What have I done wrong?

[Slipperyslippers]

Argh, feel so down about the children and can't work out what what I should have done differently.
I seem to be surrounded by people with bright children: neighbours applying for Oxford, colleagues' kids finding maths too easy, family members being offered places at fancy 6th forms to study maths and so on. These kids are from all sorts of background from rich to poor, single parents to families with lots of local support.

Meanwhile, in the Slippers household, we have a DC who doesn't know what to do after college but doesn't want to go to university. A DC who wants to go to 6th form but might not get the grades and a DC with SEN who struggles with everything to do with school. None of them shine at anything, we never hear much in the way of positives from school. There have been several friendship issues for one of them. They don't cause trouble at school. None have a strong group of friends.

We have provided a safe, comfortable home we've had modest family holidays and they've been encouraged to take up hobbies. They are healthy. I can't see how we have got to this point where I am so worried about their futures, it's so frustrating. I honestly thought that providing a safe home was the most important thing in a child's development.
I'm not on social media so don't have that making me feel worse about myself. Anyone feel they are in a similar situation?

A lot of my friends were super academic but it never turned into a successful career or wealth because they consider capitalism beneath them.
The less academic ones all have bigger salaries and houses as they've been able to work in a company and accept they have a boss!
As a massive generalisation, people I know who have great lives now fall into 2 camps - those with massive inherited wealth and those who had an abysmal childhood and worked to turn it around.

This isnt the easiest time for a young adult to see a future. We don't know what the next few years will offer as far as normality and university life isnt as fun (outside of study) as it normally is.
Try and keep things low pressure, maybe a good time for your eldest to take a year out, find a job locally to keep busy and have some money and decide on a plan later

Sorry to hear about your unhappy child - that will take the shine off everything.

You're right, Covid doesn't help. I'm really sure that help + Summer will make things less intent.

As for the rest of your post ... blimey! Where do you live?

The majority of my friends and neighbours have children like yours. We all have ups and downs. We do our best to create secure, happy homes. We hit tough times.

If you really are surrounded by high-achievers, you should write about it. It would make a great comic novel: ordinary person, much like the majority of us, moves into a village filled with the extremely un-average.

What can possibly be behind such statistics-defying freakery? What's it like to live surrounded by the over-achievers?

It's OK - really OK - to be average. It's a pleasure and a privilege to be able to provide a warm, happy home.

And, yes, things do go wrong.

Amongst all my friends, very, very, very few have had a bumpless ride with their children. Very few.

Chin up - you're doing Ok.

I can tell you I am 100% one if these average type children when it comes to pretty much everything. I left uni after one semester and my parents were incredibly worried about what would happen to me. Over a decade down the line I'm in a successful job, own a house, have a baby and a fiance and I'm very happy with my life. I can understand why you're worried but as long as you continue having a loving and supportive home, your children will be fine. It's better not to compare them, they will find their way in life one way or another, they are still young. You're doing an amazing job so keep being there for them and everything will be fine. University and sixth form aren't the be all and end all.

Hi I get you!
My eldest is bright but was bored by 6th form. Didn’t do well at A level, adamant that uni was a waste of time.
Took factory work, saved up and went travelling twice. Has come home because of Covid and has now applied for uni on a course that should get him a good job. ( he’s 21 now)
Youngest found school hard but worked and has also applied for uni. I’ll be skint. Everyone is different, keep supporting them not comparing them. They will be fine

@Slipperyslippers if you have one child with SEN, you may have more than one child with SEN. In girls and women especially, these issues are often not diagnosed until much later in life.

Just something to consider.

I was your kids. Happy home loving parents. Floated through school without any real friend group or purpose. Went on a student exchange to non English speaking country at 16 because my parents thought it might give me a push. It didn't. I floated through a degree I had no interest in at Uni, then went home to my parents go on social welfare. Declined jobs using my degree. Eventually had to take a job or lose social welfare payments. It was a carers job. That is where I discovered my passion. I went back to uni to learn more and excelled. Now I manage a team with millions of euro budget, providing a vital service to a population of around 300,000 people. I love it. Its how I met my husband and had 2 beautiful kids.
Your kids will find their way. Might just be a windier road than others.

I was a bit lost after my A levels, didn’t know what I wanted to do, so didn’t know what the point of uni would be (plus I did pretty poorly in my A levels as I put in zero effort, was just a bit lost really). One of my teachers (bless them!) suggested I apply to community service volunteers. I did, and ended up spending an amazing year living in halls of residence as a full time support for a disabled student. I had a mentor there if I had any issues. It was a fantastic year, I was away from home, helping someone, making friends. The payment was minimal, but the experience was incredible. It also helped me focus on what I wanted to do with my life.

They are now called volunteering matters if you think it is something your eldest might be interested in.
volunteeringmatters.org.uk/what-we-do/full-time-volunteering/

Thanks for all your messages, they are great to read.
As to where we live, it's a very ordinary small town. No you couldn't make it up in terms of our house and the high achievers we live next to on both sides.
I really hope they find a way to have a fulfilled life and not go down the druggie route.

Oh op, I sometimes think the same although mine are still tots! I seem to be bombarded with people whose babies/toddlers/pre schoolers are early talkers, walkers, readers, writers and get glowing nursery feedback pretty much constantly. My two plod along, doing everything very much at their own pace and both have been flagged as behind at some point in their development (ds1 now caught up so hoping ds2 will be the same!). Nursery are fine about them but I never get the amazing, glowing comments I hear from friends! I think they are bloody brilliant though and happy, healthy boys which as you say is the main thing. Your comment does make me wonder if this is just how parenting is for those of us who don't have dc who excel!!

They say comparison is the thief of joy. I have two kids who are doing well and one who is average at the moment. One quit every single club for years until they found something they loved. They are doing really well now but (pre covid) trained 4 hours a day, six days a week. Most people wouldn’t want to work that hard. The other is naturally good at something but again studies every single day. I will say that I have prioritised buying them expensive use clothes- because they last years, look good and give them that feeling of being well dressed. It matters where I live, it might not where you live. Not everyone wants to work really hard. There are so many vocational courses now that will give your kids a career while they decide what they want. Remember, sometimes working gives kids the urge to go back and study harder so take the pressure out of the situation. I am sure it will resolve itself.

If it’s relevant, their father grew up in poverty and works seven days a week.

The eldest DC from the way you describe her, must give other parents secret child-envy, wishing to goodness they had as much reason to be proud of their offspring.

She needs somehow to get interests and work, (voluntary is fine) to see what she may be interested in, and it could be anything. Pocket money jobs or volunteering would be perfect. F.E. is ideal and her timing is good, because at last funders are waking up to absurdity of handing half the population worthless academic degrees, just because Tony Liar wanted it (his own son, surprise surprise, is on the bandwagon to reverse that) The fact she is a girl is good, as any sex imbalance is seen to be wrong. The funding imbalance towards 'useless' study was always weird e.g. Germany does not value someone 'doing media studies' but does value engineers, and women in S.T.E.M, and anything practical and useful.

One young woman I knew worked alongside her mum as a volunteer at a disabled children's school, did newspaper rounds, and so made herself ideal for the next part time cashier supermarket job as soon as she could do adult work, always keeping up with her free time work with the disabled children, and did other things I can't remember. She mentioned one evening shift a week as receptionist at the local vet.

I think she took an interest in horses, so she volunteered at the stables, then was a perfect fit for the next (admittedly low paid) job there, assisting disabled youngsters with riding, while she gained some part time study qualification in being a care assistant. Then as soon as there was a paid permanent post at the children's school, it was hers. She was still very young, so they were happy to support her in getting extra teaching certificates while working.

That young woman must be bullet proof, as far as employment goes, anywhere and everywhere. She can already produce a c.v. to knock any competition out of the running, for a large range of jobs. Since covid19 I lost touch with her, but I cannot imagine she won't keep on studying anything she finds interesting, for life, and getting bits of extra experience, and certificates, in what seems an effortless way, because she makes sure her life is busy and active and satisfying.

[quote Slipperyslippers]**@MumOfPsuedoAdult* and @Horsemad* thank you for your kind words. Yes I have nutured them, I think.
I do feel very alone within my small group of friends, colleagues and family.
I want them to have a happy fulfilled lives but think they might drift.[/quote]
OP, your kids sound lovely. They could always do some free online short course to see what interests them or volunteer somewhere? Middle of the road people are needed and often make the world a kinder place to live in as they aren't so fiercely competitive.

What do yo mean by "I have nurtured them"? What do you feel you did differently to your friends? Nurturing can come in different shapes, e.g. being patient or very accomodating or nurturing their interests and skills by pushing them a bit..