1 year old tantrums all day. What can I do ?

[reallyexhausted]

My one year old DD is very exhausting at the moment and I'm wondering if there's anything I can do. She always wants what she can't have and cries and throws tantrums when I don't let her have stuff. So much so that I just end up letting her have stuff or play with stuff ( like my phone or the remote ). She literally whines all day unless she gets her way. She does not listen to no and just keeps doing stuff even when told no ( I think she does this as it gets her attention ). I don't tell her off at all and always try to explain why she can't do something and I try to distract her with other things. But once she has it in her head that she wants something, she just won't stop and she doesn't forget. When she gets upset I don't scold her but I tell her that I understand why she's frustrated and give her a cuddle. ( I understand that's what you're supposed to do, rather than invalidate their feelings or scold them for being upset / doing something wrong ). She always rips her bib off and chucks everything around and off her high chair etc too. I think it's all normal ? Can I do something different ?

Have you checked for ear infection? Mine were like that....

She might be bored, hungry or teething. I would try to address those potential causes of misery. Frozen teethers are very good.

[quote reallyexhausted]@00100001 she has so many toys! [/quote]
Then limit what she has access to at any given time :)

Less is more! I promise.

Maybe she’s overwhelmed with so many toys, I’d pick three or four and put them around the room for her to float about playing. Put the rest of the toys away and rotate them twice a day. It’s really normal for a one year old to moan an whine I really wouldn’t worry.

Is she walking? If so, get her out of the house twice a day walking- it can be puddle jumping, looking for red cars, watching trains go by if you are near a station or train line. If there are parks or woods nearby then that's a bonus. Wet play in the bath or sink with beakers and water toys. Boxes that she can climb in and out of.
It must be so hard not being able to go to playgroups or see friends with children to hang out with.

Three words. Pick. Your. Battles.

Would x thing upset you if she was still doing it in a years time?

Is it genuinely dangerous or is it just that it'll cause me hassle?

Can I live with her asking to do x thing every day?

For example - i let my daughter play with the remote. I ask her to wait while I make it safe for her. She will wait patiently while I remove the batteries and put them somewhere inaccessible. She plays with it for 2 minutes. I ask her if she's changing the channels or turning it up etc. She feels a sense of accomplishment. She's happy. She puts it back where it goes. I put the batteries back in.
She's almost two and now i don't have to leave it up high. She'll get it and give it to me to make safe with zero prompting every time.

Another example. I don't cover up my plug sockets or ban her from the kitchen while cooking. She's only 2 so constantly supervised anyway. I don't say no to her often, or raise my voice (not shouting) but whenever she went near the cooker, or near to the sockets, i raised my voice and said "no, we stay away from there sweetheart, it's very dangerous".
It took a few times, but she's now fine around the house.

Agree with others about the routine - so out every morning - back for lunch/nap & then an activity in the afternoon.

At that age we would go out in the afternoon too about 3pm - nothing exciting - shop, post office, park.

I used to in the afternoon get out things like play doh, painting.

It's hard with nothing open - usually I would suggest swimming or soft play. Can you afford nursery a couple of mornings to keep her busy?

Some children can't seem to play independently. DS was like that & it was exhausting!

Also agree with rotating toys - so put some away & change them over each week.

At this age, developmentally, she won’t be doing anything in a manipulative way and it’s part of her natural curiosity and the way she is learning. Annoying as it is.

I would really recommend books by Sarah Ockwell Smith which explain the science behind tantrums and it is all related to their brain development. This shouldn’t be a battle and I hope no one advises you that she is being ‘naughty’. I think there is still so much out of date information and advice being passed around. Good luck and sending solidarity.

And also, can you redirect whatever she is doing that’s annoying somehow? Like if she is throwing stuff, give her a ball to throw and roll etc and if she’s hitting or banging things, could you give her a wooden spoon and metal pot to get that frustration out or some musical instruments?

@SweetMeadow yes my mum keeps saying that she's naughty and that I was nothing like it ever. She says I need to discipline her more and tell her no more.

I follow Dr Gabor Mate's stuff on YouTube a bit and try to do what he says. Which is all about their emotions just not being matured yet and they get frustrated. He says you shouldn't scold them but try to acknowledge their upset and distract too. I also like Montessori stuff and some of their approaches to discipline. But will definitely check out the recommended books too.

My mum told me I need to explain everything to her as to why I say no and why she can't play with certain things. Like ' no you can't touch the plug socket as electricity comes out of there and it will hurt you if you touch it '. It's quite tedious but she's always telling me to do that.

Ooh no she's not naughty!

Definitely keep explaining to her. But you could simplify it a bit for now x"we don't touch that, it's hot" or "that's dangerous. You might get hurt"

As an aside, UK sockets are ridiculously safe, she is not going to get a shock from one. She won't even be able to out her finger in any of the holes. She won't have the strength to insert anything into the top hole. And she (possibly) doesn't have the dexterity to switch the socket on.
Whatever you do, please don't use a plug in socket cover, they make sockets more dangerous.

And parents VERY QUICKLY forget how hard their own kids were.

If you believed most older people,who had kids 40 yearsid believe that every child was sleeping though at 3 days, toilet trained at 5 weeks, eating perfectly with no mess and never refusing foods, always said please and thank you, behaved perfectly at any occasion...etc!

@00100001 thanks for the tip on the sockets !! I had heard that they don't really work well so I haven't bought any yet. But I've been thinking about looking into it. I won't now!

OMG yes about older people just completely forgetting about how we were as toddlers. Apparently I never cried or complained and was just perfect. Yeah right !

She always wants what she can't have and cries and throws tantrums when I don't let her have stuff. So much so that I just end up letting her have stuff or play with stuff ( like my phone or the remote ).

Do not let her have stuff you've said no to, she's learning that she whines and she will get it.

Think of her as a teenager, easier for you if you can stop this now

@CoRhona great username ! Hahah

Yes I need to just stick to my guns. It stresses me out so much to see her cry honestly. I know everyone feels the same but it makes me so sad. Her little face all scrunched up. I feel so bad !! But no I need fo just stick to my guns. It's for her own good.

You can't explain everything to a 12m old! It is exhausting and you have my sympathy. My go to book at that stage was Toddler Taming by Christopher Green. I don't know if it's still "the way to do things" but it worked for us. In essence, kids crave attention. Positive attention i.e. your undivided attention is best, but negative is almost as good. So if you aren't playing with them, they do anything to get a reaction from you.

You have to let them think they are winning, but control the parameters. So for example, rather than saying what vegetables are we having tonight, you say peas or beans? They think they are choosing, which is true, but you are limiting their choice so it's win win.

Good for you that she naps. Get your stuff done then so you can give her positive attention when she is awake. It will pass, honestly!

@Malbecfan I could not agree more about the attention thing. She keeps doing stuff to get my attention, like continuing to go to the plug socket etc because getting me to react to her and give her attention is better than not having my attention. It's tough though to be 100 percent engaged with her for the whole day. I need to build more of a routine and basically try harder I think.

You can build up her independent play slowly.
So show her this to do the toy. For example,show her how to put old store/loyalty cards into a big slot in a box (cereal or similar). And let her do it without you intervening. Let her "struggle" and persevere. Make it achievable obviously. So, you might just have her drop the cards into an open cereal box with flaps removed. And then move her onto a box with a cutout etc. She will slowly grow more independent, let her potter about with her toys/whatever she might just flit from toy to you and might not do it for more than a minute before seeking you out...but she'll be able to go for longer and longer. Especially if she knows you're around and available.

Also, consider shes heading possibly for separation anxiety. And might just want to keep you close. So, try and encourage that positive response and ignore the unwanted behaviour (if she goes near the sockets and you don't want her to) just lift her away/distract with something else. Make sure you are making an effort to spend time with her, not just when she's displaying unwanted behaviour

Sorry if this is teaching you to suck eggs!

@00100001 I had to google what ' teaching to suck eggs ' means.

Hahah

Your tips are very useful thank you. She does play independently sometimes for quite a while even sometimes.

I'm not sure about the separation anxiety. Sometimes though she just wants to be carried and shown stuff in the house.. like ' this is the fridge ' or I'll open the cupboards and show her what's inside etc. She loves that. When I then try to put her down, of course she's upset.

@00100001 when I lift her away from the socket, she'll just keep going back. I try to distract her by showing her something new or singing or just throwing myself on the floor and being silly ( she loves that ), but if she's in the right mood she'll just keep going back to the socket 20 times. If I then try to change room to distract her and play something else, she'll literally be trying to get back to the room with the socket and crying the whole time. The other night I didn't let her go nach to the plate cupboard she had opened. I had shown it to her and let her play ( very carefully) take some stuff out and put it back. When we 'finished' she just kept going back and it ruined around 2 hours of the evening as she just could not get over not being able to play there anymore. I had all sorts of toys etc and was trying to get her do focus on something else, but she just couldn't forget. Bless her.

If anyone is interested about why UK plugs are so safe

And why socket covers are dangerous

I ignore whining, especially when it's about tv (whether it is on/off, wrong programme, wtv. Tough! ). And they eventually stop. Takes a lot of patience though.

From your plate example in your last post you're sending confusing messages to her. The plates are either off limits or they're not. You can't expect a 1 year old to understand that she can sometimes play with the plates but then for the next 2 hours she isn't allowed. Set your boundaries. You have my sympathies, 1 is a difficult age when they're finding their independence but aren't able to understand/accept much instruction. You're doing a great job, hand in there

Guys ! This advice has been great ! She seems much happier now. I look at the day in activity slots now and I'm trying to do as many as possible and also I'm just generally allowing her to look and touch more things within reason. So for example I let her come to the laundry room with me and touch all the cleaning bottles ( all are with a safety lock thing ) and I watch her too. Or she wants to look inside of the washing machine, also allowed. Also I let her play in the kitchen with a drawer. She was allowed to take everything out and put it back in. I'm just trying new things to keep her busy. All within reason and safely of course. But she seems more stimulated and is complaining less !