Struggling with DS4 in lock down after the worst year ever *possible TW*

[PinkSkiesAtNight]

Basically, I don't have the energy to play with my DS as he wants me to, and to stop him watching too much TV during another lock down (not UK). I can feel his addiction building up again and I can't do it.

Background:
Divorced Nov 19, moved into new house with DS (then) 3 and DD 11 months. Went to my mum in UK for Christmas. Christmas Eve blue lighted to Great Ormond St Hospital with DD in an induced coma. Spent a month there with her, while DS was with my mum in another city, they visited every 2 or 3 days. DD diagnosed with a life-limiting condition. Ex flew over too. We brought DD home end of Jan, the day after her 1st birthday. Went into full lock down in March. DD passed away a week into it.
My Dad passed away in October.

I coped, for DS, but he got very very angry, due to losing his sister, being away from his school and friends, divorce and being just 4. He started watching waaay too much television and I didn't have the energy to deal with it.

We got through it and he has got much much better, I have spent time on myself, lots of physical exercise, online personal trainer, sorting my flat etc.

We had to isolate for 10 days from 26th Dec. All the thoughts and memories came back from last time. And we are back into the same thing. Too much TV. I play with him but he wants to push a fucking car around for hours and I do it 'wrong'. Or jump around on the sofa or chase him round the house. He doesn't want to draw/lego/be creative for more than a few minutes at a time. So he watches too much TV.

I would be fine at home on my own. Books, exercise, yoga, films, I would actually really enjoy it. But I am seriously struggling with him. To give him what he needs and cope myself. I can't do it again. And I think we will back in full lock down from Monday. Last time children weren't allowed out AT All. Not even for exercise. I can't do it.

You used the phrase 'relentless pestering for tv from the moment we get up'. So it might be that you have to have very rigid (but generous) windows or rules. No tv before 11am for example. Or 1 hour only from 8-9 - which could be a specific program then another slot from 12-2. Or whatever combo works for you but it's fixed and it's a rule.

Then you'll have to think of a couple of fixed activities which could include minor helping out. I'll never forget my little niece being taught 'tidy up time' at preschool. Can you make stuff up for him to do?

There can then be 'walk time' and 'PE' (not sure Joe wicks is suitable? But someone for younger children? Someone to wear him out? I used to always get small children to show me how fast they could run - eg to that tree. Over and over. With words like 'that's amazing' and 'omg I think that's your fastest yet'.

I know what you are looking for are 'playing quietly' activities but at least if he's getting the physical exercise he will find it easier to sit down. But if you structure it more like a school eg 'draw this' 'write that' it might help because he won't be able to pester teachers for tv.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself, you are in such a difficult situation.
Would a timetable help him? It could have pictures on, so you could say before tv we have to have breakfast and get dressed. Could you get an egg timer and say that the tv can go on, but when the buzzer goes off we are going to turn it off for a while.
Does he like you reading to him? You could schedule in tea breaks for you while you read together. And say the tv can’t go on until mum has finished her cup of tea.

I got my son a huge Lego base plate and it did encourage him to play with it more. He likes building forts/prisons/castles on it.

But please don’t worry about the tv, I think most children are having a big dose of it right now. It’s a temporary thing and when restrictions ease then there will be many more things to do outside of home. Storybots is a good Netflix show, explains how lots of things work.

Does he get any time at his dads so you can recharge your batteries? Is there any counselling he can access?

Watching too much TV is not the end of the world and will naturally reduce when he goes back to school. If you're feeling bad could you put aside a couple of ten minute slots to have a cuddle and a story? That would be something nice for both of you.

Forgot to add, could you FaceTime with friends or relatives every so often? They could read him a story or play a game. We have played bingo with friends over FaceTime, we just printed off the same sheets. We also did a treasure hunt with some relatives. They had a list of things like something with wheels/something blue/a puzzle piece and we had to find it as fast as we could and bring it back to show them.

Gosh you are all wonderful. We have been for a rainy walk in the park, which was lovely, but cut short as he needed a poo 🙄😆

To answer some questions. He goes to school, they start at 3 here, some are still 2!! At the moment, they are open... It was just this 10 days of isolation that brought it all back to me, and I've heard rumours of another bout of lock down with school closure too, so panicking as well.
No bubbles here. Yet. And there was no such thing as support bubbles last time. Who knows if there will be this time.

His dad is around and pretty good. Although he is self-employed and often 'has' to work, leaving me last minute. We haven't ever really had time to get into a system with co-parenting. But we are working on it.

I think a routine would definitely a good thing. I usually have no problem standing firm on TV and other things, but the whole lock down and past year has made it very hard. I will make a visual timetable in case we go back in to lock down too. I think that will help me too.

Thank you for the Netflix help and recommendations. We are going to make Quiche together in a bit. Even though he has pestered me for TV. So Quiche then he can watch while it's in the oven, then off to eat.

Thank you xxx

He likes reading, but only really wants to before bed, when he wants story after story. I think maybe if I play with his toys/lego/crafts, he will come and join me.

Honestly OP you’re doing great - you’re inspiring me to try to do better! I’m still in my PJs, my boys have had about 2hours screen time this and are currently jumping around half naked on the sofa.

The current situation is really tough, lockdowns are really hard with young children, especially when it’s just the two of you so you feel the full burden of keeping him entertained rests on your shoulders. I hope you don’t feel guilty about carving out time for yourself for exercise etc, even if it means he is on a screen - you need that time.

Really you sound more on top of things than most people at the moment, that’s before you factor in you having had a year that would floor the best of us. You’re doing so well, really you are.

OP you've been to hell and back over the past few years. Be gentle with yourself, you're doing so well.

My DS is the same age and I worry about his screen time so much. He has an Amazon Kindle which is great as it offers educational apps and books as well as games and TV shows etc. He also plays the Xbox and the Wii which he adores. The games are all rated 3+ and although it's not what I would choose for him, he gets a lot of enjoyment out of it and it allows me to work/deal with life.

It's so hard to motivate yourself to keep going. When the most recent lockdown was announced here my first thought was just 'I can't do this' but we're just taking each day as it comes. I try to do one non-screen activity in the morning, one in the afternoon and own before bed. They can be small activities, games, chores, a walk, whatever, but they break up the endless screens and it's a manageable goal.

I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your DD and all of the other challenges you've faced. You're doing amazingly well and one day this will be a memory and your DS will be flourishing at school and on playdates and at scouts, in the orchestra, and playing football with his mates or whatever it is he fancies and this year will be a story you tell him.

Good luck

Btw we do Cosmic Yoga together from YouTube

Give yourself a break! You really have had the worst year ever under the worst circumstances. He’s made banana bread and had a walk today, that’s good going, more than a lot of children will get!

If you are looking for some ideas then I find water play is usually a winner, fill up a washing up bowl or even the bath and let him wash things and/or pour into different containers. Playdoh is always engaging and kinetic sand if you don’t mind the mess.

We don't have any kind of console. It's something I'm reluctant to get for now. He can watch/play things on my laptop if I can find some games.
Thank you for all the ideas. I struggle with him not wanting to do them, I would happily do them with him.

I like the idea of one activity/non-screen thing in the am/pm/evening.

I absolutely don't feel guilty about taking the time for me, that was something I worked a lot on with my therapist. I am now very very aware of how physical exercise and me time keeps me sane. But I do feel guilty that I don't have the energy to motivate him at times, and so I just let him watch TV.

I think I need to prepare for another lock down, both for myself and for him. A routine, at least on weekdays, with TV time slotted in, and activity time. And then I will also know that I need to make the effort in X period of time with him and can do my things at other times of the day.

It's been so so hard but I was doing so much better and now it all starts again.

I'll tell you something though, you have no idea how strong you can really be until life throws you a curveball like this. I know we will get through it but God it's hard. I also feel so bad that DS should have his little sister here to play with/fight with/keep me busy.

It would be my DDs second birthday in a couple of weeks. DS and I are planning some party food, talking about what she would probably like. And we will make a beautiful cake together. If we can't see people to celebrate her life, we will deliver cake to our friends here.

@OchNoAgain we like a bit of Cosmic Yoga too. Although he then tells me I am doing mine wrong!