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Original poster

My manager subtly bullys me - I'm thinking of emailing her about it

48 replies

Digitalflower · 01/02/2021 21:37

Gosh, I've had it with my manager but I don't know if I'm actually just being paranoid.

In the last 4 years, since managing me. My manager has done a good job of stripping me of all my confidence. Here's a couple of examples.

I've heard her refer to me as "I have a girl who can do that". (I'm the only one in her team, but who calls someone "girl" and not by their name! She has undermined me in so many calls, to the point now, I don't bother to say anything if she's on the same call.

She's referred to my job as just an admin role and over the last 4 years and stripped me of any notable, enjoyable or interesting responsibilities.

It almost feels like I’ve been put in a box, and if I try and dare climb out of it, with a new innovative idea, she slams it down with excuses of why that would not work.

My mother recently passed away unexpectedly, I can't even begin to explain how much of shock that has been to me. My manager had the nerve to text me a work question two days later, stangely an incredibly easy question and i was in such shock, i completed the work, only reading it a month later to realise it was a question, but even so!

Following my return to work two weeks after (far too early) my manager didn’t even bother to contact me for 3 days to even ask if i was ok and when she did, she shafted me by selling me some work which turned out to me a thorn in the companies side as it was a lost contract. A couple of months after my mums death, my manager set up weekly social online calls with our whole account and did not invite me. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and decided it was probably an error, but when I mentioned it too her (in a nice way, I have friends who asked me if I was ever going to join) she still failed to send me an invite. I have a lot of friends at work and no problem striking up conversations ... these are just a couple of examples of which I take on the chin, but there's been a more recent event which has started to make me wonder if she's actually a total physcho.

A very good friend on mine recently died at work, and I was privately dealing with this grief my manager announced to the whole account that we had both attended his funeral. This friend was very close to me in my social circle outside of work and not so close to her. On the way back from the funeral, my manager told me to not bother signing back on for the rest of the day (I had half an hour left anyway). The next morning I signed into work to discover lots of emails from colleagues sending me their thoughts and thanks for attending the funeral - But also an email from my manager inviting everyone that evening to raise a glass to my friend, there was no text from her to invite me, knowing I would probably miss that email. Anyway, there's a whole load more I could regale...... but, going on these few things ... is this me being over sensitive? or is she just absolutely awful!?

I thought of actually writing to her and highlighting her behaviour to make her realise it doesn't go unnoticed? Good idea or bad?

OP posts:

WhoseThatGirl · 01/02/2021 21:42

Could you leave? I don’t think she’ll acknowledge your grievances. I expect she’ll have excuses for anything you directly mention or try to gaslight you into being either ‘crazy’ or the one bullying her.

Cherrysoup · 01/02/2021 21:44

Tbh, I would just move on put. Things won’t improve, she sounds like she thinks you’re unimportant and no+one deserves that. If you do tell her, she’ll be full of excuses, all utter bollocks. Cut your losses and leave.

I’m sorry about your mum, my dad died unexpectedly and it just floors you.

Remona · 01/02/2021 21:44

Bad. You should always be wary of putting things in writing. It’d only be another stick for her to beat you with. Absolutely do not do this.

You need to look for another job. Not easy I know. From bitter experience when there’s a personality clash or the colleague is simply a bitch, the only way of changing that situation is by getting out.

Original poster

Digitalflower · 01/02/2021 21:51

I feel slightly stuck there at the moment, but I am looking around for sure.

OP posts:

Original poster

Digitalflower · 01/02/2021 21:52

You're right and I'm so sorry to also hear about your loss. It does just completely shake you to the core.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 01/02/2021 21:55

What a complete bitch she really is.

Original poster

Digitalflower · 01/02/2021 21:56

You lovely people are right. I'll leave the email and look around for something else or a role outside of her area.

OP posts:

ShirleyPhallus · 01/02/2021 21:56

She sounds like a right prick. I’m sorry about your recent losses, that sounds so hard

Is there anyone in HR you’d trust to speak to for advice?

parietal · 01/02/2021 22:04

emailing her won't help. it sounds like she is leaving you out where she can but in a subtle way that is hard for HR to pull her up on.

Be 100% professional & cold in everything to do with her. Make sure she can't say a word against your work.

And meanwhile, look for another job.

MiniTheMinx · 01/02/2021 22:13

I've had this once before. You won't win. Its subtle enough that no one notices except you on the receiving end. There is nothing concrete with evidence to report to HR. She will point to any failure or fault and will manipulate her way to having you fired if you cross her. She sounds like a nutter.

Original poster

Digitalflower · 01/02/2021 22:17

Oh gosh, I do make sure she can't pull me up about anything to do with the quailty of my work and I am always professional and nice towards her, to the point whereby it's recently crossed my mind that perhaps she thinks I'm stupid and I don't notice her behaviour, so on it continues.

I wouldn't want to pull in HR about it, I think I would look like i've lost the plot. It would come across as out of character to other people if I made a formal complaint against her. I would appear very happy to my collegues at work, this is not something I would discuss in the office with anyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Digitalflower · 01/02/2021 22:22

Yeah, I think you're right, this is not worth me investing my time into. I just need to either find something new, or move away from her. I actually really love the nature of the work which is what makes it hard to leave. The irrtiating thing is that, although she's moved roles a couple of times she somehow keept me/takes me with her!

OP posts:

bellropes · 01/02/2021 22:35

Sometimes it's better just to walk away. Some things just can't be fixed. She sounds like she's very adept at this type of behaviour and has no doubt been getting away with it for years.

You find yourself a nice new job and leave her to her malignant personality. People like this aren't ever happy inside. A happy person doesn't feel the need to bring others down.

Good luck with your quest.

MiniTheMinx · 01/02/2021 22:50

She likes having you around. Hurting you makes her happy.

Mimipo · 02/02/2021 00:21

Rise above it OP. She sounds thoroughly demented, imagine how unhappy and insecure she is on the inside

ScienceSensibility · 02/02/2021 01:20

She sounds a lousy manager, particularly around the recent bereavements you have suffered. She sounds as bad as a previous line manager of mine.

When my mother died, I had a couple of days off work completely, and then kept up with email and phone calls whilst making and dealing with all the arrangements. No time for grieving.

I physically went back to work the day after the funeral, grief stricken but trying my best. That Saturday, I got a formal warning letter from her on my doormat.
On a fucking Saturday, when I couldn’t deal with it.
She was too fucking cowardly to actually say anything to me in the days I was at work.
I wrote back to the “warning” copied it to the Chair of the Board, demanding it be stricken from my record and asking if the appalling insensitivity shown was to be taken as organisation policy?
I pointed out the work I had been doing online when sitting in the fucking hospice waiting for my mother to be moved to the funeral home.
I got a written apology. She was still vile to me as much as she could get away with.
Her own mother died a couple of years after that. I very much enjoyed watching her struggles as of course she had to be ‘present’ and ‘resilient’ didn’t she?

Stand up for yourself OP, give these bullies the idea they are getting away with it, they will get worse.
‘

hannayeah · 02/02/2021 03:02

Are there likely to be any opportunities working for someone else in your company?

You really need to get away from her.

I’d start pushing back in small ways, starting with her referring to you as a girl, “oh it doesn’t bother me but aren’t you afraid someone might complain? These are such sensitive times!” Little comments like this to let her know you notice and leave her wondering.

SecondLifeGamer · 02/02/2021 03:17

It is workplace abuse. you can report her for it,

KickAssAngel · 02/02/2021 03:17

The social things like phone calls etc. I think you can email her to formally ask why she hasn't included you and to please add you. Things that are provable are worth picking up on, in writing, very politely. If you can't find another job and these things start to mount up, you may want to take it to HR at some point. It might also make her realize that you don't intend to keep taking her shit.

You're absolutely right, she is a bitch.

Graciebobcat · 02/02/2021 03:23

I would start looking for another job but also stop accepting what she is doing. It will make you feel better to respond assertively.

Please don't refer to me as "the girl".
If she texts you while on leave, I'd call her and answer the question, but ask her not to call me again/not take any further calls if she was unapologetic about it
If she gives you a nightmare bit of her work, get it done but comment "That was rather a hospital pass wasn't it?"
Basically talk to her as an equal human being, not as her minion.

Erinaz · 02/02/2021 04:14

I think you should tell her directly everything that's bothered you and ask her why she treats you in that way . Make bullet points list then go for a cofee tea informal meeting. If no change then write your grievances a email send one to her and one to human resources.

wheresmyhairytoe · 02/02/2021 07:01

Walk away.

I had this and it caused a complete mental breakdown.

I'm out now and work in a much nicer place.

You'll never get her to see what she's doing is wrong and you'll only make yourself ill waiting for an apology.

KeepWashingThoseHands · 02/02/2021 07:02

Firstly she is an insecure bully and a manipulative one so know what you’re dealing with.

I wouldn’t email directly but I would take it further (that’s just me).

You have lost a couple of opportunities here time wise ie. texting someone a work question whilst they are on bereavement leave is not ok and should have been raised to HR at the time.

How is your HR team? Good relationship with them? What do you think your managers reputation is like internally? I lot of what you’ve said is low level and difficult to prove. If talking directly say you’d like a conversation about progression and leave her speak. Document stuff she has done and if sufficiently bad raise with HR, doesn’t have to be a ‘formal complaint’ for action to be taken.

Sorry to say unless you have a smoking gun or good HR who recognise she is batshit it will continue to make you miserable so you may need to leave. The energy taken to deal with someone like that can be all consuming.

OrigamiParrot · 02/02/2021 07:08

OP, is your role an admin role? I’m not excusing / discounting her behaviour at all, but could part of the problem be that you’ve become too big for the role and need something more?

StepOutOfLine · 02/02/2021 07:11

She's awful.
But...there's nothing tangible you can say that won't make it worse. She didn't text you, but she emailed you. You didn't see the email. She could turn that one any way she wanted. (Emails are the most professional means of contact etc etc)
You had time off for compassionate reasons, and she emailed you with work stuff during that time- does your contract or work practice preclude ever being contacted outside of work times/if you're off?
She's referred to your job as admin. Is it?
When you returned to work, she didn't contact you for 3 days- she could say it was because she didn't want to bother you/upset you etc.
She gave you a project which turned out to be an albatross- she could say how was she to know, or worse, she could blame you for its failure.

She's a dreadful manager. She's probably a dreadful person. If there's someone higher up the food chain you could speak to, unofficially initially (HR? Union?) then do so. But anything in writing becomes official whether you like it or not. You definitely mustn't write to her- she sounds like the sort of person who'd have you on a harassment disciplinary before Friday.

horrible situation.

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