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Original poster

Have you looked up your past bullies on FB?....

102 replies

MoreGLessT · 13/01/2021 11:38

And did you make contact? Did it help or just open wounds?

I'm mid 30's, but have only very recently joined social media and I couldn't help but search for my school bullies.

What was I hoping to find? Well, is it wrong that I wasn't exactly hoping for profiles of beautiful and successful people?..

Have you done this? I don't really know how I feel tbh. Part of me wants to ask if they remember doing x, y and z....do they realise the impact they've had on my life? But this was 20 plus years ago! I'd be wrong to do this, right?

Does anyone have experience with this?

OP posts:
GlobeUs · 13/01/2021 11:49

Yes, I had a friend request from a couple of them which I accepted. I gave them a few weeks to see if they would make contact or apologise, but neither happened and so they now sit at the bottom of the pit on my block list.

I actually now only have people I am in touch with in on social media - so if I have someone from the past then I make an effort to get back in proper contact with them, rather than just having a bunch of people I haven't spoken to in ages on my feed.

Original poster
MoreGLessT · 13/01/2021 12:00

@GlobeUs, hmm I'm not sure how I'd feel if I got a friend request from one of them.

I'm sure I will have come up as a friend suggestion, given I have looked them up and been on their profile.

I just feel a bit funny about it. Not sure why I'm doing it really. Suppose the aim is to make myself feel better, but how?

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 13/01/2021 12:02

I looked someone up out of curiosity. I wouldn’t contact them, no.

Original poster
MoreGLessT · 13/01/2021 12:04

The thing is, I'm still bruised by it all. I'm angry and bitter and I know that's not healthy.

As well as angry, I'm also embarrassed that after all this time, it still effects me so much. I still get flash backs and they're recently getting stronger and clearer and for a moment, I'm that utterly miserable teenage girl.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoreGLessT · 13/01/2021 12:23

@lastqueenofscotland, when you say curiosity, was there anything you were hoping to find?

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 13/01/2021 12:26

Yes. They looked like absolute shit.
Which would probably have felt satisfying if I didn't also look absolutely shit. 😁

Not contacted them. What would I say?

Hi there you utter twat, I hope you have constant abscesses on a large bunch of arse grapes.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 13/01/2021 12:34

Yes I looked one up. Annoyingly it looks like everything is going well for her. I blocked her so she couldnt find me. That felt quite good actually - taking control of the situation.

PhilippaArchersOlderSister · 13/01/2021 12:38

Not Facebook, but stalked them on LinkedIn. Mostly in dead end jobs. Made me feel better as I have done quite well.

I would absolutely not get in touch. As pp said - I really have nothing to say to them.

Maybe some cbt or talking therapies would help. Sounds like it is preying on your mind.

Scaredykittycat · 13/01/2021 12:44

It sounds like the most important thing for you if therapy to accept what happened and be able to move on. An apology or whatever won’t make you feel any better. And the likelihood of a but wanting to admit to themselves what a wanker they were all those years ago is slim to none, let alone them randomly coming to you and saying ‘hey, long time. Sorry for being a twunt when we were kids’

KangaShade · 13/01/2021 12:48

Chances are if you contact them they will panic and go on the defensive which could make you feel worse. If it's any consolation, I know someone who has recently admitted to being a bully at school and says it is their biggest regret and they feel completely ashamed by it. If you're a real bully at school then I don't think that's something you forget very easily.

whatayear20 · 13/01/2021 12:56

Not so much looked up, but my bully still lives the same small town as my family, so aware of them, although I haven't come across them in years. It was mentioned in passing that she was pregnant the same time I was, her daughter was born worth days of mine. I never gave it much thought but always thought o would say something if I saw her in person.

Then the worst thing happens. Her child got ill, it was in local press as they needed a bone marrow transplant, no match ever found and the child sadly passed away a few years ago.

If I ever see her now I think I would be kind

Original poster
MoreGLessT · 13/01/2021 13:01

@VettiyaIruken, you took the words right out if my mouth! Grin

@PhilippaArchersOlderSister, I have actually had CBT several times, but not directly for this, although it has been touched upon.

I think for a long time I was carrying around shame, as it makes me feel quite weak to admit the extent of the effect it has on me.

I didn't go to uni. I haven't built up a career or had a long term job. I actually didn't even finish high school and my self belief is pretty much none existent.

OP posts:
KizzyKat91 · 13/01/2021 13:13

I’ve looked up mine. She’s now massively obese and has come out as a lesbian. Based on some of the comments on her fb page, I think she has alcohol dependency issues.
She seems content though - she has lots of friends and her partner seems very loving and they seem settled.
I think she was very unhappy as a teenager, in denial about her sexuality and lashing out at people. Realising this has helped me forgive and forget.

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 13/01/2021 13:20

I looked mine up, it was extremely satisfying to see how far she’s fallen and how shit her life is now.

I told her Karma would get her in the end, and I was bang on.

WhatAreWordsWorth · 13/01/2021 13:20

I looked mine up out of curiosity. She’s an A&E nurse and still living in the town we grew up in.

I sincerely hope she’s changed now, considering the career path she’s taken. I’ve often wondered how I’d react if she was ever responsible for the care of a relative of mine.

lastqueenofscotland · 13/01/2021 13:20

I wasn’t hoping to find anything more of a “god wonder what became of her.”
Honestly I wouldn’t confront someone on their behaviour when they were technically a child.

Sheleg · 13/01/2021 13:29

The bullies from my year at school are all really successful and glamorous. Which is kind of annoying!

izzybobsmum · 13/01/2021 13:42

I was always the odd one out at school and bullied by a group of girls who sometimes let me join in and sometimes didn’t. It was abusive really. I would turn up at the bus stop some days and they would all just turn their backs on me in unison and ignore me. I hate the fact that I put up with it, and it bothered me for a long time.

We met up as a group a few years ago. I shouldn’t have gone but for some reason I couldn’t help myself - I still had a need to be accepted by them all these years later. The girl who had been the most vile said she was scared to see me because her life had been a car crash and mine looked successful.

The meet up did give me some closure. I de-friended them all on social media afterwards and concentrated on what was good in my own life.

CountryLady1 · 13/01/2021 13:51

Hi op sorry you experienced bullying thats awful Flowers

It clearly has a big impact on you even now and I would suggest you seek some talkibg therapies. Looking them up on Facebook and hoping they havent done well for themselves is almost like your trying to validate yourself compared to them and it would benefit you and your mental health to be able to focus on making you the best you you can be. Seperare to them

A recent post about this topic had a theme that these bullies often dont realise what they did or the impact it had and if confronted would minimise as childhood banter.
A friend recently messaged a lady who picked on her at school and the response was "well you were always a bit of a weirdo" this was obviously heartbreaking for my friend.

In my opinion its rare bullies will ever appreciate and identify what they did wrong so like I said you should focus in you

A life well lived is the best revenge

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2021 13:56

She popped up as someone I might know so I didn’t go looking. She was extremely racist and homophobic at school and a really nasty bully to loads of people for a variety of reasons.

She’s now an armed police officer.

FinallyFluid · 13/01/2021 14:15

Oh yes indeedy, I have her on my FB because you know, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Ill health aside, my life has turned out really well.

We always have a stunning tree, I post very little on FB but I always post a photo of the tree, she posted a snidey comment about the tree and my "Home Counties" life, before I could reply another girl she also wasn't particularly nice to piped up, Jesus Christ Sandra, you still haven't changed, you are still a snidey begrudger.

I almost sprayed my wine. Grin

BasinHaircut · 13/01/2021 14:29

I feel for anyone who has genuinely been bullied, but I do feel like that word is thrown around a bit to much these days. As kids I believe that at times we aren’t very nice to other kids, but as we grow we learn and correct our behaviour.

I think anyone who was an actual bully at school, is probably still a bully now and/or is now living a life that explains why they were a certain way back then IYKWIM. Either way I don’t think there is ever anything to gain by contacting them.

Where it’s just a case of kids being mean to kids in a transitional type way, again, what is there to gain? And if anything, you will look a bit pathetic for contacting someone to remind them of the time they called you ugly when you/they were 13 and telling them how much it upset you.

snowy0wl · 13/01/2021 14:40

@BasinHaircut - what a terrible thing to say! I’m presuming you were not scarred by the experience of bullying yourself. OP - I hope you will disregard their comments.

FinallyFluid · 13/01/2021 14:45

@BasinHaircut

Do you always minimise peoples feelings ?

Or only on anonymous fora ?

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2021 14:46

That sounds like an admission of bullying people basin?