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Original poster

How to do a reading at a funeral without sobbing

80 replies

Definitelynotlazy · 11/01/2021 22:49

It's my mum's funeral this week. I would like to say just a few words and read a short poem thing.
I want to do it well and I even want to smile and be brave for her.
Trouble is I am having trouble not crying.
Any tips to keep a stiff upper lip long enough to do this?

OP posts:

Trumplosttheelection · 11/01/2021 23:20

Absolutely don't look at people and write it so you can say it iyswim. I did it for my great aunt and my mum wrote it and I added bits. My mum had written this beautiful bit at the end that I never could get out without crying and I cried on the day but it was at the end so it didn't matter.

HarrietteNightingale · 11/01/2021 23:20

I am having to listen to the funeral songs daily so I can cope with them!

Very much relate to this

MrGruWeLoveYou · 11/01/2021 23:21

I'm so sorry about your mum. I read a poem at my mums funeral. I did cry a bit, it was ok though. But I read it all and I was so proud. No one will mind if you cry. I also had an agreement with someone if I gave him the nod he would have come and taken over. That helped. Good luck xx

peachgreen · 11/01/2021 23:23

Practice in front of people. And also, don't worry if you need to stop to compose yourself.

I did a eulogy at my DH's funeral in November and I'm so glad I did, it brings me so much comfort knowing I was able to tell everyone how special he was and how much I loved him.

Kolo · 11/01/2021 23:24

Couldn't do it for my mum. I was younger and wrecked by losing her. But I really wanted to do it for my dad a couple of years ago. I had to detach myself completely from what I was saying at the time, although one part did catch me out a bit. I'd practiced a lot beforehand. I didn't look at anyone. I just did deep breaths and got the words out, trying really hard not to think about what I was saying.

WarmSausageTea · 11/01/2021 23:27

I gave a eulogy for DP’s DF a few years ago. He was a nice guy, and although we weren’t especially close, I found it very emotional; much more so than I imagined. It sounds like you’re well prepared for that, but it will probably be hard going.

Three things helped me; one was, as others have said, no eye contact, I looked slightly over peoples’ heads. Also, we had someone who could step in if needed; I didn’t feel that it would be, but it was reassuring to have that back-up. The last thing was to slow the pace; I started off too quickly, and it felt like I was out of control. Once I slowed the pace, I felt much more in control of my emotions, and that my voice was steadier.

Commonwasher · 11/01/2021 23:28

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m not sure how, it comes down to how you feel on the day/in the moment. My only suggestion is that you have a wingman/woman who has a copy of your reading and who is happy/ready to take over if needed. Or make sure the celebrant or vicar has a copy incase you can’t do it.
Don’t put yourself under pressure — it’s ok to be on the receiving end of the readings and eulogies at your own mum’s funeral. Grieving is hard enough without feeling you must also perform.
All strength to you.

GreenPlum · 11/01/2021 23:31

I'm so sorry. I read at my mum's funeral. Practice and diazepam got me through.

stovetopespresso · 11/01/2021 23:31

oh gosh pps and op so sorry to hear of all these losses. I got through doing my dads by reading it out loud repeatedly, almost so the words didn't have any meaning any more which sounds brutal i know but I wanted to do it for him. apparently the words sti held meaning for others though and I hope I did him proud, it was back in the days when we were allowed big funerals... but as others have said if you can't get through it it doesn't matter everyone will understand

CaraDuneRedux · 11/01/2021 23:33

sorry for your loss.

I have had to do this at both my mum's and my sister's funerals. The thing that got me through was the training I'd had as a singer. Breathe in through your nose and then think about supporting your breath on the way out so it's one continuous, focused column from diaphragm up through your lungs and past your vocal chords.

(I lost it afterwards - when I complimented DNephew on how well he'd read, and he said "I had to - mum taught me to read.")

Enough4me · 11/01/2021 23:33

I spoke at my nan's funeral as I felt I wanted to say who she had been before dementia. I wanted to talk about how much she had loved walking on the beach and crafting. I used my inner feeling of determination that I wanted the positive image to be said aloud; that drove me to stand in the front and say it. I had a few bullet points so I didn't have to read word for word and personally found that easier.

Draw on your inner determination to say what you feel is important to be said.

RomComPhooey · 11/01/2021 23:43

I am sorry you have lost your Mum.

I would consider whether you need to do the reading. It’s no dishonour to your Mum for someone else to read the words you have prepared. I was talked into doing a reading at my grandfather’s reading. I was so stressed about not being able to get through it without crying that I couldn’t sleep the night before or concentrate during the service. When I was asked to do the eulogy at my own father’s funeral a few years ago, I wrote it but asked the minister to read it. It meant I was able to focus on saying goodbye to my Dad properly. Think about what you need at your Mum’s funeral and go from there. No one will judge you if you don’t say the words yourself.

runningthrougharedlight · 11/01/2021 23:46

I’m very sorry for your loss. I haven’t been in this situation but having been to many funerals, it always strikes me that the person reading nearly always manages to stay calm - I’ve often wondered (as a previous poster said about her dad) that the importance of wanting/needing everyone to know how much the person was loved and cherished someone holds the person together while they speak. Sending strength to you for these coming days.

runningthrougharedlight · 11/01/2021 23:47

*somehow

Bumpsadaisie · 12/01/2021 07:25

I have a trick for whenever I have to hold it together.

It is to imagine in my minds eye of a full length portrait of maggie thatcher at the height of her powers - in full royal blue suit, coiffure and handbag. It's hard to cry thinking of that!

But really it's ok if you do cry. Even if you can't say the words you will be communicating something very meaningful.

Sorry for your loss xx

darumafan · 12/01/2021 07:25

I gave a eulogy at my son's funeral and found that I could only do it by not looking at anyone. I looked up and into the distance, I didn't even attempt to make it look as though I was looking at anyone.
I was so determined to tell the world how special he was that the tears just didn't come.
My partner tried to give his eulogy straight after me but a friend had to step in and read it for him but he did stay next to our friend whilst he read it.

Eckhart · 12/01/2021 07:31

Pace yourself. There's no hurry. The most respectful thing, I imagine, to your mum's wishes, would be that you look after yourself well, and do whatever you need to do during the service. Take your time doing the reading. There's no requirement to not cry. Trust that the moment will carry you.

parrotonmyshoulder · 12/01/2021 07:34

I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t think I could do this for my mum, but I wrote and read something at my Nan’s funeral. I’m used to public speaking and thought I’d be okay. But I still cried and nobody minded! My uncles came up and stood with me when they realised and we got through it.

Roselilly36 · 12/01/2021 07:35

Sorry for your loss OP

Could you write the words and ask someone else to read them out for you. I think that is what I would have to do as I know I wouldn’t be able to speak for emotion at the funeral of someone dear to me.

Good luck for the day, very best wishes.

Onekidnoclue · 12/01/2021 07:41

I’m so sorry for your loss Op. my tips are

Practice til you’re almost bored of it.

Go slowly. Even stop for a moment if you need. Don’t rush to cover tears. Take a breath. Regroup and keep going.

Go first.

Decide what image or mantra is going to be your stabiliser and focus on that if you need to. At my grans funeral whenever I wavered I told myself “I will do this. I will do this” to ground me.

Good luck. X

RichardMarxisinnocent · 12/01/2021 07:51

I'm sorry for your loss. I read my dad's eulogy.

I would echo what people have said about not making eye contact and having a back up person available to take over if needed - just the fact that I knew there was someone who would carry if I couldn't (and who was standing next to me) made me feel just strong enough to get through it.

Unlike some others practising didn't remove the emotion for me. I always spoke clearly and unemotionally when practising, never broke down and felt a bit like I was practising for a work presentation. In contrast when I started to speak at the funeral, my voice immediately sounded as if it was breaking and I felt close to bursting into tears right from the first word. I was expecting to feel that way at some point but was taken by surprise that it happened immediately. I took deep breaths at the end of most sentences and tried not to talk too quickly.

MsAnnFrope · 12/01/2021 07:59

Sorry that you have lost your mum OP (and for all the other losses on here).
I actually found doing a reading at my dads funeral easier than the eulogy I did for my grandfather. Like a PP I drew on singing training and thought about my breath and how the words sounded, less about what they meant.
I did cry during my grandfather’s eulogy but just took a couple of deep breaths and carried on. I’d also identified someone who would take over reading it if I really couldn’t go on.

OverTheRainbow88 · 12/01/2021 08:02

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I would read the reading and poem out loud at home to no one so many times it becomes automatic and not emotional.

But equally, I wouldn’t worry if you cry: it’s natural and no one will think anything other than sorry that your mum has passed.

thisislovelyme · 12/01/2021 08:05

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this. A couple of years ago I wrote a couple of pages of memories to read at my wonderful Dad's funeral. Desperately wanted people to hear my thoughts but couldn't get through first sentence without choking up. But I was determined! Every time I was in my car I would say the first few lines and it got easier, I managed to desensitise myself enough to speak with feeling but no blubbing. Was so proud of myself. You can do this too - just keep say8ng your words out loud. You got this.

MoiraNotRuby · 12/01/2021 08:08

I'm sorry for your loss. I have given a eulogy and I have read poems at 3 different funerals. They are all different but the toughest was when I had also carried the coffin and then my v small DC decided to come and stand with me as I read. I could see my family's heart breaking all around the room. Weirdly it was also a comfort at the same time. You have had great advice on here, good luck I just wanted to wish you well.

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