Are my friends shit or am i expecting too much?

[SoBrolen]

Last year, before covid, my partner left me. It was an horrendous time and my two very close friends were there for me at the time. As time went on, obviously the conversation understandably changes and moves on... and I have got a bit stronger although I’m still shaken that I’m single after being in a relationship for so long. But I’ve got used to it mostly and now with covid I am so incredibly lonely. I live on my own and the last few months have been awful.

I have barely heard from my five closest friends for the last few months. When I did speak to one recently who lives with her partner, she made it abundantly clear that she has no intention of meeting for walks etc (I didn’t ask, she was referring to another of her friends who I don’t know, who also lives alone and was apparently feeling lonely). She was laying into this friend saying she was clingy for wanting to meet she went on to say that she was really enjoying having time with her partner and just hibernating. I know this is up to her and I didn’t say anything but I came off the phone feeling really shit. Going for a walk with a friend made a huge difference to me and it was like she didn’t even want to recognise this or be there. We’re talking half an hour a week or something. This was all before tonight’s lockdown...when we were both in tier 3.

Anyway... other friends haven’t bothered to text or call and it’s been weeks. None have kids or particularly busy jobs..all mid 30s. They all have weekends off. Before all this we’d meet and were very close. I feel like they just don’t give a shit. It doesn’t take much to text does it? Each of them have been through difficult times in the past and I have been there for them and then some... I feel like they have treated me badly here. I’m usually fairly relaxed and have a thick skin but this has floored me a bit.

As far as I know im not a needy friend. I’m often referred to as the independent one and the strong career one etc. I don’t have money worries and my home is quite nice, I don’t have immediate problems if that makes sense. I wonder if these things make them think I’m ok or they just can’t comprehend the level of loneliness I am feeling? I don’t know. Maybe they just don’t give a fuck.

After the announcement tonight I just wish I wasn’t here. I feel invisible to everyone and scared about the future and just sad and low. I have nobody to talk to and the people I’ve stuck by for years haven’t so much as called or text. I feel so shit and wonder if I am being unfair perhaps. I don’t know. I have reached out to them now and then and don’t expect to do the running, but obviously you get a sense when people aren’t interested in giving the same back and I certainly don’t want to be a pest!!

I’m just so sad.

*dont expect them to do the running that should say!

I am so sorry you feel so low

I wonder if these things make them think I’m ok or they just can’t comprehend the level of loneliness I am feeling?

I think this is probably it. You seem like you've got it all together and they are wrapped up in their own lives.

And there is nothing to talk about apart from what you had for lunch.

It's so crap OP. I get it.

I am sorry that your friends have been so rubbish. The first one you mentioned in particular was tactless - and actually quite nasty about her other friend - and I think hearing a friend speak like that would actually make me view them differently. The others, perhaps they are struggling in their own ways too? Maybe they are not coping so much and have retreated into themselves.
I am sorry that you are experiencing this though, it is rubbish and you don't deserve it (nobody does)

Anyway... other friends haven’t bothered to text or call and it’s been weeks. None have kids or particularly busy jobs..all mid 30s

Have you called or messaged them?

I've barely heard from any of my friends, either. I know some of them are meeting up for walks etc (thanks, Facebook). To be fair though, they haven't heard from me either. I've never been any good at making the first move!

It's rubbish, isn't it.

Thanks. I’ve just started feeling quite cross about it today. I’m usually so so understanding and patient. It’s not like I’ve even seen any of them much in the last year anyway but to not even ask how I am... do they not know how it must feel to be facing a lockdown now for the next few weeks while living alone? I don’t expect them to rush to me and check I’m ok but if the situation were reversed I know I would make some small talk to send a friendly text.

The comment from one friend about the walk situation was weird. I didn’t know what to say. It was awkward for me too as obviously I’m on my own so have some sympathy with this woman. I don’t know. Maybe I’m expecting too much from them.

I can’t imagine being there for them in future like I was in the past though. I am so unhappy at the moment and it will be hard to forget the people who just left me to it and didn’t so much as contact me in passing for weeks on end.

Sometimes the people we think are our friends turn out not to be. The person in my support bubble wasn't a close friend before all of this but now she is. I wouldn't ever have guessed who my friends would be now if I was asked at the start of 2020 before covid happened.

Do you know the friend who is lonely & wants to go for walks? Maybe you two should get together for a walk since your friend doesn't want to go with her.

@OrigamiOwl yes now and then I have but you sense when you’re driving all the contact and I don’t want to be a pest. There’s only so many times you can suggest a call and then it not happen or isn’t re arranged before you have to draw a line. I’m not a clingy person but I’m feeling low and sad and I’m just surprised really that the people I’ve supported so so much in the past can’t even be bothered to send a ten second text.

Have you reached out to them in all these weeks?

@BeanieB2020 she’s my friends friend, I don’t know her personally, otherwise I would have done this.

I’m just a bit shaken by it. I don’t like the dwell on stuff like this and like I say I’m genuinely quite thick skinned. But this I just don’t think I will ever forget.

@Aquamarine1029 see post above yours. In short, yes. X

hi there @SoBrolen

I am so sorry you feel sad and alone.

Have you reached out to your friends? Everyone has their own lives and although you may be seeming to be fine when you're not, your friends may be in the same situation. Have you been a good friend checking in on them? They may be feeling the exact same way.

I think you should reach out to your friends and explain how you feel. I think your friend you described would be mean and worth dropping if you tell her your lonely and need a friend for a walk and she doesn't go because she thinks you're needy. (not going for COVID reasons is perfectly reasonable).

If your friends have no idea that you're not doing well can you blame them?

I have a friend who I love. She lives alone and although very uninspired seems to be getting through. We zoomed a couple of months ago as a group and it was all fun. I haven't reached out to her since because I have been busy and have my own job and problems. To me you sound exactly like her and I would think it very unfair to call me a shit friend.

To me you sound like you're heading into depression and you make the worst assumptions. I have been there. Do you think this could be the case?

People are generally selfish and self centred. I'm so sorry you've been let down by your so-called friends. It sucks.

@yippieplubath yes I’m very much aware of checking in on others and being there for my friends so it’s not something I let fall by the wayside. I’m not asking them to check up on me each day or do my online shop or something... just to have weeks on end of silence feels quite shitty. These friends didn’t mind being in contact constantly when they were divorcing or needing support with a parents cancer. I did literally all I could for them.

This situation may not be comparable but in some ways that makes it worse. It’s such a small thing to keep in touch when you know someone is alone. Like I did for my friend when she was divorced.

I just feel let down and yes I’m possibly depressed.

Have you told them how you feel? You say you’re seen as quite independent and like your life is together so they might not realise you are feeling lonely or still feeling low. You say you hesitate to call/ text them because you’re worried about being a pest, and they may well feel the same. I am in a similar situation (live alone) and when I confessed to a friend I was feeling a bit abandoned after having a tough time (bereavement) she apologised and said she was often thinking about it but didn’t like to text and check I was okay in case I was at home happy and her checking in reminded me of the bereavement and made things worse.

I think unless you tell people that you’re feeling lonely or make a lot of effort to text and stay in touch YABU to feel abandoned, everybody has their own stuff going on and it’s also reasonable that during covid some people just want to hibernate. Also reasonable that some people don’t want to go to walks as not everyone enjoys socialising in that way. As a single person living alone you are entitled to form a support bubble, is there any reason you haven’t tried to seek out somebody to form a bubble with you? That might help you to feel less lonely if you join up with another household.

I think sometimes you need to be brave to ask for what you need from friends, and not just hope that they will realise. Of course ideal world they would get it, but you might need to just lay it out that you really need a bit of company.

Do you text them much op?

I have a friend who is alone and I text her several times a week, but I just can't face a phone call with her or anyone right now. I don't live alone but I'm really struggling since last March. I can't chat or be jolly and conversational. I'm mentally just completely exhausted and drained by everything.

I don't mean to be cold or uncaring, as I said I text her very often. But pretty much all I want to do is ignore the world and go to sleep until this is all over.

Maybe your friends who have partners are struggling too and just don't have the headspace right now.

Sorry to hear this OP.

I do think many people are in a very weird place right now. Not to excuse them, and I know you have been getting in touch, but have you tried saying plainly that you are pretty isolated and would really appreciate a walk or zoom. It's quite hard to lay it down and be vulnerable like that, but I think so many people are so insular right now it might be needed.

If that doesn't work, or you already did it, then yes some new friends might be in order. Are your lot usually good? - has it only become an issue now?

You’ve mentioned being there for friends during hard times so this is kind of colouring your view, I think.

To be honest, I wouldn’t consider you to be going through a hard time a year after your split.

And while you’re lonely you can’t assume that the pandemic has been easy on anyone.

I’m married with children. I haven’t been lonely but my career has taken a dive trying to homeschool and work and keep everyone sane.

They’ll have their struggles too. Not the same as yours but no less valid.

I think you’re expecting too much. You still see yourself as the victim of a hard time but that mightn’t be obvious to anyone else.

Friends are people in your life who meet your needs, and you meet theirs. It sounds like there is some incompatibility here, and that's ok. They think their behaviour is ok, you don't. There are no rules about how much contact friends should have with each other.

It does sound a bit like you're expecting them to be mind readers, so you could perhaps take responsibility for that part? Are any of them having a hideous time and could do with you reaching out to them? Have you asked? The pandemic isn't about you struggling and everybody rallying to make sure you're ok. If you haven't offered them what they want, instinctively, why would you expect them to offer you what you want without being asked?

What would happen if you phoned them all tomorrow and said you've been feeling really lonely and shitty?

@OhCaptain

You’ve mentioned being there for friends during hard times so this is kind of colouring your view, I think.

To be honest, I wouldn’t consider you to be going through a hard time a year after your split.

And while you’re lonely you can’t assume that the pandemic has been easy on anyone.

I’m married with children. I haven’t been lonely but my career has taken a dive trying to homeschool and work and keep everyone sane.

They’ll have their struggles too. Not the same as yours but no less valid.

I think you’re expecting too much. You still see yourself as the victim of a hard time but that mightn’t be obvious to anyone else.

This is exactly right.

Op it is sad and my heart goes out to u. It does get lonely and understandably makes you sad. I would give a few days for your friends to make sense of the lockdown and then try and get in touch. Sometimes when u are always there for your friends unfortunately they tend to take u for granted. I have many friends who simply don't call me regardless of the fact that I have practically held there hand for years through their troubles. Try calling them for a chat but don't pin down your hopes on any one friend at the moment. I agree that you might have to spell things out for some of your friends at times, hopefully they will get back to you sooner than you think. You do need to look after yourself op...it is pretty cliché but do what makes u happy, do go out for walks /exercise at least once a day. Things will get better in time.

For some, hibernating is their survival mechanism, just like yours seems to be seeing friends. I wouldn’t take it personally.

Regarding the friend who was also nasty about her other single friend I think I'd have responded with something like

"Good to know where you stand. Think I'll leave you to live your life without the burden of single friends from now on"

I mean seriously what a bitch!

I also live alone and have frequently been in the position of being the one "doing all the running" and it does wear thin!

I've also had crises of my own and it's definitely been my experience that this is when you learn who your true friends are - and you tend to discover it's not who you thought! In normal times it's also led to me becoming much closer to others who before that time were not close friends or even just acquaintances.

I also think that as a group women are bad for putting up with poor treatment from many people and not ending relationships (including friendships) that are not benefiting them. By which I don't mean only being in a friendship for what you get out of it, but if it's a drain and the other person is rarely if ever there for you and it's a one way street it's not really a friendship it's a case of being used.

Very weird reference but with this type of issue it always makes me think of an old sitcom I used to watch and there was an episode where the main character was excited to spend time with an "old friend" they hadn't seen for years but the friend treated them badly. The character kinda realised they needed to stand up for themselves but feared losing what they saw as a long friendship.

They said to their spouse "but we've been friends for 30 years"

And the spouse said

"No. You were friends 30 years ago there's a difference"

And not all friendships are meant to be long term let alone lifelong. We change through our lives so it's only natural our friendships do too.

Sometimes it's simply a case of the friendship has outlived its usefulness for both parties.

Sometimes it is a realisation that you've mainly been placed in the "supportive independent" friend role and they don't want you to step out of that.

Be honest with them in as non confrontational a way as possible and try to all work things out to support each other, but also be prepared to discover they are unwilling/unable to support you and that you may have difficult decisions regarding this.

It sucks to be taken for granted I know. I too went from "miss independent there for everyone" to "miss 'needy' who actually isn't but is going through a tough time" and therefore reasonably expected the people I'd supported - in some cases for decades - to return the favour, in fact not even that just to provide a wee bit of support when I needed it.

As I said earlier it's on such occasions people's true colours become apparent.