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Original poster

Twin died in November ,today is our birthday and no one seems to realise it's not a happy day .

29 replies

peridito · 19/01/2021 08:41

Just that ,wanted to say it somewhere .

People are kind and want to wish me happy birthday ,I don't want to bring them down but I'm a bit surprised that they don't take into account that it's a day with specific resonances for me .

Suggestions for how to tactfully explain that I'm not in celebratory mode would be great .

OP posts:
Labobo · 19/01/2021 08:46

Can you have a generic reply ready: Thank you for your lovely messages. It's a day of mixed emotions for me as I am missing X so much. First birthday celebrated without X so forgive me if I'm a bit subdued.

And/or if this is the sort of thing you'd do in your family friendship group:
Please light a candle/say a prayer in loving memory of X today.

Labobo · 19/01/2021 08:47

And sorry I meant to add - I am so so sorry that your twin has died. That must be a very particular kind of grief that so many people can't get. Do whatever you need to do today. Don't be pressured into false smiles and endless long Zoom calls. Flowers

Mumdiva99 · 19/01/2021 08:49

So sorry to hear of your loss. Just tell those that love you that it will be a tough day today. Any one with an ounce of sensitivity will understand. (People that met you later in life independently of your twin might just think it was a sibling and not make the connection.)

wlv12 · 19/01/2021 08:50

No suggestions but much love to you today, there’s an assumption with grief that it goes after the funeral but it’s so recent and ‘firsts’ are so hard and it’s bound to be even more poignant for you with the loss of your twin. I hope the day is as gentle with you as it can be Flowers

Chasingsquirrels · 19/01/2021 08:52

I'm so sorry about your twin.

I was born on the same day as my grandma, who died just before my 16th birthday, and I found my birthday hard enough for years after - the loss of your twin must be so much more.

Labobo generic message sounds like a good idea. Or just tell them bluntly!

alienbeings · 19/01/2021 08:53

Thanks it must be so hard. It's not the same but a relative of mine died on my birthday, people don't understand when I say I don't celebrate the day.

I hope your day goes as well as can be expected.

Whoateallthestuffingballs · 19/01/2021 08:54

So sorry for your loss. It must be such a difficult day for you.

A lot of people don't understand the grief of losing someone so close, if it hasn't happened to them. Hopefully they mean well.

picklemewalnuts · 19/01/2021 08:57

I'm sorry, that's a particularly hard loss to manage- I hope the day comes that you can celebrate your birthday as well as remembering your twin.

It's not always easy to know how to approach it- and clearly people got it wrong. I struggled with writing a Christmas card for someone whose husband had died two months before. Every single card had a 'happy Christmas' message of some sort, which wasn't right on this occasion.

Do you use social media at all? That can be a good way to give people a cue- "missing my sister more than ever, on our birthday".

mommybunny · 19/01/2021 08:57

The generic reply suggestion is spot on, it acknowledges the kind wishes but gives you the space to not be celebrating.

I’m really sorry for your loss. I hope you can use the day to recall happy memories with your twin, whether within or outside birthdays. And I wish for you that with each passing birthday the pain gets less and less till there is little but those happy memories left.

middleager · 19/01/2021 08:58

As a parent of twins, I can't even begin to imagine how painful this is for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Only a twin could understand this type of grief.

Some people don't think, while others may not know how to react and are still sending birthday wishes as 'normal' which is adding to your pain and loss.

I like the suggestion upthread of having a response ready.

What a hard day for you to get through. Flowers

thelegohooverer · 19/01/2021 09:00

I think people can be clumsy because we don’t have a well developed discourse for grief.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Original poster
peridito · 19/01/2021 09:04

Oh thank you all ,Labob that's very helpful .Goodness knows why I didn't think of something like that myself ."Mixed emotions" explains it kindly I think ,no drama ,which I hate .

I've only just thought that there must be so many people who have lost loved ones on or near significant anniversaries/Christmas etc and who face this . Mine is more obvious I guess .

Flowers to those in similar boats .

OP posts:
MindyStClaire · 19/01/2021 09:12

I'm so sorry OP. I grew up very close to my cousin who was the same age, our grandparents called us the twins even though we had twin cousins. She died in our early twenties a few days after my birthday and it took me a long time to get back on track. I can't even imagine how you cope with losing an actual twin. My sincerest sympathies to you.

The first year I explicitly told a few close friends and then DP that I found it difficult because of the timing, they were all very sensitive after that.

I think when people haven't lost someone close to them, they truly don't get it and think mentioning your bereavement will somehow remind you and make you sad. Whereas of course, you're thinking of nothing else and it's thoughtful when people acknowledge it.

Flowers
Dowser · 19/01/2021 09:19

I’m so sorry for your loss.
November is no time at all to have worked through the grieving process.
It will all still be very raw.
I’m sure it will be a very mixed emotions kind of day.
It might help to say if you would’ve normally celebrated the day together, what you would’ve normally done.
Maybe it might help to keep a journal for your birthdays and other significant days

wildraisins · 19/01/2021 09:20

Today will be a difficult day for you and I don't think there is anything wrong with letting people know that. It doesn't have to be drama but just explaining why you might not be all happy and bouncy because it's your birthday. Do what you need to do and don't feel pressured to be sociable.

Perhaps there's something nice you could do to remember your sibling... is there a movie or tv show you both liked, something you ate/ drank together, or a place you would go?

You will get through it and tomorrow will be another day.

champagnecandle · 19/01/2021 09:25

I am so very sorry for your loss.

You have spent your whole life sharing your birthday with somebody you love. Of course this first birthday is going to be so strange for you, you've never done this before.

When I went through similar a friend of mine, also bereaved, told me that if she could go back in time to early childhood and was given the choice to have the person she'd lost with exactly the life they'd had or they could choose another person with a much much longer life to have instead. She'd choose the person she lost, even with the knowledge that much of her life would be without them. And that is something to be grateful for.

I hope, in time, this day becomes one that grants you happy memories of what you had together.

MindyStClaire · 19/01/2021 09:29

When I went through similar a friend of mine, also bereaved, told me that if she could go back in time to early childhood and was given the choice to have the person she'd lost with exactly the life they'd had or they could choose another person with a much much longer life to have instead. She'd choose the person she lost, even with the knowledge that much of her life would be without them. And that is something to be grateful for.

This is exactly how I feel about the loss of my cousin. My dad died last week and I'm hoping in time my mum will come to feel that way too.

babbaloushka · 19/01/2021 09:34

Can't even imagine OP, the "mixed emotions" message seems like a greatly to articulate it. I hope you can have an ok time.

babbaloushka · 19/01/2021 09:36

Also, a very different situation I appreciate, but on my late mum's birthdays imagined what we would have done if she was here, and celebrated it her way, with a film and a takeaway. I dont know if that helps, it was emotional but also felt like we were honouring her perfectly.

Flippyferloppy · 19/01/2021 09:44

I'm so sorry. Firsts are always really difficult. I'm not a twin, but I do have close friends who are twins and I can't imagine how you must be feeling.
I'm guessing people don't want to ignore the fact that it's your birthday, but at the same time they are probably reluctant to raise the matter of your loss.
Mixed emotions is one way of putting it, or you could also say how tough you are finding it given how much you miss your twin.
Sending you much love

LindaEllen · 19/01/2021 09:52

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think the problem with grief is that we're not very good at dealing with it - not even our own, but particularly not other people's.

We're good at making all the right noises at the start; 'Sorry for your loss!' 'If there's anything I can do..' etc. But then once that stage is over we're at a loss.

And, dare I say it, I think a lot of people go onto auto pilot when they're wishing happy birthday, particularly on social media. I admit that in the past I've wished people a happy birthday without stopping to think about whether it's exactly the right thing to put. A friend of mine lost her 17yo son 6 years ago, and I always make a lot of effort to get the tone of her greetings cards right - although she has said not to worry about it (we talk a lot and I asked her how she preferred people to approach it).

I think the best thing to do is just say a simple 'Thank you' to any social media messages, and then chat to your close friends and family about how you're struggling. There will be people who miss your twin, too, and while their loss may not be quite as profound, you can at least take some comfort in sharing memories and help each other through the day.

I won't wish you a happy birthday - instead a peaceful one.

Much love x

MegaClutterSlut · 19/01/2021 09:56

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers my mum lost her twin when they were 38. She really did lose the other half of her that day. Birthdays wasn't easy for her but in time they became bearable

I agree a generic reply would be best way forward. Take care of yourself op Flowers

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 19/01/2021 09:59

Oh god love you OP, it must be so hard for you. The generic message is perfect. If it helps, it probably isn't that your friends have forgotten, more that they're trying to be as 'normal' as possible for you. People are so weird with grief... sending that message will give them the right cues. I'm so sorry about your twin Thanks

Greenknees · 19/01/2021 10:09

Oh I’m so sorry. Thinking about it, if I was your friend I wouldn’t have a clue what to do or say to you on a day like this- although I don’t think just a Generic happy birthday would be appropriate.

Lucieintheskye · 19/01/2021 10:18

So sorry for your loss, OP.

Could you reply to messages/put in any group chats something along the lines of 'Thank you all for your messages, it was so lovely to hear from you today. I knew the first birthday without X would be difficult but your messages were appreciated.' ? That way you make it clear the messages were nice but remind them that your day wasn't going to be a happy birthday. They were definitely a little tactless so yanbu if you want to say something a little more forward about how difficult it's been for it to not be acknowledged.

Hope you're okay OP, the birthdays do get easier and hopefully in time you can use them as a celebration of your twin's life too. Flowers