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Original poster

I am about to scream!

40 replies

BecauseIhaveTo · 25/01/2021 16:10

NCd for this because I'm sure many MNers will tell me I'm being ridiculous and poor me am I not aware of the real problems in the world, etc.

I divorced four years ago (I left my DH). Since then I've had a couple of relationships (8 months and 2 years) but the issue is I am quite wealthy (multiple homes, multiple cars, staff, etc) and trying to find someone I like and who likes me back, who I have chemistry with, and who can afford a similar lifestyle to me seems impossible.

When I tried online dating I never came across anyone with the kind of lifestyle that I'd like in a partner. My relationships ended because in both cases my OH felt they couldn't contribute equally to the things we did (we didn't always do expensive stuff and when we did I paid). I have no issue paying for them once we've been in a serious relationship for a while and, for example, live together. But I don't want to be someone's meal ticket.

I know this sounds awful but I don't want to feel guilty for being wealthy and wanting to build a life with someone who can afford the same things I can (and who likes to, I should of course say). I don't want to go camping - I want to go to exclusive hotels. I don't want to catch the bus - I'll take a taxi. I don't want to cook - I have a cook who does that for me.

I have tried one of those match making agencies but they seem to only have older men (I'm mid 40s) who meet my criteria (no young kids, based in England, corporate-type job, likes to travel, eat out, art, etc.

Surely there are other wealthy women in my position here on MN who can share their dating stories? I met someone like that about 20 years ago - she had just turned 40 and talking to me was wondering where she could find a man who wasn't just after her money. Fast forward ten years and she married a very very senior man in the world of sport who was exactly the kind of partner she was looking for.

Flame me if you like but I'm really at a loss here and losing hope.

OP posts:
Honeybobbin · 25/01/2021 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BecauseIhaveTo · 25/01/2021 16:28

Hi @Honeybobbin _ I don't because I work from home and if I'm at industry events I'm with colleagues/clients/business partners. When I travel for work I'm rarely alone and if I am my head doesn't leave my laptop or my phone when I'm not with someone else. If I'm out in my free time I go to those places when I'm with a partner or with a (married) girlfriend (my treat - she's my best friend and I have no issues in treating her).

OP posts:
ConspiracyOfOne · 25/01/2021 17:03

There must be some high end dating agencies for HNW clients?

ConspiracyOfOne · 25/01/2021 17:04

Also where did your friend meet her partner?

ThatVeganFeminist · 25/01/2021 17:07

It's hard enough to meet men who are solvent, decent and attractive let alone wanting them to be wealthy as well. Of course you don't want to be ripped off but maybe you need to adjust your expectations a bit

Avvii · 25/01/2021 17:07

My friend was in a very similar situation to this and found it really frustrating. In the end she had a brief fling with a neighbour and now they’re getting married! I’m not sure how great this is as a technique though. I’m sure you’ll get loads of snarky replies but I understand what you’re saying. It’s the no young kids that’s probably the hardest request to meet. Good luck with it.

FraughtwithGin · 25/01/2021 17:17

Remove the "desperate" that is invisibly plastered to your forehead.

Original poster
BecauseIhaveTo · 25/01/2021 17:26

@ConspiracyOfOne

Also where did your friend meet her partner?
Her brother is married to her DH's sister. They met through them.
OP posts:
Original poster
BecauseIhaveTo · 25/01/2021 17:29

@FraughtwithGin can I ask where you got the impression I'm desperate from? I'm not desperate. I'm frustrated at the lack of 'suitable' men - I have plenty of chats online with different men. They are just not right for me. I'm happy in my own company. I don't have much free time because I have a very demanding job so I'm not sitting at home wondering what to do with my free afternoon. I go on holiday with friends and socialise. Maybe you assumed I'm desperate because you're projecting on me?

OP posts:
EggyPegg · 25/01/2021 17:36

Outside of the pandemic are you a member of a gym or country club? Do you have any hobbies? Tennis, skiing, sailing etc? Joining an exclusive club will bring you into contact with men of the lifestyle you're seeking.

The no children bit will be the trickiest part for though. If you want a man of a similar age to you, I would imagine most have a past that includes children.

It's unfortunate that you see yourself as a meal ticket. What happened to just making a connection with someone? It's clear that being financial equals is important to you. But you are discounting many men who don't see you as a meal ticket, who just enjoy your company. Much like your best friend that you don't mind treating.

Original poster
BecauseIhaveTo · 25/01/2021 17:38

@Avvii Yes, I'm aware that the 'no young kids' is a limiting factor but it's a deal breaker for me. I've had a brief relationship with someone with small children and it was a nightmare tried to juggle his free weekends with seeing friends, going away, etc.

OP posts:
Sprig1 · 25/01/2021 17:39

I think hobbies may be the way to go. Obviously not helpful in a pandemic but around here (rural) if you got involved in country sports there would be plenty of opportunity to meet the right people. I am not sure what a suitable city alternative would be.

OhioOhioOhio · 25/01/2021 17:41

Totally understand. It's a minefield.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 25/01/2021 17:43

If I were you I'd pay for a matchmaker to find you the right type of person for you to date. (I wish I had the money to do it for myself!)

Original poster
BecauseIhaveTo · 25/01/2021 17:44

@EggyPegg I don't have time for a gym so I have a personal trainer who comes to see me every morning at 6:00am for an hour. The idea of joining a club sounds good but I tend to spend my weekends (when not in a relationship) with my friends. Although maybe I should start changing that (once we are allowed out again of course) - I've always wanted to learn how to play tennis in fact. I'm not discounting men who don't see me as a meal ticket but I don't really want to be the one having to pay when we go away or do more expensive stuff.

@ConspiracyOfOne there are - they are the ones I mentioned in the OP - most of the men who meet my criteria are in their sixties or older.

OP posts:
Original poster
BecauseIhaveTo · 25/01/2021 17:46

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn I tried one just to see. THey found one guy that met the criteria, but he's based in Germany. As much as I don't mind travelling, when you have to travel for half a day for a date and then back again, it's a bit of a turn off. I was told I should relax my criteria - by a match maker who wanted £15K!

OP posts:
CheddarGorgeous · 25/01/2021 17:46

You need a HNW dating agency or expensive hobbies/holidays/club membership.

Or when you date you have to just do cheap things like walks and cinema and pizza until you are committed enough to sub them.

If you work very long hours do you give yourself enough time to meet someone?

cookiesncurls · 25/01/2021 17:46

Unfortunately the value of a woman decreased as she ages regardless of her wealth. It's going to be nearly impossible to find a high value man of a similar age to you that would choose you over a younger woman... it sounds savage but it's true.

Might be worth looking for an older man.

Original poster
BecauseIhaveTo · 25/01/2021 17:48

@CheddarGorgeous No, you're right, I don't give myself enough time to 'meet' someone. Hence the OLD. My thinking is that if it's hard enough when you have a 'catalogue' of people to choose from, the chance of finding someone just by meeting them 'normally' are very slim.

OP posts:
Original poster
BecauseIhaveTo · 25/01/2021 17:49

@cookiesncurls that too. I'm told I'm attractive (I'm slim, work out, take good care of myself and my skin, I enjoy dressing well) but I certainly cannot compete with a 20-something!

OP posts:
bloodyhairy · 25/01/2021 17:49

I do get it, OP. It must be difficult for you to find someone compatible.
And to the poster who called her desperate, wind your jealous neck in Hmm

bloodyhairy · 25/01/2021 17:52

OP, you sound very similar indeed to a good friend of mine. She recently met a compatible match (financially successful, etc), who is actually a few years younger than her! So it can be done. Not all men are shallow enough to want a younger model.

CheddarGorgeous · 25/01/2021 17:52

But there will be loads of men who don't do OLD. You need to make time to go places and do things where these lovely men are.

Also, slightly reminded of Dawn French (you are much younger of course) and her husband who is not wealthy/glamorous etc. but they are very happy. You might not meet someone who can match you wealth wise but as long as you suit each other and he pays his way that should be ok?

Persephonegoddess · 25/01/2021 17:53

Join soho house or a similar 'private club', that ensures that the people there will have a certain hnw to start with.
They do singles evenings but also mean you will mix and make friends in the circles you want to date in.

As regards to kids, your best bet is to look for a divorcee whos kids are adults, men over 40 with no kids are hard to find.

I'm glad you are not selling yourself short and looking out for yourself cos no one else will, I hope you find a relationship.

nancybotwinbloom · 25/01/2021 17:56

Op they say what is for you won't pass you by.

I think you will meet someone when you are not expecting to.

That's always happened to me.

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