If you work p/t and your partner works f/t how are you dividing the homeschool labour?

[hadituptohereok]

I'm a teacher, work 20 hours per week. Dh works from.

I am teaching remotely at the moment whilst also responsible for all homeschool supervision, pet care (we have v energetic gun dog) washing, tidying etc.

I used to be able to mark in the week but now have no time to do so so I work Saturday and Sunday catching up on marking, planning, tracking.

Dh logs off at 6 every weekday and spends the weekend playing fortnite. Won't do anything with the kids unless I ask him, eg bike rides or fresh air.

He seems to think this is perfectly ok. What do you think?

Sorry dh works from home remotely full time 9-5.30/6

Does he not like his kids? My DH always does stuff with DS at the weekend because he misses him in the week when he's working.

@FatCatThinCat

Does he not like his kids? My DH always does stuff with DS at the weekend because he misses him in the week when he's working.

He doesn't seem to.

He just sits on his laptop playing games all weekend oblivious to their needs.

Consequently me weekends exist of doing stuff with kids, trying to get them out to exercise, walking the dog and working. So every day of the week is the same for me.

That’s not ok OP.

I work PT, in the last lock down it fell to me to do all homeschooling while my husband worked from home locked in the office. It was hard ans didn’t work at all and I gave up homeschooling eventually. I ensured this time that it’s shared fairly - Together we look at the diary’s and work our time that works for all.
Second week in its working well so far! We’ve also outsourced to grandparents and got the kids to read or go through work on zoom - they’ve really enjoyed it!

Well homeschool or not, playing video games all weekend is not on when you have kids. They require round the clock care and that includes weekends! My dh pitches in before and after work and also over the weekend. He usually takes the oldest out for fresh air while I stay home with the baby. He does like to play video games too but he does it once the kids are in bed. I'd be royalty pissed off if he was doing it in the day and leaving me with everything.

The fact you work part time is irrelevant regarding his behaviour at the weekend. I wouldn't be putting up with it!

He has some strong autistic traits (never been assessed) and he just cannot put himself in someone else's shoes.

Then when I point things out he expects me to come up with the answers. I've just checked my phone and this was a few months ago

How old are the dc? When you work at the weekends do you shut yourself away somewhere to get on? I hope you aren't picking up what you can in amongst sorting the rest of the household out?

Oh god - what a manchild. That text.

I'd help by writing a timetable for him for Saturday and Sunday and making it clear that he is to follow it for the next 2 weekends, at which poi t you will assume he is trained and leave him to it.

Heavy handed, but no fucking way would I be letting him off the hook to opt out any longer.

Add to the top of the list "gaming hours are 9-10am and 9-10pm only"

Does he have an office he works from at home? If so, that's yours at the weekend.

Once he realises his whole weekend is affected because you can't do work during the week as he leaves the schoolwork to you, he may be more inclined to lend a hand mon-fri.

We split the homeschooling on days we're both working and on the weekend. I do it the day he is working and I am not.

What exactly is the point of your DH?!

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Does he have an office he works from at home? If so, that's yours at the weekend.

Once he realises his whole weekend is affected because you can't do work during the week as he leaves the schoolwork to you, he may be more inclined to lend a hand mon-fri.

He does but it is gross and covered in rubbish, I could not hear to work in that environment. I have a desk and computer in our bedroom but the kids come in a lot whereas they know they must absolutely never knock on his door

Ahh. I could not cope with that at all. Telling him how to not be a complete selfish arse is another job for you and maybe he should think it through for himself.

I’d tell him that and stop doing anything for him, clothes aren’t washed, food is not provided and if he complains mention well you never told me to (ok prob don’t do that, but maybe put on back burner if nothing changes as a last resort)

Was he alright pre lockdown? I mean you chose to marry him and have kids with him so he must have some good points I hope?

@Justasecondnow

Ahh. I could not cope with that at all. Telling him how to not be a complete selfish arse is another job for you and maybe he should think it through for himself.

I’d tell him that and stop doing anything for him, clothes aren’t washed, food is not provided and if he complains mention well you never told me to (ok prob don’t do that, but maybe put on back burner if nothing changes as a last resort)

Was he alright pre lockdown? I mean you chose to marry him and have kids with him so he must have some good points I hope?

Lockdown has completely escalated things.

We both believe he has ASD and I think the normal routine of being around other people at work etc kind of held him in place more socially.

Since lockdown he just goes to work and then does his own thing. That's it, there's no in between.

It's like he's forgotten how to function with consideration for other people.

Similar situation in that DH works full-time from home, and I work 21 hours from home. Have a DD (6) and DS (2).

On my days off I'm responsible for the majority of childcare, homeschooling, food prep etc; though DH will pitch in if necessary like helping prepare lunch; dealing with an upset child etc.
Two days a week both DC now go to my PIL (our childcare bubble), so both DH and I can work uninterrupted.
On the final day of the week, DS attends nursery whilst DD is home with us. We split the day, and I have responsibility for her in the morning, and DH has responsibility in the afternoon. That includes helping with homeschooling, food, drinks etc.
So far this is working ok - though DH's homeschooling efforts last week we sub-par and I told him so.

In lockdown 1, when we couldn't have a childcare bubble, DH and I split our working days, I'd care for the children till lunch; he'd care for them in the afternoon. It meant we'd get between 5-6 hours of working time each, and then could top that up in the evening after the children had gone to bed. It was exhausting, but we both pitched in equally.

DH loves computer games, but there is no way in hell he'd play them all weekend - we do stuff together as a family, chores, watch films together, got out on walks etc.

Your DH needs to step up and be a joint parent, and you need to stop enabling his behaviour.

It's exhausting it's like having another child, he answers me like the kids do when they're arguing.

The dog was ill a few weeks ago and her arse basically exploded and I had to clean it up (I found it).

Same thing happened last night, DH found it and started shouting about it. I said ok well it's your turn to clear it up "who's keeping track?" he demanded.

I said me, I am. I did it last time. Clearly he felt I should do it again rather than he do something he doesn't want to.

Today I said we'll need to hire the rug doctor to clean the carpet, straight back I get 'well YOU could do that' again, I did that last time faffing about wheeling it out of Tesco and hoiking it into the car.

It's like he cannot fathom why on earth he might have to take a turn and do something he doesn't enjoy.

Oh and this morning I found a bag of dog shit soaked toilet paper that he'd just abandoned on the floor of the kids bathroom.

Obviously if he doesn't want to finish the job he can just leave it there until I do.

I guess sit him down tell him you’re unhappy and tell him the minimum you need from him in clear terms. If he does it all good. If not sit down again and tell him you need outside intervention. Ie. couples counselling. If he won’t do that maybe get from counselling for yourself and decide what you want to do that’s best for you you and kids.

You can’t go on doing everything - but I feel the giving him a few chances to address stuff is fair esp in light of possible learning difficulties and pandemic stress.

Sounds like a just another guy who wanted kids to keep his family name going/bragging rights but doesn’t want them in reality.

Please tell me you went and told him to deal with the bag?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Please tell me you went and told him to deal with the bag?

He was working and nobody is allowed to disturb him so I didn't bother.

Ffs. Is he on calls? Is that why he cannot be disturbed? Is he saving the planet? What is so important that he gets to be so draconian with his family?

The logical thing to say "had you done the task to completion, I wouldn't need to interrupt you at your desk. So next time, finish the job completely"

By the way any anger in my tone is directed at him. Please don't think I'm getting arsey with you

Just realised when I read it back it sounded that way.

wow your husband sounds just like mine - I suspect ASD with him as well. I am in a similar position to you too, working part time for one employer but a little self-employed stuff too, and doing all the homeschooling, whereas he can't be interrupted, and has the office with the closed door. I don't have any advice but it is tough. Sometimes he will 'help out' but it's more I'll need to give him a task to do and he'll do it - he won't know what is going on with school, or dinner, or anything - I have sole responsibility for it and keeping on top of everything rather than sharing it between us. It is easy for people to stay stop enabling him because you do it so your kids won't suffer and don't want to take the risk of them missing out.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Ffs. Is he on calls? Is that why he cannot be disturbed? Is he saving the planet? What is so important that he gets to be so draconian with his family?

The logical thing to say "had you done the task to completion, I wouldn't need to interrupt you at your desk. So next time, finish the job completely"

He is on calls with camera off a lot of the day.

When I am teaching there is a big sign on the door and the kids no not to knock as I am incommunicado but there is no such mechanism on his door and he effectively snarls at people if they try to come in and ask him something when he is on a call so the kids are completely abandoned when I'm busy then I have to go back and make sure youngest competed all their work, made corrections etc.