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Original poster

Wedding related, who pays?

36 replies

Luckystar1 · 15/01/2021 10:39

My Dsis is due to be married this summer, overseas. We have 3 children, 2 of whom have been asked to be ‘involved’ in the wedding (youngest is a baby so not being left out!).

The destination will be very, very hot, late 30 Celsius, and I had bought some linen outfits for them to wear to try and keep cool. We are all very fair skinned. (This was prior to them being asked to be involved).

Their roles are a sort of flower girl and another little boy role that is traditional where the wedding will be, but not a page boy (from what I understand).

Anyway, I’m now being sent photos of outfits that they would like them to wear. But the dresses look like cheap lace that would be horribly sweaty.

These have been sent as ‘ideas’ but nothing concrete, and there’s a definite undertone of ‘buy this’.

I’m a bit surprised as I understood it that any outfits that were required by the bride and groom would be bought by them? Or am I wrong?

The wedding/flights/accommodation/car hire is likely to cost well into the thousands for us to go.

I know I’m probably being silly, but I just want the children to be comfortable and not have to pay for additional outfits they will never wear again.

Dsis isn’t really the type you can have this conversation with, and my parents, who were very critical of my own wedding, seem to see no issue, and assume we can and will just afford it.

I think the thought of the whole thing is starting to stress me out, and with so much going on currently, I just have no desire to pay for more crap that we don’t need or want.

But similarly I don’t want to be a pain in the arse as I know weddings are a nightmare!

Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
MusicWithRocksIn1t · 15/01/2021 10:45

Are the outfits expensive?
How old are the DC? Mine are 4 and 2 and I know that if either of them got too hot they would have massive meltdowns and refuse to cooperate.
Could you use that angle?
Have you shown her what you already got them?
Maybe send an photo of them and say its OK its already sorted.
I do think they should be paying though. My brother paid for my DD's flower girl dress and given you are already paying so much to be there I think its only fair then pay the outfit if they want a certain thing

Bleughbleughbleugh12 · 15/01/2021 10:49

I personally would say, if they want them to wear something specific, they pay. If they don’t mind what they wear then you could pay, although still be nice if they did pay though not obliged. IMO

daisypond · 15/01/2021 10:50

I would expect them to pay. Or you could just get the cheapest outfit that’d do that you can find. They only have to be wearing it for an hour or so, and then the can get changed. I wouldn’t buy anything yet. Will the wedding actually go ahead - covid an’ all?

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Weddings
Candyfloss99 · 15/01/2021 10:50

They are the ones getting married so they pay.

AfterSchoolWorry · 15/01/2021 10:51

They should pay. Cheeky feckers.

PatchworkElmer · 15/01/2021 10:52

They should pay.

mindutopia · 15/01/2021 10:53

I don't think there is any hard and fast rule. I would be very happy to buy my own outfits, but I wouldn't want them to be overheating or uncomfortable. I would raise that issue and then be willing to pay to get what I wanted. If you don't think that will work, you can always decline to have your dc involved.

In my case, I had no children involved in our wedding, but I did have one maid of honour. She paid for her own dress. I gave her a general colour scheme (generally natural colours) and she could choose any dress that suited her. We didn't have a destination wedding but wedding was in another country a long haul flight from maid of honour (dh and I live in a different country now and that's where we got married because that's where we live and most family is). She paid for her own travel, but she stayed in accommodation with my family (like a holiday let) and that was no cost to her.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 15/01/2021 10:54

If specific outfits are required, they select and buy them.

dementedpixie · 15/01/2021 10:54

If they want them to wear specific outfits they can pay for them. If you're paying to get there/accommodation, etc then they can pay for the outfits

Howshouldibehave · 15/01/2021 10:54

I would reply with my honest views-ooh, I think they might roast in those dresses’ but at no point assume that you would be paying for them.

If you ever get any messages saying, ‘did you order those dresses?’ I would reply with, sorry, ‘you wanted ME to pay for them?!’

To be honest, I’d probably pull out now if it’s getting this annoying already! If everyone in your family assumes you have nothing better with your bank balance than fund your sister’s wedding, things need to stop!

Flippyferloppy · 15/01/2021 10:56

They should pay, but I don't know why you don't justsay you'd already bought outfit before you knew they were to be involved.

NailsNeedDoing · 15/01/2021 10:57

I’d tell her that you’ve already bought the outfits but thanks for the suggestions, but if she really wants your children to wear the outfits that she has chosen, then you’re sure your children will be delighted with the gift from their Auntie.

Ignore the implication that you should pay and act as if it had never occurred to you to pay for clothes that someone else has chosen for their wedding party because it’s so far away from what is considered the done thing.

AdoraBell · 15/01/2021 10:57

Their wedding, their choice, they pay.

As suggested I would send a photo of the outfits you’ve bought and use the sweaty 🥵 hot = tantrum angle too.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 15/01/2021 10:59

Depends who is paying. Specific outfits and they MUST wear this then bride and groom pay. Them wearing what you dress them in and choose, then you pay

IndecentFeminist · 15/01/2021 10:59

If they are just giving ideas of style, I don't think that's unreasonable. Aim for similar colours and cut and get something that you're happy with.

Original poster
Luckystar1 · 15/01/2021 11:00

Thanks all! The children are 3 & 4. And in the Greek summer weather god knows how any of us will fare! 😆

I will see how things progress, and perhaps, as someone suggested take a change of clothes for after the ceremony.

I don’t want to upset the apple cart with small petty things, I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t being a knob by thinking the way I am!

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 15/01/2021 11:04

When we got married we paid for the bridesmaids dresses and button holes, the groomsman had his own suit and DH paid for the tie and pocket square. Why should they be out of pocket because we wanted them to wear a specific colour and type of outfit.

It sounds form your post that you resent your parents interference in your wedding and they whole hearted acceptance of your sisters. Is she more likely to kick off and so they're scared to be assertive with her decisions?

Maybe suggest you all attend as part of the brides family and not have formal roles as your DC are so young and you don't want them acting out and ruining her day.

Personally I would not want to be a part of the bridal party if they're being so demanding (of your money) on top of expecting everyone to spend thousands to attend their wedding.

lifestooshort123 · 15/01/2021 11:08

Yours is the more sensible suggestion but 'bride gets what bride wants' generally. I'd email her and say I've already bought these as it will be very hot for Janet and John and you know how fidgety children get when they're not comfortable (send pic)! but if you'd prefer them to wear the others perhaps you could order them?

Milkshake7489 · 15/01/2021 11:11

Unfortunately there's no set etiquette anymore which can make things awkward (in my family we do a weird dance where the bride and groom offer to pay and everyone dramatically refuses and insists on paying for their own/their children's outfits 😂).

I've been a bridesmaid a few times and paid for approx. half of my dresses...

One general rule seems to be that the more money you put towards, the more choice you have in the style etc.

JerichosPenisInADeadChickHat · 15/01/2021 11:14

I'd just reply, "yes if you want to buy those that's fine. I'll bring them something lighter for after the ceremony in case they get too hot"

TidyDancer · 15/01/2021 11:17

I agree if she wants something specific then she definitely needs to pay. You need to present it to her as a done deal so she knows you're assuming she will pay.

AcornAutumn · 15/01/2021 11:17

"Dsis isn’t really the type you can have this conversation with"

Well, that's exactly why you have it. She can't dictate to everyone.

What's the worst that can happen?

Lucieintheskye · 15/01/2021 11:17

You're definitely not being a knob OP. Having to fork out flights and everything for your family is costly enough, added to that your outfit, your partners outfit? and now the children's? If they insist on a wedding that you're having to pay thousands to attend, they should at least help to pay for the kids clothes, even if you have to go halfs. If they can't afford 2 children's outfits, they can't afford that wedding.

AriesTheRam · 15/01/2021 11:20

Hi sil those dresses look like they'd be hard work in such hot weather :) Could you order something like these please?
Thanks so much

NoSleepInTheHeat · 15/01/2021 11:28

Send a picture of the outfits you have already:
Hi sis, this is what we have bought for them. Of course if you want to buy them other outfits we understand - it is your wedding after all!

= we won't buy anything else ourselves.

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