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Original poster

DP being investigated for cancer

75 replies

ShiningGonnaShine · 04/02/2021 17:59

I've NCd because I haven't been especially scrupulous about guarding my MN identity in the past and I don't want anyone I know to work out this is me.

My 45 year old DP is being investigated for bladder cancer. It's come as a real shock and we've both been knocked for six by the news, him especially.

He doesn't want anyone to know (yet - he hasn't had a biopsy yet so we don't know for certain it is cancer (although it seems likely) or what type/stage/treatment he's faced with) so I haven't got anyone to talk to IRL about this. Just wondering if anyone has any experience of dealing with this? How do I support him? What things should I be doing?

OP posts:
Original poster
ShiningGonnaShine · 04/02/2021 18:53

Anyone?

OP posts:
mindutopia · 04/02/2021 18:59

I would say don't panic yet. Has he had an urgent referral? I've just had some tests come back which technically warrant a referral on the two week pathway. I don't think it's cancer. 9 out of 10 urgent referrals for cancer are not cancer. They're just being sensible and cautious, as they should be. I would try to focus on what you can control. Do you know when his next appt will be? Take some time off work as needed, go for a walk, get some headspace, etc until you know more.

DarcyJack · 04/02/2021 19:07

I guess you've looked thus up already but most bladder cancers are very treatable.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General health
FossilisedFanny · 04/02/2021 19:11

What tests has he already had ? So easy to say, but try not to panic and as my friend says to me ‘ Don’t do what if’s’ x

Scarby9 · 04/02/2021 19:16

My best friend is also currently under investigation for either bladder or ovarian cancer (surprised they are saying either). Two scans and blood tests down - another scan next week. She just wants the lump removed and the uncertainty gone.
It is so scary, and even worse that she is having to do it all on her own.
Big hugs to you and your DP.

Harpydragon · 04/02/2021 19:18

If it helps any my uncle has been living with bladder cancer for the last 20 years. He is regularly checked, has had an occasional operation but is otherwise fit and well and living life to the full.

Original poster
ShiningGonnaShine · 04/02/2021 20:22

Thank you so much everyone.

@mindutopia - hope your own tests etc go well for you. Flowers.

@DarcyJack - I think it depends very much on grade /stage (from what we can gather) but, hopefully! Fingers crossed.

@FossilisedFanny - He went to the doctor back in November after having blood in his semen/wee and had a few tests (blood, ultrasound etc), which all came back fine. But he had a procedure last week (I can't remember/work out why he had this, as he seemed to think that all of the other tests were fine) in which they inserted a camera into his bladder. They found a small tumour. We've looked into it and it seems pretty likely that it's cancer (or, rather, it's quite uncommon for tumours in the bladder to be benign). He had a CT scan yesterday and we're waiting on the consultant appointment to discuss the results of this, as well as the appointment for the biopsy operation (in which they remove the tumour and test it). I keep telling him to think positively and not to panic but it's not really working.

@Scarby9 I hope your friend gets good news and recovers quickly. Thanks for the hugs! Really appreciated.

@Harpydragon That's very reassuring, thank you.

We have two small children (a 7 year old and a 3 year old) and trying to protect them from the stress and worry is at the forefront of my mind atm.

OP posts:
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 04/02/2021 20:28

I don't have much to add, I just wanted to wish him all the best💐

Scarby9 · 04/02/2021 20:30

@Harpydragon That is reassuring. I knew that could be the case for prostate cancer but not bladder cancer.
@ShiningGonnaShine So even if it is cancer, so many are curable or livable with now. Thinking of you and your family.

Original poster
ShiningGonnaShine · 04/02/2021 20:35

Thanks @WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants and @Scarby9

OP posts:
movinggoalposts · 05/02/2021 04:26

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I just wanted my partner to listen. I was so grateful that he did exactly that and managed not to tell me what I should be thinking or feeling. There’s no right way to respond to the prospect or reality of cancer, we all react differently.

The one thing that used to really get my goat was people telling me it would be ok. I only wanted to hear that from my consultant, anyone else was just saying that to make me feel better.

If it is cancer, ask if they have an age-appropriate storybook to help you explain it to the kids. I found ours useful.

sandgrown · 05/02/2021 04:30

My friend is in a similar position to your husband. He has had the biopsy and awaiting results. Fingers crossed for them both xx

Silkiechickscat · 05/02/2021 04:57

So sorry to hear that and hope it doesn't turn out to be cancer.

I borrowed my DH's phone today and a text came in rate your hospital stay and I thought that's odd I've not been in hospital since August and I opened it and saw DH had been in last week under the 2ww for suspected skin cancer. I asked him about it and he said he didn't want to tell me until our house sale completes so only have one thing to worry about at a time Hmm I'm still in the in shock stage and is it a mistake and will be clear or is it stage 4 and he'll die. Could be either, apparently they took first layer off then doctor said that doesn't look good so they took whole moles out and surrounding skin and said results in 4 weeks. As its on his back and he last had checks years ago could be anything from all clear to stage 4. It looks like the bad type but if they have caught it early he's already had the main treatment and it'll just be watching. I've got 2 kids one with SN but older than yours.

I'm not sure what you are supposed to do - I'm just listening at the moment and also trying to plan how to manage practical things. I'ld ideally like DH to make a will and sort finances but I feel mean approaching that. Though when I went through cancer tests I wanted a will, to move house to closer to DH's work and everything to be as easy as possible for others. But people approach things differently - I like to have worst case covered, others cope by thinking it'll be fine which always makes me panic.

Original poster
ShiningGonnaShine · 05/02/2021 09:03

Thanks so much, everyone.

@movinggoalposts. Thanks for your advice, it's really appreciated. I probably am doing a bit of what you're saying I shouldn't, tbh. He's just so, so down and emotional, which is totally understandable, and I'm just trying to reassure him that there is still lots of hope (he hasn't been diagnosed yet, and if he is, it may well be easy to treat). There's just so much anxiety and so many unknowns, which doesn't help. I also worry that I'm not doing or saying the right thing, or acting the right way... I'm desperately trying to protect the kids from the worry, so it might look like I don't care - I'm literally forcing myself to pretend it isn't happening when they're around (eg if he gets upset or looks emotional, I don't run to comfort because I don't want to draw the kids' attention to it). I also can't help but feel positive right now - until we know otherwise, I have to hope for the best. We had a chat last night and he's totally fine with me being like this, so that's good. But it is hard to see him so broken.

@Silkiechickscat I'm so sorry to hear about your DH. What a shock that must have been. I suppose in some ways it's thoughtful of him to try and protect you from the worry, but I'm also not sure how I would feel about him keeping something so huge from me. Hope you're OK? Flowers I know what you mean about practical things... I've been thinking along those lines - eg, we're not married (neither of us wanted to be) but we've been together for nearly 20 years. I'm now thinking we should get married because if the worst were to happen, I'd be entitled to more help. Also neither of us have wills (or life insurance/critical illness cover, ffs, which now feels so stupid and arrogant of us) so that needs to be sorted. Plus, I only work part time atm (he's the main earner) - I prob need to start earning more money.

@sandgrown Sorry to hear about your friend... Hope his results are good Flowers.

OP posts:
Airplanes · 05/02/2021 09:11

It's really hard but don't get too far ahead of yourself. My dad was told he had secondary cancer of an unknown primary and it was terminal, multiple large tumours A month later the biopsy results were back, it was a very treatable type of lymphoma and 18 months later he's fine. The nurse told me on that first day to take it one day at a time because we all hear the word cancer and our world crumbles but, actually, so many are treatable now. It's awful but you have to wait until the consultant gives you the diagnosis and prognosis.

bloodywhitecat · 05/02/2021 09:15

There is still a lot of hope.

This time last year DP and I had no idea of wh was ahead for him but after months and months of being told to prepare for the worst his cancer was confirmed in Oct 2020, he has bile duct cancer and it is always fatal. We have faced it by realising that worry about it doesn't change the outcome, worry it just spoils our lives together. He is in one of the most difficult stages as the knowing but not knowing stage is hard, people want to try to reassure you.

Original poster
ShiningGonnaShine · 05/02/2021 09:37

@Airplanes that's reassuring, thank you. Glad your dad is better.

@bloodywhitecat. I remember reading your thread about your DH. I'm so sorry you're going through this. FlowersThanks for your support, it's really appreciated. And yeah, the 'knowing /not knowing' thing is hard... I said this to DP the other day - it just adds another layer of crippling anxiety. When we have something a bit more solid to focus on, at least we have more of a chance of knowing what we're dealing with. Not saying that's necessarily going to easier, just perhaps less uncertain. Which might help. A bit. I don't know...

OP posts:
madrush · 05/02/2021 09:46

I have had cancer and can vividly remember the horror of the time waiting for test results and, for me, the time between diagnosis and treatment beginning. I’m not sure how you help someone in those stages except to listen to endless repetition of their thoughts, reassure them you’re in it together and be kind to them in little ways. You can’t take it away or fix the problem. My brain almost exploded with obsessive thoughts that my own body was trying to kill me. As pp said, stories of people who’ve survived and statistics of likely positive outcomes did not help me at all. Letting me share all my fears over and over again with a kind smile, a handhold and cups of tea did help a little.

Soon2BeMrs · 05/02/2021 09:55

Don't have much to add to what others have said but just want to say that a friend of mine had bladder cancer two years ago, she was 61. She had it removed, stayed in hospital
A couple of days and back in work a few months later. All fine just goes for regular scans.

FoxyBadger · 05/02/2021 09:55

Hi @ShiningGonnaShine.
My DH was diagnosed with a rare cancer in August 2019.
The worst part in some ways is what you're dealing with now, the worry, not knowing what you are both facing, how will you cope,etc.
Once you get the diagnosis ( and I hope it's good news for you), we found things happened very fast, we were very busy and it was all a blur.
Then, once into the treatment, you are dealing with practical things, work/hospital/DC, etc.
It all really hit me again many months later and I wonder how I coped but you will if you have to.
Accept any help anyone offers.
Good luck Flowers

Ffsffsffsffsffs · 05/02/2021 10:00

Hi op, I won't give you the over-optimistic it'll be OK (my mum is now 6 years clear of bladder cancer, but I know it's not the same for everyone) but this stage is so hard.

I'm a worrier and worst case scenario kinda gal anyway, so the Not Knowing is the hardest bit. Once there is a diagnosis, the treatment plan will swiftly be sorted and started.

You could both (and the kids) be in for a rocky ride. Be gentle on yourselves. Speak to macmillan. Let your nearest and dearest know, and when they ask if there's anything they can do, ACCEPT - it might be a freezer meal, supervising the kids whilst you make trips to the hospital, picking up your ironing pile, cutting the grass. Being there for when you need to cry over the phone at 3am.

Lots of love x

Original poster
ShiningGonnaShine · 05/02/2021 10:10

This thread is helping me so much, I'm so pleased I posted it. Thanks, all.

@madrush. Hope your health is OK now? Flowers So much of what you say really resonates with me. My DP was talking last night about obsessing about it all and not being able to get away from it, and how broken it's left him feeling. And, yeah, little kindnesses are all I can do I suppose. We found something hilarious to watch on netflix last night (Aunty Donna) and we were both crying with laughter, so that helped I think.

@Soon2BeMrs. That's reassuring, thank you. Did she have her bladder removed? Or just the cancer?

@FoxyBadger. Thanks - it's really reassuring to know that we might be able to cope a bit better with what we're going to be faced with once we know what it is we're facing. I'm sorry to hear about your DH. Hope he's doing OK now? Flowers

OP posts:
FoxyBadger · 05/02/2021 10:18

Thank you @ShiningGonnaShine.
Glad we're helping Smile.
I did find that its good sometimes to be able to offload to someone outside the situation, not family or friends although our experience is that you really do find out who your true friends are/who you can genuinely rely on.
Some people really can be very kind and caring.
My DH is doing well. His wasn't bladder cancer, I know nothing about that sorry but the type of cancer he had meant the treatment was very tough.
Like your DH though, he was fairly young and that is hopefully a good thing to help him cope if he needs it.
Your DC will also help you get through it. Mine are older and were obviously very aware of what was going on but they are a distraction and it helps.

problembottom · 05/02/2021 10:35

I'm sorry to hear that. My elderly dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer about a year ago. He had quite a large tumour removed and then chemotherapy. He's found the year gruelling but was told a month ago there are no signs of cancer in his bladder and to come back in three months for another check. So things look to be going well.