Friend being honest and critical but where is the line?

[ConeHat]

I have a friend of 13 years. She has always been blunt but nearly rude. So if you ask for a opinion, she will be 100% honest. Fine, I appreciate her candid ness and I dont know anyone quite like her for a objective take on things.

She lives hundreds of miles away and in normal times we meet around twice a year at a midway point and occasionally go to eachothers homes.

We talk over text and she knows I want to do my teacher training. She has always said I wont be able to hack it. That it will be too much for me. I was recently offered work experience but with a view to becoming a TA after a TA interview I came a very close second in, and do my teacher training. Rather than be happy for me she again has told me I wont cut it. I have a biology degree, I did a year of a distance masters before I stopped it to give birth. I worked full time in a corporate job. I have just project managed my own extension. I dont know why, me in particular hasn't got what it takes. If i dont enjoy my teacher training, to me i qualify i walk away ( i was planning to get lots of experience before starting).

Plus i told her that my ds wanted to do something and i was going to pay for it. without asking the details i got a massive lecture on how it's the wrong thing for me to push him into that. It was his suggestion.

I'm not sure if she is being rude, if my texts are coming out muddled or a mix of both. When we meet up, she does keep stopping me and make me repeat myself clearly ( so maybe ten plus times in any convo). None of my other friends do this. I'm dyslexic. She knows this. Again other friends can understand my texts.

I'm really tempted to reduce texts to polite chit chat. I cant phone her, she hates talking on the phone! Not sure what to do. I dont want to loose her friendship but I find properly explaining what's going on in my life exhausting. Plus, to be honest she does make me feel stupid sometimes.

Just need to get that out as I cant tell her, it would lead to an exhasting micro dissection of my opinion

Thinking about it, we have been friends over a distance now longer than we was friends who saw each other weekly, so the dynamics have changed. We have changed too I guess.

Its tempting to not mention the teaching thing until its finished ( I am not even starting until I can get good varied work experience so it's a year or two off yet due to covid) but the thing about my ds was a throwaway topic. Her reply was so over the top I didnt even read past the first few lines. I just replied with a few lines saying it was his idea, I'm just supporting him, it's for experience for his A levels etc.

But I was only replying to defend myself. I should have said I was sad that she was presuming it was against his will.

It's such a niche thing but think along the lines of running a marathon ( it's not anything to do with exercise but it's got the same gist). Ds wants to take part in a kind of race or competition but to take part he doesnt have to train beyound the basics to finish the race. Friend presumed I was forcing him to take part to win. But it's a thing that no under 18 has ever won or ever could but the age to enter is over 16.

She must presume the worst of me. Would you expect someone to say "ds is entering for the marathon, I'm paying his entrance cost" where as I have to say this to be clear "ds is entering the marathon. I am paying his entrance costs. It was his idea and I'm really pleased he is showing interest. But I dont think he will finish in a good time but hey it's a good experience to learn the process. Btw I haven't told him it's pointless because I dont want to crush his ambition. Also he doesnt need train like the elites,,he has to train to get as far to the finish line as he can in the time he can"

She is hard work isnt she writing that down? Why not just reply "was that your ds idea or yours? You know he is lazy, do you think hes cut out for it?"

I got something along the lines of "I cant believe your are forcing him to run the marathon. You know he hates leaving the house and is really shy. Why did you think he could cope or finish that? He would need to xyz things he is incapable of..... "

She doesn’t sound honest and blunt. She sounds critical and unpleasant.

This sums it up for me. One can be honest, and straightforward without being unpleasant and hurtful.

I remember reading somewhere once that it's extraordinary how those who pride themselves on 'I speak as I find' seldom find something pleasant to say.

Writing my last post has cleared my mind a bit. She is more hard work than fun company.

I'm always making excuses and tolerating more than I should. Why? I'm always trying to please people who then get used to me accepting it and getting worse over time

I need to get a tshirt saying "Dont mistake polite for stupid" and wear it daily.

I guess this is my fault. I have reread my reply and it was very blunt and curt. She should have got the hint, but I should have done more than hinted. What a idiot

@CharityDingle

She doesn’t sound honest and blunt. She sounds critical and unpleasant.

This sums it up for me. One can be honest, and straightforward without being unpleasant and hurtful.

I remember reading somewhere once that it's extraordinary how those who pride themselves on 'I speak as I find' seldom find something pleasant to say.

That reminds me of my MIL. She bumped into someone who was pregnant. She asked the ladies friend when he baby was due and the friend replied "I'm not pregnant, om fat" so mil all proud retorted "I day it as I see it" I was gobsmacked as mil was extremely proud of her behaviour. I'm no contact with MIL since last year as she was someone else always digging away at me.

I too think she sounds like she could be neurodiverse in some way and have some sort of processing difficulties. Neurodiversity in adult females can present very differently, so your son's experience is likely incomparable. The things that stuck out were not liking talking on the phone, asking you to repeat so much, and what sounds like a lot of missing social cues.

That said, I'm not sure it matters does it? Doesn't sound like a joyful friendship. But may explain the behaviour.

I think you shouldn't let her stop you, what does she know?

No she wont stop me, but it does knock my confidence as I then start having self doubt. I think I'm realistic and I have thought about a lot of options, right through to doing the training and never teaching or just being a personal tutor.

I guess there are a lot of socail issues as she isnt good in any group company. She has varried friends but it's always 1:1. Not being able to talk face to face or on the phone is hard. Thinking more she doesnt always get jokes either
He dh knows someone famous I quite fancy as I asked if he could get me his number jokingly. She said "he cant do that as it's not professional" I'm married with four kids so obviously it was a joke. When I stay or visit her house she is very particular that things like toys get counted as they are packed away. My kids can only have one toy out at a time. Back when we met up weekly she would phone me and ask to check all my pockets, bags and the kids if she lost a part of a toy. If I touched something seemed dirty it had to be disinfected so if I wiped my baby's nose I couldn't wash my hands without opening the bathroom door, it had to be disinfected. If she asks why I didnt tell i would be honest that she said I would fail which doesnt isnt constructive.

It's actually helpful writing this as maybe has has OCD or she is neuro diverse. I had never considered this. Which is fine. But it's also fine if I find it wearing. I sometimes and more as time goes on, feel.like I'm in therapy around her.

I do think I need to challenge her from now on and do the quizzing back "So why do you think that?" As it might sink in and it's less doormat like. But at the end of the day that's hard work and so is keeping conversation topic off of my life.

Why do so many friendship just end up becoming a minefield? I'm going to tone things down until we can meet up. Then pull her up on it next time she does this face to face. I could get experience and train and qualify without talking about until it's done and I'm employed in education

This is definitely a suitable situation for "Did you mean that to sound so rude?" swiftly followed by "I didn't ask for your opinion, I've already decided to do this and I'd prefer you to be supportive".

I have taken the approach of writing my texts into word, prrof reading a few times and stating the obvious. Like she knows I have studied at post grad level but I reminded her.

I'm also avoiding talking about my plans or anything that might need spelling out. I will see how I feel when/ if we are ever allowed to meet face to face. Right now I cant be myself or relaxed talking to her as it doesnt flow normally with the put downs and having to explain everything

Our friendship has turned into a covid lockdown ballache.

She envies you so she disses all your comments. It's projection.
Try saying to her 'No, it's you who couldn't hack it'.

Try being blunt back to her.

My mother does this and I realized some years ago that when she is telling me I can't do xxx, what she really means is that SHE can't do xxx. The realization that it was all about her and not a reflection of my abilities made it a lot easier to deal with. I just refuse to engage in it now and that seems to stop her from doing it so often.

I cannot bear over opinionated people. I would stop telling her anything. I had a friend who was quick to criticise everyone because her way was the only way. Which it never was. She has made some spectacular errors in judgement

I had a friend like this that I had been bestie since primary school. One evening in a taxi home maybe 4 years ago she was much more drunk than me and said some very hurtful things in the guise of honesty. About my DH of 20+ years that were absolutely not true and were absolutely her projecting her life onto mine. I got home and blocked her everywhere. It's been difficult at times, but really liberating.