I think my bf thinks I'm spoilt and it annoys me

[Rewis]

I think my boyfriend thinks that I’m spoiled. I am 30 years old and have had fairly privileged upbringing. We were not rich, but we never were missing anything. Didn’t get everything I wanted, but got more than the necessities. My parents were in their 40’s when they had me so they were already established in their careers. We lived in the less desirable area of the city (Wikipedia says “somewhat bad reputation”) so the housing wasn’t too expensive so could go on holidays etc.

My parents are very generous and they have a strong family mentality weather it is financially, physically or emotionally. They like to treat us kids. I never ask for money but if I have bought new glasses they want to give me £100 towards it. My brother renovated his flat and they wanted to contribute towards the new kitchen, grandson needed new booth for football so they wanted to purchase them. If needed someone to do DIY my dad will be there to help etc. I’d say this is not unusual in my friendship group.

The biggest thing is that my parents went to work in Asia for some time and made enough money to buy an investment property. They let it out 10ish years and in my mid 20’s when I moved back to my home town and about a year later the tenant moved out and my parents offered me to me. It was a lot better than the one I was renting. I paid rent below the market rate (about £150-170 less than previous tenant) and save money for deposit every month. My grandmother passed away and with inheritance they decided to upgrade to another property that they can themselves move in down the line. I’m moving to that property (and increase rent accordingly) until they move in, I buy my own, move cities or move in with bf. My bf said “wow, sweet upgrade they are buying you”. This is not the first time he has commented about this subject.

My bf’s family are lovely. But they don’t operate the same. They are more of a family where once you are a teen you need to get a job after school and pay your way and once you are 18 then you are responsible for yourself. Nothing wrong with this. It’s just different. They will spoil us with dinner when we visit and they are always supportive when hearing good news. Bf has a strong need to work for everything mentality which I love, but I also think that it doesn’t mean anything if your family wants to contribute and it doesn’t have detrimental effect. I’d rather my parents used their money to themselves but I do think this is better than it just sitting on a bank account.

I don’t think I am spoiled. I don’t tell anyone about my living arrangement (beside my bf and bff), I work full time, I pay bills. My parents are not buying me a flat. I appreciate what they do to me and fully acknowledge that everyone is not so lucky. But I also don’t think I should feel bad if they want to support me this way because they have means to do it.

I guess this was more of a vent. Am I weird in thinking that it is ok to accept financial support from family if they want to and they can?

Irreconcilable differences. This isn't going to get better unless you reject help from your parents or he has a personality transplant.

I know people like your boyfriend. My parents helped me out heaps - they come from a family-centric culture where you help your children. You work for your children and you work to bring them up in the world a better life than you had.

People who have had different experiences either think 'oh that's nice' or are eaten up with envy. My boyfriend's sister was one such person and everyone I met through her had preconceived notions of me being "posh", "stuck up" or a "princess". The fact that I grew up in a house in eastern Europe without indoor plumbing didn't matter, of course

As shown on this thread it's just a different upbringing.

To me spoilt would be expecting and sponging etc.

But I can see others on this thread think otherwise.

Interestingly having family help with practical stuff is seen differently. I have lots of friends who have family who are in the trades and so get free help when plumbing goes wrong, fitting bathrooms, getting mates rates etc. That potentially v saves a huge amount of money and you know you're going to get a good job. It's incredibly useful.

So cash to help is bad but the help but to help pay someone else is spoilt.

I find that really interesting.

My parents have always been generous financially but not emotionally. They have not supported me through loads of massive life stuff. 'you made your bed you lie in it'. So when I had severe ante natal depression I knew not to mention it. They live up the road. One time I said to my mum when I was there please can you watch the baby for 30 mins I'm so tired I can just sleep here on the sofa and she said no.

So money isn't everything.

I know some parents give neither emotional nor financial support but I would consider that to be not optimal.

You haven't ever had to stand on your own two feet
What does "standing on your own two feet mean". Based on a few descriptions it sounds like it means not having a safety net? I understand that not everyone has that option and I am lucky that I do. However, knowing if everything goes tits up that I won't be homeless and I am allowed to go back to parents or that they will be able borrow me money if something happens (no, they wouldn't do that if it was self-inflicted), is that really so special and means I'm not standing on my own two feet?

I was renting from a private landlord for about 7ish years and the flat my parents owned became available. They asked if I wanted to rent it with the same price as my previous flat. I agreed. They are making less profit from it but my rent still paid the service charges and their mortgage on it like it will the next one as well. I got to live in a nicer place with a price of a less nice place.

I didn't have tuition fees in undergrad but I did in grad school and I did pay them myself. I am saving my own deposit, however while doing it I get the benefit from living in a nicer place. My parents have educated me, handouts are not asked or expected. Everytime something is given I tell them that is not necessary. However, I don't decline it. We talked about this and they said that they liked to provide for things cause me and my siblings are smart with money and don't live above our means so we don't rely on it. If we were expecting it then they would not be giving it.

taking money for your glasses? That is ridiculous in my opinion and as a 30 year old I would have graciously declined
Okay, glasses thing was an example I used cause I just spoke about it with my brother about some of the funny things they insist one. I was a student at the time, it wasn't when I was 30. And to be honest, as a student when actually eating the noodles until next paycheck, something like contribution to glasses was quite nice.
would explain your lack of drive compared to your boyfriend.
As for being money driven. I don't think it is related to my "parachute". I think it is value thing. I would love to make more money, but I also think there are more things to consider. If we all were money driven then some professions wouldn't exist. I just happen to think that success can be more than just your paycheck and paycheck doesn't compensate for everything. I think there can be a balance. Bf on the other hand is willing to sacrifice work-life balance in order to make extra money. That being said, if he was in the shits, his dad would borrow him money and welcome him into his house.

@ohlookhekickedtheball I think this is a factor. I was kind of going for this without going for it. I don’t think it is necessarily resentment but I think a new shiny option was introduced into his radar.

would he be the same if you greatly out earned him or he had to move into your flat or you funded most of the deposit for a joint property etc? Would he be resentful then? If he'd be ok with these things, then not a problem.

We lived together when I went back to school and I paid half the rent but he covered everything else and it made me super uncomfortable. When few years later the tables were turned, he was ok with me providing for everything (more than I was with him). As for deposit. He already is a homeowner and will not be selling it when we get our own place. It is likely that I will have a bigger deposit because I have saved for it longer and is totally fine. This is where the noodle thing came up.

This kind of turned into more than the slight annoyance I had earlier. But I think this brings up the idea of what is privilege/spoiled, what is withing the average and acceptable range of family participation in regards to finances, what is “standing on own too feet”, if it is normal to have family as “parachute” and “cushion” in case things go wrong. Seems to vary.

You don't need to justify it to people on here! All families are different.

If I can afford it I will definitely help the kids get on the property ladder and whatnot.

As long as they work hard and etc and don't ask or hint or expect I really don't see that it's spoiling. But can see everyone has different views.

Just to check

You live in a place that you rent from parents and they give you a reduction on it

He has his own place

You are going to get a place together

He will keep the property he owns and you will be putting a bigger deposit down on the joint place

I mean kudos to him that he has been able to afford to buy a place etc and it's great he can hang onto it as investment/ rental income

As a result he pays less deposit on the joint place. If it's a significant difference, will that be recognised somehow in the deeds or something?

If he is very very focused on money and convinced you're spoilt then he might be looking to maximise there. I mean maybe he isn't I don't know. Just wanted to mention it.

OP do you intend to get married to this man?

Gosh, I don’t think you sound spoiled at all. You seem level-headed and appreciative of your parents. Exactly as pp said, if your dad was a plumber, electrician and he offered to help fit a kitchen, you would have to say no? It’s just the same. My parents still offer to part-pay for my glasses too and I’m mid-50s.

@NiceGerbil I appreciate the concern. It is all hypothetical at this point. Plans likely to change several times. He is not convinced I'm spoilt, I was thininking he might think so I kinda wanted to check myself (maybe mn was not the smartest choise). Whenever we get to house purchasing everything will be handeled and there won't be maximixing. I was just answering about pp's comment. This is not an issue at hand. I'll come back in a few years ;)

@HundredMilesAnHour

I actually agree with your boyfriend. You are spoiled. I'm not sure you fully appreciate what an advantage that gives you. No wonder you're not financially driven, you don't have to be. You have a safety net. You've never had to fully stand on your own two feet.

100% agree with this

You think money dosnt matter as much or don't see his issue because you've never had to worry?

You have always had the plan b of your parents and that is a very very comfortable position to be in. By your posts I don't think you appreciate that.

I'm on your boyfriends side

Out of interest Sabrina do you feel the same way about people whose family have the skills to help them out with plumbing electrics, fix cars etc? Or are happy to do childcare?

I'm genuinely interested not trying to make a point or anything?

you are lucky to have parents like yours. I'm more brought up the same way as your bf.

It's not a stain on your character that you haven't had to worry about money and that your parents are happy to support you.

It's a shame that not everyone has the freedom to not think about money and to prioritise other things over it but it's not a moral failure for that not to be the case for you.

She said his parents would lend him money/ have him back home if he needed.

So it's not different it's just the amount.

I don't really think getting family discount on a rental property is crazy rich generous but there you go.

You wouldn't have those values if you'd been left to sink or swim financially by your parents.

Is that a bad thing @neverdropyourmooncup?

If you're the person who has the luxury to hold those values, no, not at all.

It just feels different for somebody who has had to deal with things knowing there's no dad to come to the rescue and make it all go away or you'll never end up on the street homeless. Lonelier, I suppose. Or colder. The world just isn't such a warm and safe place.

The DH has a family who would take him in though and lend money if he needed it.

Having to survive on your own is really tough.

A lot of people on mn, when kids fuck up, say chuck them out. End of.
And I think. Really? You'd really honestly do that?

My parents were financially generous but emotionally not. When I fucked up their attitude was, you've made your bed so lie in it. They have left me to fend for myself through all sorts of shit starting pretty young.

I've spent one night sleeping rough and yes it was terrifying. I've known a fair amount of people in my life who've done the road from addiction to homelessness to death.

Money can't protect you from everything. Having no emotional support and the knowledge that you can't turn to them for anything else is shitty.

They made it clear though from when young that I needed to stand on my own two feet- in so much as they don't really know anything about me and I know they don't want to.

I would rather have had less generosity financially and parents who liked me and cared about me and who would look after me etc.

With my own kids I just can't understand it. I would always help my children any way I could.

Everyone has different families and different plusses and minuses. You do the best you can with what you have, or haven't got.

If something happened to me- the things that have happened. I know not to bother telling my parents. I learnt that young. And yes. I look after myself. No one else will. Always have.

It is a cold place to be and it damages you I think. To know that your own parents don't have your back, at all.

He sounds resentful and that has the potential to damage relationships. It's not the OP's fault she's had a comfortable upbringing but I do agree that money towards the glasses is, a bit much and a bit infantalising. That's not OP's fault either, I think it's sometimes hard to break or even recognise these patterns of behaviour within the parent/child relationship.

I don't think there's anything wrong with parents helping as long as, it doesn't stifle the child's ability to grow up. I know someone whose realtionships and expectations from life have been completely ruined by parental influence and interference. She's unable to to maintain independent, adult relationships- it's really sad.

He's jealous and spiteful.
That would be enough for me to call it a day and ditch him.