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Original poster

Do you allow your teens to swear in messages to friends?

75 replies

FelicityFoxwell · 26/01/2021 20:44

My youngest is 14 and chats online to lots of friends, usually via Instagram messaging where they all seem to congregate.

I check these messages from time to time just to ensure he's alright and nothing is going on that I might need to know about (all done with his knowledge before anyone tells me I'm invading his privacy - I don't allow a young teen completely unfettered access to the internet!) and I'm not overly impressed recently.

We don't swear in the house. I've never sworn in front of my kids and they don't swear either. (In front of me that is!) Not for any particular reason, I just choose not to do it

Anyway - messages. Some have left me distinctly unimpressed ... it's just the basics of 'fucking hell mate!' and ' I was a bit of a dickhead there!' and that sort of thing.

I spoke to him and asked him if he was swearing on messages and he said 'noooo mum!' so fibbing to me

Anyway ... thought I'd canvas opinion. Would you allow your 14 year old to do this? I'd be inclined to turn a blind eye if he was older but he's not long turned 14.

So ... ridiculously OTT of me OR stamp it out ?

OP posts:
Original poster
FelicityFoxwell · 26/01/2021 20:53

@Merename this speaks to me and makes sense

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Kilcaple · 26/01/2021 20:54

I don’t think you have the right to censor the private messages of a 14 year old, no.

whenthestarsgoblue · 26/01/2021 20:54

Way ott.
You cannot control the way your 14 year old speaks to his friends, what should be in private. Step back.

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itsgettingweird · 26/01/2021 20:54

I'm not sure there's any allowing at that age. You let him have an account and so he writes what he likes - knowing you'll check it.

And it's not terrible what you've said was said and not beyond what I'd expect at this age.

Original poster
FelicityFoxwell · 26/01/2021 20:54

@EmmaStone yes this is where I'm at. I don't like it. But I think it's time to ignore this one

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MrsMcGarry · 26/01/2021 20:55

I wonder if he’s say your relationship is great to his mates? Although he probs would as he assumes you’ll be snooping on his conversations

Sn0tnose · 26/01/2021 20:55

You won’t stamp it out. No teenager on earth is going to stop swearing because their mum doesn’t like it. He’ll just get better at lying to you.

I think it would be better to appreciate that he understands that there’s a time and a place, which he obviously does if he’s not doing it in earshot of you.

Original poster
FelicityFoxwell · 26/01/2021 20:56

@MrsMcGarry you don't have to worry on that score. Leave that one to me.

I asked a question and the answers have been helpful - it's a shame that some people can't help but try and do some cod psychoanalysing ... I was called a narc up thread which is hilarious

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SnowDaysAndFunDays · 26/01/2021 20:57

I see it as a sort of life lesson, there's different ways of interacting and communicating with different groups. So how you speak with friends is different to how you speak to colleagues etc.
I wouldn't allow him to swear at me or around me but I'm not bothered around friends, although he is funny about swearing so I'm not sure if he does.
I would swear in front of my parents but I do swear around friends.

Chipsahoy · 26/01/2021 20:57

Ha, my 12 yr old has learned all the swear words off me. He doesn’t swear much at all though, if ever. I also don’t check his phone though, I trust him.
I wasn’t allowed to even say damn even as an adult in my parents house. It’s probably why I swear all of the time.

Original poster
FelicityFoxwell · 26/01/2021 20:57

@Sn0tnose yes he does realise there's a time and a place. That's a thoughtful comment though

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Throwaway99 · 26/01/2021 20:58

How exactly could you stamp it out? Read every single message? Punish him every time he swears in a message?

Howshouldibehave · 26/01/2021 20:58

Why do you allow it though?

Because I’m not really controlling about language and I encourage my kids to speak freely. We have also discussed when it’s appropriate to use certain types of language and when it’s not.

I think using slang language with some swearing in texts to your mates at 14 is probably appropriate. Using loads of swear words in front of grandma is not. Knowing when and where to use some words and phrases is part of growing up and I think they need a bit of space in which to experiment and practise this for themselves.

Original poster
FelicityFoxwell · 26/01/2021 20:58

@Chipsahoy ha ha - I called my brother a pig once and my dad gave me a severe telling off Grin

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Original poster
FelicityFoxwell · 26/01/2021 20:58

@Throwaway99 yeah you're right. Food for thought

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Original poster
FelicityFoxwell · 26/01/2021 20:59

@Howshouldibehave makes sense out like that

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user686233 · 26/01/2021 21:01

My teen swearing 'rules' (subject to change) are: They are not to swear aggressively. Eg, I won't tolerate them calling someone a bitch/prick, but shit/fuck/crap/ etc are usually fine.
No swearing in front of younger siblings/older relatives/teachers/other parents.
Because if you don't know the environment that swearing is acceptable you aren't mature enough to swear.
No swearing for affect/to shock.

Other than that I really don't mind it. I'm ok with mine swearing on group chats and with friends and with me as long as it isn't done like above to show off or if younger siblings are around. I'd pull them up on anything sexist/racist on group chats etc but thankfully that has never been a problem.

OrangeBananaFish · 26/01/2021 21:03

DS swears occasionally. Its usually to say his football team is shit when they lose. There is a time and place I agree, so as long as he doesn't say anything in front of my parents or use it in an abusive manor I let him get on with it. Makes me shudder a bit as he's my baby boy (even though he's 16 next month and leaving school this year)

therearefourlights · 26/01/2021 21:26

I still can't get over the fact you're going through the phone of a 14 year old. can I ask how long you intend to do this? do you go through his things as well?

Keepingitreal14 · 26/01/2021 21:30

It doesn’t bother me, I had a conversation with him saying I’m not naive enough to think he doesn’t swear with his friends but I don’t want to hear it and I certainly wouldn’t want other family members to hear it. That’s where we left it. All teens do it, it’s just how they behave.

Bouledeneige · 26/01/2021 21:30

Wow OTT squared

Isn't the point of being a teenager to do things your mother won't like? At least you've set the bar really low.

IdblowJonSnow · 26/01/2021 21:33

OTT.
I am a right old potty mouth and look forward to my kids swearing so I can join in. Ha ha.
If they were being mean to each other or about others and using abusive language- that i could get upset about the examples you gave, nothing to worry about.

Gilead · 26/01/2021 21:41

Definitely OTT. My attitude has always been as long as they know when it’s not appropriate, it’s fine.

Original poster
FelicityFoxwell · 26/01/2021 21:44

@therearefourlights oh I'll probably only do it until he's 26. And yes of course I go through his things - I rifle through his bedside drawers a dozen times a day at least

OP posts:
Original poster
FelicityFoxwell · 26/01/2021 21:45

Thanks for the responses - very helpful. Apart from the knob calling me a narc Grin

I'll leave the thread now as I've got what I wanted from it. Cheers everyone!

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