DP being investigated for cancer

[ShiningGonnaShine]

I've NCd because I haven't been especially scrupulous about guarding my MN identity in the past and I don't want anyone I know to work out this is me.

My 45 year old DP is being investigated for bladder cancer. It's come as a real shock and we've both been knocked for six by the news, him especially.

He doesn't want anyone to know (yet - he hasn't had a biopsy yet so we don't know for certain it is cancer (although it seems likely) or what type/stage/treatment he's faced with) so I haven't got anyone to talk to IRL about this. Just wondering if anyone has any experience of dealing with this? How do I support him? What things should I be doing?

YW. I agree totally with going to appointments if you can. I needed answers to questions, too, and my DH was not able to cope with that. He was receptive to information but couldn't engage beyond that.

Positive thoughts to all going through this. It is RUBBISH and cancer is a waste - of a body, of time and, sometimes, of a life.

DP's consultant appointment went very well - the CT scan suggested that nothing has spread, which is such a relief (the potential for awful news today felt huge). The consultant was also very reassuring about the size (very small) of what has been found in his bladder - he said it might even be pre-cancerous. Treatment, therefore, might not be too dreadful. Obviously this all depends on the success off the TURBT, and the results of the biopsy, but it's good to feel some positivity and see some hope. Actually, it's even better to see it in DP (who, until today was very despondent and defeatist).

I know there are still lots of bridges to cross, but it's still nice to have some good news.

Thanks, everyone, for your support.

What a relief that must be @ShiningGonnaShine

A friend of mine had bladder cancer last year, she had it removed. They weren't sure if they would have to remove bladder or how much until they were in. Anyway, it was only part of her bladder, she was back in work within 3 months and you wouldn't even know to look at her. She was 60.

Really glad to hear it looks easily treatable and your DP will be OK.

@Shininggonnashine. You must feel a massive sense of relief, especially after that scary wait. Great news. Hopefully you can have a glass of this evening.

Thanks guys. No wine for me tonight, I'm stubbornly insisting on fasting, as I usually do on a Thurs. Just a salad and a glass of sparkling water, and the buzz of not feeling horribly anxious for the first time in a couple of weeks.

I really hope the wait is short and the news is good for everyone else on here who is currently in limbo...stay in touch

Thank you. X

That is the best possible outcome. You are both very fortunate. As cancer scares go, this one looks as though it will be very short-lived with an excellent outcome.

I'm very glad for you.

Not bladder cancer but bowl cancer. My step dad went to work one night in 2018, not feeling too well, it got worse through the night so he went to a&e. He was in hospital 3 weeks as it turned out he had bowl cancer. A week after the diagnosis he had some of his bowl removed. It had spread a little to other parts of his body but they said its extremely slow growing & he's probably had it over 10 years already! He has monthly injections now which has kept it at bay & it's not spread any more & other than more frequent toilet visits he's fit & well & not long turned 70. When people find out he has cancer they are so surprised as he is/ looks so well.

Stegosaurus11 thank you for telling us about your step dad. That's an incredible story. Wishing him 10 more years, and then more after. X

@Whydoesthisneedtobe

Stegosaurus11 thank you for telling us about your step dad. That's an incredible story. Wishing him 10 more years, and then more after. X

We always say he'll out live us all 🤣 All the best to your family x

Wishing him all the best and just to say my mum had surgery for bladder cancer and is completely cured.

Hi @Whydoesthisneedtobe and @Silkiechickscat, just wondering how things are going for you and your DHs?

We're plodding along here. My DP is still really depressed, and he still doesn't want anyone to know so the weight of the big secret is grinding me down a bit. I'm far less anxious after the good CT scan results last week, but there is still a big cloud over us all. (Covid house arrest in the rainy February half term isn't helping much with all of this of course!)

Hi ShiningGonnaShine. Good to hear from you. The days are going by very slowly. Up and down. Still coming to terms with it really. As you say, it's really hard over half term. You could not get a worse time without being able to go out.

I'm sorry your DH is down. The fact the CT scan was clear is fantastic news - one step at a time. No wonder these waiting periods in between tests and results are called 'bridges'. It's really tough. X

Hi @Whydoesthisneedtobe, glad to hear you're having some ups, even if they are accompanied by downs too. I agree, it's very tough. Sending hugs

Hi everyone, my DP had his TURBT this week and it went well. Although he's been left with a few after effects (pain, bleeding etc) that have been making him miserable. We have to wait a couple of weeks for the biopsy results to see what the next steps are, if any.

Been feeling very lonely and isolated, though, because he is still insistent that we don't tell anybody. It's making me feel really resentful, to be honest (I know this probably makes me sound awful), not least because he is still incredibly depressed and I just know that sharing his emotional burden with someone other than me would really help him (and, frankly, me).

@Whydoesthisneedtobe and @Silkiechickscat - have you had any news about your DHs?

@ShiningGonnaShine I'll PM you if that's ok?

@Whydoesthisneedtobe, of course.

I am "living with cancer" and I'm glad to hear your positive news so far.
I do think your DH is being quite selfish though and you should tell him you are confiding in a friend and will tell them not to mention it to him/anyone else but you need the support.
Hopefully once the dam is broken he will feel able to seek help from friends/family also.
If at all possible be present for his next appointment as he seems to be quite pessimistic and not really taking in what he is being told.
My DH has come to most of my news appointments, not all as there have been a lot and we didn't always anticipate there would be news.
It has been good having him there, even if we leave having heard completely different information
He hangs on to anything positive and completely disregards everything else.
I listen out for the positive but am also more practical (and it's actually happening to me) so for instance he will leave an appointment hearing outcomes are good for this type of treatment and consider me basically cured. (He currently tells people I'm fine now so they think I'm cancer free)

I will have heard that but also be considering how I'm going to cope with the side effects of the treatment.
If his DM is not frail or likely to make it all about her I would also put it to him that she might be very hurt to hear about this in the past tense.
Best of luck, hopefully the lab results are good and monitoring is all that's needed from now on. 🍀

My dad is another one who is living with bladder cancer. He was diagnosed in his 50s. He has occasional polyp removal or TB washes to keep it under control but it doesn't seem to affect him beyond having to have those procedures.

Thanks @M0rT... Sorry to hear you're going through cancer treatment. Really hope things are working out well for you . I agree about him being selfish, if I'm honest. I think he'd see it differently - that he is selflessly shielding his family from worrying news, which I do understand. But it's really weighing heavily on him and me - I just know he'd feel better if he shared a bit. I certainly would. That's what we're supposed to do, as humans... That's what friends/family are for. I felt terribly isolated when he was having the operation - I couldn't lean on anyone for support or distraction when I was waiting for news. And I do feel a bit cross he put me through this. I'm also avoiding talking to anyone right now because I'm a natural sharer and when they ask me how I am, I don't want to lie, which is compounding the feeling of isolation.

I agree about his mum - I know 100% that I would want to know if one of my children were going through something like this, as worrying and painful as it might be. I really think he should tell her for this reason, if nothing else.

I'm sorry this all sounds very 'me me me'... I've got a cold and I'm feeling sorry for myself.

@eurochick - thanks, that's very reassuring.

Go to the appointments with him. Ask questions. Ask for things to be explained again.
DP couldn't take anything in properly, too scared and shocked, but played it cool. I found out a couple of weeks later he'd completely misinterpreted what the doctor had said, but wouldn't believe me that that was the case. So I brought it up again at the next appointment and the doctor put it right.

Hi op, what was the outcome of this?xxx

Hi @Magic1231

He had the operation to remove the tumour for biopsy and it turned out that it wasn't cancerous 😊. When his consultant rang him with the results, he said that he almost never had this level of good news - he (and we) had been absolutely expecting it to be cancerous, we were just waiting to see what we were dealing with. So, the best outcome 😊.

Just re-read this thread and I feel terrible that I didn't update it with the results, given the amount of support I was given. I'm guessing once we had the news I just revelled in returning to normality. Sorry...