What have I done wrong?

[Slipperyslippers]

Argh, feel so down about the children and can't work out what what I should have done differently.
I seem to be surrounded by people with bright children: neighbours applying for Oxford, colleagues' kids finding maths too easy, family members being offered places at fancy 6th forms to study maths and so on. These kids are from all sorts of background from rich to poor, single parents to families with lots of local support.

Meanwhile, in the Slippers household, we have a DC who doesn't know what to do after college but doesn't want to go to university. A DC who wants to go to 6th form but might not get the grades and a DC with SEN who struggles with everything to do with school. None of them shine at anything, we never hear much in the way of positives from school. There have been several friendship issues for one of them. They don't cause trouble at school. None have a strong group of friends.

We have provided a safe, comfortable home we've had modest family holidays and they've been encouraged to take up hobbies. They are healthy. I can't see how we have got to this point where I am so worried about their futures, it's so frustrating. I honestly thought that providing a safe home was the most important thing in a child's development.
I'm not on social media so don't have that making me feel worse about myself. Anyone feel they are in a similar situation?

Ah slippers, my dc are just staring high school, lovely dc but quiet, friends but no strong core group out of school. No one has a burning desire to head off in any direction.

Can't help, but you're not alone. It's frustrating to bring up kind, thoughtful children and see them lost in the world.

Are they happy kids?

Maybe consider things they aren't to make you appreciate them!
They aren't drug takers.
They aren't alcohol drinkers.
They aren't being cruel to animals.
They aren't terrorising your neighbours /neighbourhood.
They aren't on Crimestoppers.
They aren't bullies.
They aren't trashing your home.
They aren't begging to leave home at 16.
If all of the above applies then imo you are raising bloody amazing dc!!

Thanks for replying. I'd say 2/3 are happy children but the eldest is unhappy and won't plan a future, no plan a or plan b. We're trying to get some help for them We've had various problems with them over the years.
They really shouldn't be drug takers, bullies or criminals. That isn't the home we've brought them into. Neither should they be racists, homophobes or misogynists again that's not our homelife. They aren't materialistic either, happy with hand me down/ supermarket clothes and cheap tech. The sad truth is the school would rather accept the clever racist into 6th form than my kind dc.
We've read to them loads, cuddled and played with them. We've fed them nutritious food at family meal times.
I was hoping they'd have a relatively easy life, plenty of choices and a painfree transition into adulthood but it doesn't seem to happening for them.
I don't know what I could have done differently.

DD1 was academicly average, disinterested in further education, hard work or bettering themselves, lovely person but not about to set the road let alone the world on fire. Fast forward 7 years and an unplanned pregnancy and they have found themselves, resat (and passed) gcse's, access course, uni and working towards Master's qualification. Now professionally qualified front line worker, huge number of friends and one of the nicest people I know. We all grow at our own pace, maybe your DC aren't on the same schedule as others but there is plenty of time for them to find the thing that makes them special.

Thanks @Hopenadglory, it's the sort of story I want to hear about.

Just watching Simon Reeves on TV now and his background isn't what I'd expect from a BBC presenter, so that's giving me perspective.

OP, you've nurtured them and given them security, not everyone gets that in life.
Don't worry if they aren't on a pathway to a career at this time; they'll find their route, might have to take a couple of wrong turns first but they will be ok.

OP I can relate to this...my (only) DS is as you describe your first. Bright but didn't do as well as he wanted at A levels, definitely doesn't want to go to Uni and took an unconventional gap year (not yah) which got interrupted by Covid. He's been sitting in his room getting more and more angry for the last year. Still no idea what he wants to do but watching the opportunities shrink while his friends move forward (albeit in unsatisfactory conditions). I too gave him a warm, secure upbringing (on my own). We didn't have a lot when he was younger but he wanted for nothing.

I don't have an answer for you but wanted you to know that you're not alone.

Yes see your point my 2 closest friends have grade9 kids and wonder which Russell group uni...accross the road are at Cambridge at the end of the road Oxford....even those less hard core academics have specific interest/skills that will take them places...1 been picked for gb sports coaching the other music/drama multi instrumentalist... mine ..not so much...brighter than would show in exams but not academic at all...no specific skills ....hopefully they'll find a way.... but a loving childhood is worth gold ....

@MumOfPsuedoAdult and @Horsemad thank you for your kind words. Yes I have nutured them, I think.
I do feel very alone within my small group of friends, colleagues and family.
I want them to have a happy fulfilled lives but think they might drift.

We all come into our own at different stages, OP. Just becasue you see other people's children 'achieving', it doesn't mean they are happier or really have any idea what they want. They might even decide that what they thought they want from life, they actually don't in reality and unexpectedly find themselves lost. It's a tough tone for kids and young adults! Your children have a safe home and your love and support and that really does mean everything.

Some of the successful and/or happy people I know either weren't sure where they were heading or weren't academic achievers. I always think its challenging to know what you want to do for 40+ years possibly at 16/17/18!

Its hard I think when people brag about their children's achievements, I am in a sports group with one woman who does this and I know from others that there are difficulties in the family but we just get the edited highlights. It creates an impression that they have everything sorted but that's actually not the case.

Some of us take the scenic route to get to where we want to be and its a lot of pressure for young people to decide their future the age of 17/18.
Your children may take longer to figure things out but they have had a stable upbringing and that will stand them in good stead.

Well I'm over 50 and have also had little career success, I've only ever had jobs without progression. My most successful friend from school had a wonderful home life with lovely parents, that's what I've tried to emulate.
Thank you for all your reassuring comments. I'm being too hard on us all.

Having an abusive childhood has well and truly put me on the scenic route! I welled up reading your post just trying to imagine how many decades of therapy I could have avoided if I had half the home life that your kids appear to have benefited from.

In my life success is measured by not being in jail, taking class A's or wanting to end it all. Feeling safe enough to accept happiness into my world would be wonderful. I think your kids will do just fine meandering along looking ordinary. Go easier on yourself you have done a superb job.

What would better even look like to you?

Meh, I went to a very good university and did a fairly difficult academic degree which I did well in. Ended up doing admin jobs after uni, never making an awful lot of money. Made redundant on mat leave, and now trying to get back to work theoigh retraining. Nobody is set for life at your dcs' age. They will be just fine. Don't worry.

FWIW, I met people after I graduated who didn't have degrees or had degrees from random polytechs, who ended up doing way better than I did after uni.

Then, there's my DH who did amazing at school, amazing at uni AND has a good career. Yeah, you get those too! But it isn't always the case that good grades at school = good degree = stellar career. It really isn't. A lot of it is down to opportunity / dumb luck. You've given your dcs a great start, so they have the odds stacked in their favour.

@Slipperyslippers

Thanks *@Hopenadglory*, it's the sort of story I want to hear about.

Just watching Simon Reeves on TV now and his background isn't what I'd expect from a BBC presenter, so that's giving me perspective.

Have you read his book? I'd really recommend it.

@Slipperyslippers

Well I'm over 50 and have also had little career success, I've only ever had jobs without progression. My most successful friend from school had a wonderful home life with lovely parents, that's what I've tried to emulate. Thank you for all your reassuring comments. I'm being too hard on us all.

And yet you have been a caring parent and sound lovely so look how much you have got right. Academic achievement and career success doesn't only involve high grades and salaries and neither does life success.

The world needs good people more than it needs high achievers.

The only thing that worries me is that you don't think your eldest child is happy. Mental health is everything and good self esteem and resilience are super powers at that age ( any age tbh). My eldest is a year or two older than yours and I hear endless tales of hothoused young adults with mental health issues, dropping out of prestigious universities.
And he really shouldn't go to universiry if he isn't 100% sure. The option will still be there down the line if he changes his mind.
Keep the communication open, find ways to respect him and his achievements, acknowledge the world is upturned at the moment.

They sound like children to be proud of. Comparisons get you nowhere.

I have a very bright GS who did nothing at school - no homework ever. Lots of detentions ("they are easier than bothering with the homework Grandma"). He managed to scrape enough enough GCSEs to get to FE college where he is top of his class in something that he enjoys - it just took a while to find his niche.

OP, comparison truly is the thief of joy.

I get it - I went to Cambridge despite attending a terrible state school. First person in my family to get a degree. I have professional qualifications but although I earn a decent salary (£60k, I'm in my 40s) lots of people I've worked with - including many I've trained - are more highly paid than me. Many of my peers at uni are now in very high profile roles, living in houses worth several million.

My children are complete slackers. I love them more than anything but they've never worked hard, scraped their qualifications and haven't gone to university. One of them is 22 and still has no career plan beyond being a pro footballer! (he's only Sunday league level and knows it will never happen).

But they're happy, they have loads of friends, they've always been super popular. And they're nice, kind kids too, they help others out, have never been in any real trouble (no drugs, no underage drinking, no gangs etc). The worst they do is leave a mess around the house.

I've spent my whole life not fitting in, never feeling comfortable with any of my friends - having to hide the fact I went to Cambridge at work because it didn't go down well, dumbing myself down for some groups, or having to pretend I'm better spoken/ more middle class to others. My kids have never had to do that, they're more normal than I ever was, far more content, and I'll take that over any academic success for them because I only ever wanted them to be happy.

Lots of people find their feet mid-20s. Your kids sound great, stop beating yourself up and running their achievements down. I know you don't mean to, but by wondering where you went wrong, you are completely ignoring everything they are and everything they will be in the future.

When I met dh he had achieved two very low grade a-levels and had absolutely no direction or drive. With a bit of encouragement from me, he went to University and graduated with a first. A lot of hard work and a lucky break later, and he is doing very well.

When my older sister first met my dh, she rang me afterwards to ask if I had thought about what our lives might be like financially, because he looked to all the world like he had no drive or determination. I regularly have to stop him from working so hard now, he is awesome!

@HairyBobble sorry to hear about your childhood. DC1 does seem unhappy although we are trying to get her help.
She has no zest for life, that would look better to me. We just want a realistic plan for the future, covid is not helping of course. My childhood was not great but even I was excited about the future.

OP, you say “they shouldn’t be druggies etc, not the home they were brought up in” however kids DO go down that path regardless of upbringing. It could be a friendship group, natural inner turmoil, a host of reasons. You SHOULD take pride in your kids not going down these roads, it is never just a given that they won’t.

You really need to try to focus on the good things about your kids, do you think they pick up on your disappointment in them? Also if you are getting info about others from social media, take the perfection with a pinch of salt