I am about to scream!

[BecauseIhaveTo]

NCd for this because I'm sure many MNers will tell me I'm being ridiculous and poor me am I not aware of the real problems in the world, etc.

I divorced four years ago (I left my DH). Since then I've had a couple of relationships (8 months and 2 years) but the issue is I am quite wealthy (multiple homes, multiple cars, staff, etc) and trying to find someone I like and who likes me back, who I have chemistry with, and who can afford a similar lifestyle to me seems impossible.

When I tried online dating I never came across anyone with the kind of lifestyle that I'd like in a partner. My relationships ended because in both cases my OH felt they couldn't contribute equally to the things we did (we didn't always do expensive stuff and when we did I paid). I have no issue paying for them once we've been in a serious relationship for a while and, for example, live together. But I don't want to be someone's meal ticket.

I know this sounds awful but I don't want to feel guilty for being wealthy and wanting to build a life with someone who can afford the same things I can (and who likes to, I should of course say). I don't want to go camping - I want to go to exclusive hotels. I don't want to catch the bus - I'll take a taxi. I don't want to cook - I have a cook who does that for me.

I have tried one of those match making agencies but they seem to only have older men (I'm mid 40s) who meet my criteria (no young kids, based in England, corporate-type job, likes to travel, eat out, art, etc.

Surely there are other wealthy women in my position here on MN who can share their dating stories? I met someone like that about 20 years ago - she had just turned 40 and talking to me was wondering where she could find a man who wasn't just after her money. Fast forward ten years and she married a very very senior man in the world of sport who was exactly the kind of partner she was looking for.

Flame me if you like but I'm really at a loss here and losing hope.

@BecauseIhaveTo
Realistically something has to sacrifice because of this...
It's wonderful that you're looking after yourself. That's the first step - making yourself as desirable to 'the buyer' as possible. Sounds absolutely crude but it is what it is... the competition is with us women! A wealthy 40 yr old man can get whoever he pleases pretty much.

It might be an idea to think about your non-negotiables and what could be sacrificed.
So that might mean he's not as wealthy, or maybe older, etc...

Sometimes it's better to go back to the ex husband if the only issue there was difference in wealth!

Hope that's given you something to ponder upon x

Thank you for the positive comments!

As for being happy with someone who's not as wealthy, yes, that is of course possible but not many men are happy to have their partner 'sub' them. See my two previous relationships. I also don't want to start paying for them straight away. Not until the relationship is serious. But that would mean that until then I'd have to change the way I like doing things and that would likely lead to resentment. My fault I know, but I'm being honest.

I am a member of Soho house actually - I had forgotten that's considered a club. When I think of clubs I think of rambling piles in the country! In my experience when you go there you either find celebrities or rich kids. I think I need to start playing tennis and clay pigeon shooting once Covid is over

These look reputable op?

thevidaconsultancy.com

You're focusing too much on your money I think. Yes you're wealthy, yes that's great, but you could meet someone with a great heart who doesn't have as much money, and they wouldn't care. Not having a personal cook does not equal someone who can only afford a camping holiday for a start. You obviously don't want to be taken advantage of but if you set aside your wealth and go for someone with a normal income but keep your money under wraps until you know them better, it could surprise you.

@bloodyhairy
She's an exception. Good for her! But defo an exception to the norm.
Men typically don't want that... high value men typically wait until they're older before having kids which means they would want a younger woman to allow for this.

I wouldn't want to get hopes up. It could happen, but very rarely

Op I love clay pigeon shooting and I go whenever I can. Have you been before it's great.

How about an actual matchmaker? One that specializes in situations like yours.

I think the big issue op is your lack of time. Even if you find a man as successful as you, with competing schedules will you have time to get to know each other?

You don't mention how old you are but what age of man are you looking for?

Are you hoping to meet someone and start a family? Men as rich as you are very likely not to have the same issues as you have about dating people with much less - they’re more likely to go for younger women themselves, the younger age being the commodity that the woman brings to the relationship. I’m not saying that is right or good but it does seem to be the norm.

I know of two women who have been in your situation and I'm afraid to say they have both 'settled' with being a 'meal ticket'.

However, they are both very happy with their attentive and notably younger but poorer new men.

They do fund the relationship to an extent but they get plenty of fun and companionship in return, which personally seems worth it. You perhaps have more going on in your life already though, these woman would be quite lonely otherwise.

I think you'll be veeeery lucky to find a very wealthy 40-something alpha male (who you fancy) who either doesn't have kids under 18 and/or is actually free.

You want a perfect man with no ties and limitless funds.

You may well have to budge on some criteria. Probably have to accept he will be 60 plus. Calmed down enough that doesn't need a woman for kids, his are 20 plus, and he's looking for a a civilised companion who will look good and lives only for pleasure.

Soho House etc isn't a bad hunting ground. And what about those elite dating sites where you have to have a Coutts ac to join?! Not joking - there are some.

Or start looking up suitable old friends who might be free by now ...

Or go foreign? A lot of b nice and v rich men in S America. I think you'll have to throw the net wider somehow.

@BecauseIhaveTo
I am sure you are very busy and important (I might be too, had you considered this?).
However, you appear to be posing the kind of questions asked by many insecure 20-30 year olds, which makes me somewhat suspicious.
Surely, if you are in the situation you claim, you will meet many "eligible" men in either work or social situations.

I think be open and see re the meal ticket. They are out there - the ones who know you have more money and aren't intimidated by it and are happy to pay their way if it means cheaper dates initially and then will be ok with you subsidising later once things are settled. Having met some that can't deal with it doesn't mean none of them can!

Dating past a certain age is hard. It involves lots and lots of false starts and knowing your worth. But if you don't have a deadline (ie having children) then you can afford to shop around. Strings off dates that go nowhere are disheartening but you can do it if you remember all the time what you want at the end of it.

If you are happy with yourself and what you can offer then keep going online and try new things in real life once you can. You won't have to settle I promise but you will need to be patient and determined and steel your nerves to get through the wrong ones quickly to make sure you are available to meet the right one.

You sound positive about yourself and you are clear about what you need. Make time for it and commit to it even when you can't see an end in sight.

I did five years online dating in my mid to late 30s - it was so hard. But I held out and met my husband and he is the best thing that ever happened to me and very worth the wait. Keep going.

To those of you saying to give someone a chance even though they don't tick the financial box, it sounds good on paper but that would mean having to change my lifestyle for a year or longer (i.e. until I feel I'm happy to pay for us both) while we do stuff we can both afford to do. My point is that I'd like to find someone I can keep on living the same type of life with, from the start. I know it's a tall order, hence my frustration.

I don't want to start a family btw; not sure if this helps or not. I would think it does but happy to be told differently.

The 'elite' dating sites as a PP suggested have all brought up older men. There aren't many men sub-60 on those sites. Or on match makers' books. And I would like to find someone in England (a PP suggested going international) because as I don't take much time off I don't want to add the need to travel for days to go and see his family, to the equation.

And I agree entirely with @Crossfingersandtoes - dating when you're not a 20 something (as I mentioned above, I'm mid-40s) is hard enough without the limitations I've put on the profile of my ideal man. But I really don't want to have to choose an older man who will probably only have ten or 15 years left when he wants to go half-way around the world for a one-week holiday, or who will succumb to age-related issues much before me.

OP I really don't think that you are going to find this person unless you put a lot of time into it. Not now in lockdown but when we're all allowed out again.

Can you take a sabbatical / backfill your role for 6 months and focus on the task of finding a soulmate? It seems a shame to have that lovely life and no one to share it with.