What did/would you do at the birth of your second child..

[Timona]

..if you had no friends/relatives, to help?
If you had no one to look after your first child other than the father, I'm guessing you'd have to give birth alone, which seems scary!
Do many women do this?
If you have, what was it like giving birth without support?

Ok, your latest update puts a different spin on things. This is a domestic abuse situation and your kids will NOT be happy.

Can you go to your family if you leave DH? Honestly, you owe it to your children to get out of there.

@ArosAdraDrosDolig

Ok, your latest update puts a different spin on things. This is a domestic abuse situation and your kids will NOT be happy.

Can you go to your family if you leave DH? Honestly, you owe it to your children to get out of there.

None of my family would be able to have us stay with them, I know it's not great but I genuinely have very little formal education, no work experience and no way to support myself and children.

Parents at school? I was in a similar situation, in that I moved to a completely new area in the middle of my pregnancy with dc3. Mumsnet suggested I ask school mums, especially mums of my dc's friends. They were very happy to help. In the end one of them came at 1am to look after dc1&2. A wonderful benefit of this was that friendship grew between me and the mums as well as between our dc.

You are being abused, this is it a normal relationship. The reason you have nobody to help with your dc is because he’s isolated you from family and friends, so you can’t fix this easily. For what it’s worth, am sure many mums at school would help out in this scenario, but sounds like you partner wouldn’t allow anyway. Giving birth alone will be ok, midwives will see you good. But....you have a massive problem here, and for the sake of your kids, if not yourself you need to make plans to go. Your kids cannot be happy in this scenario, and it will set a fucked up example to them. Think carefully about a strategy- there will be one. Think about what you’d love to do long term, have the strength to believe you can do it and then work backwards to what you need to do. GCSEs and other qualifications can for example be done for free and online. If he wouldn’t let you do it, try to plan to do it at night or when he’s not around. You’ll need to be strong but you can do it. You owe it to yourself and your children.

@Apandemicyousay

You are being abused, this is it a normal relationship. The reason you have nobody to help with your dc is because he’s isolated you from family and friends, so you can’t fix this easily. For what it’s worth, am sure many mums at school would help out in this scenario, but sounds like you partner wouldn’t allow anyway. Giving birth alone will be ok, midwives will see you good. But....you have a massive problem here, and for the sake of your kids, if not yourself you need to make plans to go. Your kids cannot be happy in this scenario, and it will set a fucked up example to them. Think carefully about a strategy- there will be one. Think about what you’d love to do long term, have the strength to believe you can do it and then work backwards to what you need to do. GCSEs and other qualifications can for example be done for free and online. If he wouldn’t let you do it, try to plan to do it at night or when he’s not around. You’ll need to be strong but you can do it. You owe it to yourself and your children.

Thank you so much ❤️ I know the situation isn't good, I've just always thought it's a bit hopeless for me. But I know deep down it isn't setting a good example. I didn't know about the GCSEs, I thought things like that had to be done at college and that it would be too expensive. He has always been against me wanting to go out to college, but online would be good!

Please speak to your midwife honestly about the full story here. They are set up to help stuck women.

Your children should grow up witnessing a healthy and happy relationship, not a controlling and abusive one

We were in this situation when ds2 was born. He arrived early by 6 weeks and we lived on the other side of the world and didn't really know many people but a work colleague who we knew a little bit collected DS1 from his Nursery and looked after him for a couple of hours until Ds2 had been born and dh could take him home.

Honestly, it doesn’t matter if you don’t have a single GCSE and if you have to live on benefits while you figure out your future. That is much better than staying in this relationship. It’s probably the case that your confidence has been undermined and you think you could never cope alone, but once you leave you will grow in confidence.

Your midwife can help you, put you in touch with women’s aid etc, help you figure out how to leave, please talk to her.

I was alone - husband was in the armed forces, we lived far from my family, it was Christmas and all our neighbours were away . I had DS on my own with two very nice nurses who were wonderful. DH stayed at home with our daughter, and he helped out when I got home.

He went back to work after a week , and I just went from day to day with the two children. I formula fed him, so I wasn't "pinned down" with breast feeding, so that helped a lot. And he was a very placid baby so it wasn't stressful at all. DD was 4 and thought he was a great Christmas present !

@Timona

..if you had no friends/relatives, to help? If you had no one to look after your first child other than the father, I'm guessing you'd have to give birth alone, which seems scary! Do many women do this? If you have, what was it like giving birth without support?

This was the norm, not so long ago. I worked as a midwife back in the 1970's and it was quite normal for women to just have us there with them. In my experience I didn't think that men were particularly helpful , even when they were there .

A good midwife is all you need - family / friends can be less than helpful when you really need someone who actually knows what is going on.

I looked after a colleague's toddler while his wife gave birth. I barely knew him and had only met the child once before. Acquaintances like school mums or neighbours might be more willing to help than you expect.

As for your relationship - please do speak openly to your midwife, or reach out to an organisation like Women's Aid. It's not healthy for you or your children to be with such a controlling man, and you deserve support.

I live on the other side of the Atlantic from all my family. Fortunately DC2 was an elective c section and didn’t come early so my parents flew across to look after DC1 and meet the new arrival.

However I had backup plans in case the baby was early. My friend would have looked after my toddler for sure. And my next door neighbor (single elderly lady) offered if we needed to go quickly in the middle of the night she could sit in my house until my friend arrived

Honestly people will be happy to help out. Especially if your DD is school age. I watched a friends toddler while she had her second. Your DH is your biggest problem here!

Thank you for all the responses, I do feel a bit more confident about having to give birth alone if it comes to it.

I'm thinking more and more about my relationship, about things that usually I tip toe around to avoid his moods. He twists situations to make me think I'm in the wrong and I end up getting confused. I just got a phone call from the counselling services I've been waiting to hear from and when I came back down he was in one of his moods and talking and talking over and over about how he didn't sign up for this...because he was left with our son for 15 mins while I took the call. Now I'm afraid to tell him I've accepted a telephone appointment which will last an hour. I think I'm just going to have to cancel it.

He threatens to leave me or kick me out all the time and my anxiety goes through the roof, so I don't know how I will cope if the relationship ends.

Please talk to your midwife about your relationship. Like others have said, they are trained to help you. Abuse often starts or gets worse with pregnancy so they will be set up to help you. You can get out. You can cope if the relationship ends.

Went it alone, ended up being the easiest birth too. Just me, two midwives who knew what I needed without having to be asked (I.e no loud chatter, no sodding nipping to the loo when I’m pushing, no wringing hands and looking helpless), me not having to be worried about embarrassing myself and it was the only birth I didn’t have complications with too. If I was to ever have another I’d definitely do it alone again

I gave birth to DC3 on my own as DH looked after our other DC. It was a beautiful birth. I arrived at hospital at 10.30 am, really calm knowing the DC were being looked after. I had my baby at noon and felt no pain . The midwife had the radio on the whole time which took my mind off things. Then my DH arrived just after 12 and I was tucking into a roast dinner and he did the first feed.

My DH stayed home with our 4 year old DD while I was giving birth to DS. There were some complications at the end which meant there was a delay in him being told that the baby had arrived but that was a problem.

He was in the room with DD and his new DS when I came out of theatre and was totally loved up.

He hadn't been present for the birth of DD either. This was a conscious decision which we were both happy with. He has tight bonds with both the children (young adults now) and neither of us has ever regretted him not being there at the births.

Actually OP, now that I've read the rest of your posts... my experience is irrelevant.

Seek help please. Speak to your family and find a way to get your life back.

You will cope far better outside this so-called relationship than in it, and so will your children long term. I say so-called relationship because the word implies co-operation, partnership, mutual respect. What you are living in now is an oppressive dictatorship.
I can't remember how far along you are with your pregnancy, but do please, for the sake of you and both your babies, seriously investigate the possibility of moving out and away from the clutches of this controlling bully. 💐💐

I wish I was a stronger person, I know deep down that my children deserve better and the more I think about it, the more I've realised that this situation has made me a worse parent too.

I've been thinking of times when I've tried to act as a sort of buffer and stop DS doing certain things so as not to trigger OH moods. I've always thought it was protecting him from being on the receiving end but it's just meant that I've been more impatient with DS instead.

My poor sweet boy, deserves a patient happy mum, not one who sushes him so his dad doesn't get moody...I don't want to train him to walk on eggshells!!
I'm so glad I started this thread, but I feel so guilty for my son he's so lovely and I've forced him to live in this environment all his short life, what kind of mother am I.

I don't know where to start, or what to do.

@Timona you're in a tough and incredibly difficult and scarify position, but like others have said you need to reevaluate your relationship. I strongly believe you need to try and get your families support and up and leave and contact women's aid, tell your midwife.
You're right your children do deserve more, a happy patient mum and not to one day be subjected to the same things you are by their own father.
My ex h was not like yours, but he was emotionally abusive at times and controlling in ways I didn't even realise the extent of until I left. I left my home at 18 to live with him and did for 12 years, he didn't isolate me entirely from my family but he constantly bad mouthed them and belittled them and made me believe they were against me. I hardly spoke to them and pushed them away. I became so miserable and was an angry mum with no patience until I decided to leave just over 2 years ago. The immediate relief was immense and I have slowly built up to the old me. I have a wonderful relationship with my parents and siblings now. 2 years ago I told my dad I was leaving ex and the first thing he said it that he never really liked him and I had become a shell of myself and not the happy fun person I used to be, it empowered me to stick to my guns.
It's not been an easy 2 years and our divorce is not yet settled (you can search my posts to see what I s**t show it's been) but I am infinitely happier now than I was married to him. You have to have the strength but believe me you can do it, you and your children deserve more

I suggest that your post is moved to relationships OP. Lots of lovely and very experienced women there who can talk you through your options.

How many weeks pregnant are you?

There is lots of help out there if you decide you want to go for it.

Imagine what the freedom will feel like to be able to talk to your family again without feeling fear. To idly chat to a school mum, swap numbers, have play dates.

Giving birth on your own will be a piece of piss in comparison to walking on eggshells every day for the rest of your life.

If your OH can't cope with looking after your child for 15 mins while you have a phone call how is he going to manage if you end up needing a few days in hospital after DC2?