Struggling with DS4 in lock down after the worst year ever *possible TW*

[PinkSkiesAtNight]

Basically, I don't have the energy to play with my DS as he wants me to, and to stop him watching too much TV during another lock down (not UK). I can feel his addiction building up again and I can't do it.

Background:
Divorced Nov 19, moved into new house with DS (then) 3 and DD 11 months. Went to my mum in UK for Christmas. Christmas Eve blue lighted to Great Ormond St Hospital with DD in an induced coma. Spent a month there with her, while DS was with my mum in another city, they visited every 2 or 3 days. DD diagnosed with a life-limiting condition. Ex flew over too. We brought DD home end of Jan, the day after her 1st birthday. Went into full lock down in March. DD passed away a week into it.
My Dad passed away in October.

I coped, for DS, but he got very very angry, due to losing his sister, being away from his school and friends, divorce and being just 4. He started watching waaay too much television and I didn't have the energy to deal with it.

We got through it and he has got much much better, I have spent time on myself, lots of physical exercise, online personal trainer, sorting my flat etc.

We had to isolate for 10 days from 26th Dec. All the thoughts and memories came back from last time. And we are back into the same thing. Too much TV. I play with him but he wants to push a fucking car around for hours and I do it 'wrong'. Or jump around on the sofa or chase him round the house. He doesn't want to draw/lego/be creative for more than a few minutes at a time. So he watches too much TV.

I would be fine at home on my own. Books, exercise, yoga, films, I would actually really enjoy it. But I am seriously struggling with him. To give him what he needs and cope myself. I can't do it again. And I think we will back in full lock down from Monday. Last time children weren't allowed out AT All. Not even for exercise. I can't do it.

[PinkSkiesAtNight]

@OchNoAgain we like a bit of Cosmic Yoga too. Although he then tells me I am doing mine wrong!

[PinkSkiesAtNight]

We don't have any kind of console. It's something I'm reluctant to get for now. He can watch/play things on my laptop if I can find some games.
Thank you for all the ideas. I struggle with him not wanting to do them, I would happily do them with him.

I like the idea of one activity/non-screen thing in the am/pm/evening.

I absolutely don't feel guilty about taking the time for me, that was something I worked a lot on with my therapist. I am now very very aware of how physical exercise and me time keeps me sane. But I do feel guilty that I don't have the energy to motivate him at times, and so I just let him watch TV.

I think I need to prepare for another lock down, both for myself and for him. A routine, at least on weekdays, with TV time slotted in, and activity time. And then I will also know that I need to make the effort in X period of time with him and can do my things at other times of the day.

It's been so so hard but I was doing so much better and now it all starts again.

I'll tell you something though, you have no idea how strong you can really be until life throws you a curveball like this. I know we will get through it but God it's hard. I also feel so bad that DS should have his little sister here to play with/fight with/keep me busy.

It would be my DDs second birthday in a couple of weeks. DS and I are planning some party food, talking about what she would probably like. And we will make a beautiful cake together. If we can't see people to celebrate her life, we will deliver cake to our friends here.

[LadyCatStark]

Give yourself a break! You really have had the worst year ever under the worst circumstances. He’s made banana bread and had a walk today, that’s good going, more than a lot of children will get!

If you are looking for some ideas then I find water play is usually a winner, fill up a washing up bowl or even the bath and let him wash things and/or pour into different containers. Playdoh is always engaging and kinetic sand if you don’t mind the mess.

[OchNoAgain]

Btw we do Cosmic Yoga together from YouTube

[OchNoAgain]

OP you've been to hell and back over the past few years. Be gentle with yourself, you're doing so well.

My DS is the same age and I worry about his screen time so much. He has an Amazon Kindle which is great as it offers educational apps and books as well as games and TV shows etc. He also plays the Xbox and the Wii which he adores. The games are all rated 3+ and although it's not what I would choose for him, he gets a lot of enjoyment out of it and it allows me to work/deal with life.

It's so hard to motivate yourself to keep going. When the most recent lockdown was announced here my first thought was just 'I can't do this' but we're just taking each day as it comes. I try to do one non-screen activity in the morning, one in the afternoon and own before bed. They can be small activities, games, chores, a walk, whatever, but they break up the endless screens and it's a manageable goal.

I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your DD and all of the other challenges you've faced. You're doing amazingly well and one day this will be a memory and your DS will be flourishing at school and on playdates and at scouts, in the orchestra, and playing football with his mates or whatever it is he fancies and this year will be a story you tell him.

Good luck

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

Honestly OP you’re doing great - you’re inspiring me to try to do better! I’m still in my PJs, my boys have had about 2hours screen time this and are currently jumping around half naked on the sofa.

The current situation is really tough, lockdowns are really hard with young children, especially when it’s just the two of you so you feel the full burden of keeping him entertained rests on your shoulders. I hope you don’t feel guilty about carving out time for yourself for exercise etc, even if it means he is on a screen - you need that time.

Really you sound more on top of things than most people at the moment, that’s before you factor in you having had a year that would floor the best of us. You’re doing so well, really you are.

[PinkSkiesAtNight]

Gosh you are all wonderful. We have been for a rainy walk in the park, which was lovely, but cut short as he needed a poo 🙄😆

To answer some questions. He goes to school, they start at 3 here, some are still 2!! At the moment, they are open... It was just this 10 days of isolation that brought it all back to me, and I've heard rumours of another bout of lock down with school closure too, so panicking as well.
No bubbles here. Yet. And there was no such thing as support bubbles last time. Who knows if there will be this time.

His dad is around and pretty good. Although he is self-employed and often 'has' to work, leaving me last minute. We haven't ever really had time to get into a system with co-parenting. But we are working on it.

I think a routine would definitely a good thing. I usually have no problem standing firm on TV and other things, but the whole lock down and past year has made it very hard. I will make a visual timetable in case we go back in to lock down too. I think that will help me too.

Thank you for the Netflix help and recommendations. We are going to make Quiche together in a bit. Even though he has pestered me for TV. So Quiche then he can watch while it's in the oven, then off to eat.

Thank you xxx

He likes reading, but only really wants to before bed, when he wants story after story. I think maybe if I play with his toys/lego/crafts, he will come and join me.

[Baboutheocelot]

Forgot to add, could you FaceTime with friends or relatives every so often? They could read him a story or play a game. We have played bingo with friends over FaceTime, we just printed off the same sheets. We also did a treasure hunt with some relatives. They had a list of things like something with wheels/something blue/a puzzle piece and we had to find it as fast as we could and bring it back to show them.

[Newstart20]

Watching too much TV is not the end of the world and will naturally reduce when he goes back to school. If you're feeling bad could you put aside a couple of ten minute slots to have a cuddle and a story? That would be something nice for both of you.

[Baboutheocelot]

I’m so sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself, you are in such a difficult situation.
Would a timetable help him? It could have pictures on, so you could say before tv we have to have breakfast and get dressed. Could you get an egg timer and say that the tv can go on, but when the buzzer goes off we are going to turn it off for a while.
Does he like you reading to him? You could schedule in tea breaks for you while you read together. And say the tv can’t go on until mum has finished her cup of tea.

I got my son a huge Lego base plate and it did encourage him to play with it more. He likes building forts/prisons/castles on it.

But please don’t worry about the tv, I think most children are having a big dose of it right now. It’s a temporary thing and when restrictions ease then there will be many more things to do outside of home. Storybots is a good Netflix show, explains how lots of things work.

Does he get any time at his dads so you can recharge your batteries? Is there any counselling he can access?

[Myshinynewname2021]

You used the phrase 'relentless pestering for tv from the moment we get up'. So it might be that you have to have very rigid (but generous) windows or rules. No tv before 11am for example. Or 1 hour only from 8-9 - which could be a specific program then another slot from 12-2. Or whatever combo works for you but it's fixed and it's a rule.

Then you'll have to think of a couple of fixed activities which could include minor helping out. I'll never forget my little niece being taught 'tidy up time' at preschool. Can you make stuff up for him to do?

There can then be 'walk time' and 'PE' (not sure Joe wicks is suitable? But someone for younger children? Someone to wear him out? I used to always get small children to show me how fast they could run - eg to that tree. Over and over. With words like 'that's amazing' and 'omg I think that's your fastest yet'.

I know what you are looking for are 'playing quietly' activities but at least if he's getting the physical exercise he will find it easier to sit down. But if you structure it more like a school eg 'draw this' 'write that' it might help because he won't be able to pester teachers for tv.

[Guineapigbridge]

Fuck the rules. You need to look after yourself, time to grieve/process. Compassionate grounds. You don't need permission. Ask for forgiveness not permission. Bubbles have been burst for way less.

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

I’m so sorry for the loss of your DD and the other huge challenges you have faced.

But please, please don’t beat yourself up over screen time or feel like you are failing your DS. My 3 and 6 year old can be complete screen zombies and pester me constantly for the TV or iPad and whinge and cry when it’s taken away. It’s normal if infuriating. I also find joining in with their imaginative play tortuous and I try to avoid it. Cut yourself and your DS some slack - I think understandably you are over-thinking normal 4 year old behaviour when it comes to screens and play.

The only suggestion I can make is try to create a routine if you can where screens/TV are at particular times of day and he knows they’re not available at other times, which my limit the nagging. I also try to give them fair warning when screen time is nearly over and try to let them watch to the end of an episode rather than just flipping it off. And break into something desirable (dinner time, a snack) then it’s easier to pick up an activity like lego or something after that rather than going screens > Lego which makes Lego seem like the poor relation.

[Metafizzical]

Hugs. I can't imagine what you have been through. You sound amazing to me.

Let him chill and watch TV. I love the idea a PP had of setting up a bit of colouring and a play space and seeing if he comes to it.

Could he go to nursery/pre-school for a couple of days if it is open?

Don't worry about the screen time. Just go with it and be kinder to yourself x

[FreiasBathtub]

@PinkSkiesAtNight - login to Netflix on a web browser. You'll need to set up a profile specifically for DS if you haven't already. Once you've done that, you go into your account, then select his profile by scrolling down to it, and then select 'Change' under 'Viewing Restrictions'. You can then set the maturity rating (we use U) and then, scrolling down, use the Children's Profile if you like, and use the search tool to select specific programmes to remove.

DD is pretty good about using her account but if you think DS will try to get around restrictions by using yours you can put a password/pin on your account.

In terms of what we like - Hey Duggee, Magic School Bus, Peppa, Octonauts, Storybots, Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood are the more educational, PJ Masks, Ben and Holly, Dragon Rescue Riders and various Lego series are less so...

Feel free to DM me if you want any more info!

[bobby81]

So sorry for your loss OP.
Does your DS enjoy playing with water? At that age my DC loved having a bath & would play for ages in there with bath toys or cups, bowls, spoons etc. Obviously you would still need to be supervising but it does help to pass an hour when the days seem so long!

[Birthdayhat]

Oh lovely, you have had an awful time, please be kind to yourself. Even in non covid times, 4 year olds are hard work.

On YouTube there are lots of things like Let's Go Live with Maddie and Greg - he might be a little young but my 4 yo likes it and it gives ideas of things to make and do. The National Marine Aquarium in Plymouth have done some great videos and places like zoos too. Also numberjacks which is a bit odd but my 4 yo watched a lot of it when he was older 3/younger 4.

Do you have a games console? I have convinced myself that playing games is marginally better than telly as at least they are having to think about it!

[SallyTimms]

Oh op you sound amazing with what you have been through.

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter

I don't know where about you are, but was your ds on school, and if so could you speak to school to explain you are struggling and see if he can be given a place, explain he needs the routine in view of the recent trauma he has been through?

[inappropriateraspberry]

Posted too soon!
He'll be at school before you know it (lockdown permitting) and there will be a lot less TV then.
Look up Time Tokens. You could make your own version, but it's basically a reward scheme for screen time. It may allow you to break it up a little bit.

[inappropriateraspberry]

Can you get any BBC programs where you are through Netflix etc? YouTube often have streams of CBeebies programs like Hey Duggee, Waffle the Wonder Dog, Topsy and Tim etc. Or check out Disney+, lots of things on there, not just the usual animated films.
I would take control of the TV and tell him he watches what you choose or it gets switched off!
My children have the TV on almost all day, but like others it becomes background noise like a radio. I really would t worry about it too much. He'll be at school before you know it and

[Toocold]

I am so sorry for your loss and what you’ve been through.

I wouldn’t worry about screen time for now, when things go back to normal it’ll eventually ebb away and your son won’t want the screen time as much, it’s just a period in his life that will eventually get easier x

[PinkSkiesAtNight]

You've all made me cry. In a good way! Thank you.

I will try and let it go. I have noticed that if it's on long enough, he will play around the TV, but it does have to be on for a while to do that. It is age appropriate TV, but I wouldn't say educational. Unfortunately, I don't have the BBC here. On a side note, @FreiasBathtub how do you remove certain programmes from a Netflix account??

I try to get him involved with food prep. Sometimes he will help, other times it's another battle so I don't bother. He likes baking so we do quite a lot of that. And then I eat most of it, undoing all the exercise!

@TJ17 yes the mundaneness(?) is awful! Gaah.

@MrsDeadlock yes, I had online counselling for a few months, but a, it was very expensive, and b, I felt I got enough out of it. I have wonderful friends both here and in the UK, and my mum is great, but I am not very good at reaching out. I tend to just say, yes I'm fine, with a big breezy smile.

@inappropriateraspberry, or anyone else, any recommendations for educational things he could watch? Either Netflix/Prime or maybe YouTube. He tends to just flick through Netflix watching what he wants.

Today we have made banana bread, then he has watched TV for about 2 hrs, while I have done my workout, tidied and showered. We will go out for a walk now.

It's the relentless pestering for TV from the moment he wakes up that gets me.

Thank you everyone.

[themusicmum]

¥ have both been through hell and i think you should cut both of you some slack. This time won't last for ever, and a little too much tv won't do any harm for the short term. Worying about it will just stress you out more.

[indecisivewoman81]

I am so sorry to hear about the awful things you and your son have been going through.

You have both had such a traumatic time. I really don't think that the screen time thing will have lasting repercussions. Your son probably uses the tv as a soothing tool to calm him and occupy his mind from all the harsh realistic s that have happened recently.

You are doing really well. You are not failing.

I agree with the other posters. Show don't tell.

Enjoy the yoga, the fitness. Maybe go for a walk and chat about what he likes on tv. Who his favourite characters are etc.

Xx

[FreiasBathtub]

I'm sorry, I've just realized it could be pretty insensitive to say that life is long given that your DD died so horribly young. What I mean, is that you have time to figure out the balance you and DS can live with in terms of TV. This period is a blip, you're not setting a habit that can never be broken and you're not going to do irreversible damage with 3 or 4 months of too much screen time.