How would you have dealt with these situations assertively?

[Completelyunassertive]

I'm really poor at assertiveness and need to improve, but I keep stewing on some recent things that have happened to me and wonder how those of you that are assertive would have dealt with them?

1. Had a carpet fitter (subcontracted from a national carpet chain) come to fit a carpet whilst I was home alone. He was very pervy the whole time he was here and kept telling me explicit details of sexual encounters he'd had, making filthy innuendos about me/towards me and worst of all kept trying to show me photos on his phone and leaving on me when doing so, completely encroaching on my personal space. I felt totally violated when he'd gone and felt quite vulnerable whilst he was here. On the other hand I didn't dare say anything in case he stormed out and didn't fit the carpet and made me out to be unreasonable.

2. I very regularly go to a local store to post parcels for mine and DH's business. Most staff are really nice there but one woman makes it clear she does not like me. She's very nice and polite and chatty to other customers but does not like me and is rude to me. The other day I went into the shop and she was at the till speaking to a man who also works there. When she saw me she looked at me, whispered to him, then they both looked at me and burst out laughing then when I got to the till she patted him, said 'I'll leave you to it' and walked off. I didn't say anything but wish I could think of a way to deal with how she is with me.

3. I was in the local supermarket and was pushing a trolley when my ankle gave way and I stumbled noticeably (ankle is weak after breaking it years ago). Two lads stacking shelves both laughed loudly at me, which I thought was fucking rude! Luckily I didn't totally fall as I was pushing the trolley. I didn't say anything as this particular supermarket has signs up at the moment saying no one is to be rude to staff and anyone who is rude to staff will be 'reported and banned', and I really don't fancy a ban as it's only down the road from me.

How would you have dealt with these situations?

Number 1 I would have informed 101 and his manager and told him to fuck off
Number 2 is a cheeky bitch and I would be addressing both her and her manager

Number 3 I would just tell them to piss off

I am not as assertive as I would like to be either. 1 and 3 I would email the manager. In scenario 2 I would use a different post office unless the nearest one was miles and miles away.

1 - That bloke sounds like a sexual predator and I would inform his company as they shouldn't have someone working there. Sounds frightening and it's perfectly understandable that you didn't know how to handle it. I wouldn't have confronted him directly but would have gone into another room and contacted the contractor and explained what was going on and let them handle it.

1. Speak to her manager

1. Let it go. Little pricks.

No 1 - if a hard state combined with saying 'I'm not in the least bit interested in hearing about that' didn't get the message across I'd be on the phone to his employer. In fact I'd probably phone the employer anyway as that's not on.

No 2 - 'Was that anything I need to know about?' Or 'Well, what were you two finding so funny?'

No 3 - 'Well lads, what exactly is funny about someone hurting themselves?'

I used to be unassertive, but menopause seems to have changed me into someone who doesn't take any nonsense. I find it quite liberating.

No 1 should of course say 'hard stare', not 'hard state'. FFS. Didn't check for autocorrects properly

No 1 I would stepped away, gone into another and told him I had to do some work, tell me when you're finished. Would have considered telling his boss afterwards.

No 2 I would have beamed at them both and asked what was so funny.

No 3 I would have laughed it off and it wouldn't bother me.

I do have the skin of a rhino, though, and am quite assertive.

Truth be told, I could write you a gazillion responded, but IRL, I'd probably be the same as you in all three of your scenarios

Responses

I would also have felt aggrieved in these situations and probably wouldn’t know what to say at the time so don’t feel bad about it.

1. It’s not too late to make a complaint about this vile man. Do so anonymously if you feel more comfortable. He is likely to do this every time he is on his own with a female customer and it needs to stop. As a PP said he is a predator.

1. Make a complaint about this woman and/or think of what to say to her next time you go in. It is unacceptable.

1. You could have asked at the customer service desk to speak to the manager and make a complaint. They are a pair of immature arseholes.

I’m sorry to hear you’ve experienced these things recently, they are all out of order.
Similar things have happened to me before and they’ve really played on my mind afterwards. I can be quite sensitive but I am starting to speak up for myself more as I get older.

1. The carpet fitter is subcontracted from a national carpet chain and so has far more to lose than you do. No company is going to want it to be known that their fitters can’t be trusted when going into women’s homes. Never mind him storming out, he’s lucky you didn’t kick him out. Worst case scenario, he leaves the carpet undone. You get straight onto head office, tell them exactly what he said to you and demand that someone else return to sort the carpet immediately. If you aren’t getting the response you want, go on their social media page. Tweet them. Email the head of the company. At the time, it would have been one eyebrow raised, a hard stare and ‘I beg your pardon?’ at the very first inappropriate comment. He’d have been out on his ear if he’d continued. He’s the one who should have been made to feel uncomfortable, not you. Now, it would be a strongly worded email to their head office making a formal complaint.

2. I think I would have asked the man if there was a problem, because when you look at someone, whisper and laugh, you’re either being really rude about them or you’re not very good with social interaction, so which is it? And if she was the person who would be serving me next time, I would wait until the first hint of rudeness and say ‘have you got a problem serving me? Because I’ve been perfectly polite to you. I don’t want to be your friend, but I do expect a basic level of politeness in return. If you can’t do that, then tell me now because I’m quite happy to have your manager serve me.’

3. Those signs are to protect staff from abuse. They aren’t there to give dickheads the freedom to be doing what they want. I think it would depend how angry I was. If they were young and stupid I’d be inclined to speak to them, tell them that they were a snidey pair of dickheads and ask them if their GSM would be laughing if they knew that the staff were sniggering at customers hurting themselves. If I was really angry, I’d probably go straight to customer services and ask to speak to a manager.

I think that the key is to say these things very firmly, but calmly. If you feel your voice starting to shake and your temper going, they’ll dismiss you as someone who isn’t in control of the situation and who is aggressive rather than assertive. Practice in front of the mirror if you need to.

1. I would have clearly told him I’m not interested in hearing about his sex life and would have reported it to his company. He sounds disgusting

2. I wouldn’t really care if a random woman in the post office doesn’t like me

3. I’d probably have laughed myself but you could have glared over at them.

There’s probably online assertiveness training you can do and you can still report the creep from the first incident

1. I'd have called his manager and you still should, sounds horrible

1. I would not assume they were laughing at me tbh and if they were I couldn't care less

1. I'd have laughed at myself this is not a big deal imho

1. I would have walked into another room and left him to it. Then reported to the manager. He sounds vile!

1. I would have glared at them and if I was feeling brave enough asked if there's a problem as I'm sure I saw you both laugh at me?

1. Probably would glare at them too and say something along the lines of ' funny it it?' That usually causes embarrassment and they will stop laughing and hopefully learn not to do it again.

Is it not it it !

1. I wouldn't have stayed there with him in the first place, but I'm not sure what I would have done in that situation, probably just excuse myself and leave.

1. I'd have complained about her long before then to be honest but in that particular situation I would have asked of they had a problem with me.

1. I'd have asked them to go and get their manager.

With rude teens I go all fake friendly and say ‘ oh hello!!! It’s you!! How’s the family? Must have a catch up with your mum’

1. Lifted him by the scruff of the neck and physically thrown him out while swearing and beating the shit out of him. Called the police and the shop.

1. Raised an eye brow and glared hard. Stood in front of her and stared and glared and said nothing.

1. "Fuck off you stupid little fucking adolescent wankers" LOUDLY

Thanks everyone for the replies! I have to admit it is number 1 on the list that is bothering me the most. I am thinking of complaining to the store manager at least or maybe to the carpet company's head office. I'm guessing if he's done it to me he's done it to lots of other women too?

1/ Hard stare. Refuse to look at phone. Say I don't wish to know. I'll be in the next room if you need anything.
Complain afterwards.

2/ you two are in a good mood this morning. Second class please.

3/ probably limp off feeling embarrassed...

@BigGreen

1. I'd have called his manager and you still should, sounds horrible

1. I would not assume they were laughing at me tbh and if they were I couldn't care less

1. I'd have laughed at myself this is not a big deal imho

This

1. I'd have told him it was inappropriate and I didn't want to hear it. If he carried on I'd have told him to leave. Either way, I'd report to his employer.

Pressed post too soon ...

1. Be overly nice. Just because I can.

1. I'd have just carried on and not given it a second thought

You can still complain about the carpet fitter, OP. He has far more to lose than you do.

1. I am quite confrontational but even I would have made my excuses and gone to another room, probably with access to the outside, then complained after. Mainly because I was alone in a house with a man I would have deemed as a potential predator.

1. With the caveat that you shouldn't assume they're laughing at you, would have said loudly to male colleague, "Is she always so rude or does she just dislike me specifically?", then she knows you're onto her and will hopefully shame him.

1. I probably would have laughed it off, again, don't be so sure they're laughing at you, a stumble isn't that funny, may have been something else.

I agree that you should report that fitter OP. He sounds dodgy and the next woman may get worse behaviour. They should at least be made aware of what he's like. Put it in writing as well ie email rather than phone.