Unfair judgement of my life/circumstances

[ItsnotTheNorm]

Feeling a bit fragile. I think tbh I do well and that as a family we do well.
I have ASD and selective mutism. Nobody knows this so it’s left me open to being harshly judged as I think differences are noticed but there’s no explanation.
I don’t work because I can’t work. That doesn’t mean I’m lazy, but I can’t do it.
I couldn’t do the school run previously again not laziness. I had arranged childcare and my partner has flexible hours.
I am busy and productive and very able within my comfort zone at home. But no I just have to be judged for this.

The easy thing would be to say ‘I have autism and it affects me in these ways’ but why should I explain myself.

Somebody sent me a text. Meant for someone else. But about me, clearly I’m ‘just lazy’ and apparently’indulged’

To be fair if people do not know your circumstances and see you staying at home whilst arranging childcare to take your children to school they probably will judge, they shouldn't but they probably will as they are human. The only part of this you can control is how you react to this you can confront them, chose to not let it affect you or let it bother you. It sucks but that is life unfortunately.

Just wish I didn’t know tbh what people thought about me

It’s harsh that someone sent that text by mistake but unfortunately if they see this from the outside and you’ve made no effort to explain your circumstances then nobody has any other details to base a judgement on, and people will judge unless they know differently

I know you say why should you explain yourself, but if an explanation would ease your feelings of fragility etc why wouldn't you?
Judgement isn't nice, but it's a fact of life, I mean this kindly but you are going to have to take some responsibility here if you don't want people to think badly of you.
If you don't care, that's different, but you obviously do.

You received a text that was critical of you intended for someone else? Wow, that's awful. You do not need to justify yourself to anyone, however the text sender does.

Did you respond?

How about, "I was shocked and hurt to receive your very insulting message."

I know it’s just I hate feeling that I need to justify myself.
I think the person concerned was texting me and others at the same time and relaying my replies but then text the wrong thing to me 😞 I’m just embarrassed

@LawnFever

It’s harsh that someone sent that text by mistake but unfortunately if they see this from the outside and you’ve made no effort to explain your circumstances then nobody has any other details to base a judgement on, and people will judge unless they know differently

Only someone who is not worthy of respect would do this, how mean and bitchy.

@ItsnotTheNorm

I know it’s just I hate feeling that I need to justify myself. I think the person concerned was texting me and others at the same time and relaying my replies but then text the wrong thing to me 😞 I’m just embarrassed

You have no need to feel embarrassed but they do. They owe you an apology.

No I haven’t responded I do t think there’s much point
It’s pretty much no different to being called ‘weird’ at school I suppose I need to live with it. I just feel hurt I’m really not lazy.
And a comment about what’s going on as by message I seem totally different to in person - hard to explain to people about selective mutism I think I come across as fine in writing but as off in person

I’m glad tbh at the current time I don’t have to see anyone it’s made things easier for me but then obviously my life is still a toooc for discussion and it’s pretty boring tbh.
Speculating about ‘what’s going on’ etc. Whether my partner is indulging me too much with an easy life 🤦‍♀️

I’m not sociable anyway so I shouldn’t feel hurt as it’s not like I’ve ever had close friends. Just says to me even more how people are expected to fit a mould to fit in

That's a shitty thing to happen.
I can absolutely understand your reluctance to justify yourself, if you don't want to then you need to work on your 'fuck it' attitude though.
Also get yourself some new friends, this lot don't sound nice at all.

You don't owe anyone an explanation, it's nobody else's business. What if someone decided they didn't fancy the school run so got someone else to do it for them - no health issues, no limiting factors. People would still judge but it would still be none of their business.

Yes, you could tell people about your diagnosis but why should you?

The easy thing would be to say ‘I have autism and it affects me in these ways’ but why should I explain myself.

Because it would be the easy thing to do and would explain things to your friends OP. Why are you so reticent?

@DioneTheDiabolist

The easy thing would be to say ‘I have autism and it affects me in these ways’ but why should I explain myself.

Because it would be the easy thing to do and would explain things to your friends OP. Why are you so reticent?

I think I just wanted to be accepted without ever having to do that

I think it is worth responding

1. because you are a person who matters and you are entitled to be treated with dignity
2. because it might help you feel empowered by stating your position ie. that you received the text and feel hurt by it
3. you could potentially add information about your condition so as to educate them.. It would read well and, if they had any self respect (which I question given their actions) they may actually take on board what you've said and make a positive change.

All of which must be better than leaving things unsaid.

OP, I also get this- judged for a "lifestyle choice" that isn't really a choice! Unless I choose to go into very personal and painful details I can't explain it, so I have to try to ignore it. I just wish more people would mind their own business.

It's up to you if you want to reply to the text or not. But I'd personally not be friends with that person anymore either way.

Your autism is a part of who you are OP, telling your friends isn't justifying yourself, it the explanation for some of your behaviours.

@DioneTheDiabolist

Your autism is a part of who you are OP, telling your friends isn't justifying yourself, it the explanation for some of your behaviours.

I can see that pov but the way I feel if people were real friends they wouldn’t judge or mention my life/partner/what I do and don’t do etc they would just be nice? They just wouldn’t say anything surely?

I don't think you're wrong but I think it's hard to properly accept people unless we know them and you're choosing to not let anyone know you.

I assume it was a family member who sent this? Why wouldn't you want your family to know about your family to know about you so they can properly support you?

If I found out my sister had organised childcare to walk DNeph to school of ask whym. If she didn't reply or said because she wants to I'd think that was pretty lazy and they must have more money than sense. Of she told me it was because her fibromyalgia was bad, I'd offer to help / think she was doing the right thing

Real friends do comment, judge and challenge their friends. But they are not your real friends because they don't know you. They can't know you because you are hiding a significant aspect of yourself.

I can see that pov but the way I feel if people were real friends they wouldn’t judge or mention my life/partner/what I do and don’t do etc they would just be nice? They just wouldn’t say anything surely?
That's not real friendship, that surface aquaintance. Hi, you all right? Yes ta, you? Yeah. Weathers a bit nippy eh? Yeah. Nice coat! Thanks

On the other hand friendship is about KNOWING someone, caring about them. We talk about our partners, our families, our problems. About how shit lockdown is. We call each other out if we're being unreasonable and support each other when it's hard.

I realise it's difficult OP. I have a medical condition myself that I don't always want to disclose.

However, making judgments about other people is what we do and isn't unique to humans. I know MNers claim they're vastly superior and would never do such a thing, but they're kidding themselves.

If you show yourself, with all the major components of who (and, to a certain extent, what) you are, people will be able to make more accurate judgments.

Whether you want that or not is your choice.

In my experience you have 3 levels.

1. Acquaintances who know very little of your life and are not interested. These people will be nice generally but you won’t form an attachment with them
2. Acquaintances who know little but are interested (perhaps genuine concern but also gossip and trying to establish where you stand, if you’re a threat etc.). These people will be nice to your face but have motives and may not be behind your back. This is the category your friends fall into.
3. Real friends. These people will both support and challenge your life, relationships, and what you do without judgement. They will push you out of your comfort zone at times but provide support and comfort throughout. Most people only have a handful of these in their entire life but they usually know the good, the bad, the ugly about you.

What the first two think doesn’t matter and acceptance by them is superficial as they don’t know you. Acceptance from the third means everything. I hope you find that as they will accept all of you as you are.

I can see that pov but the way I feel if people were real friends they wouldn’t judge or mention my life/partner/what I do and don’t do etc they would just be nice? They just wouldn’t say anything surely?

I don't know the context of the texts, but, for example if everyone else in the group was offering to help with something and you didn't, it's normal for them to wonder why, especially if there isn't an obvious reason (like working long hours).

Real, close friends aren't judgemental, but they do normally know about important parts of your life. I agree that they sound unkind to be gossiping about you like that, though.