Absolutely desperate, any advice welcome - insomnia, asthmatic night cough, newborn

[Crocodilian]

I'm not coping at all and desperately need advice but I'm struggling to even work out what questions to ask to get help so any comments or thoughts very welcome.

Had my first (and will have to be my only) baby nearly ten weeks ago. I adore her but she will only sleep on me or my DH. If we put her down in her carrycot/next to me, she will cry until we pick her up. Have tried putting her down drowsy but awake and in deep sleep but she almost always wakes straight away or within 5 mins.

Have an incredibly supportive DH who is self-employed and WFH so we have been literally taking it in turns to sleep and stay up with her - haven't shared a bed with him or slept at the same time as him since she was born. This has meant fewer hours in the day for sleeping so each of us gets on average 4.5 hours sleep I'd say. I usually try and make sure my DH gets a bit longer. Maybe he gets more like 5.5 a night.

I'm so tired I feel ill all of the time. But I'm also asthmatic and a night cough is my worst symptom, where I wake up coughing with thick mucous coating my throat that it's hard to dislodge. Have to take several doses of my reliever inhaler, drink a lot of water and sit up for at least twenty minutes to breathe comfortably enough to fall asleep. It also fills me with adrenaline as it feels like I can't breathe so often takes longer than that to get back to sleep.

Had night cough about three nights running last week so rang GP for an appt with asthma nurse (over the phone). Earliest appt I could get was for 7 days later, which was yesterday. I upped my preventer inhaler dose in the meantime as I needed to try something. Spoke to asthma nurse yesterday and she said to stay on higher dose for a week, then reduce back to previous dose and if my asthma was still bad to make another appt to talk about getting a stronger medicine.

Except I just woke with a night cough again and I haven't even started to reduce my dose so I'm definitely going to need that stronger inhaler and it's probably going to take at least a week before I can even be prescribed it.

Sorry, I'm crying now, with the baby asleep on me, and really struggling to even write a cohesive post. I really need some help.

I have also been struggling to get to sleep since my daughter was born, in spite of how tired I am. I assumed that being this exhausted would mean I'd just go to sleep, but it seems like the less sleep I get, the more I know how essential it is, and the less likely I am to drop off. It's regularly taking me over an hour to drop off, which when I've only got a four or five hour slot to sleep in is a huge proportion.

Tonight pushed me past breaking point as I went to bed, tried for over an hour to fall asleep, and about an hour and twenty minutes later woke with a bloody night cough. Came downstairs and sent DH to bed as I know how long it would take me to get back to sleep so he might as well be sleeping but now I'm just sitting here sobbing wondering how long I can continue to be even an adequate parent for my daughter on such tiny snatches of sleep.

And because of stupid fucking covid, I can't even have anyone come and help me.

Any advice gratefully received.

Sorry, that's so long. Huge gratitude to anyone who reads it.

Can you call the doc tomorrow and make an urgent appointment? Could it be prescribed over the phone?

You're doing a great job, newborns are tough! I had trouble sleeping too when they were so little, it's like your mind is over active, when you do get a chance to sleep, you can't! 💐

@grassisjeweled Maybe! I didn't know if the asthma nurse would do urgent appointments but I know the doctors do and I guess they would also be able to prescribe it? Thank you very much for your suggestion and sympathy.

Not sure what your sleeping situation is like, but can you sleep on a different room/floor level even? Just to deconnect

Definitely get on the phone tomorrow.

Make sure you mention you've just had a baby and mention that you're full of adrenaline in the night and feel like you can't breathe. You poor thing, it must be awful!

That's what we've been doing, one of us sits downstairs with the baby while the other one sleeps in the bedroom but it's not very soundproof so I can always hear if she's fussing and find myself straining to hear her without meaning to. Slept wearing ear defenders the other day and it helped with getting to sleep but wasn't comfortable so I didn't stay asleep.

@grassisjeweled Thank you so much. I've never felt so terrible or so alone in all my life so your kind words really are appreciated.

Try and get an emergency appointment for sure. The GP can prescribe too, and you can still keep your appointment with the asthma nurse. As you say, you really don't want to be in a position where you need your reliever overnight as it wakes you right up.

One thing though - do you suffer at all from acid reflux? It's particularly good at setting asthmatics off as the acid can irritate your airways, but doesn't always get explored as a potential trigger. When you're lying down (night) stomach contents obviously flow upwards easier than when you're standing so can get you coughing a lot. If there's any chance that could be contributing then you can look at your diet a bit and make a big difference.

@TenShortStories That's incredibly helpful, thank you – I was suffering from indigestion just before I went to bed (which I do occasionally get since my daughter was born) and wouldn't have made the link. Don't know what caused it but I do have gaviscon in the cupboard I could take before bed if that might help me. My main asthma trigger is a dust allergy but I gave the bedroom a really good hoover and took an antihistamine so I'm not sure what else I could do. My asthma was previously always well controlled so it's really bad timing for me that it should play up now!

Hi OP
First agree get a urgent appointment with the GP and mention just had a baby. Its good to have a double check that PND isn't starting (which can be triggered by lack of sleep as well).
Also any signs of reflux? This can common for babies wanting to sleep on parent/upright.

As for baby I feel your pain I had a newborn who til 14 weeks woke every 45 minutes.
Things we found which helped were lighting - we got a night light so no blue light
Temperature - he liked a room being 17 degrees which seems cold to us but helped
White noise - ollie the owl with a cry sensor
Soft lighting and wind down routine
A comforter which I wore down my top for a day before giving him

Have you hung clothes that you have worn on the outside of the crib/basket?
There is also the glove and rice trick - fill a soft glove with rice (not too full or heavy) I would flip my son onto his back once he was fully asleep (pick arm up gently a little way and drop if it drops dead then in a deep sleep if slight catch/resistance then they aren't) then lay him with my hand resting on his chest and swap for the glove filled with rice for 10 minutes before removing. Babies actually take longer to get into a deep sleep than people.

Would also check out safe co-sleeping advice as this maybe a option for you.

Definitely take it in turns and remember that your doing a fantastic job I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now but you are!

*oops should be than people realise!

You are allowed to form a support bubble with a child under 1
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/making-a-support-bubble-with-another-household

And I use these ear plugs to be able to sleep

Hush 7 Pairs Plugz Silicone Earplugs - Pack of 7 https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B004TX1MVU/ref=cmswwrcppapifabcc_X5EKW99GB31NC5KCA45D

I can't sleep near my 9 week old daughter - the best sleep I get is on a different floor with these ear plugs in. We've formed a support bubble with my parents so that we can get some help too. Hope you can all start to get better sleep soon, this is hard enough when you sleep. I can't imagine how you're managing to cope 💪

Blimey Scottish, that glove trick is brilliant! Never heard that one 👍

I absolutely agree with Scottish I’d only add which contras her ideal room temperature a humidifier makes all the difference with my asthma cough I think you can get cool air ones otherwise try going in the bathroom shut the doors and windows and run the hot taps but I find a humidifier on my side of the bed helpful.
I never see the asthma nurse always the GP

@Scottishskifun Thanks for your reply. I have been slightly wondering about PND as I feel truly awful and have been in tears most days but it just feels like that is the reasonable reaction to sleep deprivation and not being able to have any family support/go anywhere and see anyone etc. I feel like in a parallel world where I had a night nanny and got eight hours of sleep a night and we weren't in lockdown, my life would be perfect and I'd feel great, but who knows?!

Don't think baby has reflux. She's not a big crier unless we try and put her down, and she's breastfed and I know reflux is less common in breastfed babies.

We use white noise and soft lighting and a wind down routine but can definitely try experimenting with room temperature! And will also try the glove trick as that sounds great.

Tried co-sleeping (would try ANYTHING!) and it worked well a couple of times and hasn't worked since, no idea why. She just cried to be picked up just like if we'd put her down in her next-to-me.

@MrsC2018 Thank you, I really wish we could form a support bubble but my parents are vulnerable and don't want to risk anything. They also live in Scotland so I think it's against the rules to bubble with anyone in England where I am, but I'm not sure. And DH's family live 200 miles away.

I don't know why I didn't think of ear plugs, thank you. Will order some. It's also reassuring to hear that someone else struggles to sleep near their baby (although I'm sorry that it's hard for you too!).

@Didkdt Will look into humidifiers, thank you!!

@Crocodilian ahhh I'm sorry to hear you can't have family support. Maybe when you're fighting fit again having had some sleep you'll be able to use the bubble option with a friend so that you can have some emotional support rather than practical. I guess the reason we have this option with small babies is an acknowledgment of the impact that they can have on us!!

This is my second albeit with a massive (12 year) age gap so maybe I was more traumatised form my first than I realised! I was the same with my son too, hyper vigilant to every noise and unable to switch off so need the ear plugs to give me a chance of going to sleep. I actually wear them sleeping next to her as I wake with her grunting and stirring even through the ear plugs so I value my husband keeping her downstairs a couple of times a week so I can just have a few hours where I can truly fall asleep.

Solidarity....you've got this and things will only now improve now that you've got some extra options and ideas to work through xx

Hi. I can't help with the cough, or the asthma, but I can help with the clingy baby. IT WILL GET EASIER.

It will. I know how hard it is when they won't go down. Both of ours were like that. We're currently have a 3 year old (yes, you read that right) and 6 month old sleeping with us. 3 month old is in the middle (because there wont be any more and it's the best form of contraception ever), and 6 month old is in a Chico Next 2 Me.

I would say, get one of those, or something similar. Both of of them were, are a nightmare to put down in a Moses basket. One creak, the eyelids flick open, and you're fucked. They're incensed that's your could ever dare do that to them - DD literally shakes with rage.

DS didn't like the light off. We had him in the Next 2 Me, with a star projector shining lights on the ceiling. Cracked it quite well with that.

DD doesn't like the coldness of cotton sheets. I twigged and tucked a soft blanket over her mattress instead. She stopped waking when we put her down.

IT WILL GET BETTER! I promise you, we all go through this. But the wake ups will get fewer and further in between. We usually get 6-8 clear hours of sleep even with the tag team.

In retrospect, I would have moved our toddler into his own room when he started getting mobile and began edging from our crib to the bed. We will have to tackle it fairly soon ish, but it's a case of picking your battles, and with another baby I don't want him feeling pushed out. There's always something, eh 🤷‍♀️

Hi for the asthma I was finally prescribed a new inhaler for pulmonary obstructive disease (salmeterol)ask the doctor if he can prescribe serevent/salmeterol..good luck from an insomniac with asthma.Ginger honey lemon hot drink works well for cough as well as vics spread under your feet and covered with socks ,all this works for me that I have severe respiratory disease since longtime.

@Crocodilian it is a fine line between the two sleep deprivation can be a trigger if long term its always best to check as with these things easier to combat early than later. I was borderline PND because of lack of sleep.
I did find me feeding til about 8/9pm then going to bed, DH had baby downstairs til 11/12pm and would bring him up (would give a small top up if routing) I would do til 5/6am (DH is a deep sleeper) with night feeds and crib attempts and then after morning feed DH would have him til he had to leave for work so another chunk of sleep before the day really to be a routine system which worked for us.

The glove and rice trick worked on my ds about 6/10 times which I took as a success! just make sure it's firmly secure a food bag grip or hairband/elastic tightly work well.
I got pretty desperate so tried most things! Just remember to take it off before you go to sleep if it works on your baby.

Oh and another trick is a hot water bottle (definitely not too hot) in the crib for 5-10 min before you try to put them down in it (it's basically finding tricks that make them think they are still on you!)

@MrsC2018 hyper vigilant describes it exactly! Even though I know she's fine with my DH awake and paying her his full attention, I still can't stop thinking about her.

A 12 year age gap sounds about right! Before we had DD, I was confident I wanted a second child, but I have absolutely no idea how I would be able to look after another child while doing this with a baby!! Am struggling to do the dishes/have a shower at the moment. Have no idea how it's so common to have more than one child!

Oh and I would say my immune system was shot to pieces after each birth, so I would push with the docs, and I don't think supplements hurt, or honey and lemon.

I would definitely keep pushing the dr though. 7 days waiting is pretty appalling for someone with asthma 😐

I think maybe trying to make the switch to sleeping together with the baby might help in the longterm. It is really hard. With my 2nd, I stayed up all night watching her when she was born. You're wired and you can't shut off, and both times, for me, that went on for months. But even at 6 months old, when DD cries in another room with DP, it's like a siren. If I could hear it, I couldn't go to sleep.

Honestly though, you will work it out for you in the end, and that's all that matters. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another. If only each one came with instructions, but...

Figuring out how they tick is pretty amazing though. And you will win! We all do, in the end

@SnoozyLou Thank you. It's very easy to feel like it will always always be this way, but logic tells me that she'll not need to be held to sleep when she's a toddler. Having a toddler needing a cuddle all night sounds like a luxury compared to having to stay awake to let a baby sleep on you, so I'm trying to hold on to that thought.