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Original poster

Abusive step son

48 replies

Fee84 · 15/01/2021 11:03

Hi, I'm hoping for some advice. My step son is 9 years old, he lives with myself and my partner (his Father) he came to our care full time when he was 2 years old due to mother's drug misuse. We do have a social worker due to ongoing issues with his mother, but social worker never comes when she is ment to for visits, so isn't really much of a support. On a daily basis it is a struggle for him to listen to me, we have tried lots of different strategies but nothing lasts more than a day or two. On a daily basis he screams swears and hits me, ive been left covered in bruises. I'm honestly at my wits end, I feel completely broken. I'm at the stage where I feel the only way out is to walk away from my relationship, I love my partner deeply but just can't see another way out from my step sons abuse. I feel lost in myself, I don't feel like the person I once used to be.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 15/01/2021 11:29

He's 9. He's not 'abusive'.

He sounds deeply unhappy and in need of assessment and counselling.

Is he like this at school? What is his Father doing to get him help?

Original poster
Fee84 · 15/01/2021 11:40

Over the years he has had councilling, lots of emotional work and help. He is the same in school, the school is fantastic at helping. His father works long hours and does alot of one to one with him taking him out and spending as much time as possible with him. My step sons mum is constantly in and out of his life, which really doesn't help. I'm at a complete loss I love him like he is one of my own, I just feel so down with it all and at a loss of what to do next. I know he is only 9 and been through a lot for being so young, at times he is like a totally different boy and he can be so caring and have a heart of gold. But the hitting keeps getting worse.

OP posts:
HunkyPunk · 15/01/2021 11:43

I'm sorry, op. He's not abusive. He's lashing out. He's angry, frightened, lost, and taking it out on you, as one of the only consistent and stable people in his life. What is his relationship with his dad like?

VettiyaIruken · 15/01/2021 11:44

It's shameful you aren't getting the support you need to help this poor, damaged little boy. He is being failed and so are you!
Did his mum take drugs while pregnant? Have drs ruled out damage due to that?

Have you looked for charities and support groups that specialise in this? They will be able to point you in the best direction.

FortunesFave · 15/01/2021 11:45

Has he been assessed for ASD or ADHD?

Original poster
Fee84 · 15/01/2021 11:49

His relationship with his Dad is good, he can shout and swear at his Dad but he doesn't hit him. His Dad works alot but does at lot with him when home, we always sit with him once he is calm and talk things over. We are very consistent with him and let him know that hitting is never ok. He is always very apologetic and promises he won't hit again. But even if I ask him to pick up his toys I will get a slap or a punch, just don't know what else to do.

OP posts:
user184628462 · 15/01/2021 11:51

He's not abusive, he is quite obviously deeply traumatised due to neglect in his formative years and throughout his life.

JudyGemstone · 15/01/2021 11:52

Read Sarah Nash's books on therapeutic parenting, especially the A-Z one.

Also, make sure his dad is taking the lead on this, he really needs to step up here

user184628462 · 15/01/2021 11:52

he came to our care full time when he was 2 years old due to mother's drug misuse

My step sons mum is constantly in and out of his life

It is obvious developmental trauma.

Original poster
Fee84 · 15/01/2021 11:53

We have had him assessed 4 times and nothing flags up. Mum did take drugs while pregnant.
Social work had said he needed help with detecting his own emotions which they were ment to do, only a few pieces of work was completed. So I got myself online did a geap of research and did this myself, and we still continue to work on it together.

OP posts:
IDontMindMarmite · 15/01/2021 12:19

I really feel for you OP this sounds awful and it's so unacceptable that you're getting injured.

Original poster
Fee84 · 15/01/2021 12:26

All I ever hear from social work is "keep doing what your doing, he will come out the other end" but whats the other end! I feel so much guilt as I also care for my 2 step daughters and have my own 3 children, I feel guilt that the rest of the children barely get any of my time as I always seem to be "calming a situation down"

OP posts:
Santaiscovidfree · 15/01/2021 12:30

Sounds like you are being pushed to the limit to see if like his dm you will leave him. Personally I would be leaving strong messages for ss spelling out if they don't step in and help you will have no choice BUT to leave. His needs for a safe living environment don't outweigh yours. Your dc should not be having this sort of atmosphere...

IDontMindMarmite · 15/01/2021 12:44

You look after 6 children?

Original poster
Fee84 · 15/01/2021 12:54

@IDontMindMarmite

You look after 6 children?
Yes 3 step children and 3 of my own
OP posts:
Original poster
Fee84 · 15/01/2021 12:56

@JudyGemstone

Read Sarah Nash's books on therapeutic parenting, especially the A-Z one.

Also, make sure his dad is taking the lead on this, he really needs to step up here

Thank you! I will have a look for this one.
OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 15/01/2021 13:38

I know you are of course heavily invested but honestly? I wouldn't put up with this. Your DP works a lot so you are doing the primary care for three SC, one of which has these issues? So much so your own three kids barely get any of your time, and you are miserable? I would walk away, there are far better ways to live.

BlankTimes · 15/01/2021 13:40

Dr Ross Greene's book 'The Explosive Child' may help, also see his website 'Lives in the Balance.
www.livesinthebalance.org/parents-families

Taikoo · 15/01/2021 13:43

Walk away.
I know I would.

Blacktothepink · 15/01/2021 13:48

Leave and concentrate on your 3 children, this will be impacting their lives.

LowestEbb · 15/01/2021 13:52

You poor thing. I'm a stepparent too and it can be hard at the best of times. Flowers
Have you spoken to DH about how close you are to leaving? Maybe that will make him step up.

In case no one has ever said it to you....Your DSS is lucky to have you x

HollowTalk · 15/01/2021 14:00

How is he with the other children? How do your own children feel about living with him? Do you think it would be better if his mum didn't have contact?

Lampzade · 15/01/2021 14:04

I don’t know how you do it Op
Six kids , three of them are not yours and one of them has issues.
Your dh is a very lucky man, that is all I am going to say.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/01/2021 14:06

What’s he like with your children? Are yours younger? Is he the father of your 3?

You’re obviously trying your best to be and do everything for everyone and it’s okay to decide you’ve had enough. You’re only human and it’s a valid choice to put your time and energy and resources into your own. You might love him like you’re own but he’s not your own and you’re not obliged to put up with this when it means your children are missing out on the childhood you could offer them without also caring for 3 other children.

VettiyaIruken · 15/01/2021 14:52

Is it possible for you and your husband to swap roles? You go out to work and he is a sahd?

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