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Original poster

SAHM and money issues?

31 replies

Lostsheep123 · 20/01/2021 22:38

I have become a SAHM 3 months ago. I was working full-time. But working, looking after my 5 year old was taking a toll on our relationship so the OH said that as he earns enough to support us both that I should become a SAHM and he'll give me money every month for food shopping ect. So I left my job and now he isn't supporting me. I've been using my savings so far and now I'm down to pennies. To make matters worse he has been making comments all the time calling me lazy and useless, and when confronted about it he says he's just "joking". Im doing the best I can around the house, but I'm struggling especially with homeschooling on top of all of the housework. I'm 15 weeks pregnant and I'm no longer fitting in my clothes and I can't afford to get any. I have tried looking for work but I can't find anything due to being pregnant. Everytime i confront my OH about these issues he makes out that I should be grateful because I don't have to go to work and that there is lots of people in 3rd world countries with nothing. Is there any other SAHM who feels this way or went through this? I really need advice on what to do.

OP posts:
MummytoCSJH · 20/01/2021 22:42

This is financial abuse. He is making you dependent on him and letting you suffer and struggle.

formerbabe · 20/01/2021 22:45

This is so sad...yes, it's financial abuse. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Are you married?

Arrierttyclock · 20/01/2021 22:48

This is horrific and makes me really sad to read. We're TTC atm- when I do have a baby I'm not going back to work- this is joint decision, I won't be having an allowance, I will be taking it all from the joint account. He's treating you like a child this is deplorable

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Bellabelloo · 20/01/2021 22:50

How awful. This is not fair OP. Please don't put up with it. Sorry you are going through this. X

Buttercupcup · 20/01/2021 22:52

Oh OP Flowers this is financial and emotionally abusive. I hope someone can offer you some good advice x

MondeoFan · 20/01/2021 22:53

When you was working how did you divide your money up? Did he pay half the bills and you pay half etc? Did you have much in the way of money to spend etc? If you have a car does he put fuel in for you to use

peapotter · 20/01/2021 22:56

Sit down and write a financial plan. In an ideal world all money should be shared equally but that’s up to you. Just get a balance where you have household money, both have spending money and both have savings. If you’re not married then it’s really important that absolutely everything is equal, including pension contributions.

If he doesn’t agree to this, then you’ll have to accept a compromise in the short term. But in the near future he’ll have to accept you going back to work full time, and him paying his share of childcare for 2 kids.

Darklane · 20/01/2021 22:56

No, this isn’t right .
He shouldn’t be giving you money, you should have a joint account that you both have separate debit cards for so that you can use it when you go shopping or fir anything else you need.
If he’s concerned about outgoings you both need to sit down together & work out a budget allowing for necessary outgoings, monthly ones like mortgage etc, annual ones like insurance etc then what’s left over for disposable income should be for both of you. You may not have a job outside the home but you are partners in this family, equal partners, you DO work to support the family unit & your child.

SavoyCabbage · 20/01/2021 22:58

This is bloody awful!

Do you still want to be with him?

Can you get your old job back?

Is the five year old his child?

What's your housing situation?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 20/01/2021 23:16

Do you want to have this child with him?

If you leave and find employment can you afford to raise two children on your previous salary?

I am really sorry this has happened to you. He sounds like an abusive shit. I think you need to take a long hard look at your options and assess any support open to you because I don't think you will get any from him.

Original poster
Lostsheep123 · 21/01/2021 14:56

Thank you for all of your support. I tried talking about it today with the OH and he said he hasn't been happy with me for a while and its best to go our separate ways. I'm going to have to try and figure things out on my own , after reading all your comments its probably for the best. X

OP posts:
Cleverpolly3 · 21/01/2021 14:59

Are you married?
He sounds vile

RestingPandaFace · 21/01/2021 15:04

So he takes you into giving up work and now whilst you pregnant and realistically will struggle to find another job he is leaving...what a prick.

I hope that you have some real life support around you. Kick him out and don’t look back, anyone who can do this to you isn’t a partner and doesn’t deserve you. You are worth so much more.

nimbuscloud · 21/01/2021 15:18

What is your housing situation? Do you own or rent? Is he the dad of your 5 year old ?

oohmama · 21/01/2021 15:21

Omg op! That's absolutely awful
I hope you have support ..

Makingnumber2 · 21/01/2021 15:29

What a nasty bastard he is. You'll be better off without him in the long run. Sorry you're having such a horrible time at the moment- you don't deserve it Flowers

Original poster
Lostsheep123 · 21/01/2021 15:39

We aren't married and we are renting. Hes the not the father to my 5 year old but has been there since she was 1 and hes been the only father figure in her life. I'm going to have to move back in with my mother while I try to figure out what to do with my life. X

OP posts:
yvanka · 21/01/2021 15:51

He convinced you to quit your job, lied about supporting you, made you spend all your savings and then dumped you while you're pregnant? This is honestly one of the worst things I've heard on here. You poor thing.

BashfulClam · 21/01/2021 16:47

Leave him and claim cms once your baby is born. Before you go can you find out proof of earnings (p60 or payslip). He’s been such a vile arsehole and you are better off away from him.

Topseyt · 21/01/2021 17:05

Oh no, I'm sorry you are going through this. That is shitty behaviour from him. It won't improve, so it does sound as though splitting up will be for the best.

Persuading you to leave your job, then failing completely to provide the necessary support and leaving you while you are pregnant is awful. Not to mention a pandemic and lockdowns making getting another job even more impossible!!!

Poor you. Get proper legal advice (CAB perhaps) regarding child maintenance etc.

Baxer · 21/01/2021 17:07

You would be better off leaving him and claiming benefits.

user1471538283 · 21/01/2021 17:31

Oh my goodness this is horrific. He's the kind of man who gets off on this. My ex was keen for me not to return to work after having our DS. Not that he supported us. He just hated the idea of me having any kind of independence.

You will be ok. You can claim benefits and rebuild your life.

mindutopia · 21/01/2021 17:36

I'm sorry to say it but this sounds intentional to me. 3 months ago, when you would have just been newly pregnant, he convinced you to leave your job and become a SAHM (presumably, you aren't married so no real protection financially since you say OH?), meaning you gave up your rights to maternity leave. And now suddenly, he thinks you should go your separate ways after you questioned him about paying for the family expenses. You should have had a joint account that food shopping is coming out of, unless you don't live together? I think this sounds like he's done this to control you and push you as far down as possible before leaving you.

Letsskidaddle · 22/01/2021 00:33

I am so, so sorry to read what you are going through and hope you have some support in real life along with the support and help on here.

Right now it probably feels so overwhelming and impossible, but please, please believe people when they say that you CAN and you WILL get through this.

You will be missing, and almost like grieving, who you thought he was, who you hoped he was. He has shown you who he really is and, honestly, it is better to know now and start to re-build your own independent life as soon as possible. He never has been, and never will be, the man you thought he was.

As soon as you can, make a claim for Universal Credit (or tax credits and other benefits if they are in your area still). You can look on www.entitledto.co.uk to see what you might get. And also make a claim for child maintenance as soon as your baby is born.

It may also be worth seeing if you can get your name down for social housing - you are actually fleeing domestic abuse as he is being both financially and emotionally abusive.

Come back here for virtual support - many of us have been through similar and it really does get better. It's a blessing to know WHO he is now rather than years down the line, as those would have been stressful and unhappy years for you and your children. You have the opportunity of a much brighter future now without this arsehole grinding you down.

Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 22/01/2021 00:56

So he convinced you to leave your job, lied about being happy to support you, emotionally and financially abused you then dumped you when you are pregnant ensuring you’re left with nothing. Sounds like you’re well rid of him OP. Like others have mentioned make sure you follow up on CMS as soon as your baby is born as no sound a man like him will try and squirm his way out of giving you anything if he can help it.