the case for having 1 child

[bookiecurls]

Theres a chance I could only ever have one child. Can anyone make me feel better about this and tell me what are some good things about only having one?

I have one, 6 yrs old. I think the main advantage for us is that we really enjoy parenting but still manage to retain some of our pre child life and have time to ourselves as well as having the time to dedicate to our hobbies. We can afford to send our child to private school where they are flourishing. Our marriage is doing well following some tough times in the toddler/pre school yrs and neither of us has any desire to go back there again.

@Cauterize thank you thats really lovely to hear. is travel easy?

I only ever wanted one child. She is now 18 years and have never had even 5 minutes of regret.

We have a close bond. We have traveled extensively since she was 13. She was privately educated until age 12 which I could not have done if I had have multiple kids.

I have one 6yo DS, he's all I ever wanted and will stick to one. I can give him the best of everything and yeh he fits into our life. So many people are run ragged by having multiple children and this just isn't the case for us. Plus grandparents are always happy to have him for sleepovers because he's so easy :)

I only have one child. To be honest, one child caused enough damage to my body and I wasn’t keen to make it worse by having a second. By the time our first child got to 2yo and was sleeping better we really didn’t want to go back to square one with another baby. If you have multiple kids the period of having no sleep and no freedom is extended to 6-7 years or more, whereas with one kid it can be over in only 2-3 years. You can give one child a lot more as well - if the attention and the money is split between two kids they both get a lot less. I was an only child myself and it was life changing because I inherited everything. I wouldn’t have such a nice life if I’d only inherited half as much because I had to share with a sibling.

• It's the best of both worlds. You get to experience being a parent but you also get your life back very quickly. It's basically one year with a baby, two years with a toddler and that passes in the blink of an eye. Then they go off to kindergarten/school and you have all the time again to take care of yourself, travel, work, meet friends, pursue hobbies etc.

• You have way more freedom. Grandparents are usually happy to take one child, but two kids are stressful and many draw the line at three. With multiple children, you might not be able to spend a single night alone for 10+ years.

• Travelling with one child is MUCH easier than a bunch. The baby/toddler years might be trickier but once they're a bit older you can easily go on long haul vacations, take public transport without struggling with a pram or go to public toilets again!

• Minimal impact on your career and finances. There was actually a study showing that the highest earning mothers were those who only had ONE child after the age of 30. (Can't find the exact link but it was somewhere on this site www.workingmother.com)

• The child will receive undivided love and attention without sibling rivalry. You also don't have to deal with adult sibling dilemmas such as inheritance, financial support etc.

• True, they will not have siblings but there is also zero guarantee that siblings will remind close as adults. For every close family there are plenty of siblings that are estranged and it creates unnecessary guilt and anguish.

• Everything is cheaper. You can buy a smaller home, smaller car, pay less for holidays, meals out, school fees, etc.

• You get sick a lot less. Children are germ vectors but just having one significantly reduces the chances of them constantly carrying bugs back home, then infecting other siblings and you having to take care of an entire sick family while being ill yourself.

• This sounds a bit morbid but each extra child also increases the chances of something bad happening that will cause you immeasurable suffering. It's easier to worry about one child and feel at ease if they are well, rather than worrying about four where, at any point in time, one of them might be ill/in trouble/unhappy etc.

• The stereotypes of only children being spoiled or lonely are myths. Some of the funniest, smartest and most socially adjusted friends I have are all only children. Personality is ingrained into each person and doesn't change simply because they grew up with or without siblings. If they are predisposed to loneliness or depression then that would happen regardless of family structure. Many only children are incredibly outgoing and have no problems finding friends and relationships.

• A healthy upbringing involves giving a child solid self-esteem, unconditional love and the ability to keep going after failure. Many things that come with the only-child lifestyle facilitates these factors, such as more attention from both parents, more income (= better quality of life, better diet, ability to afford more things or experiences that are good for a child's self esteem) and fewer feelings of inadequacy as a result of being compared to siblings.

As you can see, I can go on forever ;)! I'm an only child and I decided to keep my DD as an only child as well. I loved my childhood and didn't feel like I missed out on anything.

thank you all for sharing. Are all your children happy to be one? Do you think they are lonely? They don't have another child to entertain each other so do you have to arrange more entertainment?

@IceIceLazy thank you so much this has made me feel so much better and these are all things that are really important to me

If you’re the sort of parent who’s just going to sit on the sofa watching tv and leave your kid to their own devices, then they’ll probably be lonely. As a parent of an only child you need to make more effort to get your child out of the house and involved in organised activities with other kids. If you have 2-3 kids you can send them to play upstairs, but if you only have 1 you have to make the effort to take them somewhere.

You might also find some useful reading on the one-child board, OP:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/one_child_families

I've never understood all this angst about having only one child. I'm an only child and had an absolutely brilliant childhood. I was never lonely, had loads of friends, and I was also raised to be very independent and to enjoy my own company. Having a sibling in no way guarantees a happy childhood.

My SiL had two horrendous pregnancies. She almost died the first time. After she had DC2 I decided to have one despite her struggle. I also had a difficult pregnancy and delivery. I said, never again. DH and I are in our mid-late 40s now. DH still wants another. I said, well YOU carry it then.

Childcare costs less, less money shelled out on school costs like trips and uniform, and you can do bedtime really quickly. You get to concentrate on one and don't risk favouritism. You spend less on housing. You can save up a decent amount for Uni. It's easier on your mental health. A Jaffa cake box divided into 3 is four each.

It's really important that your only child has strong friendships so that they are not lonely. I said yes to every play date and party. Cousins about the same age can be surrogate siblings. My daughter has used these links to stay connected during the pandemic, and has avoided loneliness.

@bookiecurls
Glad it helped :)!! The weird part is you can't miss what you never had so it never even occurred to me growing up that I might be "less bored" with siblings...if that makes sense? I simply found other things to entertain myself like drawing, reading, video games, crafts etc. I think that actually made me better at being happy and content alone with books & hobbies rather than relying on the constant stimulation from other people. For instance lockdown was a piece of cake because I had no problems finding stuff to do at home that didn't involve social contact.

I suppose the only time a child might be lonely is during the early years but I loved going to school and kindergarten and found that more than enough action for one day. After age 10 I simply called up friends if i got bored and chatted on the phone for hours (this was before mobiles so I always got in trouble for tying up our landline and modem ). In my teens went out and met up friends all the time, so even IF I had siblings I would have never seen them! Same with university...I moved quite far away from home and loved it. Was out all the time, made tons of friends and that was the best time of my life.

Funnily enough, my mum told me later that my dad was quite worried I might be lonely living alone in a foreign country and I had to laugh because that was so absurdly far from the truth.

My DD is now 2 and the days are a bit relentless since she can't entertain herself and everything is closed due to covid. However I'm not sure how much that even matters since there are plenty of children with siblings that were onlys at ages 2-4. I doubt she'll remember any of this and by the time she's in kindergarten, life will be back to normal.

Our DS is a very happy little boy. At times I do feel guilty that he might be lonely as he's such a sociable child. But I can't justify having another child that I really don't want to lessen any feelings of guilt.

Having said that, we both give him all our attention, we play and interact with him all the time. Sometimes I wish he had a sibling to play with, but even if I had one now the age gap would be huge so there wouldn't really be any benefit to him as a playmate.

Prior to Covid we were seeing people all the time, friends from school, family (he has lots of cousins) and he had a very full and exciting life! Way more than I had as a child and I had siblings! Obviously now his world has shrunk somewhat and I do feel bad. But then all children are in the same boat at the moment.

Also the friends that I do have with multiple kids aren't any happier or more fulfilled. In fact I'd say they were a lot more stressed in general and their kids bicker and fight a lot. We also have a lot of friends who've stopped at one. I think there are pros and cons to both

@IceIceLazy thank you for sharing. I think for me I had nothing in common with my siblings growing up and we fought all the time, but they're good people and it's fun to look back. It's nice to know that you never felt you missed out

@Cauterize would you say that the quality of life is higher for those with one?

I think lockdown is easier with one. Dd was jealous about her friends with siblings until they told her how hard lockdown was.

I know everyone hopes there will never be another one, but I thought this was a positive.

I'm an only (no children of my own) and I love it - being an only child with brilliant parents has made me independent, adaptable, happy in my own company and very clear about what I want and don't want in life.

Always had very close friendships and have always found it easy to make friends - I appreciate that might be personality too.

I had and have very close relationships with both my parents - lost Dad four years ago which was horrific, but Mum and I have helped each other through and we are the best of friends too.

Friends with siblings or think about having another child often ask what the downsides are - I'm 34 and haven't found any yet!

If difficult things happen- say a major operation for a parent- it’s easier for the other parent to manage one.

Taking your DC away without the other parent is actually fun. I can’t imagine doing it with 2.

I can’t think of anything else that PP have not already said, but DS (7) is very happy as an only. He had a bad dream about getting a sibling recently

Yes I'd say quality of life for parents of only children is probably better for the most part. There's less stress, less financial pressure and more time for parents to pursue their own interests and hobbies

Fantastic post @IceIcelazy.
I wish I had written it myself!

One child here & very happy.

• pregnancy was horrid for me, so only did it once.
• no money worries
• can consider private school
• can afford for dd to do whatever hobbies she wants (I’m one of 3 & my parents couldn’t afford to support my hobby)
• DH & I each get time to ourselves, regularly
• don’t have to compromise on activities at weekends,can do whatever is currently appropriate for dd’s age.
• grandma happy to have a single child regularly
• the most stable, well adjusted friend I have is an only child
• the most depressed, lonely adults I know have siblings
• DH and I both have siblings but are not close to them

People often say have more than one so they don’t have to deal with elderly parents alone in the future. My mum is an only child & got to make all the decisions about her parents’ care herself, whereas my dad had issues and disagreements with his siblings over his dad’s care

Great post @IceIceLazy

This sounds a bit morbid but each extra child also increases the chances of something bad happening that will cause you immeasurable suffering. It's easier to worry about one child and feel at ease if they are well, rather than worrying about four where, at any point in time, one of them might be ill/in trouble/unhappy etc

Interesting perspective. One of the very few reasons why I considered having another child was in case something terrible happened to DC1.

Agree with everything above. I only ever wanted one and she is all I could ever hope for. Read this - www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/singletons/201002/mothers-one-child-are-happiest

@plumpootle I’ve seen similar research before .

I have a genetic disorder which means I have a really high chance of miscarriage. I also have quite severe health anxiety and anxiety in general and I had my first child at 30. I was too frightened to get pregnant a second time.
I found my 30s so hard. I spent so long feeling jealous of people with two children and depressed when people would say when are you having another. It made me feel like a total failure.
I'm 44 now and my daughter is 14. Now I've accepted I won't have another child it's like the pain has gone and I have no regrets.
My daughter has the most amazing social skills (I think because she's always had to make friends) and she's really kind. I have time to myself now. For the first time ever I've started to actually feel really glad that I only have one child.
I think it's just society that tells you that you must have more than one child. If you're feeling worried about it I promise you you won't feel like that forever x