Work Stress...just need to vent and unload

[Youngatheart00]

I just need to get this out as I feel like I’m going to explode with stress. It’s also day 1 of my period and I am in agony so certainly not well equipped to deal with much at all, let alone the day I’ve had.

I work a relatively senior corporate job but I just feel like I’m not good enough and that I’m drowning. I started the role in April so I’ve never met any of my colleagues face to face and feel like I have no friends or allies to fall back on like I would in prior roles. There seems to be an expectation that we have to be relentlessly positive but because I’ve never had other colleagues to learn from or any of the informal ‘osmosis’ learning I’m realising a year in that I’ve got so many knowledge gaps and it feels too late to go cap in hand and say I don’t understand things. I’m also struggling with volume of competing demands. I just don’t know what to do. I want to take 2 weeks off and just lie in a dark room but then everything will just pile up further. I’ve spent another evening working but I’m so sick of peoples emails and the organisation just seems to unfriendly.

I feel so stupid, I’m supposed to be senior yet I feel useless and alone.

Just wanted to vent. Not sure how I’m supposed to chill out. Need to find some strong painkillers too.

for you

I feel so stupid, I’m supposed to be senior yet I feel useless and alone. Everyone feels this at times, I have met national leaders in their field who get the jitters at times.

I have also started a new job during the pandemic - it's shit!

There's no shame in asking for help.... Its far more preferable than spectacularly fucking up and then using it as an excuse.

They say 6 months in a new job, with COVID I would easily expect this to be 12 months.

It's never too late to say that you are struggling. If you talk to a manager you trust, you will probably come to realise that you have mastered more than you think. They will also be aware that you started the job in extraordinary circumstances. They're probably happy you can get anything done.

Don't feel stupid, I bet this is so common. Does the company have a mentor scheme? Can you connect with the person who did the job before you? There will be safe ways to fill the knowledge gaps you have.

No one did the job before me, it is a new role. Also it’s a role with a lot of responsibility but no team, I have a lot of individual responsibility but I have to lead by influence to get stuff done. But I feel I have no influence and no confidence. It’s got to the point I hate my own face on zoom, when I speak i can’t get my words straight and I’m just doubting myself on everything. My manager is busy with her own projects and I barely hear from her.

There is a mentor scheme but I’m just so scared to admit vulnerability. I’m worried they’ll just get rid of me.

It sounds like maybe a bit of time off would be a good idea?

You have to lead by influence to get stuff done? Yikes. What kinds of things do you have to get done, and how are you measured on your progress - are there targets to meet or is it more soft and intangible? Have you had any feedback from your manager on how you are getting on?

Have you tried doing a good old-fashioned stakeholder mapping exercise for yourself (who are my supporters, who do I need to ally myself with, who is not influential and I can afford to burn, etc). Have you also figured out what is the preferred communication style of each of the important people you want to influence and what they want/really don't want.

Also - are you expected to influence people more senior than you?

If it is a brand new role, there's a fair chance it was badly designed and not thought through. For example ive often seen senior managers say, what we need is someone who will just come in and fix all these problems, let's recruit someone to do that, and then tipped it all into a new job description and leave it with some poor sucker whilst wiping their brows in relief is no longer their responsibility.

A sensible thing would be to get some feedback from your stakeholders and take it to your manager and find out what your manager thinks about how things are going. Don't sweat it out on your own.

I haven't got any really good advice for you but I can totally empathise and feel the same. I have been two months in a senior role, after my boss got a promotion and am so out of my depth it's untrue. I have asked for help and told people I'm struggling but I don't think they hear me properly as very little help comes. Every evening I've been working until 8/9pm except tonight - something happened today and I just broke down in tears at 3pm. Struggled to get much else done and just feel I'm on the edge of a breakdown...

We can't carry on like this, feeling so low. Life is too short. Do what you need to do to get the support you need - whether it's finding some allies or something

I hear ya
You need some time off and to switch off your phone / laptop and get some perspective.

They gave you this job because you had the best skills and they saw potential. Believe in yourself.

Being a manager is bloody lonely . You also need resilience in spades - much more during this pandemic.
If you don’t hear from your manager that’s a good sign - you soon would if they were concerned.

I bet you got this job because you have high standards and expectations of yourself.
Have a break and cut yourself some slack.
I’ve been in my job over a year now and I still have real days of lack of self confidence and not getting the culture.
Stick with it x

@SillyOldMummy

You have to lead by influence to get stuff done? Yikes. What kinds of things do you have to get done, and how are you measured on your progress - are there targets to meet or is it more soft and intangible? Have you had any feedback from your manager on how you are getting on?

Have you tried doing a good old-fashioned stakeholder mapping exercise for yourself (who are my supporters, who do I need to ally myself with, who is not influential and I can afford to burn, etc). Have you also figured out what is the preferred communication style of each of the important people you want to influence and what they want/really don't want.

Also - are you expected to influence people more senior than you?

If it is a brand new role, there's a fair chance it was badly designed and not thought through. For example ive often seen senior managers say, what we need is someone who will just come in and fix all these problems, let's recruit someone to do that, and then tipped it all into a new job description and leave it with some poor sucker whilst wiping their brows in relief is no longer their responsibility.

A sensible thing would be to get some feedback from your stakeholders and take it to your manager and find out what your manager thinks about how things are going. Don't sweat it out on your own.

This bit about the role being a fixer / dumping ground for problems, absolutely spot on. I was headhunted, ‘sold’ the role with promises of what a great opportunity it was, given a good salary but it’s like I’m being paid a lot to tolerate something no one else would. And I’m at breaking point. It’s exhausting.

Thank you to all who have offered kind words and solidarity. I know it’s in my court to sort out but I just feel so muddled and low I can’t snap out of it.

@Swimmingwiththebees sorry you’ve had a shitter of a day too. I find there are always these straw that breaks the camels back moments. Mine was getting such a rude and disrespectful email from someone (who is incidentally 2 grades below me) demanding to know why I hadn’t done something....how have I turned from an ‘influencer’ to a fixer....and a pretty shit one at that. I hope you manage to get some good rest tonight and that tomorrow is a better day.

It doesn’t help that I keep having stressy work dreams too....it never goes away

I genuinely feel like I need to go off with stress for the first time in a 20 year career. But I can’t. There’s no way I could have that on my record. I’d never bounce back. Is there any way a GP would lie???? (Aware of how crazy I’m sounding here)

@Youngatheart00 I totally understand where you are coming from and sadly everything you say I can relate to. I've been thinking the same myself since this afternoon, not sure I can put on the fake smile anymore and pretend (though I'm not doing a good job of pretending) that I am coping. In terms of getting signed off, how long do you think you need? You could just call in sick with something else if it's just a few days to help you get perspective. If longer, I guess if anytime stress was going to be acceptable on a record it would be during a pandemic.

Young this sounds hard.

I was in a new role with no team three years ago. But with physical meetings and a chance to make allies. However, I was still struggling. What I have found really helpful is to mark out my responsibilities. So many things were laid at my door and I was acting as a well-intentioned amateur, when what I should have been doing was sticking to what I knew and what I'd been recruited to do. But because I was capable and conscientious, all this stuff was finding its way to me when there were people in the organisation who should have been doing this and who had the experience, they were just being lazy.

I then started having stress-related palpitations just over a year ago which shook me up (I can empathise with the stressed sleep) and finally got budget for someone else in my team to help me, which has helped massively.

Very happy for you to DM if you think my experience would be useful in helping you plot a path forward.

Are you me?!?! Started a new role during the pandemic. Only interaction via zoom. Brand newrole with no previous incumbent. Stressy work dreams.

It's shit, isn't it?

I think I’ll try and book a few days off, to recharge and regroup. I really don’t want sickness on my record in the first year but I have loads of holiday to use as I didn’t end up using much last year.

I also need to get better at giving my PA direction re my diary. I did have a chat with her in the summer and said I need to keep to X meetings per day/week as I need time to deliver on the actions. But it’s crept back up and I think that’s one of the main reasons for the overwhelm. I just wish I could find my confidence again.

Again thanks so much for the support and solidarity. @CheshireSplat you could have described me there, if you do a good job people come back to you again. I think it’s my inner people pleaser...but that means I’m being lightweight in terms of influence and ending up being a do-er. But I feel I have no credibility to claw it back now.

@Pugsley87 to the best of my knowledge, I’m not you 🤣 sorry you’re going through this too.

There should be a special club for “people who have started jobs wfh during a pandemic and are feeling isolated as f*ck”

A few days off sounds like a good idea. It can wait. I think the issue we are all having is unclear boundaries in our roles. I'm also a people pleaser and am the kind of person that will put myself last (tell others to log off and I'll fix it). I hope you have a better day tomorrow too and get some rest this evening without dreaming of work or waking in the early hours

@Youngatheart00

I think I’ll try and book a few days off, to recharge and regroup. I really don’t want sickness on my record in the first year but I have loads of holiday to use as I didn’t end up using much last year.

I also need to get better at giving my PA direction re my diary. I did have a chat with her in the summer and said I need to keep to X meetings per day/week as I need time to deliver on the actions. But it’s crept back up and I think that’s one of the main reasons for the overwhelm. I just wish I could find my confidence again.

Again thanks so much for the support and solidarity. @CheshireSplat you could have described me there, if you do a good job people come back to you again. I think it’s my inner people pleaser...but that means I’m being lightweight in terms of influence and ending up being a do-er. But I feel I have no credibility to claw it back now.

No, it's not too late.

I spent two years telling my boss that I did really want to do all the strategic things he kept on at me to do but I HAD NO TIME because I was doing transactional work that only I could do. It made no difference whatsoever. Fortunately for me he recruited a new HR Leader who seemed to make it her job to help me out and she convinced him to find some budget for an assistant for me.

Can your PA take any of your work load off you? Can you outsource anything lower level to anyone else in the business under the guise of development?

The good news is that one year in is a great time to take stock, re-evaluate SWOT and refresh objectives/learning plan. Absolutely fine to identify gaps on knowledge and make it your plan to address them.

Do you have a mentor or coach?

When was the last time you took time off?

Another night of work dreams. It feels like I never get a break, even at rest.

I had a few days off over Christmas but before that it was September. I have literally had no change of scene or time away from home in nearly 12 months though (which I know is the same for many).

I can’t just drop everything and take time off but I’m going to book 3 days in a couple of weeks time so at least it’s something to look forward to. I just hope I don’t spend the whole time with dread / guilt about what I’m coming back to.

I will look for a mentor within the organisation but again I feel a bit lost as I just don’t have that network partially due to my role and more so due to the circumstances.

Hi OP.
Been there, got the T-shirt.
First, on the mentoring, frame it that you’re keen to continue to develop and grow and you think a mentor is the best framework to support that. You don’t have to say it’s because you feel like you’re drowning.
Second, with not knowing things, here’s what I do:

• set up meetings with people who I think have the knowledge I need. Start the meetings by explaining that you’ve got some thoughts on how a particular area/change might happen, but you’re well aware that historical context can be everything in a company and without the knowledge you risk making the wrong decisions. Ask them to talk you through how things have been done, why things are handled a certain way. Ask them what they like about that the most and what they think is rubbish. They come away feeling super valued and like you’re really interested in their point of view and you come away with an absolute ton of information and a newly strengthened work relationship. Honestly, I’d pick two or three people to start and book one meeting every few days, then pick the next two or three. Have a good look first at where you feel your biggest knowledge gaps are and then start there. You’re senior enough to be able to ask people for their time and expect them to respond. You can do this. Step back, identify all the bits making you worry, make a plan and then take action, bit by bit. What you’ll find from doing these ‘interviews’ is you discover amazing things you actually know how to fix, which make you look really good. The last company I did this at, I ‘interviewed’ about 20 different people, pulled all that knowledge together and then wowed the heck out of the CEO with my amazing knowledge of the company and what needed fixing.

@Youngatheart00 how has today been? I hope it's been better for you

@Swimmingwiththebees it’s been much the same really. Passed in a blur of trying to summon the energy for back to back meetings and feeling like I haven’t been as good as I could be. But I’ve managed to book some time off - just got 2 weeks to wait for it. How about you?

@Youngatheart00 sorry to hear it's no better. Glad to hear at least you booked some time off. Today has been better for me (though it couldn't get much worse than yesterday). I cancelled all things from my diary that aren't urgent and rang another senior member of staff up to ask their advice on how to deal with something I was struggling with. I just feel exhausted