Friend being honest and critical but where is the line?

[ConeHat]

I have a friend of 13 years. She has always been blunt but nearly rude. So if you ask for a opinion, she will be 100% honest. Fine, I appreciate her candid ness and I dont know anyone quite like her for a objective take on things.

She lives hundreds of miles away and in normal times we meet around twice a year at a midway point and occasionally go to eachothers homes.

We talk over text and she knows I want to do my teacher training. She has always said I wont be able to hack it. That it will be too much for me. I was recently offered work experience but with a view to becoming a TA after a TA interview I came a very close second in, and do my teacher training. Rather than be happy for me she again has told me I wont cut it. I have a biology degree, I did a year of a distance masters before I stopped it to give birth. I worked full time in a corporate job. I have just project managed my own extension. I dont know why, me in particular hasn't got what it takes. If i dont enjoy my teacher training, to me i qualify i walk away ( i was planning to get lots of experience before starting).

Plus i told her that my ds wanted to do something and i was going to pay for it. without asking the details i got a massive lecture on how it's the wrong thing for me to push him into that. It was his suggestion.

I'm not sure if she is being rude, if my texts are coming out muddled or a mix of both. When we meet up, she does keep stopping me and make me repeat myself clearly ( so maybe ten plus times in any convo). None of my other friends do this. I'm dyslexic. She knows this. Again other friends can understand my texts.

I'm really tempted to reduce texts to polite chit chat. I cant phone her, she hates talking on the phone! Not sure what to do. I dont want to loose her friendship but I find properly explaining what's going on in my life exhausting. Plus, to be honest she does make me feel stupid sometimes.

Just need to get that out as I cant tell her, it would lead to an exhasting micro dissection of my opinion

Friends are suppose to make yourself feel good. She doesn't sound very nice to me.

She sounds very negative and critical which can bring you down and make you feel negative and critical. If you only see her twice a year, is it worth continuing with the friendship?

She doesn’t sound honest and blunt. She sounds critical and unpleasant.

Telling you, you won’t be able to hack it is a comment designed to undermine your confidence and prevent you from succeeding. Getting you to repeat yourself over and over also makes you doubt yourself.

I like blunt people who will tell me the truth if I ask if I’ve put on weight or if I ask for corrections for something will do it for me with the intention of helping me. Your so called friend doesn’t want to help you, she wants to pull you down.

Ok, I have a friend who I think feels like this about me. But there are two sides to the story.

Any chance your friend is autistic?

I think, if she is like me, that you’ll have to be as blunt as she is otherwise she won’t understand what she’s done wrong.

It’s easy to come across as critical when you mean to be helpful. But it’s not ok to criticise and pick apart and seem not to support.

No way would I continue the friendship. She is holding you back. If you wanted you could just tell her less. Be more evasive. Then put up pics on Facebook on the day you graduate

She sounds critical and as if she has zero social skills, neither of which are top of my list when it comes to qualities I seek in friends. If she keeps stopping you to ask you to repeat or clarify in person, and seems to misunderstand basic information in your texts, like who initiated some scheme, is she a bit thick? (Or, alternatively, has some processing difficulty which affects comprehension?)

Has she gave reasons why she doesn't think you would hack it?

Otherwise, the only real reason why she could be saying this is to put you down and make you question your own ability. Which isn't what friends do, even the most bluntly honest ones.

The giving you a lecture over helping your son do what he wants is strange as well.
Could it be jealousy and she doesn't want you getting "above" her

I think her reasons I wouldnt hack teacher training initially was because I was doing my extension. It's now finished.

Or my kids needed my attention, I had a corporate job with four births during that long carer. They will always need me, it's not a reason to never work again.

I did complain my corporate job and the kids was hard to juggle so I think it's that plus she thinks I wont pass the course but as I say I have a stem degree I coped fine with. I only want to work part time as a teacher due to my sons SEND. So I would be working towards to at least having a day off to do kid admin once I start working.

She has hopitality based degree but has never had a carer. Her dh is a academic.

I dont think she has ASD as my son has ASD, maybe inappropriate socail skills and a few people have told her she way overshares with people she doesnt know very well ( think first time you strike up chit chat at a toddler group, she talks about her sex life kind of thing).

What has suddenly dawned on me is that I wasnt asking for her opinion. I was telling her my limited dull news. I dont ever do this too her. I would be bored in her lifestyle but I never ever criticise her as it's her choices.

I dont want us to stop being friends and I think it's so much harder while we cant meet as right now she brings nothing to the relationship to make me feel good. Normally her blunt texts are cancelled out by our lovely catch ups.

It is hard if you can't talk face to face, or if you can't even talk on the phone. Also, you don't have to do what she says, just add "thanks for your input on that".

If she is a real friend, then you will find a way to overcome this. It might be a bit strained until you can meet again, but hopefully by that time you'll be enjoying your course and can tell her about it and she'll see you are happy?

She is being honest about her rude opinions, and that is all they are, her opinions. And as others have said, designed to bring you down.

I have a very long time friend who is the most supportive friend in the world when I am low or things are stacked against me. she always finds a way however to downplay my achievements or successes, especially if she thinks it's something she hasn't or can't do.

I put it down to her insecurity and, though it sometimes stings, try to ignore it.

Normally her blunt texts are cancelled out by our lovely catch ups

Your catch ups don’t sound that lovely. When you meet up she keeps interrupting you to make you repeat yourself 10+ times.

She sounds like a real cunt actually.

She doesn’t sound like a very good friend. I went back to college in my 40’s and my friends have all been supportive and encouraging. They have been honest but never put me down or made me feel crap.

You need to find better friends!

I can be quite direct and honest. I once had to ask a very good friend if really it was time for her to consider having counselling to deal with her issues. But I would never tell her she can't do something. If anything, knowing how hard she finds certain things, I'm always pleased for her when she wants to do something different. I don't assume she's going to fail. I love her. So I assume she will succeed and, at most, I might ask her what I can do to help or, if appropriate, suggest things she could do to make it easier. Eg, in your case, I might be a friend who'd recommend saving starting training until after you've finished the building work, sure. But then I'd be super happy for you wanting to do something for yourself.

Your friend doesn't sound like she actually believes in you. Which is bit shitty.

There's a difference between being honest and being hurtful.
It's possible to give negative feedback without being nasty.
Do you think her intentions are good or does it make her feel good to make you feel bad?

She sounds like a wanker.

I couldn't be doing with a "friend" like that.

Pablos dogs. When she’s nice have good levels of communication and when she’s negative about you minimise contact for a few weeks. The penny will drop

Pavlov !

She's undermining your confidence in yourself and criticises you at every turn shes jealous of you and not a positive supportive influence in your life.
She's not a "friend" by any definition. Distance yourself

She sounds so utterly tedious OP, this is no friendship, she is using you as some kind of verbal punchbag. Quite possibly because she is not happy in her own life.
A good friendship should be about supporting each other as well as having fun. Not being criticised and picked apart on every occasion.
I really think you should distance yourself at the very least and/or be very blunt with her like she is with you and explain exactly how she makes you feel.

Being autistic doesn't make a person unsupportive. Neurotypicals are far more likely to behave as does the OP's 'friend', as they are more prone to envy and other unpleasant aspects of personality, such as gossip.
OP, learn to say 'Maybe so but...' and counter her comments that way.
"You'll never hack being a teacher!"
"Maybe not, but I'm going to give it a try "
"You shouldn't push ds into doing that"
"Maybe not, but he thinks he'll enjoy it, so we're going ahead."
And you might feel better if you talk to her less often.

Oh and just to add she is way too over involved in your life choices. She has got nothing to do with your career and training and knows nothing about it. You sound like a very capable person. Her opinions are meaningless.

I am very honest but your friends just plain rude. I would say she is very impulsive now you have described her behaviour overall.

she does make me feel stupid sometimes.
Bad enough when a family member does this. I think that your friendship has run its course.

I have a friend a bit like this, though she has improved with age and often gets back in touch to soften/ give context to the opinion.

I think it was because we'd known each other a long time but hadn't seen each other often enough to know what the other was actually like now. EG she seemed often to think I was a feckless and lazy student who relied on a good brain to get by - which I was, but I'm certainly not any more all these years, jobs, kids later (and a significantly worse memory). We still clicked personality wise but not in the context of our lives, if you see what I mean.

Anyway I found the best approach was to be equally blunt back. 'Oh do you think that? well, thanks, I'm going to do it anyway'. Or 'No I don't think so'. You don't need to explain yourself to her.

Friends don't make their friends feel stupid. Everyone has off days but if there's a consistent pattern, it stops being a friendship and sounds more like undermining. Sorry you're going through this OP .