I think my bf thinks I'm spoilt and it annoys me

[Rewis]

I think my boyfriend thinks that I’m spoiled. I am 30 years old and have had fairly privileged upbringing. We were not rich, but we never were missing anything. Didn’t get everything I wanted, but got more than the necessities. My parents were in their 40’s when they had me so they were already established in their careers. We lived in the less desirable area of the city (Wikipedia says “somewhat bad reputation”) so the housing wasn’t too expensive so could go on holidays etc.

My parents are very generous and they have a strong family mentality weather it is financially, physically or emotionally. They like to treat us kids. I never ask for money but if I have bought new glasses they want to give me £100 towards it. My brother renovated his flat and they wanted to contribute towards the new kitchen, grandson needed new booth for football so they wanted to purchase them. If needed someone to do DIY my dad will be there to help etc. I’d say this is not unusual in my friendship group.

The biggest thing is that my parents went to work in Asia for some time and made enough money to buy an investment property. They let it out 10ish years and in my mid 20’s when I moved back to my home town and about a year later the tenant moved out and my parents offered me to me. It was a lot better than the one I was renting. I paid rent below the market rate (about £150-170 less than previous tenant) and save money for deposit every month. My grandmother passed away and with inheritance they decided to upgrade to another property that they can themselves move in down the line. I’m moving to that property (and increase rent accordingly) until they move in, I buy my own, move cities or move in with bf. My bf said “wow, sweet upgrade they are buying you”. This is not the first time he has commented about this subject.

My bf’s family are lovely. But they don’t operate the same. They are more of a family where once you are a teen you need to get a job after school and pay your way and once you are 18 then you are responsible for yourself. Nothing wrong with this. It’s just different. They will spoil us with dinner when we visit and they are always supportive when hearing good news. Bf has a strong need to work for everything mentality which I love, but I also think that it doesn’t mean anything if your family wants to contribute and it doesn’t have detrimental effect. I’d rather my parents used their money to themselves but I do think this is better than it just sitting on a bank account.

I don’t think I am spoiled. I don’t tell anyone about my living arrangement (beside my bf and bff), I work full time, I pay bills. My parents are not buying me a flat. I appreciate what they do to me and fully acknowledge that everyone is not so lucky. But I also don’t think I should feel bad if they want to support me this way because they have means to do it.

I guess this was more of a vent. Am I weird in thinking that it is ok to accept financial support from family if they want to and they can?

I don't see the issue. You acknowledge that you are very lucky. Your boyfriend acknowledges that you are very lucky. You... what? Don't like his tone?

He may think you're "spoilt" and by his standards, you are! If the worst he's saying is what you've written here, i think this is 100% a case of you projecting your own feelings about your situation onto his behaviour.

FWIW I'm the same as you, and i feel a lot of weird guilt and discomfort about how easy the accident of my birth has made my life in comparison to others. Try not to put that lense on your relationships with other people.

Personally I wouldn’t accept money from my parents that I didn’t need. Them chipping in for glasses etc I would find it very infantilising.
Have you asked him if he thinks your spoilt? His comment doesn’t really imply that.

Yeah tbh the glasses thing is weird. My dad tried to pay for my MOT last year and we actually had a bit of a tiff about it!

There’s nothing wrong with accepting money. But it is a sweet upgrade, even if they aren’t buying it ‘for you’, you are getting exclusive use of a property you possibly wouldn’t be able to afford without the discount?

You come from very different backgrounds and you either need to let it go or let him go. Maybe it makes him feel bad when you tell him about how you’re going to benefit from your parents investments?

Your problem is you think he thinks you’re spoiled, and not that he actually thinks your spoiled? maybe ask him how he feels before you decide to get so worked up?

Why does he think that? Are you sure you're not imagining it?

I have been sort of in this position but that boyfriend was just jealous of everything, didn't like my career, didn't like that I didn't ask his advice on things.

When I got my post grad (work related) he huffed when he saw friends had sent congrats cards and said it was a fuss over nothing. I dumped him shortly after.

It didn't seem that long before I posted.

It is the tone. The way "bought you a nice upgrade". He has prevously commented about my living arraingements as them buying me a flat. His friend once made a reference "why don't your rich parents buy it for you". Bf claimed that the friend has come to that (untrue) conclusion on his own. When I went to university and borrowed my parents money so I could have interest free loan he assumed they gave it to me. If I get something new he might wonder how I got it. It is not continous or anything. This whole apartment thing happened today so it kinda rubbed me the wrong way. But could be just that he is interested. He is very money oriented (money=success) where as I am not and this has been a hot topic in the past.

I think they offered me money for glasses cause I don't have a kitchen renovation or need for boots for kids. It's their way of keeping things even. It's a bit funny but I don't find infantalising. We make fun of them for wanting to make things equal cause it's ridiculous sometimes.

And yes. I could ask him. But I wanted to vent first. it can also be in my head. Just taking an opporunity vent to humans.

The new flat is a sweet upgrade. I could afford it without the discount but I wouldn't want to pay that much rent (the market value) and rather save. I'm not denying that I am benfiting from a nice flat.

It's easy to not be "money oriented" when you know you'll never want for it. It can be very jarring to watch someone else be handed all the things you've had to work incredibly hard for. Cut your boyfriend some slack.

He sounds jealous. I had a very similar privileged upbringing (as a result of very unfortunate circumstances) and never has my husband implied I’m spoilt.

It just is what it is, your parents are giving you a leg up to help you. That comment from his friend was utterly outrageous and hideously rude.

"That comment from his friend was utterly outrageous and hideously rude."

I had similar used by a bloke who was trying to chat me up!

OP the tone is what first made me uneasy with my ex. I did ask him if he was okay with things but then realised it was silly to ask, because he wasn't going to say "I have an issue". The huffing over cards thing was the last straw for me.

I'd watch and wait rather than ask.

@Ohalrightthen

It's easy to not be "money oriented" when you know you'll never want for it. It can be very jarring to watch someone else be handed all the things you've had to work incredibly hard for. Cut your boyfriend some slack.

Of course

But if someone is outright jealous and resentful, it's not a great basis for a relationship.

It's easy to not be "money oriented" when you know you'll never want for it.
It's partially true but also personality thing. He believes success is measured in money. I think success can be a lot more things. He would rather eat noodles everyday and pay off mortgage quickly whereas I'd rather pay slower and enjoy life a bit more. He would rather take a shit job that pays well, where as I would be willing to take a small paycut to get away from a toxic job that drains me every day.
I get a £150ish discount in rent which is fantastic and occationally parents buying something but I wouldn't say that I am not working for my money at all.

His family is better off than mine. They just prefere to save it for later. So he hasn't had a poor upbringing or anything. Just different approach to money and teaching kids about money. I don't think he is jelous or resentful. I think he is of a different school of thought which is propably due to his upbringing.

It is weird to talk about privileged upbringing. Cause it is so subjective. i have a feeling this terminology is bringin very different images on how I actually grew up.

OP "He would rather eat noodles everyday and pay off mortgage quickly whereas I'd rather pay slower and enjoy life a bit more"

Bit different to what I was thinking. Yes, I am the same. So the difference is more about having access to family money. I didn't have that either, but my ex was more pissed off that my parents were better off than his and couldn't understand that I lived on my money and kept saying "well, you'll inherit eventually" - not necessarily true anyway.

But still sounds like an element of jealousy.

It feels like you're just not suited. I've just replied on a different thread about growing up with privilege - and it sounds like he resents yours (even if his is comparable just different).

Personally I would just shrug and say 'so?' if he kept on. But ultimately it doesn't sound like you're well suited. He might thing you're spoilt but you clearly think he's miserly.

you clearly think he's miserly
I don't think that is clear at all. Cause I don't think that.

This is an issue that has come up a few times over several years. It's not a massive issue that is present in our everyday. I'm not constantly thinking about this or him sniping at me. I understan that this forum has to go on the basis on limited information. But this is not in the dealbreaker cathegory. Just a person venting on an internet forum cause she is home alone all day and needed to whine. Then on the boarder aspect got curious about if this is within the acceptable range of normal like I had assumed.

My family are similar OP.

I think you have very different attitudes to money due to different upbringings etc.

My parents have been very generous. I am very grateful and know I'm lucky.

DH and more to the point the kids benefit.

DH has never implied I'm spoilt but he is sometimes a bit blimey.

Having said that his parents help out their kids where they can as well with house deposits etc.

There is also for my parents the issue of inheritance tax and the 7 year thing.

You have different attitudes. Have you told him how everyday he says makes you feel? You work ft etc you're hardly afreeloader!

ok fine.

Then just deal with it and don’t let it get under your skin.

He sounds a bit jealous! I came from nothing (but have done very well for myself) and by that token most of my partners have come from considerably better off families where their parents do help out. And it never bothered me, in fact I thought it was nice they had parents who wanted to help financially. I would do the same for my kids.

It would really grate on me to have a partner who was resentful of my family privilege so I don't blame you. I do know some people like this, who are very envious of others having an easier life. Maybe your bf is like this? If it does come up in conversation enough to upset you, just ask him what he really thinks. Money can be a big divider between couples so it's worth having a conversation on whether he thinks it's an issue or not.

I've been thinking about the jelousy aspect. Is there a word that is lesser than jelous or envious?

I'm thinking it is a lack of understanding towards our family dynamic. While his are emotionally present, they are not so much physically or financially. They also resently told him that they have made a will in which they won't leave anything to bf. Which is totally fair and we all agree that money should be left to whomever they want. But kinda shows the difference between families.

This is not a continous problem. Comes up rarely. Maybe next time it comes up, I'll ask about it. The funny thing is that when we talk about money and future kids he is totally on board on helping them out with textbooks and helping out with stuff needed for the kitchen. This is the same help I've gotten, but I think it's the flat that it hard to wrap his head around.

Maybe just resentful? People do get very weird about property, and it's a sensitive/emotive topic. He shouldn't be making you feel guilty or like you need to justify yourself though - would he be the same if you greatly out earned him or he had to move into your flat or you funded most of the deposit for a joint property etc? Would he be resentful then? If he'd be ok with these things, then not a problem. But if his resentment is towards you having more assets or financial security (re: parents) than him, I'd be wary.

My OH and I are in a similar situation (but opposite) to you. They grew up in a more privileged way than I and as a result of that I am a lot more financially driven.

It's natural for him to have a bit of envy but that doesn't necessarily mean he thinks you are spoiled. It's best you don't make assumptions about how he feels without asking him directly.

@Rewis

I've been thinking about the jelousy aspect. Is there a word that is lesser than jelous or envious?

I'm thinking it is a lack of understanding towards our family dynamic. While his are emotionally present, they are not so much physically or financially. They also resently told him that they have made a will in which they won't leave anything to bf. Which is totally fair and we all agree that money should be left to whomever they want. But kinda shows the difference between families.

This is not a continous problem. Comes up rarely. Maybe next time it comes up, I'll ask about it. The funny thing is that when we talk about money and future kids he is totally on board on helping them out with textbooks and helping out with stuff needed for the kitchen. This is the same help I've gotten, but I think it's the flat that it hard to wrap his head around.

Do you think that possibly his parents decision may have hurt him even if he knows it's their rights? And perhaps the way your parents deal with things may be feeling like a kick in the teeth to him, so his resentment if being directed towards you but may not really be about you?

Spoilt to me implies someone who has an expectation, can be demanding &does not appreciate what they have. That does not sound like you.
Like ohlookhekickedtheball, I think he has misplaced resentment, that is being directed at you, rather than at his own family.
I agree you need to talk about it next time it comes up, and gently point out that being lucky is nice, but does not mean you are spoiled.

I actually agree with your boyfriend. You are spoiled. I'm not sure you fully appreciate what an advantage that gives you. No wonder you're not financially driven, you don't have to be. You have a safety net. You've never had to fully stand on your own two feet.

I don't think you are spoilt as such but taking money for your glasses? That is ridiculous in my opinion and as a 30 year old I would have graciously declined. I can understand you dad helping out with diy mine would do the same if it meant I didn't need to pay someone to do it. My parents are probably more like your boyfriends parents in that they helped educate me so I could set out my own life, there aren't any handouts but I don't expect any and would be embarrassed to take them. I intend to do the same for my own children, empower and help educate them so they can stand on their own two feet, if they want to buy a place they can save for their own deposit, want to go to uni they get a loan like everybody else.

You haven't ever had to stand on your own two feet as they are right behind you with a parachute, not necessarily wrong (very thoughtful in some ways) but it is not the way I would want to live. I think people in similar situations get used to always having that extra cushioning and I wouldn't like that, would explain your lack of drive compared to your boyfriend.

What he shouldn't be doing is making digs at you, that is unacceptable and you should make that clear to him. Your family parent in one way, his in another, if it is a problem for him then don't waste your time on him.