look at those things that you like to do that you can do with a toddler. Obviously, if your passion is for Wagner’s Ring Cycle, or a 70k cycle ride, then that’s not going to happen. But if you enjoy, say, going to an art gallery, or having a coffee in the afternoon with a friend, or having a potter round the shops - then this is all possible. And what might seem daunting at first seems much less so when you’ve done it a few times.

The other - unrelated - point I’d make is that having a 15 month old is very different from having a 5 year old. Which is different again from having a 10 year old. I have very little patience; it’s now a family joke with my kids, but it doesn’t “matter” so much when they’re older. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, which often manifest themselves at different stages of children’s development. You’ll find what works for you and your son. This may not be what works for someone else and theirs....but it doesn’t matter. Kids don’t come with an instruction manual. And don’t beat yourself up if you find a stage hard. Everyone (whether they admit it or not) does.

Ah OP, I'm sending you a hug x
I feel the same sometimes. I get lots of help from my OH and he works too. Like he does so much and it makes me feel guilty too. But that's what they are there for. They are there to support the child too. Dont feel guilty. It's not the same right now. When I had my first baby 2 years ago I was out every day. Even just walking round the shops. Going for a swim, going to the soft play, going to my friends house for a cuppa. All these things help you with a routine and a daily plan. It's hard doing nothing. Things will get easier, have you spoken to your HV or doctor? I had CBT last year for my anxiety and I felt it really helped me.

Sometimes people comment that children 'give more back's once you are able to have a conversation with them, they can talk, etc.
But they don't see the world like you do, and aren't fulfilling company if that's all you have, e.g, a single parent.
Maybe being a parent should be a much smaller part of our lives, and certainly not imprisoning.

agree with the others - any music that you like. Any great tune. He won't know whether it's 60s' or 2020's.... just enjoy :) Ours are Bowie and Blondie addicts...

and Teardrop Explodes Kilimanjaro....and now Hamilton and Tim Minchin. Just embrace it

Oh op! That age can be so hard please don’t beat yourself up! They’re non-verbal, have the attention span of a goldfish and normally a little whirlwind trashing the place rather than actively playing with toys

It’s so normal and you’re not doing anything wrong.

Agree with others, try the music thing or get him involved in things you like doing. It might make it easier for you

It gets better OP. Still in a really hard stage. It gets better around that age (well, did for me) as they walk and talk and build up to having a chat.
Now mine never shut up.
It's hard and can be boring and exhausting so don't feel bad!

Get a childminder & go back to work.

I enjoyed baby stage but I'm so pleased our wonderful CN did all the play groups and toddler play stuff. I just wasn't that good at it and I didn't enjoy it. I also didn't enjoy the whole mum/toddler group thing. Soft play is my hell.

Do it your way op. You don't have to stomp the path that might seem like is laid out for you both. Find your own groove

My DC is 18 months old, so we're only a little further down the road.

Best advice I ever heard was to involve your child in your life. If you're not a natural get on the floor and play sort of parent (I'm not), I found involving DC in my chores and talking constantly about what I'm doing, what the food/objects are etc, makes the day fly by. It's hard with nothing being open in lockdown too.

When out for a walk the other day I briefly talked to a woman I didn't know, who had a 3 year old. She asked how old my DC was and said 'god it's such a hard age, they're feral at that age aren't they?' I would never have described it like that before but I completely understand what she means - if we get to the end of the day and a shoe hasn't been dropped down the loo, I consider it a successful day! You're doing great OP

YY to everyone saying to start by asking what you like to do, and work out whether there are ways of sharing a bit of that with DC. E.g. I love reading and cooking, so I enjoyed bulk-buying kids' books to read aloud, and also involved mine with v basic food prep (or even just exploring onion peel and kitchen equipment while sitting in the high chair while I l cooked) from very early on. Obviously I didn't get to sit and read War and Peace for hours on the sofa undisturbed or do a day of cordon bleu cookery in peace, but I still felt that I was doing things I was confident at and enjoyed. Conversely, I'm rubbish at messy play and most crafts, so do very little of that. I know some very sporty parents who naturally incorporate lots of active play, playing football in the garden etc with their toddlers. Follow the child and their interests where you can, but also play to your strengths! Often they end up enjoying what you enjoy. At 15 months they are as likely to be interested in what you are doing as in some lovingly-created child-centred activity, so try to get on with your day a bit and just incorporate him into it if you can. You don't have to be making rainbow rice and so on if you're not that sort of mum: taking him to the supermarket in the buggy or letting him potter along behind you in the house with a dustpan and brush while you do the vacuuming is fine, and might take off some of the pressure you feel about how to fill the hours.

@RokosBasilDish

Son is 15 months. I sit on the floor to play with him but he’s not interested. He’s hyper and noisy. The noise and monotonous days are the things I dislike the most about being a mother. I thought with becoming a mother Id become more patient, but I’m more impatient. I spend my days crying and trying not to shout at him as he destroys the room. I’ve tried breathing techniques to help me stay calm. It didn’t help. Do I need to just pretend I’m happy and eventually I might start to feel that way for real?

Are you SAHM? In my experience, people really don't know how they will take to motherhood until they do it. I have friends who were going to give up work and spend years being SAHMs. And who were fighting to get back to the office soon after the birth. And others who wanted to keep working who discovered they just were not interested and wanted to be at home. Both are valid options, it is whatever works for you. It may be that you will feel differently as he gets older - some people aren't really interested in children until they are a little more interactive. But if you are not happy with what you are doing, it makes sense to see if you can make any changes. Do you get any time away from your kid? Could you work? Best of luck to you whatever you decide to do.

I love my kids but find parenting a slog, especially being a SAHP. I am happiest when things are in balance between work and parenting, and between family time and me time.