I am tormented by time running out, desperate for some help or advice

[Scaredandsas]

NC but regular poster. I’m embarrassed and sad and a mess. I would find this much too hard to talk about IRL. I try and keep myself together and can’t bear the pain so I ignore it best I can.

I am tormented by the fact I don’t have kids. I should probably say here that I have thought in detail about doing it alone but it’s not something I could do. I really have considered it but it’s a no.

I think constantly about time running out. The thoughts have got worse as time has gone on, though I would say I’ve felt this way for at least 3 or 4 years. It’s now overwhelming me. I’m in therapy but it doesn’t really help...I feel like time is ticking, I worry constantly about fertility, I wake up in the night feeling sick like I’ve let years go by and missed out. I can’t bear walking past kids clothes in shops, watching anything on tv with that storyline. My sister in law is due and I have found it draining to deal with. When I’m at work and people talk about schools and homeschooling or kids come on the zoom calls I feel upset.

Around ten years ago in my late twenties I had an early miscarriage which ended up needing medical management. I had to have antibiotics for an infection. I spent a lot time panicking then about it all but was told it seemed the miscarriage was a one off (they couldn’t see a reason) and to just try again. Except I’ve never been able to as my next relationship ended after four years when he wanted to move to Australia and I didn’t. So back to square one. And I have no idea if I even could as ive not tried.

I’ve also been reading up on fertility because it’s always on my mind and I’ve read that infection can cause problems. I didn’t know this and I wonder what may have happened back then. I did have scans at the time and was told things seemed fine but I’m nearly ten years older now. But it says infection can mean you can never have kids? I’m also older and stats say it’s risky the older you are? I’m just so spooked and sad.

All these things are making me panic. I manage to talk to men and meet men and even talk about whether we both want kids but beyond that I don’t give any signals that I’m desperate for a family. It’s definitely not something that puts men off as I’ve been pursued BUR I worry about how that would work down the line, I know once a relationship was established i would be wanting that.

I’m so scared. I’m so sad. I feel sick most days. Therapy doesn’t help and I’m having loads of it, it just tends to make me calmer for a day or so and then I’m back to googling, panicking, waking in the night. It feels so unfair, I wish I had done it all at 20 and then at least now I wouldn’t be in this situation. I’m sick of being called the career woman, that’s not me. I just wanted a family and I am increasingly panicked about this by the day.

For context, I’m not a complete looney, I do have my shit together, I’m just a total and utter mess where this is concerned. I don’t know what to do anymore, it’s even got to the stage where every ache or twinge and I spiral and start reading up on it all again. I don’t have health anxiety this is all linked to my age and panic :(

That should say BUT not BUR

Ah, you sound like you're having a really hard time. How old are you now, if you don't mind me asking?

@Sheleg I will be 38 in June

Sorry 37!!! 37 in June. I keep thinking oh my god I’m 38 next year and that’s been looming over me since 1 jan. @Sheleg

Would you be willing to go it alone with donor sperm?

If this is what you really want, and you can afford it, maybe look into freezing eggs? It is not the easiest option as I understand you essentially go through the IVF process (albeit egg harvest now and impregnation probably much later), and you would have to pay a yearly fee for storage of your eggs as well as the initial process fee, but then you would have eggs that were “36” years old, not whatever age you are when you meet the right person?

@RubaiyatOfAnyone

If this is what you really want, and you can afford it, maybe look into freezing eggs? It is not the easiest option as I understand you essentially go through the IVF process (albeit egg harvest now and impregnation probably much later), and you would have to pay a yearly fee for storage of your eggs as well as the initial process fee, but then you would have eggs that were “36” years old, not whatever age you are when you meet the right person?

@RubaiyatOfAnyone I’ve looked into this recently and it seems there’s a low chance it even works. I feel so panicked and sad.

If it were me, I would honestly go it alone. Whether that's via a sperm donor, random one nighter or an arrangement say, with a gay man.

A lot of people who already have DCs will say that is selfish and they are probably right. However, an ex colleague of mine had 2 children alone with the same sperm donor(from another European country) and she couldn't be happier.

I wouldn't freeze eggs. No point in delaying motherhood any later than you have done as running around with a baby in your 50s would not be great either.

@THisbackwithavengeance

If it were me, I would honestly go it alone. Whether that's via a sperm donor, random one nighter or an arrangement say, with a gay man.

A lot of people who already have DCs will say that is selfish and they are probably right. However, an ex colleague of mine had 2 children alone with the same sperm donor(from another European country) and she couldn't be happier.

I wouldn't freeze eggs. No point in delaying motherhood any later than you have done as running around with a baby in your 50s would not be great either.

@THisbackwithavengeance do you mean a one night stand but try and.. well is that what you mean? I guess people do that, I don’t know any. Perhaps they wouldn’t say

Going to a clinic or ordering sperm, I don’t want to do that. I appreciate people are trying to help but it’s definitely a no.

If, as you say, you’ve decided you couldn’t do it alone then you need to throw yourself into dating 100% but you’re basically pinning your entire hopes and dreams on another person.

If your desire to have children is so strong I don’t understand what could possibly stop you seeking out a sperm donor and going it alone? If you did get into a relationship and have a baby the traditional way there’s not guarantee you wouldn’t end up going it alone anyway, he could leave you or die, nothing in life is secure!

I agree with Brieminewine

You are the only person who can take control here.

If you could take a peek into the future, say 10 years from now, what would you like to see?

A) You and a 9 year old child (donor sperm), and possibly a step father for them that you met a few years prior.

or

B) You, in the exact same position as you are today.

Why is doing it alone a no?

Half of marriages end in divorce so you've a 50% chance you'd be doing it alone anyway.

There is a possibility that you may meet someone in the next couple of years and go on to have family but there are no guarantees that you’d either meet someone or that you’d get pregnant.

And in the kindest way I think your anxiety around having a baby is going to shine through and put a lot of potential partners off.

You need to take control. You have two real choices here:

Go it alone - and that seems to be a no.
Reconcile yourself to the fact that you will not be a mother.

Can you cope with the latter? Because if you can’t you really need to reconsider the former.

Honestly, you're better off going it alone. Men aren't that much help when it comes to babies anyway - you'd be better off with a nice circle of female friends and reliable childcare. Seriously.

I was 37 when I met my now-DH. 38 when we conceived DD, and 39 when she was born. We're currently trying for another and I'll be 40 next month.

I met DH when I joined a local interest group.

Not sure if that's any help - I just wanted to let you know that it's not impossible to get what you're looking for at the age you are.

Thanks. I just don’t want to do it alone. I get some people do but it’s just not something I want to do.

I wish this pressure would just go away. It’s so horrendous. I worry about damage that may have been done in the past and whether it’s even something possible. I’m so sad and it’s all I think about.

"I wish this pressure would just go away. It’s so horrendous. I worry about damage that may have been done in the past and whether it’s even something possible. I’m so sad and it’s all I think about."

Honestly, it can't be as bad as that if you won't do it alone simply because you "don't want to".

What would you do if you met someone, got pregnant and they left you? Or died?

@davidsSchitt

Why is doing it alone a no?

Half of marriages end in divorce so you've a 50% chance you'd be doing it alone anyway.

This is not quite statistically accurate. Half of marriages may end in divorce but (a) not all have children and (b) this includes second and third marriages (subsequent marriages are apparently more likely to fail).

OP I would get a fertility MOT and possibly freeze your eggs. I understand why you rule out going it alone. I also think the morality of hijacking a one night stand for sperm purposes, as suggested by a PP. is not morally defensible.

Yeah and not all parents are married. But it's hardly the point is it. Lots of parents are separated. You know what I'm getting at.

I've had the experience of having DP at home throughout the first 2 years of DC1s life and then away throughout the first year of DC2s.

It was much easier alone despite the fact I had a 2 year old to contend with. We're back into a good routine now but back then when DP did come home it caused chaos every time!

The OP is saying that this is completely ruining every minute of her life, so surely having a baby alone would be better for her anyway. Only she can decide but personally, relying on the fairytale often ends in disappointment

It sounds like the anxiety is a bigger problem than the practicalities. I agree with the pp who says get a fertility mot - then you can come to terms with the real situation, not just the worry that is in your head. It might make it clear to you what the next course of action will be.

One thing I would say is that there has to be a future for you where this is no longer a problem and you are free of the pain. Try to focus on that as a goal, otherwise your anxiety may just take another form as time goes on

Also, I think what you’re experiencing is an extreme version of normal feelings. I have certainly had similar thoughts and times in my life when my fertility has been a big source of worry. But I have been able to move through and I think you will be able to too

@Lightsabre

Would you be willing to go it alone with donor sperm?

I really don't get why you commented when you didn't read the original post it's literally answered in the second paragraph.

I'd do it alone.

I know you've said "I just don't want to" .... but you can't always have everything exactly as you want.

i think if you wanted kids badly enough you'd do it alone. I desperately wanted my DC and had I been 37 and single I'd be looking into sperm banks etc.

@Scaredandsas I get it. I had a paler version of some of those feelings when I thought it wasn't working out for me and I can see how easily it can become all-consuming. Please, please be kind to yourself and go easy on yourself.
I wonder if some of this is about anxiety in itself rather than fertility specifically IYKWIM. Reading about fertility and miscarriage doesn't seem like it's helping you and seems like it might be plunging you even further into panic? I get how addictive that can be though.
I would take a step back from the stuff you are reading about this though - it won't help you because you're worrying about something that's in the past so dwelling on it is just going to make you feel worse and worse and more panicked. I remember that feeling of free falling into panic well. Secondly, a lot of the stuff you can read about fertility etc is depressing, but the stats are just that - stats. There is very little research into fertility anyway because there's too much money to be made out of people desperate for children. There is also misinformation around about things - a consultant at a fertility clinic told me that some headline stats are not accurate.
Also you seem specifically worried about previous damage from your miscarriage, but these are very, very common in my experience, just not talked about very much (hence Meghan writing about her experience and realising that it is common recently to make other people aware as she wasn't) and you seem focussed on that in particular. From anecdotal experience alone I know many, many friends have had miscarriages and medical management and then gone on to have successful pregnancies.
I wonder if posting on the infertility board on here might help?

Would you consider adoption?