Anyone on here who has no contact, from childhood ,with their dad through his choice ?

[dizzycatdance2]

HI all

Just watching long lost family , and one thing that comes across again and again is the desire by the "child" in the situation to know if they were wanted, if they were loved.

My Exh has not had contact ,of any description , with our 4ds in over 5 years , and it was sporadic for 3 years before that. We don't even know where he lives, no conatct details of any kind. DCs aged

As an adult who's dad doesn't form a part of your life how does it feel to be "abandoned" in this way ? I just feel so much for my DCs, 2 adults now.

If many adopted children feel the need for " I WAS loved, I WASN'T abadoned, they DO think of me" how does a father's choice to not be a part of his Dcs life comapre ?

I can't know what is it like, but I want to know so that I can help my DCs, atm as far as their father is concerned, they are not wanted , they are not loved .

Thanks

I've never had any contact with my father since I was a baby (or any of his family), so absolutely no memories at all. I may be in the minority, but I can't say I've ever really given it much thought. I think there was a small phase in my teenage years where I thought I'd try find him, or sometimes I've googled his name. But that's all that ever came of it.

I'm in my 30's now and never felt unloved or abandoned from it, but I had a secure relationship with my mother and one set of grandparents.

hi coveting

thanks for that, My dc's have had a stable upbring with me , so if for you , having a stable childhood was " enough" , IYKWIM, then that is a comfort

My dad left when I was 3
Most of the time I don't give it a second thought however I suffer from depression, anxiety
I'm a tough person to be friends with or in a relationship as I always feel that I'm not good enough or that they are going to leave me - so I guess it has shaped who I am
I do not have a close relationship with my mum or anyone else in the family so that hasn't helped those feelings either.
I would love to know why he left me.........I'm 42 x

Just place marking to come back when I have more time. I didn’t see my dad through my choice from about 5 and I’m fine with it.

Oh thank you all for your posts , made me cry.

My dcs are of the "don't care , don't think about it" thought when I have asked them . I dont try to push it.

They are , now, 16,18,20 and 22.

My parents were always "there" for me, so my dcs loss is hard to even be a part of .

I do worry about their future relationships, if the one person (of 2) who should be there for you just isn't then how do you deal with that ??

I was rejected by my father as a baby. I have never seen him or know anything about him. This has significantly affected my life in many ways. I was extremely embarrassed about not having a dad growing up. I’m 38 now, but can clearly remember feeling sad when my friends spoke of what they did with their dads on the weekend.

What made it worse for me was that my mum rejected me too. I could sense all my life that she didn’t want me. For example, she made comments all the time about my siblings looking like her and I could see the pride in her face when she said it. But she never made the same comments about me. Once I overheard her say she wished she aborted me. The comment stuck with me as I never knew what it meant.

It has affected my relationships in that, I became really independent from a young age and developd the belief that I didn’t need anybody in my life. In the one long term relationship I’ve had, I had a persistent fear he never wanted me, and feared losing him the whole time, so I could never enjoy the relationship.

I think if my relationship with my mother was better, that would have made not having my father around somewhat easier to accept. From your post, you obviously love your children very much to have considered their feelings.

Mine left when I was a baby. I don't give him any thought, he means nothing to my life and I don't feel I'm missing anything. I've never been tempted to look him up or try and find him.

My father left when I was a baby and it’s just never been a big deal. I’ve never felt any urge to see him or have him be part of my life or even to ask him why he left.

I still watch those programmes and cry though! I just don’t identify with the ‘seekers’ at all.

I was abandoned by my 'mother' at a young age. I vaguely remember her and specific incidents, all negative.

It has had a huge affect on me, knowing that I wasn't wanted. I didn't grow up with my father but he was still in my life, however he played no part in actually doing any of the upbringing and I have spent my life making excuses because in my mind, he was the parent that stuck around. Accept that's only through circumstance not choice and he's been gradually withdrawing contact over the last few years. I actually feel some relief because I can stop hoping that we will get this magical relationship between us that never exisited in the first place. He never wanted me as much as my mother didn't. In fact his has been worse as I've found out he used me to claim single parent benefits, preventing me from being adopted so he could do this.

I had stability with other family members who have shown me that they did want me, I believe that had saved me a lot. I felt a lot of hatred abd resentment of my 'mother' growing up for abandoning me, now I don't care. I have people around me that I want in my life and I've come to realise that is more important.

It's taken over 30 years to get to that though and it's been very hard and taken a huge toll on my mental health. However if your DCs are all indifferent to their 'father' then take that for what it is. DP pointed out to me the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifferent and being indifferent to someone is far better than having hatred and resentment because that just affects you, not them.

Except not accept

My story is similar to @Whatthebloodyell my parents split when I was a baby, my father didn’t bother too much, more just for the show of trying to see me, he’d pick me up on a Saturday afternoon and drop me at his mums while he watched football, this was when I was about 5ish. I started complaining about going and refusing to go so my mum let me choose as she was aware of what was happening when I visited him. There was a few half hearted phone call after that but nothing now for at least 25years. I don’t actually feel anything about it, I don’t feel sad or that I missed out on anything, like a PP I did used to feel embarrassed at school when friends spoke about their dad but that’s all. It’s a cliche but mum was enough for both of them.

On the other hand my husband feels abandoned and wonders why his father left, it’s affected him in adult life and stayed in a marriage for far longer than he should have done for the sake of the children.

The love I would have had for him was changed into even more love and admiration for my mum. She provided so much stability in our childhoods. He left her too, but she never spoke badly of him. Let us choose our own feelings towards him.

As an adult, I look at a photo of him with me as a baby, and it amazes me that he looked at me the same way DH looked at our newborns and then... Left. It's incredible to me.

I watch DH with DD, and how lovely their daddy/daughter relationship is, and it's completely new to me. That makes me sad, but also happy that between us we've stayed together longer than either of our parents did. Our kids are so lucky.

My mum's father left before she was born, her mother also passed away when she was 13. She really missed her mum, but with her father she was more curious about who he was, why he left etc. We got some closure when we traced a family member of his and found out about him. I think it was the not knowing that bothered her most, but it might be different for others.

Thank you for all your posts , so much loss , and for those who have been "abandoned" by both parents , there aren't words :-(

I often think , and sorry if this upsets anyone, that my dcs would have had an ",easier" time of it had he died. At least then he would not be able yo see then rather than choosing not to.

I just can't imagine not wanting to see my kids, I would, and I know so many parents would say the same, walk across broken glass for my kids, and their dad can't even pick up the phone.

I have had therapy after the breakdown of my marriage, my kids know this and how it has helped me so I hope that ,if they want it , that it is a option for them

My DP has had no contact with his father for well over 20yrs (now in early 30s).
I find it very odd that someone can just walk out of their family's life.
My DP says he never thinks about it and doesn't feel that it's had any effect on his life. I assumed that with his dad working away a lot anyway, he probably didn't spend much time with him, but apparently they were very close and spent their weekends together doing various activities.
I can't understand how his dad could just move out, start a new family and then ditch the first family.
He has contacted my DP's brother in the past (they weren't at all close) but is not in regular contact.

My DP was tempted to contact him when we had a child last year, but I didn't see the point as it's likely he wouldn't be interested in keeping in touch. I was more worried about health issues he could have that we don't know about that could affect/be passed to our own family.

It also sounds like your DSs were age 11 - 18 when he left, they had him for enough time to form an opinion of him and know what he was like. Do they know why he left however, that would be natural to be curious about. If they are saying they aren't curious at all that might be a bit of a defense mechanism perhaps?

"On the other hand my husband feels abandoned and wonders why his father left, it’s affected him in adult life and stayed in a marriage for far longer than he should have done for the sake of the children."

This is my DPs experience too. His parents split and his father didn't bother much with him. He vowed he'd never walk away from a child, not that he even wanted them, however his ex got pregnant so he stayed. He stuck by his word and stayed in a very unhappy and toxic relationship just so he wasn't abandoning his child, damaging his MH in the process. It was not worth it IMO.

My father walked out when I was very little. I have a vague memory of being introduced to him on a day trip on a steam train when I must have been about 3 and having no connection with him. My mother introducing a stranger as my father. I think that is the last time I saw him.
I don’t think I have given this person a second thought over the years. A case of what you have never had you don’t miss

I can never understand the big deal when there are posts about children growing up without a father.
The long lost family type scenario I find a little off putting as I am of the opinion of if someone wanted to be in a child’s life then they would be.
I was once reported as a missing person by a relative. I wasn’t missing I just chose not to contact this person again and they knew the reason why I didn’t want them in my life.

My exh had a massive mh break down when the dcs were 5 7, 9,11

He really stopped being a dad then, though his behaviour was only bad at home, never with others .

He walked out when they were 7 9,11,13 .

Very little contact for 3 years then nothing for the last 5 .

My eldest DC's bio father, did not leave her. He didn't want any baby -35 and said he "wasn't ready" -I did it alone. So it was hard. But she has my family and I never made it about her -he didn't know her. She could have been anyone.

My now ex friend used to bang on about how awful it was. Then her husband trashed the house and committed DV and he walked out and they divorced and hasn't seen them since -children were 14 and 7 -somehow my friend told me that this was "much better for her children mentally" -err no. There is no right and wrong. Both are tragic. I can not control my ex and I refuse to take the blame for his actions. Mine didn't have a "Biological father to miss" -her children had their father until late one night when he was drink and lost it and prior to that for the previous 2 years -she refused to speak to her husband as he had an affair. So the children had two years- literally of their parents not speaking in the same house. Somehow she feels this is "better" to have had and lost then never had. I've distanced myself massively. We do the best by our children -but we are not responsible for others. Especially children.

@Fudgsicles your DHs experience sounds identical to my husbands!

@dizzycatdance2

My exh had a massive mh break down when the dcs were 5 7, 9,11

He really stopped being a dad then, though his behaviour was only bad at home, never with others .

He walked out when they were 7 9,11,13 .

Very little contact for 3 years then nothing for the last 5 .

My friend's husband walked out on her and their 4 children 10 years ago. Hasn't been heard of since. Recently declared dead -so at least my friend can sell the house and move. She is in a new relationship now but she will never recover -the children (now adults) and struggling massively. For them it's the not knowing -he was depressed -but did he walk out and committ suicide, did he come to harm, or is he still alive -no one knows. For years, I watched those children unable to move house and running to the door thinking "Daddy" might be back. Not heard from -for 10 years. My friend rages and then worries they might find him the dyke as he slipped or something -what then a constant oscillation between guilt, anger,fear etc it's truly awful and no one knows what has happened to him.

Oh 2021 that's heart breaking, hope , as they say, is a terrible thing.

To never know, just awful.

I am, in a way grateful that my exh isn't in and out of the dcs lives ,

I doubt he'll ever be I contact again, though I do occasionally offer to drive the dcs to the small town we think he lives in and try to find him.

How pathetic that that is what we are reduced to.