I need to lose weight or I am going to die. But I can't.

[SatanIsAWomanScorned]

This is probably going to be long. Apologies.

I had a good childhood to the outside world but it was tainted by physical and emotional abuse behind closed doors from my mother.

The flipside of this was rewarding me with food, trips out, sweets constantly.

I learned comfort eating from a young age.

I'm now almost 40 years old. I've had 5 children.
I am 17 stone and miserable

I've spend my WHOLE LIFE on a diet, no joke. I've tried everything from WW, SW to keto to low carb to VLCDs to soup diets.

Everything.

I emotionally eat. I have severe depression, anxiety. I am medicated which doesn't help the weight situation.

Im agoraphobic. I barely leave the house (Boris must love me) so I don't move.

Here is the kicker.

Last year I decided I'd had enough. I booked a personal trainer. I joined the gym. I went every day.

Not only did it help me lose weight but it got me out of the house.

I cried everytime I went due to stress, fear, embarrassment but I did it.

Then gyms closed. Everything crumbled.

I can't do it at home. Its not the same. I have no equipment.

Getting out of the house and going somewhere was what helped me. I felt almost normal.

Now I'm hearing gyms won't open till May.
I'm just so sad.

I'm so mad at myself.

I put every lb back on and MORE.
Why do I do this?

Why can't I control this?

for you OP.

Well done for your efforts last year and sorry for everything you are going through.

Are you able to look into some online psychotherapy to look into the causes of your emotional eating and help you heal from your abusive childhood?

Hope others come along with more insight but didn’t want to read and run

Do you have a park nearby where you could start jogging?

Hood up, head down, headphones in. No-one will give you a second glance.

You can do this, start small. This time last year I was 17 stone 9lbs. I'm not 12 stone 12lbs but I got down to 12 stone 5lbs and I'm back on the horse again to get down to around 11 stone.

I did it by eating around 1800 cals a day and walking more including jogging on the spot for weeks and weeks in the last lockdown. You can do this!

Contact your GP. Many councils have partnered with Everyone Health to provide free weight loss/management support during Covid to residents. The GP can give you number and you self refer.

They are especially for a complex case like you where the eat less, move more mantra is much harder to implement due to medication caused weight gain and retention, to chronic fatigue, to mental illness like agoraphobia, etc.

I think too they can send you exercise videos for you to do at home.

Good luck. Xx

You can control this, you've demonstrated you could when you went and hired a PT and lost some weight.

Covid is a clusterfuck and any reaction to it is normal.

You can still see PT's - either on zoom or 1 on 1 outside - would that work for you? It's about finding the movement that works for you.

I agree with some pp that you might benefit from some therapy to address your childhood and the reasons you overeat.

Do you have insta? There's some good accounts I follow on there which help me (I lost 3 stone last year but had a 2 month blip and now trying to get back on it):

The fitness chef - a really sensible approach to food
Kale and cake nutrition - an 'eating psychology coach'
Food science babe - more sensible stuff about food
Lauras fit to live - incredible plus size lady in America showing her workouts etc

Have you ever seen a counsellor specifically trained for issues around food? I know a great one who does zoom sessions- currently trying to find one for myself, can't use the one I know because quite rightly she won't blur professional boundaries and I know her in a friend context.

Also have you looked at a beyond chocolate course? It's all about our relationship with food, rather than another diet.

But mainly, well done for taking the first steps. I'm much better with structured exercise as well, in the first lockdown I managed to do some exercise at home but haven't this time round. Am trying to find the motivation to start some home work outs again. I find the healthy eating much easier to stock to and manage when my mood is lifted by the exercise. I've signed up for a charity hile later in the year, hoping to goes ahead and that it motivates me to start exercising again.

I have a self help referral phone consultantion in a few days. I have SO MUCH other shit going on mentally that my weight is pretty far down the list of things I wnat to discuss in all honesty, as much as it is affecting me my anxiety, insomnia, behaviour and relationships, auditory and visual hallucinations and panic attacks are higher up on my priority list when I finally speak to someone.

I don't have the money to go private. I am on ESA due to long term mental health issues.

I can't do zoom training. I really can't. My PT offered this.

I haven't had my picture taken in years. The thought of someone watching me on camera makes me feel sick.

I'm trying not to be negative, in all my answers but preparing food is so hard. It takes so much effort. I'm scared to go shopping because I'm convinced ill die if I get covid. So am ordering a lot of frozen, convenience stuff

On a purely practical note, you absolutely can see a PT - I see mine outside, in a car park - it's not glamorous, but as you say if I'm not meeting her, it doesn't get done.

I wonder if your PT from the Gym might be doing them privately - could you look them up online?

All the best OP, and good luck.

Also you can turn your camera off - that's what I do in zoom yoga. I know it's not ideal as they can't see your posture etc, but better than nothing.

It's not can't, it's wont lose weight

And I say that with THE MOST kindness.

OP I was you at the start of 2020. Over 16 stone, panic disorder, comfort eater and no exercise. I used food as a way of being in control - no one could make me do anything, and I could do whatever I wanted which made me feel better.

Except it got to the point where I realised I was more miserable and out of control by not restricting myself. So I overhauled my diet, started couch to 5k and lost 4 stone in 6 months. I stopped having panic attacks, had more energy, more brain power, was more satisfied with life.

You can do this. It's easy to put it off and thing you'll decide tomorrow, but the reality is every time you do that you are making a choice to stay miserable. You actually do know full well that you can exercise at home - start with Joe Wicks PE with the kids. And you know that if you don't like leaving the house, you can't go buy junk, so start by not ordering it.

It is all doable, you just have to want it enough to do one thing, or do one day. Then go from there.

Bless you op. It's hard to lose weight even without a long history of trauma.

Can you get one of those mini treadmills that you can slide under the sofa when you're not using it? I got one for £230 on Amazon when the gyms closed and go on it an hour every day with dumbbells.

But tbh as you know exercise is only a tiny part of losing weight, it's 90% food.

Can you get gousto boxes or mindful chef? We started getting gousto during lockdown last year, and you can choose your meals based on calories, and you only get delivered the exact amount for your servings, no leftovers. I've found this really helpful.

It's 1 hour a day of brisk walks you need and a carefully counted restricted calorie diet. Both are important, but it simply won't work without the restricted calories. That is key.

Op you say your weight is low down on the list of things you want to speak to a doctor about. But all health, physical and mental, is interconnected. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, poor diet, excess weight, and lack of exercise are all part of the same problem. There are a lot of studies that show that exercise and diet have an impact on mental wellbeing. There are also lots of studies that talk about food as an addiction. It's bloody hard to lose weight if your mental health is poor. And at the same time your weight can make your mental health worse. So it's a cycle of disaster sometimes.

What I'm getting at is that your weight isn't something on a list of issues, it is part of the whole situation, and it needs to be addressed in that way, along with managing your other signs and symptoms. If you need help with that, then ask for it. Your gp will be able to refer you for support services.

Also if a video pt session is no good, what about over the phone on loudspeaker? May be better than nothing?

OP, be kind to yourself.

When gyms open again in May, you will get back to doing the exercise the way it worked for you. You have done it before, you will do it again.

In the meantime, STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP. You're not going to die right now. You're OK. Things will get better and you will get back to it.

It's not a moral failing.

It must be extremely agonisingly tough to have agoraphobia in the midst of a pandemic because - as you have successfully demonstrated - the only way to overcome it is to force yourself to go places and everything is shut and there's actual reasons to stay home, safe.

But the world will open up again and you will get back to feeling better.

You need therapy, not the gym. EMDR would probably help.

I have a self help referral phone consultantion in a few days. I have SO MUCH other shit going on mentally that my weight is pretty far down the list of things I wnat to discuss in all honesty, as much as it is affecting me my anxiety, insomnia, behaviour and relationships, auditory and visual hallucinations and panic attacks are higher up on my priority list when I finally speak to someone.

Your weight and binge eating is a symptom of your poor mental health.

You can do this! First of all stop thinking weight, instead get a tape measure and measure your waist - set yourself to loose inches, not pounds. Next sort yourself a beginner routine, mine was do couch to 5k using a free app and my dd set me up with a 5 minute routine of sit ups, plank, and then added bicep curls (she gave me weights but cans of beans will do at first). I stopped buying sweet foods, crisps etc in my main shop so if I craved them I had to walk to the shop at least.

I lost 1.5 stone and crucially dropped a dress size. Lockdown has wrecked my routine and I've gained back so I'm starting again after pancake day, I figured I'll attempt having no bad junk foods in lent.

Are all your 5 children still at home? Are you coping with day to day tasks?

I'm not sure what a self help referral consultation is but I'm glad you are at least going to be able to speak to someone.

I would suggest writing down some bullet points of what you want to say, and the issues which are most debilitating; the anxiety, hallucinations, behavioural issues, panic attacks.

I hope you can get the support you need.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5102282/

OP I really feel for you and sympathise . Losing weight is really hard. I'm going to say this as someone who's also overweight and suffers from anxiety ...
You seem to be in the cycle of trying find all the excuses not to do it. I've been there! Make small changes over time. Don't suddenly start starving yourself or decide you're going to all out exercise.
You don't need equipment ! There's loads of YouTube videos of workouts using no equipment. The best thing to do is walking. Even if that's stepping or jogging on the spot watching the tv. Tell yourself it's only 30 minutes ..that's a small amount of time out of your day and then it's done .
When you say it's too much effort to prepare food. That's another excuse. I just made sausage mash and veg in 20
Minutes. Healthy food doesn't mean loads of prep. Sit down and meal plan for the week.
When I go off the wagon I know it's fault. I know what I need to do to get the weight off.
My weight is totally linked to my mental health . When I lose weight I feel much better.
Please be more kind to yourself and start off in small steps.

blackwells.co.uk/bookshop/product/9781426219641?gC=5a105e8b&gclid=Cj0KCQiA6t6ABhDMARIsAONIYyywrE6ceTl3sHk2G078FypYiheHm-uvWE-2ZvqfetrPIW1cAk9H4VQaAi-gEALw_wcB

I can’t recommend this enough.

Stop trying to diet without understanding how your body works! It’s weirder and grosser than you could ever imagine.

Once you understand the processes inside you will understand how to eat well in a way that is fulfilling and not about denying your self

You can conquer the psychological elements but they are intricately linked with your bodies experience.
It’s not your shit will power or whatever it’s your microbes making you do it!

@NoSquirrels

OP, be kind to yourself.

When gyms open again in May, you will get back to doing the exercise the way it worked for you. You have done it before, you will do it again.

In the meantime, STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP. You're not going to die right now. You're OK. Things will get better and you will get back to it.

It's not a moral failing.

It must be extremely agonisingly tough to have agoraphobia in the midst of a pandemic because - as you have successfully demonstrated - the only way to overcome it is to force yourself to go places and everything is shut and there's actual reasons to stay home, safe.

But the world will open up again and you will get back to feeling better.

All of this.

You managed to get started before, but fate threw a curveball - that is all.

You're addressing your MH issues, which is brave and challenging in the present circumstances. I can't imagine you go completely without exercise if you have five kids!

Try and eat as healthily as you can in the meantime. Do you have a friend you could walk with, even once a week? That's what I've been doing since lockdown started and have enjoyed it so much I'm trying to go on my own more often too.

FWIW, I'm also struggling with MH, an underactive thyroid and am just over 18st at 45yo, so I totally understand your fear and the sense of it being overwhelming. I'm trying to reframe it in my head as making efforts to becomes healthier, even if it is baby steps, rather than an urgent need to diet/lose weight.

Be kind to yourself.