Things on MN that aren’t real life (LIGHTHEARTED)

[Summersun2020]

Thing on Mumsnet that you’ve only ever encountered on Mumsnet (lighthearted...please don’t bowl in with “well I do that actually”...ignore or add one of your own!!

People not using fabric softener...appears that on MN people in their droves think it stinks and is devil juice (I don’t know anyone IRL who is so vehemently against it/gets a migraine from the smell?? Surely it’s not that strong?).

any sort of noise in your garden at any time-kids on a trampoline, playing a radio at a normal level, etc. Completely normal everywhere I’ve ever lived- a cardinal sin on MN!

Cocklodgers. I know plenty of lazy men who don't fully pull their weight, but they do all try ... so have never come across a true cocklodger irl.

But likewise, I've never met the perfect MN husband irl either. You know the one who earns well, pulls his weight around the home, helps out with the children, never swears or shouts...

Most are varying degrees of being a slightly lazy man child who does as little as he can get away with, but is ultimately Trying his best for his family. Or is that just me?

All I can say is that you'll have to pry my fabric softener from my cold, dead hands because I will never replace it with vinegar and baking soda.

School gate dramas - either it's full on fighting in the school playground or it's the high and mighty never ever ever would I speak to another mum just because they happen to have a kid in the same school

In real life you small talk with other parents and that's it doesn't have to be complicated!

You have to be a billionaire to live in London - In real life yes there are shit loads of rich people here but also lots of normal families like us with average salaries, average house and average life

Obsession with schools and highly gifted children, you could never ever send your kid to the local comp but tie yourself in knots so that the precious kid can travel up to 3 hours a day to the best school

More on highly gifted children who do highly complex chores at home around 3 yo, their own washing, baking cakes and read complex books - of course same with sports/music. Never was there a MN kid who just did normal sports or music for their entertainment, they compete on county level and are on level 20 violin prodigies

Very rural, very leafy areas.

Any less than perfect scenario...mumsnetters suggest it's time to divorce.
Husband has left his cup on the side...divorce.
Husband insulted you after you were rude to him...divorce.
Husband burnt the evening meal... divorce!

Hating carbs and you are clearly a terrible parent if your kids eat bread.

Competitive misery/ hardship is a big one. Whatever issue you have someone else has if much worse and you should count yourself lucky you aren’t living on the streets eating mud!

For a website which is suppose to be supportive the mean, petty judgments are shocking. If you don’t parent/ pet own/ have a relationship like mine you are doing it all wrong!

The COVID hysterics are something to behold, begging to be locked up and curtain twitching at neighbours who dare leave the house or take up the school place they have been offered!

Everyone seems to be rural and on massive salaries.

The competitive under-eating.

All the kids are SEN and most parents seem to have anxiety/ depression/ OCD.

The LTB go to advice for relationships- there is no nuance at all, if you are upset someone must pay.

Just leave the father of your children or cut off contact with family members for buying your kids “ plastic tat”.

I can’t understand the mentality of keeping a new born baby to yourself for bonding and preventing family visits for weeks on end- I’m sure this isn’t normal.

@Triphazards are you saying you don't believe rural or leafy areas exist

Only on MN are you accused of "under-eating" if you don't stuff yourself on a regular basis.

In real life, you can meet with friends for diner, have a reasonable portion, and absolutely no one passes out in sheer horror because you didn't insist on eating an entire pizza + sides or any amount of food fit for a 6ft 8 strongman but less so for a smaller woman

Only on MN must you bang on Christmas for 6 months but hate the actual day because of the pressure, the amount of work and the amount of food you made yourself sick with.

In real life, most people are having a fun and enjoyable family day!

You're Satan incarnate for even so much as thinking about rehoming the dog thats aggressive, pisses indoors and ruins your home/life because its clearly all your fault for being such a shit owner, even though you've owned 10 dogs previously with nary a problem...and you must never ever contemplate owning any kind of pet ever again.

I'm seeing a lot of posters slating the competitive over and under eating. It can't really be both...

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

I'm seeing a lot of posters slating the competitive over and under eating. It can't really be both...

Oh it can - you get the posters that think a banana is basically crack because of the sugar content, and eat a cracker and a lettuce leaf a day.

And then you get the posters with ‘strapping teenage rugby players’ who eat 15 bacon sandwiches for breakfast, a whole roast cow for lunch, 15 snacks a day and are still a perfect weight.

MN is insane when it comes to food.

MN is insane when it comes to food.

Sometimes absolutely.

Every room in the Mumsnet house has hand crafted floor to ceiling bookshelves groaning under the weight of precious book collections.

Heating the Mumsnet house above 15 degrees is decadent and you just need wear a hat and wrap yourself in a blanket you weakling.

Well, that's the result of a culture that places so much value on a woman's weight and how much it defines her.

@enchantedspleen

Competitive cleaning! If you don't mop your floors, clean the windows, dust every surface and spit shine your toilet seat three times a day your house is "fucking grim OP" I always thought my home was clean, tidy if imperfect and normal, but no, it's clearly a hovel and we are trash goblins!

I never like to write about cleaning as I cannot match that! Do you think they really clean that much, or are they embellishing it in case someone thinks it isn't enough?

People are kinder in real life, some of the comments on here are awful. It does have some friendly corners. I think the mean comments unfortunately stand out, even if most are nice.

The "never helping your kids once they hit 18" is something I've never seen irl.

I'm wondering if the "don't be a SAHM or you will end up screwed" is more prominent on here as they are more likely to be high earners and are losing out more than average earners if they take time out from working and can't get back to previous position or miss out on promotions? I haven't seen it expressed so strongly irl and most mums I have known who stop working for a while only stay at home in the early years, not when the kids are all at school.

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

I am not sure that shops like Next having to add a "plus waist" option to their school range is so funny

The posters on MN aren’t talking about “plus size” children’s clothes though. They are outraged because a seven year old wears school trousers in the standard age seven band.

MN is insane
No need for the rest of the sentence

at 15 stone I'm a size 14 so not that weird. I am 5ft 10 though

Really. I'm 5ft 10, and I'm usually about 12st, and I'm a size 14.
Just shows how different body shapes can be.

@Winterlight

Every room in the Mumsnet house has hand crafted floor to ceiling bookshelves groaning under the weight of precious book collections.

Heating the Mumsnet house above 15 degrees is decadent and you just need wear a hat and wrap yourself in a blanket you weakling.

The Mumsnet house never has less than two bathrooms.

FEWER bathrooms, tsk.

You can never ever have an animal pts.

OP: my cat/dog is 17 years old, almost completely blind and deaf, has lost all control of his bowels, has arthritis all over his body and 3 different types of cancer. He's hardly ate for the last 3 weeks. I really feel like I should have him pts.

MN: how cruel can you be OP, that's disgusting. There are medications you can get you know. Your insurance will cover the costs. You don't take on a pet to just give up on them at the first sign of trouble.

🙄

No MNer ever raises their voice at their kids. They never tell them to go and play and give them 5 minutes peace they are children and need to be constantly humpiured and entertained apparently.
They also never lose their temper or shout at their partners. Only the men do that, the OP is always speaking in a calm quiet voice...... if you say so.

Never ever think you are entitled to a P&C space over the 19 year old guy whizzing around the car park with his girlfriend in their wee corsa. They obviously have hidden disabilities.

The ‘supper’ thing. The only people I know who call it that are over 60, yet nearly every post about dinner on here calls it ‘supper’. Makes me cringe. Is it because those MNers think it makes them sound more middle class?

Humoured, not humpiured!

No @CroutonsAvatar, it's because it is what it is called in middle class households

Only on Mumsnet are there people who don't believe that high earners, leafy areas, rural areas and people using the word 'supper' exist.