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Original poster

Help - how do I phase this email?

30 replies

Disorganisedfish · 04/02/2021 13:20

I’m trying to be quick so I can send this email out now - but I need some help phrasing it.

I had a brief relationship last year with someone senior to me at work. He split up with me, but was upset at my reaction (which was that it was fine!) and since then has been making rude comments to others about my work being unsatisfactory, that I’m apparently messing things up etc.

He is not my line manager or directly related to my department, but it’s started to come back to me more and more from other people that he has been slagging me off. No one knew of our relationship till we split up and he told people.

I spoke to my manager today and was incredibly embarrassed but I feel it’s now affecting my work reputation and I need to nip it in the bud. He has advised I send an email to my ex and ask him to stop and make him aware it is getting back to me.

How do I phrase this? My boss has suggested email so I have an email chain incase I feel it needs to goto HR later down the line. I just want this to go away and stop!

OP posts:
Original poster
Disorganisedfish · 04/02/2021 13:22

PHRASE this email. Ffs! Sorry, I was trying to be quick but it clearly backfired!

OP posts:
DustyVenetian · 04/02/2021 13:23

In this situation at work this would be an HR matter - it's bullying effectively. Your prior relationship with him is irrelevant really.

I'd imagine his response won't be favourable given his true colours he has shown. I'd want HR to deal with this....

DustyVenetian · 04/02/2021 13:24
  • at my work
Iaintaffraidofcoldtoast · 04/02/2021 13:25

Yes I’m surprised your line manager asked you to do this.

I’d go straight to HR rather than engaging in emails as they might end up nasty and he may go to HR first.

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2021 13:26

Usually hr want to know the two parties tried to resolve it

I’d ask him to meet for coffee, and say you’re concerned as you’re hearing feedback that he’s been saying very negative things about you, that you’re sure that’s not right, but if there are any issues then you’d like to address them so that these rumours stop.

DustyVenetian · 04/02/2021 13:27

But there aren't two parties as such. He is bullying her to significant detriment.

It's not like they had a bust up over the last drop of milk in the coffee area

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2021 13:28

Yes I’m surprised your line manager asked you to do this

I’m not, once hr are involved it’s a very different animal, it’s much better the two of them work it out and resolve it. If it needs to go to hr it becomes a much more formalised thing that could ultimately lead to disciplinaries. Also there is no guarantee the op will come out of it smelling of roses, as he’s going to defend himself.

The manager did right, try to resolve it before bringing in the big guns.

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2021 13:29

But there aren't two parties as such

There are two parties, she’s accusing him of bullying her of making unfounded allegations, hr will not just take her word for it. They will investigate if she is being malicious and saying he is as he ended it.

And she’d need people to back her up witnesses.

There is always two parties.

titchy · 04/02/2021 13:30

Dear x
I am aware/it has come to my attention (whichever is applicable) that your seem to have been commenting on what you perceive as my poor performance/lack of direction (again whichever is applicable). Apart from overstepping your authority over me, these comments have the potential to impact my career here and my working relationships.

Please refrain from any further comment.

Regards

Fish

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 04/02/2021 13:30

Yes, please tell HR. They might want you to sit down together at first to try to make nice, but at least it's logged. You can ask a HR rep to sit in the meeting too if you think he might bully you in it.

KirstenBlest · 04/02/2021 13:30

To: X
CC: HR, LineManager

Dear X,
A few people have told me that you have been making comments to others about my work being unsatisfactory and that I’m apparently messing things up. As I do not work with you directly, I would appreciate if you did not make such comments about me or my work.

I also understand that you have been discussing that we had a relationship. This is irrelevant to anyone within the company, apart from you and me.

Please do not make further comments.

Regards,
Dis

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2021 13:33

@KirstenBlest

To: X CC: HR, LineManager

Dear X,
A few people have told me that you have been making comments to others about my work being unsatisfactory and that I’m apparently messing things up. As I do not work with you directly, I would appreciate if you did not make such comments about me or my work.

I also understand that you have been discussing that we had a relationship. This is irrelevant to anyone within the company, apart from you and me.

Please do not make further comments.

Regards,
Dis

Honestly don’t send these sort of emails. Not unless you’re one hundred percent sure when hr ask the people you say said it. They are going to say yes he did and get involved.

If there is the remote chance they will downplay and not wish to get involved then it will look like you maliciously accusing him.

And I’m guessing you’ve never heard him say it? It’s all gossip?

ChequerBoard · 04/02/2021 13:37

This is such a bad idea. Really, do not write any kind of direct email accusing your ex of anything. I'm shocked that your manager is suggesting this. This is leaving wide open to him opening a grievance against you.

hobbyiscodefordogging · 04/02/2021 13:38

I definitely wouldn't do what bluntness is suggesting and have a coffee. But nor am I really sold on the other ideas either.

What I would do is speak to your manager again and ask them to make contact with this senior manager (your ex) and let him know that there is absolutely no issue with the standard of your work or the performance of your job and he is to stop making comments to that effect - that it's your manager's job to manage your performance, and if ex has any issue with what you've done then he should approach your manager through the correct channels rather than gossip about it.

redheadwitch · 04/02/2021 13:38

Dear Jimbob,

It has come to my attention via several contacts that you have been speaking ill of me within the working environment. Please take this email as my formal request that you immediately cease making derogatory or negative comments about me. I would expect this to be adhered to at all times whilst in the work environment and in any communications you may have with persons whom I may deal with in a professional capacity.

Failure to comply with this request will force me to pursue this matter with Human Resources and potentially raising a grievance with you for unprofessional behaviour.

If you have any personal issues with me, I welcome you to raise them with me within the next 3 working days. If I do not hear from you, I will assume you have no reasonable grounds for discontent and hope the matter will be fully resolved.

Yours,

Tallulah Professional.

LegendDairy · 04/02/2021 13:46

Don't send the email.

DustyVenetian · 04/02/2021 13:48

Ok if not HR then ask your manager to have a quiet word with his boss- who can i turn tell him to stop.

If it continues, go to HR with your back up of the lines managers intervention.

Agree. No email to him.

Toorapid · 04/02/2021 14:14

You send the email at all, you boss does. Or, if that's not appropriate, your boss contacts his boss.

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2021 14:22

But she’s not said her boss has heard anything?

She said she’s heard and she went to her boss. Not her boss came to her.

It could all just be gossip. As said, I’d try to sort it on a personal level first and understand if he has said anything. Because this might just be jungle drums. Or it could be the op being malicious because he dumped her and wanting to get him in the shit. How would he even know her work was bad.

Management and hr will look at both sides.

Moondust001 · 04/02/2021 14:33

Speaking as a manager here... if this was a member of my staff then I would be speaking to his manager. I wouldn't suggest sending an email to anyone. I would have a quiet word with his manager to the effect that this has been said, but at the moment it is all gossip. It is in nobodies interest that I need to find out what is behind the gossip, so *everybody" needs to stop now. Whoever they are, and whatever they think they need to say. Because if I hear about it again then it will be going formal. End of. No managers actually want this kind of thing escalating, not if they have any sense. So stopping it now really is in everyone's best interest - whoever is making up stories. Sometimes not taking sides is the best way of taking them.

Original poster
Disorganisedfish · 04/02/2021 14:33

Sorry, I got called away with work.

My boss gave me the option to go to HR or try resolve it myself, he has also heard things he has said about me so is aware it is not me being malicious as such. We are a small company with lots of ‘blokey’ humour. It’s just got to the point where more than one person has now said he is slagging me off, snd I very much want to nip it in the bud. My boss has said to blind copy him in. I just don’t know how to write an email that will attempt to get him to stop - because I don’t want him to get into trouble, I just want him to leave me alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Disorganisedfish · 04/02/2021 14:35

My boss and him are similar levels - so my boss and his boss wouldn’t really work as the only person above them both it’s the company owner

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 04/02/2021 14:50

Dear Ex,
I have been advised to contact you regarding some negative comments made to the larger team regarding me in the workplace.
These have been brought to not only my attention and could be seen as defamatory.
If there is an element to my work that is affecting the business, to of course to alert me immediately.
I look forward to a more harmonious working environment.
Regards (def not kind)
Verymuchorganisedfish

DisplayPurposesOnly · 04/02/2021 15:13

Argh what an awful situation. Isnt he a knob.

Hi Ex

Several people have mentioned to me lately that you have been criticising me or my work. If so, please stop now.

It's unfortunate [ive had a lucky escape] that our relationship didnt work out but I fully expect you to remain polite, objective and professional in the workplace, as I have done.

I am keeping a record of all the instances that are reported to me. If necessary, I will have to raise this formally with [line manager], [his line manager] and HR.

Obviously if you have a genuine issue, you can raise it directly with me or [line manager] at any time.

OP

DisplayPurposesOnly · 04/02/2021 15:16

I don’t want him to get into trouble, I just want him to leave me alone

Remember he is bringing trouble on himself - this is NOT your doing. He's behaving like a twat (and clearly other people think so too so their opinion of him has already been affected).