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Original poster

Abusive step son

48 replies

Fee84 · 15/01/2021 11:03

Hi, I'm hoping for some advice. My step son is 9 years old, he lives with myself and my partner (his Father) he came to our care full time when he was 2 years old due to mother's drug misuse. We do have a social worker due to ongoing issues with his mother, but social worker never comes when she is ment to for visits, so isn't really much of a support. On a daily basis it is a struggle for him to listen to me, we have tried lots of different strategies but nothing lasts more than a day or two. On a daily basis he screams swears and hits me, ive been left covered in bruises. I'm honestly at my wits end, I feel completely broken. I'm at the stage where I feel the only way out is to walk away from my relationship, I love my partner deeply but just can't see another way out from my step sons abuse. I feel lost in myself, I don't feel like the person I once used to be.

OP posts:

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 15/01/2021 14:54

Oh ffs @FortunesFave 🙄

lunar1 · 15/01/2021 15:06

How does he behave with your children? It's really not ok that you are being left to deal with the brunt of this mess. It sounds like working a lot gets your husband out of his responsibilities.

WhatsMissed · 15/01/2021 15:13

OP I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know from experience it’s a tough situation to be in. My solution was, I’m afraid to stop taking care of my DSS. It got to the point where I didn’t feel I could keep my own son safe and so I now don’t put either of us in a situation where we could get injured. This has made things more difficult logistically for my DH. But I didn’t feel I could continue.

combatbarbie · 15/01/2021 15:24

From what you've said it sounds as if he's lashing out at you instead of his mum, you are there, she is not.

What's he like with the other children in the house?

Tt101 · 15/01/2021 15:33

Imagine the damage he would do at 15. Would he be getting away with it if he was hitting his dad as he does you? I don't think so. 9 is old enough to know better. He knows what he is doing and enjoy the attention he gets. Poor damaged boy excuse is not good enough. Leave.

MzHz · 15/01/2021 15:59

@Taikoo

Walk away. I know I would.

Me too. At warp speed

user1471565182 · 15/01/2021 16:00

This is what I see (not all obviously) social services do so much, through all age groups. Once they see they have somebody who they think will do most of their job for them, off they fuck into the sunset.

BumbleBiscuit · 15/01/2021 16:11

If you don’t have kids with your partner then walk. I wouldn’t put up with it.

LizFlowers · 15/01/2021 16:23

It's all very well saying the child is not abusive but how many of us would put up with a child hitting us regularly? I am pretty sure I wouldn't be able to cope with that, nor the shouting or swearing at me, especially if I was doing my best.

I recognise this boy needs help but he must learn than swearing, shouting and physical violence is just not right, whatever his problems.

The op has other children to consider and I wonder what they make of it.
Her husband needs to step up and support her too.

I feel sorry for all of them.

AliceinBunniland · 15/01/2021 16:29

-It's all very well saying the child is not abusive but how many of us would put up with a child hitting us regularly? I am pretty sure I wouldn't be able to cope with that, nor the shouting or swearing at me, especially if I was doing my best.

OP it sounds like you do a lot.

I don't know much about social services but can this be flagged up with them as you are not getting the support you need.

Also his father needs to step up.

Why do you think he hits you and not his dad? Does dad react differently? I knew a child (from a stable home) who hit a family member but it was only ever the mother as she let him get away with it. Would mostly laugh or say stop but it was never treated as serious as it was. It stopped by the time he was early into double figures. The point is he didn't do it to dad or older siblings as they were more strict with him.

I'm not saying you should be doing more but I'm wondering what else could be a factor. Do you act as the child's mother and not feel like you can't discipline him because you see not his bio mother? It sounds like you are Mum to six kids whether SC it not!

user1471538283 · 15/01/2021 16:37

I would walk away. You have 3 of your own that need your attention.

BluebellsGreenbells · 15/01/2021 16:39

I think you need to seriously think about what you need and what your children need.

You said your husband does lots of one to one, but what about the others?

If he has no special needs then what you are doing isn’t working and his dad needs to step up.

OHolyTights · 15/01/2021 16:48

Have a look at Attachment Disorder - see if it rings any bells with you.

Princessbanana · 15/01/2021 17:01

Op, you deserve a medal! There is no way I would put up with that and would have been gone a long time ago!💕

thelegohooverer · 15/01/2021 18:05

I’m not being goady but what are the consequences for him hitting?
Full attention from two adults talking about why he shouldn’t do it again is more likely to function as positive reinforcement.

If there isn’t an underlying condition (and even if there is) I’d suggest seeking out a licences behavioural analyst with bcba certification. Can you afford to pay for help privately?

Bumblebee1980a · 15/01/2021 19:02

Research emotional regulation.

He is having trouble regulating his emotions whether it's anger, sadness, frustration etc.

His behaviour is his communication.

There is stuff on Twinkl regarding emotional regulation that you can implement but research it first.

It even has some posters rules you can put on the wall that say: No hitting, no shouting, no throwing etc.

*When he hits you say "I understand your are angry and it's ok to be angry but please don't hit me; I'm going to move away now". You're validating his emotion whilst holding the boundary.

If he follows you and continues to hit you continue to repeat, and if you have to gently restrain him (if he ups his game*). Wait until he calms down and then discuss and give him a hug.

Sending hugs. It's the hardest job in the world what you're doing

Bumblebee1980a · 15/01/2021 20:02

I would also like to say I don't like the title "abusive step son". If anything it should say "abusive mum" as she was the one who left him at 2 years old and then continued to be in and out of his life. Children need love, support and consistency,

To be a strong mentally healthy person you need to have had a primary care giver that you can depend on and someone who loves you unconditionally but he didn't have that did he.

My advice is to stand by him but with this you need support to.

IDontMindMarmite · 15/01/2021 20:46

Seems he can regulate them better for everyone else including dad.

Bumblebee1980a · 15/01/2021 20:53

@IDontMindMarmite

Seems he can regulate them better for everyone else including dad.

You don't really know this for certain.

Besides children usually hit out at the person they feel the safest with or spend the most time with.

Hels20 · 15/01/2021 21:06

I would actually post in adoption. You may get more suggestions there. You can walk away but that will be yet another rejection he has to deal with. But sometimes you need to do that for self preservation.

Please get help. If his BM took drugs she most likely also abused drink during pregnancy. Might he also have FASD?

My (adopted) son has been very abusive to me (less to my DH). He doesn’t trust women - he has already had 2 mothers that have walked out on him. After lots and lots of therapy, and lots of tears from me and after wondering how I was going to cope - things have started turning a corner. It did take me almost having a breakdown and my DH realising how close to the edge I was - he stepped up the support.

Have you tried CAHMS? If you can afford private therapy I would (DDP or theraplay is good) - it’s much easier to get a 9 year old to a therapist than a teen.

If you have to walk away - do - but if you can find it in yourself to make him realise that you are not walking out on your stepson then that will help him.

I feel for you - I have walked in your shoes. Be kind to yourself and make SS and his school realise you can’t go on.

Bumblebee1980a · 15/01/2021 21:13

Love @Hels20 advice 🙏

Original poster

Fee84 · 16/01/2021 21:15

I would just like to thank each and everyone for all your comments. I sat down last night and spoke with my husband and told him exactly how I feel, it was a very hard conversation. But after alot of tears, I'm not going to walk out. Deep down I know this will only make the situation worse for my step son. My husband is cutting down his hours to be around alot more to help with all the children.
We are also going to try to speak with my step sons social worker, as we can't carry on like this with very little support.

Thank you all so much, I've never commented on this before. But I think doing so has help hugely ❤

OP posts:

Hels20 · 16/01/2021 21:59

What a positive update. How hard for you all. Your stepson’s behaviour screams attachment disorder to me. I almost deliberately crashed my car into a wall when things were so bad and I had to deal with constant dramas at school whilst my husband didn’t see any of this stress.

We have had 3 years of hell. Things are now getting better (6 months into a recommended 3 year therapy course). And tonight, for the first time ever, my son sat next to me and cuddled up to me whilst we watched the Masked Singer.

I tell him lots that I love him and that it is my role to look after him and keep him safe. I tell him he doesn’t have to love me but I love him and have to keep him safe. I am always telling him I love him - even when I haven’t felt it (adopters often have to fake it until they make it).

I really feel for you. But I haven’t been hit in six months (2 years ago I would be hit and kicked on an almost daily basis). It has been a long road and I see shoots of love from him. I have so often wanted to give up but I have kept going.

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