Twin died in November ,today is our birthday and no one seems to realise it's not a happy day .

[peridito]

Just that ,wanted to say it somewhere .

People are kind and want to wish me happy birthday ,I don't want to bring them down but I'm a bit surprised that they don't take into account that it's a day with specific resonances for me .

Suggestions for how to tactfully explain that I'm not in celebratory mode would be great .

I know it isn't exactly the same but my late dp died on ds 11th birthday, it is now a bittersweet day every year, I try to be happy for ds but in the back of my mind I'm heartbroken for dp even 6 years on. I wait until ds has gone to school, then light a candle for dp & try & get all the sadness done while he is at school. Your twin wouldn't want you to be unhappy, try to make some sort of plan before the day, arrange to take some flowers to their resting place early in the day & then for the rest of the day think about happy memories of the years you shared together. The day will not be as bad as you think it will.

And, dare I say it, I think a lot of people go onto auto pilot when they're wishing happy birthday, particularly on social media. I admit that in the past I've wished people a happy birthday without stopping to think about whether it's exactly the right thing to put

Yes. Especially on something like Facebook where it tells you it's X's birthday today. I always check their profile to make sure that they haven't posted about anything horrible happening in the last few weeks, before I type a breezy happy birthday but of course they might not mention it on social media. That's for people I know less well.

If I knew someone had suffered a loss recently I'd either not bother posting or might just say "hope you have the best day you can in the circumstances" or something like that.

Condolences on the loss of your twin

So sorry, completely understand your emotions. Remember though that not everyone knew you both I expect, and not everyone would make the connection automatically that it was their birthday too, might sound silly to you but not everyone will automatically think of your identity being twin, so they are just remembering it's your birthday. It's really tough, there's some good suggestions here, if you use Facebook putting a message up is a good idea just saying how it's not a happy day. Take carex

@peridito you are right, it's tough when people die on specific dates for instance but over time you can "reclaim" the day in my experience eg my friends dad died on Christmas Day so they have a tradition of visiting his grave (in the village where her mum still lives) before attending the church service, the deal is once the flowers are laid, Christmas begins and no more sadness. After church they toast him with Buck's Fizz and then it's stockings etc - everyone is different, there's no right or wrong feelings, so communicate with friends and family so they can support you