Sexless marriage, considering an affair.

[Julianamechange]

Hello,

First time posting, I came across mumsnet whilst researching sexless relationships and just wanted to see if anybody could offer some advice.

My partner and I have been together for 5 and a half years and for the past 4 and a half sex has been an issue for me.

It started to tail off slowly after 10 months or so but we were still having regular sex, maybe once or twice a week for the next year. It then became once every couple of weeks and for the last two years it has been virtually sexless apart from when we were trying to conceive ( this was me telling him if we do not have sex it isn’t going to happen).

I gave birth a year ago and in the past year we have had sex 3 times. This has happened only because we have had a long talk and I have expressed how upset and down it is making me. On the rare occasion we did have sex I just felt awful after as it was just him getting straight to it, him finishing and leaving me in bed after a quick peck.

I’ve asked all the usual questions which have all had the usual responses, it’s not me, he loves me etc. But nothing changes. He did say he felt like it started when he became depressed over finances a few years ago and our sex life never really recovered.

We are now financial stable (well off), we have a beautiful baby and nice life. We get on very well and have nice time together, I still fancy him madly but obviously he doesn’t feel the same about me.

I have spent so long agonising over this, sex is very important to me and I expressed this in the beginning of our relationship. I have quite a high sex drive and ideally would love to have sex 3-4 times a week.

A couple of months ago after we had spoken about it again, we both made an effort but then the excuse’s started again and finally one night when I had asked earlier in the day if we could have sex (humiliating to get to this point) he suggested our baby stayed in our bed because he wasn’t settling in his cot. I turned over and just sobbed into my pillow so I couldn’t be heard. I decided there and then I was not going to put myself through this anymore and I was finally going to accept that I was in a sexless marriage. I have taken sex out of the equation to protect myself. He has asked once or twice but I know this is actually just to placate me.

If he now attempts to cuddle me or hold my hand I feel very uncomfortable, it almost feels as though a very good friend is trying to hold my hand, I feel it has now become such an issue for me there is no way to fix it.

This is devastating for me. I try not to think of it but every few weeks it resurfaces and I feel physically sick at the loss of sex in my life.

I couldn’t even imagine wanting to have sex with anybody else for a long time as I just wanted to be with my husband. Slowly, I have begun to imagine myself with other men and I have even brought up having an open relationship which is met with a hard no from my husband.

I don’t want to leave my husband as we have a nice life and get on well. My life would not be better as a single mother and without him so I am left with limited options. I am considering whether having an affair is the best compromise to this situation? I do not want my child to lose out on having his two parents bring him up together and I do not want to break our family up and all the mess that comes with it. But I really cannot stand the thought of not having sex anymore. I am early thirties, attractive and just so bloody angry.

Has anybody else been in a similar position and actually gone onto have an affair? What was the outcome? I am inherently a faithful type and I worry about feeling guilty which also stops me but I am growing closer and closer to having an affair.

Thanks in advance.

How on earth is an affair a compromise?

An affair won't solve anything and if you get found out, could well break up your family anyway.

You need to leave if sex is this important, that way you can plan it properly rather than have it all come crashing down around your ears.

Leave him or put up with the situation.

Having an affair would be the biggest mistake of your life. End the marriage with dignity and move on with your life.

If you have an affair you will fuck up your life, trust me on that one. You need to leave this marriage with your head held high before you pursue a new relationship.

Gosh don’t have an affair, use the energy you would direct at that and consult a relationship counsellor. If you feel at the point where an affair is where you’re at, what have you got to lose?

This wont be a popular opinion on mn but over many years as a nurse and counsellor I have known plenty of women who have had affairs but stayed in their marriages and kept a happy and financially stable life for themselves and their children and partner , as long as no other issues present themselves. People lead the most interesting double lives , and as a counsellor I have heard and seen it all..you may in time want to leave your husband for any number of valid reasons, and there are obvious risks in having an affair( though most of the women i knew who went down this route were never found out ) , and if he's gone off sex trying to entice him rarely works ..sex drives fluctuate and his may come back in time .
I'll get flamed and you will too if you explore this as an option on here but there are occasional posters who pop up here with alternative lifestyles who have made this work .

Sorry but I disagree with most of the posters here. Im not sure an affair is a good idea but he won't have sex, won't agree to an open relationship, what exactly will he agree to? You being unhappy for the rest of your life? Might he be gay? I think you need to sit down and spell it out, living in a sexless marriage when it doesn't suit you will kill any feelings you have for him and he needs to realise that.

I think an affair would be a valid choice, too, and I don't think I'd bother hiding it from him. But I am amazed that you decided to have a baby when you were already having to bludgeon him into having sex.

Thanks for the replies.

I completely understand that an affair is not a nice way to go about things but I actually feel completely at a loss as what to do.

The posters that say leave and have a new relationship. This is not something I want and I doubt it is what my husband would want. We have a happy relationship excluding this one (huge) issue.

I can’t imagine leaving and causing such disruption to my child because I want sex. I understand there is a risk of being found out but I’m not suggesting a full blown relationship with somebody else, maybe just a sexual one and I’d be very careful about being discreet. I really have tried all other options and I’m so down about it.

I can’t even tell if this is desperation or something I actually want. I suppose I’m scared that I’ll regret it if I did go ahead, hence posting to see if anybody else had gone ahead with an affair.

To the posters who didn’t dismiss immediately, do you think it would be possible to maintain a happy relationship whilst perusing a sexual one outside of the relationship? I wouldn’t want to negatively impact my family, I wouldn’t want to change for the worse I mean.

I’ve had enough of feeling like this now. I hate that I have been put in a position where this is something I’m even considering. As awful as it sounds, I honestly feel my husband is more selfish for withdrawing sex from our relationship than having an affair would be.

We had a baby together as I stupidly thought things would get better. The two years of having hardly any sex includes pregnancy so it really has gone down hill from there, although already not good.

Does he know the severity of the impact this is having on you? That it's making you even consider leaving? If so and he's still not willing to make the effort (like seeing a sex counsellor) then I'd be questioning his commitment any way x I don't blame you for fantasising about other men-this is an awful situation to find yourself in x

Does he acknowledge the lack of sex is an issue? Has he tried to do anything to address it? GP? Counselling? I really think he should be making an effort. You mentioned he was depressed at one stage and this may be contributing to his low libido.
Having been in a sexless marriage for years I know how it feels. It’s one of the many reasons I’m divorcing my OH. But I never once considered an affair. For me me that would have been no solution.

I'd exhaust every option before considering an affair! Spice up your sex life, try new kinks, speak to a therapist that specialises in sex, open the relationship, try polyamory or ethical non monogamy....
I'd read a book called The Ethical Slut.
You say your husband wouldn't want you to leave, would he want an affair? Does he know how serious this has gotten? If you don't leave and choose to cheat, you risk your child finding out and your husband leaving you anyway.

He does know. I saw him almost crying the other day but he didn’t want to talk about it, I pushed and he said he felt guilt and shame over not being able to make me properly happy, but that’s all I could get from him. He has been trying to be affectionate but as I said it just makes me feel uncomfortable now, I know it’s fake.

He’s definitely not gay, I’ve asked him and I believe him.

I know it will end the relationship eventually but I just want to be able to provide a happy home for my son. And whilst we have an otherwise happy relationship I suppose I just want to hold onto it until my son is older but then I’m aware I’m in my prime and won’t be when son is older so just don’t want to let these years pass by completely sexless.

So your solution to being in an unhappy marriage is to go behind your husband's back, lie to him and cheat on him?
I think you're being a bit of a coward, and slightly using your son as an excuse.
You have two options as far as I can see, and neither of them are great. You either resign yourself to living in a sexless marriage, or you leave.
The very very least you can do is be absolutely honest with your husband, and tell him what you are planning.
You can't make him change. I can't see a way out of this situation without someone getting very hurt.

Fuck I’m angry. Writing this just makes me feel sick.

I have told my husband I’m going to have an affair but I don’t think he believes me because I say it when angry.This is after he refused an open relationship.

He does acknowledge we have a huge issue and he wants to fix it but it’s all words. He doesn’t follow through with any actions. I could accept if he had low testosterone because then there would be a medical cause that could potentially be sorted but again, he doesn’t sort it.

I think I’ve accepted he doesn’t live me as much as I love him or we wouldn’t be in this position. I also feel angry that we spoke about this issue so much before having our child and I had said I don’t want to h e a child and end up trapped in a sexless marriage to which he constantly denied would happen and reassured me.

Your son must be quite young - it’s easier for children the younger they are when parents split IMO.

If this is not surmountable then my advice would be good to get out ASAP.

Out of interest do you or your DH want anymore children?

I do think maybe this is the beginning of the end, it’s just so hard to end something that you don’t want to. I would love us just to be able to fix this but it is very unlikely to happen.

Yes, husband wants more children. He would like another one in a year or so.

I do feel for you @Julianamechange and I realise it's not so easy as to just leave him. Other posters aren't taking into account the fact that you love your dh, that this is the only issue, that you have told him it's a problem, that you've tried to address it, that you've suggested alternatives etc. The constant rejection is so so demoralising. And as for the suggestion to spice up your sex life - how are you meant to do that when he's patently not interested in even bog standard vanilla sex.

What options are left to you? One of you is going to be unhappy in this relationship either way if nothing changes. Personally, I'd have an affair. Your dh won't accommodate your needs or requests, you love him and don't want to leave him. What else can you do?

Having said that though, be aware that the guilt and the secrecy may put an enormous emotional strain on you. And consider the fallout to you, your dc, your dh and family if the affair becomes common knowledge - as they very often do.

Good luck to you.

I think an affair (or a number of casual relationships) could work very well and this is the avenue many people take in your situation. Your husband knows you're considering it and by not being able to have sex with you, he's waiving his "right" to exclusivity. He knows it and simply hopes you won't be brave enough to do it.

However, if you're young, my advice would be to leave him. You have many years ahead of this. Trust me, if your husband is like this now, he won't be overcome by desire for you in five years time. Or ten.

In my opinion your DH is incredibly selfish to refuse sex and also refuse to do something about his lack of interest, yet he won't agree to an open relationship. He is refusing to fix the problem but also refusing to give you a choice. Besides, who knows he isn't having an affair himself which is why he doesn't want to sleep with his wife?
I think you will get into a right mess by having an affair, however if you really cannot face leaving now then I would definitely do it. But I also think you are just wasting time and avoiding making the decision of leaving, which you will be forced to do one day - a long time before your son is an adult. You are very young and staying in a sexless marriage for another 20 years or so will be impossible. Just look at how desperate you are after only 5 years (and I totally understand how you feel, the constant refusal must be awful).

Thank you so much for reply Bikely.

I was close to crying reading it. That is the exact frame of mind I’m in and I suppose somebody else acknowledging makes me feel less like I am being completely unreasonable.

After writing this, I feel like I need to have a make or break conversation tonight. I’ll lay it all on the table and see what response I get.

I feel so awful because he is out shopping with our son and just rang to see if I wanted anything nice to cheer me up and here I am plotting the end of our relationship or an affair.

You are absolutely right TR888 and WomenAndVulvas. Thank you so much for your messages.

I’m feeling a lot braver about the situation now, not talking about it with anybody else slowly eats away at you and I think you become resigned to it.

I am usual a very open and quite forward but I’m becoming less so lately as I’m just so ground down by it all.

You don't need to thank me my love, I've been where you are. It's easy for people to be condemnatory or to judge when stood on the outside looking in.