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Original poster

My manager subtly bullys me - I'm thinking of emailing her about it

48 replies

Digitalflower · 01/02/2021 21:37

Gosh, I've had it with my manager but I don't know if I'm actually just being paranoid.

In the last 4 years, since managing me. My manager has done a good job of stripping me of all my confidence. Here's a couple of examples.

I've heard her refer to me as "I have a girl who can do that". (I'm the only one in her team, but who calls someone "girl" and not by their name! She has undermined me in so many calls, to the point now, I don't bother to say anything if she's on the same call.

She's referred to my job as just an admin role and over the last 4 years and stripped me of any notable, enjoyable or interesting responsibilities.

It almost feels like I’ve been put in a box, and if I try and dare climb out of it, with a new innovative idea, she slams it down with excuses of why that would not work.

My mother recently passed away unexpectedly, I can't even begin to explain how much of shock that has been to me. My manager had the nerve to text me a work question two days later, stangely an incredibly easy question and i was in such shock, i completed the work, only reading it a month later to realise it was a question, but even so!

Following my return to work two weeks after (far too early) my manager didn’t even bother to contact me for 3 days to even ask if i was ok and when she did, she shafted me by selling me some work which turned out to me a thorn in the companies side as it was a lost contract. A couple of months after my mums death, my manager set up weekly social online calls with our whole account and did not invite me. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and decided it was probably an error, but when I mentioned it too her (in a nice way, I have friends who asked me if I was ever going to join) she still failed to send me an invite. I have a lot of friends at work and no problem striking up conversations ... these are just a couple of examples of which I take on the chin, but there's been a more recent event which has started to make me wonder if she's actually a total physcho.

A very good friend on mine recently died at work, and I was privately dealing with this grief my manager announced to the whole account that we had both attended his funeral. This friend was very close to me in my social circle outside of work and not so close to her. On the way back from the funeral, my manager told me to not bother signing back on for the rest of the day (I had half an hour left anyway). The next morning I signed into work to discover lots of emails from colleagues sending me their thoughts and thanks for attending the funeral - But also an email from my manager inviting everyone that evening to raise a glass to my friend, there was no text from her to invite me, knowing I would probably miss that email. Anyway, there's a whole load more I could regale...... but, going on these few things ... is this me being over sensitive? or is she just absolutely awful!?

I thought of actually writing to her and highlighting her behaviour to make her realise it doesn't go unnoticed? Good idea or bad?

OP posts:

Covidcorvid · 02/02/2021 07:22

She knows she’s doing it.
She knows you know she’s doing it.

I’m not sure that raising it will make her change.
It possibly gives her more “ammunition” to use against you.

I think you either ignore it or tell her managers. Definitely start keeping a diary of everything. And think about job hunting.

SimplyRadishing · 02/02/2021 07:28

You should you send an email? Hell no it's a terrible idea.
Put that energy into a new job.

pinkprosseco · 02/02/2021 07:33

When she leaves you off invitations email everyone and apologise for not joining them, stating you were accidentally missed off but you hope it all went well. Do this every time. Ask her nicely not to refer to you as 'girl' if you hear her do this directly (not if someone tells you). If she gives you pointless work, raise it in an email. Remain polite and professional at all times, don't blame her for anything but keep highlighting the omissions. Stop giving a sh*t about her, try to detach the emotion from the work.
Look for another job and get the hell out of there. You deserve better and you will find better and you'll look back and wonder what you stayed for!
I have been there and life's too short to care about this person or think she'll change.
Good luck

PopsicleHustler · 02/02/2021 07:56

Am sorry for the loss of your mum and your colleague. Hope you're doing ok with it all.

Sounds like an awful job to be in with a manager like that. I'd try and move jobs if I could.

Wish you all the best. Take care and take it easy.

ChikiTIKI · 02/02/2021 08:18

Time to move on. It will be good for you to leave those memories and that person behind and start something fresh and new.

BigPaperBag · 02/02/2021 11:59

Leave if you can @Digitalflower I really sympathise as I had this once for 2.5 years and it really sucked. However, I left for a much better job and it felt so good at my exit interview to say why I was leaving. I was still polite!

TashieWoo · 02/02/2021 15:37

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Based on my experience, I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of emailing her and wouldn’t bother with HR either, but just kill her with kindness and be assertive as PP have said, and look for another job if you can.

I put up with a woefully inadequate and unpleasant line manager for just 10 months before moving on to bigger and better things. Good luck!

Absy · 02/02/2021 15:48

I agree with the others. Unless you really really really love this job and can’t imagine leaving, I would look into either moving internally or looking for something external. In the meantime, is there someone else more senior you could raise this behaviour with? Eg do you have any relationship with your Lm’s LM or is there someone else who could advocate on your behalf?

HR can be helpful, but I’ve been through a whole bunch of work stuff recently and spoke to an employment lawyer, and she said that you must remember that HR is not your friend, but rather a tool for management. It sounds harsh but it’s true. It goes against what feels fair but often in these situations the only thing you can do is move on and hope karma gets the Lm

Melange99 · 02/02/2021 16:00

Good advice about HR. Their role in the main is to protect the business not the employee, despite all the fluffiness around the edges like employee assistance schemes, well-being links etc.

Original poster

Digitalflower · 02/02/2021 23:58

Ahh so the reason I did expect perhaps a text message was becuase she had told me to take the rest of the day off and not to log in, which I took as a kind gesture, although actually, I only had half an hour left of the day, I was due to finish at 2:30 anyway. Which is why I missed her email. I was dissapointed she didn't think to mention raising a glass at any point to me - I'm over that one now, I'm pleased work marked the occasion for the others who could not attend the funeral.

I would'nt describe my role as admin at all.

I came back a week after my mother passed to cover her weeks AL - To be fair this was not her request, I am stupidly very dedicated to the job, although looking back this was not a wisest of moves - I then booked two weeks of AL which potentially should have been taken as sick leave (i was suffering from PTS, didn't disclose it at the time, I did a few weeks after) or compassionate leave. At the end of last year, she put it down as AL - I just did not have the energy to argue that one.

There's some great advice in this thread - I agree, sending an email, probably not the best of moves, approaching HR, it's not something I've ever contemplated doing, I'm not sure I have the energy. Her line management, I'm on very good terms with - But I would not feel comfortable in going to them, unless she was already aware of my feelings and I gave her the chance to be more mindful towards me?

OP posts:

Original poster

Digitalflower · 03/02/2021 00:05

Thank you everyone for commenting with your advice and experiences, I'm very grateful for all the input. I think you're all right, I just need to find a new role/job. I do love my current role, but knowing me, I'll probably love the next one! And like some of you say, life really is too short to carry on with this kind of rubbish.

OP posts:

Hawkins001 · 03/02/2021 00:27

I understand your perspectives and frustrations, for some reason she likes having you as an assistant, and on the other hand it seems like either it's intentional or she's distracted and focused on other activities and pays little attention to yourself, the incidents do seem unproductive and unprofessional, not sure what best advice to give, although it does seem you have a good foundation with other co-workers, perhaps see if anyone else wants an assistant ?

IdblowJonSnow · 03/02/2021 00:39

I've had similar and I had to walk away in the end. It won't get better, she is a bitch who enjoys being a bitch.
I would put a grievance in but only when you've got something else to go to.
I'm sorry OP, it's horrible and does eat away at you.

dillusional · 03/02/2021 00:44

You said you have plenty of friends at work, my advice as well as many others on this thread have pointed out, she's subtle enough that can't be detected through HR. Unfortunately. Find another job. Once you do, you will start hearing stories from your friends how things have turned out bad for the bully and new staff. This has happened to me twice and was I lucky enough to find a new job and once I started those new jobs, I started receiving updates from my friends how karma slapped my two managers face and how they then had to quit and how me moving to a new job worked out better for me because 1) I found work in a higher position and better company and 2) I got better pay.

Butterymuffin · 03/02/2021 00:54

Her line management, I'm on very good terms with - But I would not feel comfortable in going to them, unless she was already aware of my feelings and I gave her the chance to be more mindful towards me?

Don't get caught in the trap of thinking you have to give her a chance to defend herself or change her ways. She won't and will just erase as much evidence as possible, if given any warning. As pp have said, she knows exactly what she's doing. Keep the option of going to her line managers for if you need to go nuclear - but if that happens, do so without hesitation or warning her.

In the meantime, record everything. Put any issues like the missed off email in writing, politely, whenever possible. And keep as much information from her as possible. I wouldn't list her as a reference for any job applications, for example. Hold that back and then give the next person in the chain as a reference. I wouldn't put it past her to sabotage so she can keep you in your place.

dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby · 03/02/2021 01:06

As they all said just get a transfer within the company or a new job elsewhere. It's not you, it's her.

Original poster

Digitalflower · 03/02/2021 09:44

@StepOutOfLineStepOutOfLine

I would'nt describe my role as admin at all.

This latest one feels like a final straw. I doubt I will take action with HR. I did speak with my Union about her behaviour a few years ago and they said something along the lines of should she be a man, I would easily have a very good case for discrimination. I have recently taken on another role, with the view to engineering a move away to another department. I've been thinking about how to go about laying some foundations to side step away and planted some seeds with managment - I know this sounds like office gameplaying, she's actually potentially thwarted that. But I need to sidestep away from her, or follow everyone's advice and leave. There's a huge merger about to take place, which is what's worrying me, if i go through that merger under her, she will shut me bury me even further.

OP posts:

Hawkins001 · 06/02/2021 02:35

[quote Digitalflower]@StepOutOfLineStepOutOfLine

I would'nt describe my role as admin at all.

PearlescentIridescent · 06/02/2021 02:44

OP I could have written this.

My manager also manages to strip me of confidence, was horrible to me when I got back from 4 days off (two of which I had booked off anyway) when my dad died.

The thing is, nothing they do is overt, it's just the constant niggling, checking over everything I do, misinterpreting everything I say (perhaps deliberately) to make it sound like I'm asking super dumb questions, telling me privately about x and y opportunity but then in meetings shooting them down and making it clear they wouldn't be suitable or possible... just loads of underhanded stuff.

If they were outright horrible it would be much easier todeal with. But the reality is it's much more subtle and there is no single thing I could point to except for the very snippy phone call, and even that is a grey area.

PearlescentIridescent · 06/02/2021 02:46

Sorry I forgot to say, sadly the only way I see out of it is a sideways movement in the same company as I agree HR is difficult and messy and I'd never do something like that.

I hope things get better for you.

peak2021 · 06/02/2021 07:13

When you mentioned the comment about 'if you were a man', are there no men managed (or mis-managed) by your manager, or is everyone else a man?

Original poster

Digitalflower · 08/02/2021 22:30

@peak2021 - No, it's just me in her team. I'm quite isolated in that respect.

OP posts:

Original poster

Digitalflower · 08/02/2021 22:35

@PearlescentIridescent - That's exactly the same boat I'm in! I could have written what you've wrote as well! I've literally been shot down in front of collegues in a calls a few times... My Mangaer has even then sent a private apology mentioning she has bigger plans for me.

Are you still in your role at the moment as well?

OP posts:

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