I am tormented by time running out, desperate for some help or advice

[Scaredandsas]

NC but regular poster. I’m embarrassed and sad and a mess. I would find this much too hard to talk about IRL. I try and keep myself together and can’t bear the pain so I ignore it best I can.

I am tormented by the fact I don’t have kids. I should probably say here that I have thought in detail about doing it alone but it’s not something I could do. I really have considered it but it’s a no.

I think constantly about time running out. The thoughts have got worse as time has gone on, though I would say I’ve felt this way for at least 3 or 4 years. It’s now overwhelming me. I’m in therapy but it doesn’t really help...I feel like time is ticking, I worry constantly about fertility, I wake up in the night feeling sick like I’ve let years go by and missed out. I can’t bear walking past kids clothes in shops, watching anything on tv with that storyline. My sister in law is due and I have found it draining to deal with. When I’m at work and people talk about schools and homeschooling or kids come on the zoom calls I feel upset.

Around ten years ago in my late twenties I had an early miscarriage which ended up needing medical management. I had to have antibiotics for an infection. I spent a lot time panicking then about it all but was told it seemed the miscarriage was a one off (they couldn’t see a reason) and to just try again. Except I’ve never been able to as my next relationship ended after four years when he wanted to move to Australia and I didn’t. So back to square one. And I have no idea if I even could as ive not tried.

I’ve also been reading up on fertility because it’s always on my mind and I’ve read that infection can cause problems. I didn’t know this and I wonder what may have happened back then. I did have scans at the time and was told things seemed fine but I’m nearly ten years older now. But it says infection can mean you can never have kids? I’m also older and stats say it’s risky the older you are? I’m just so spooked and sad.

All these things are making me panic. I manage to talk to men and meet men and even talk about whether we both want kids but beyond that I don’t give any signals that I’m desperate for a family. It’s definitely not something that puts men off as I’ve been pursued BUR I worry about how that would work down the line, I know once a relationship was established i would be wanting that.

I’m so scared. I’m so sad. I feel sick most days. Therapy doesn’t help and I’m having loads of it, it just tends to make me calmer for a day or so and then I’m back to googling, panicking, waking in the night. It feels so unfair, I wish I had done it all at 20 and then at least now I wouldn’t be in this situation. I’m sick of being called the career woman, that’s not me. I just wanted a family and I am increasingly panicked about this by the day.

For context, I’m not a complete looney, I do have my shit together, I’m just a total and utter mess where this is concerned. I don’t know what to do anymore, it’s even got to the stage where every ache or twinge and I spiral and start reading up on it all again. I don’t have health anxiety this is all linked to my age and panic :(

I worry about damage that may have been done in the past and whether it’s even something possible.

You can get an answer to that very quickly - pay for a private Hycosy (ultrasound with saline squirted in to check your uterine cavity). They cost about £500. I went to Guys, and it was done about a week after my initial appointment with them.

I have Asherman’s, firstly after a miscarriage in my 20s, and again after a c-section. It’s treatable (hence the later c-section). I have had quite a few miscarriages, but it’s hard to say whether that is due to the Ashermans itself, or whether there is something odd about my endometrium itself (I’ve had other placental problems, and abnormalities with the blood supply to my uterus).

The bigger issue is your age - and if you are 37 with no partner and don’t want to go it alone, then yes there is a reasonable chance you won’t have kids, of course there is.

I wouldn’t bother with one night stands, at 37 you may need to have quite a few to actually end up pregnant. So it is either use donor sperm, or go all out to find a man in the next six months - drop your standards, and have kids with anyone who’ll have you, with the understanding you will probably end up divorced pretty quickly once you have completed your family.

When you say you don't want to do it alone, is it that you literally don't want to do it by yourself, and would want the input of another parent in your potential child's life, or is it more that you can only contemplate parenthood in the context of being in a relationship?

If it's the former, you might look into the possibility of co-parenting. There are men out there who would like to be fathers, and would be happy to have the opportunity to do so. You'd need to think this through very carefully, of course, but it's not impossible. (Personally, I did go it alone and would have found this approach to be overly complicated, but to each their own.)

Either way, I'd definitely recommend you get a fertility MOT done, so you can establish what the actual situation is with your fertility. While you're there it would also be a really good idea to get some counselling (they generally have counsellors who specialise in fertility matters). You could also find out more about egg freezing - the modern vitrification techniques are much, much better than older techniques and have a significantly higher chance of success. Not guaranteed, by any means, but it's something you can actually be doing, rather than just sitting around worrying - and if you do want to do it, sooner is very much better.

Best of luck, OP.

I wonder if it would help for you to really examine the root of these feelings - this may be something you’re already doing in therapy. But it’s curious that this is causing you so much pain and anxiety, and yet you don’t want to take steps to have a baby on your own. That suggests to me that it might not actually be a baby you want so much as an idealised vision of family life - the conventional set up of meeting someone, setting down with them, having a family, etc.

If so, you could start to question why those things feel so important to you (e.g. family pressure, societal expectations, a personal strong view about the ‘right’ way to do things?) and unpick where this anxiety is coming from. That may help you clarify what you’re actually looking for, and to decide whether you absolutely don’t want a baby on your own, even if that means never having one.

@KatyClaire put this a lot more eloquently than I did but I think she's right OP - there seems to be something in your post about taking the right steps e.g dating but not really wanting it if that makes sense?

@Scaredandsas
Going to a clinic or ordering sperm, I don’t want to do that. I appreciate people are trying to help but it’s definitely a no.
If you don't wish to pursue solo parenthood, then really as I see it, you have only a few options:
*accept possibly never being a mother (I couldn't have but opted for solo parenting by choice).
*try desperately to find a relationship with someone wishing to be a father ASAP too.
*look for a coparent - there are websites - so you can be a parent but not the sole parent. Not quite the 2.4 typical family but closer than solo parenting and being nulliparous.

Personally, the second and third option have such risks imo that I'd review why you don't feel you could solo parent. Fwiw I solo parented easily and many of the Mum's with partners struggled as they had these expectations of what would happen and it didn't materialise....

Having kids is a massive biological urge, and I can really sympathise with being in the teeth of it. It’s horrible. You probably do have a bit of time, not much but a bit. As pp’s have said, if you want it you do have to go for it, invest in dating, treat it like getting a job.
What about putting a time limit on it - see your doc about your fertility options as to when that might be. And if it’s not worked out by then, really look at doing it on your own. I don’t know what’s holding you back from that, but if it’s embarrassment, what people will think - let it go.

I don’t know what’s holding you back from that, but if it’s embarrassment, what people will think - let it go.

I was quite surprised by how non-scandalised everyone was about me having a baby on my own. Even my very Christian aunt and uncle didn't bat an eyelid. Quite a number of people confided that they were thinking of doing the same thing. (If it's not for you that's fair enough, OP; just commenting for the benefit of anyone else thinking about it, really.)

OP, I understand your feelings, but really there is no need to panic that much. I met my OH when I was 38 and had my first child at 40. I met my partner online.

Are you not considering solo parenting because you're worried about how you'd earn income with a child? Is the constraint financial?

If it's not financial, what is the constraint?