Feeling a bit crap after comments from co-worker

[FullOfHotAir]

I started a part time job after being made redundant a few moths ago.

I was overjoyed to get the job. I started on a trial and was introduced to my co-worker who does the same job as me but longer hours and has been there from the start.

She started off being nice to me and though I had reservations about the job she made me feel welcome and I decided to give the job a chance.

Anyway without waffling, fast forward three weeks and I’ve noticed the other lady to be a bit of a queen bee and a gossip but I’ve kept my head down and try the best I can and not get involved.

We have a small radio in the place and she keeps it on volume 2 and you can literally hear bellies rumbling and people talking at the end of the phone, it’s that quiet.

I try to make people feel welcome when they come in. But with masks on and protective plastic screens up it’s difficult to hear anyone properly (I also have tinnitus in both ears which may be impacting my hearing) so I often speak clearly so people can understand when I give them instructions (on where to wait to see who they need to see etc).

I’ve met some lovely clients and got on well with everyone and I’ve been turning around to my see my coworker with a face like a slapped arse.. so thought I was annoying her by being too outgoing and although I’ve been getting positive feedback i thought I may be treading on her toes slightly.

I’ve had no official training and I’ve literally been winging it but thought I was doing well.

Today we had a quiet moment and my co worker sat opposite me and said ‘I’ve got to tell you something, you’re far too loud and your voice is travelling, you try too hard etc.. Alongside of other stuff, she went on about negative stuff about me for about 4-5 minutes while I sat mortified (thank god for masks).

I was embarrassed and felt quite small after. It felt personal and I spent the rest of my time there walking on eggshells and barely talking to anyone who came in in case I was too loud.

I’ve been really doubting myself and feel like I’m probably really over sensitive and wondering is this the reason my job role has had such a high turnover of staff?

Don’t know what my question is really but I just feel crap and sort of dreading going in tomorrow. How would you handle this going forward?

I think you are correct in your belief that this may be why the job has a high turnover of staff. Her comments say more about her than you.

Is there a manager you could talk to? But don't feel bad you sound lovely

She’s jealous of you and knows you are getting good feedback.

Ignore her and stop treading on eggshells

Oh gosh my stomach tightened for you there. What an absolute cow. Why does she think it's her job to appraise you?. This is her problem OP, not yours.

Hold your head high.
Know you're doing a fantastic job.
Stick a middle finger up to her back as she walks away.

Is she in any way in charge of you? If not, I would definitely moan to the manager. Who the bloody hell does she think she is? You sound like you have great customer service skills. She sounds like she should be working in a mortuary!

Turn your volume up tomorrow and carry on doing your thing. You’re obviously doing great and she’s jealous as hell.

I can’t really approach the manager as even when she interviewed me she was gushing about the my co-worker and how she often gets name checked on the feedback form from patients. I was happy to be working alongside someone so highly regarded.

So many people have started and left my particular job role in the last few years, I’m now starting to think they may have been made to feel uncomfortable too, or am I over reaching slightly?

I would have taken on board comments such as let’s be discreet when talking to clients etc (though I am hardly shouting out their personal details to all and sundry) but it felt quite personal today which is why I am doubting myself, as let’s face it no one likes criticism.

I am married with two kids and dreading going in tomorrow. I feel so silly and childish. I keep getting hot and embarrassed thinking about her giving me this dressing down. I can't tell anyone in real life.

Given how quiet she has the radio, I suspect she's quite noise sensitive. You're speaking loud enough to be heard through the screens, and over your tinnitus. So it probably is a bit loud. And if she's noise sensitive and you're a bit loud...that can be utterly exhausting.

She sounds horrible. If you’re dreading going in this much I doubt you’ll stay long anyway in which case no harm saying something.

You won’t be the first person who’s felt this way. If she’s attacking you after three weeks she have done this to everyone sooner or later. I wonder if your manager just doesn’t want to deal with it so tried to put you off raising it by being so nice about her.

nocoolnamesleft I totally get that, I did think of that, but I would have been grateful for the heads up in a kind way.

I have noticed she has screeched with laughter when talking with other staff and I have brothers with Aspergers who are very sensitive to loud noises but they do communicate to people regarding their condition and then people are respectful and thoughtful (most of the time).

I can't put my finger on why I feel so awful about it.

I worked on a ward once where many of the long term staff just HATED that I was very pleasant and professional with everyone. They were brusque to the point of rudeness with both staff and patients. I believe they didn't like that being flagged by my opposite manner. I got good feedback from the patients too. She is threatened by you cos you are doing well.

But the embarrassment should be hers. If you had a scheduled time for feedback from your line manager then you would expect to hear about areas to work on after the things that have gone well. This wasn’t a meeting, she isn’t your line manager and she was rude.

How do you want to handle it?

I have to tell you that yesterday I was upset by your criticisms. You aren’t my line manager and I don’t expect your comments any more than you expect mine.

How do you want to handle it? Professional but out her in her place and clarify that she isn’t your line manager.

Roar with laughter when you see her ... funny you think I am loud - have been on my best behaviour so far... honeymoon is over now huh!

Gift her some calming herbal tea and some tiger balm - poor you, really weren’t yourself yesterday. Hope you feel better as you turn and carry in as loudly as possible.

Ask the manager to clarify who your line manager is? You want to a chedule in some time for feedback after complaints from co-wanker.

Op tell her to do one. How dare she make you feel any type of way? Honestly, stand up for youself and let her know you won't have it. "Hey X regarding the other day, when you dragged me for filth, if you were a tactful person, that could have been discussed in private. However, seeing as you lack the discretion or kindness required to have a civilised conversation, I wanted to let you know that I don't care about your opinions, I am here to do a job so if you can't be nice, at least be respectful of that fact and try to be civil. Then only speak to her as and when you need to. Put that bully in her place.

It's great, you now have the heads up that she is going to try to undermine your confidence. So stand tall, do your job, be super nice to her and just nod and smile and let her criticism fall flat on its face. Crunch those eggshells don't tiptoe around her.

If you’re dreading going in this much I doubt you’ll stay long anyway in which case no harm saying something

This

I left my last job due to workplace bullying. In my case it was my line manager but honestly with hindsight seeing as it caused me to quit anyway, I wish I'd said something to her manager.

I discovered after I left the high turnover (which the company went to quite some lengths to hide from me!) in that role, and also had a really odd conversation with her manager that I didn't twig until too late was him admitting the company knew she was the problem. I was very ill at the time (mentally, I'd had problems previously but her behaviour - which included some seriously fucked up gaslighting and dirty tricks) had pushed me to the brink of another breakdown.

If I am EVER in a similar situation again I won't hesitate to speak to higher management as really if you're on the brink of leaving anyway then there's nothing to lose.

Especially this early on in a new job when you can simply walk away and not even have it on your cv if you wish.

Speak to the manager, be factual but assertive and don't be fobbed off. Point out that the high turnover must surely have a common denominator.

No job is worth your mental health suffering.

Hold your headup high and dont whatever you do try to be "less annoying"

Oh yes, you have a queen bee there. She sees the place as her domain, and you're an upstart who needs to learn her place in the pecking order. If you are the sort to let this really upset you then I don't think you'll stay long in the job. Sounds like you're treading a path walked by many in that role.

I hadva much younger woman at work give me the silent treatment and i stupidly ignored it and it got worse not better. If i had the time over again i would say to her "aoife, i feel like you are so warm and friendly to everybody except me. Is that your intention?".

And then if she'd denied it was her intention i could have said so glad u did not mesn to be disrespectful. Can i count on you to show respect to everybody?"

But i ignored it and became more and more isolated
Until she left. And things magically improved.

You sound really lovely and she feels threatened. Just ignore as other have said. Don't change!

Telling you you ‘try too hard’ is ridiculous, you’re starting a new job and you’re keen to do it well. Whether she has issues with noise (I doubt it) or not, telling you you try too hard is just unkind and absolutely not for her to be having an opinion on anyway. She’s not your line manager

I would speak to your manager. Tell them you’ve been really enjoying your job and thought you were doing ok, but X said you were trying too hard etc. so you thought you’d better check because it left you feeling a little flat and demoralised.

I would bet my last tenner that she sees you as a threat.

If X says you shouldn’t have run to the manager tell her you wanted a second opinion from someone superior.

I'd speak to your manager and say 'please can I have your advice? Co-worker doesn't think I'm doing a very good job and I'm not sure how to handle it'
Your manager will ask why, and you can be very factual and repeat the 'feedback' your coworker has so unkindly given you.

Another vote here for the colleague being jealous and feeling threatened by you. Just ignore her as best you can, though sometimes it's easier said than done.