Are my friends shit or am i expecting too much?

[SoBrolen]

Last year, before covid, my partner left me. It was an horrendous time and my two very close friends were there for me at the time. As time went on, obviously the conversation understandably changes and moves on... and I have got a bit stronger although I’m still shaken that I’m single after being in a relationship for so long. But I’ve got used to it mostly and now with covid I am so incredibly lonely. I live on my own and the last few months have been awful.

I have barely heard from my five closest friends for the last few months. When I did speak to one recently who lives with her partner, she made it abundantly clear that she has no intention of meeting for walks etc (I didn’t ask, she was referring to another of her friends who I don’t know, who also lives alone and was apparently feeling lonely). She was laying into this friend saying she was clingy for wanting to meet she went on to say that she was really enjoying having time with her partner and just hibernating. I know this is up to her and I didn’t say anything but I came off the phone feeling really shit. Going for a walk with a friend made a huge difference to me and it was like she didn’t even want to recognise this or be there. We’re talking half an hour a week or something. This was all before tonight’s lockdown...when we were both in tier 3.

Anyway... other friends haven’t bothered to text or call and it’s been weeks. None have kids or particularly busy jobs..all mid 30s. They all have weekends off. Before all this we’d meet and were very close. I feel like they just don’t give a shit. It doesn’t take much to text does it? Each of them have been through difficult times in the past and I have been there for them and then some... I feel like they have treated me badly here. I’m usually fairly relaxed and have a thick skin but this has floored me a bit.

As far as I know im not a needy friend. I’m often referred to as the independent one and the strong career one etc. I don’t have money worries and my home is quite nice, I don’t have immediate problems if that makes sense. I wonder if these things make them think I’m ok or they just can’t comprehend the level of loneliness I am feeling? I don’t know. Maybe they just don’t give a fuck.

After the announcement tonight I just wish I wasn’t here. I feel invisible to everyone and scared about the future and just sad and low. I have nobody to talk to and the people I’ve stuck by for years haven’t so much as called or text. I feel so shit and wonder if I am being unfair perhaps. I don’t know. I have reached out to them now and then and don’t expect to do the running, but obviously you get a sense when people aren’t interested in giving the same back and I certainly don’t want to be a pest!!

I’m just so sad.

She’s not a bitch because she’s handling the pandemic in a way that doesn’t suit other people @Graphista.

I can kind of understand how some people have become used to being stuck at home. I feel a little like that. I haven't seen anyone in ages and other than seeing my parents I'm not bothered about seeing them.

I do miss the dinners and lunches we used to have but I don't live in the same city as most of my friends and I don't feel that bothered about meeting them for walks.

But if one of them asked me to meet and I knew they needed company then I would like make more effort.

I think they might not realise you are lonely. I don't know what all my other friends are doing and who they are seeing so they might not think you're on your own.

Also don't focus too much on your friend's comment about another friend wanting to meet. She might feel differently about that other friend.

If you want to meet up you need to let them know and if they still won't then you can reassess but they could have their reasons.

I'm sorry you're feeling rubbish OP

We never fully know what's going on in other people's lives and it could be that your friends are struggling themselves but aren't making this known.

Do you have any family to offer support?

As you won't / haven't answered anyone who has asked you how much you have texted them, or if you have initiated contact, then I'm guessing you haven't ?

As others have said, we all have stuff going on in our lives. Most people's lives have changed considerably since Feb last year. People don't necessarily have the headspace to be listing through all their friendship groups, checking in on people each week - particularly people who give the impression, outwardly, of being okay / strong / together / confident.

What I've experienced in the last 9 months is that people have started WhatsApp Groups and been able to 'chat' through those. then, if you want to meet someone for a walk (or coffee when it has been allowed) you don't have to worry about "bothering" someone, you just ask "Does anyone fancy....." Someone might, and those that don't, don't need to.
I think I'm in 5 new groups that have been set up since March.
A lot have been sharing the odd joke or meme. In our road, there are 4 people that just post 'Good Morning' every day. Thing is, it keeps them in your mind.
I'm also in 4 'e-mail chains' for other things I belong to - just keeping in touch, sharing news if you want to (but there is no compulsion) , and, again, when it was allowed, meeting up for a coffee in the park or whatever for those who wanted to. It means the 'chat' is there and people can dip in and out as they want to.

Sometimes you have to be proactive, as, if you don't see people, they will assume you are okay.

I think a lot of people are becoming more insular now. Back in March and through to the summer, everyone in my circle was on the phone checking in on each other but as, time has gone on, that's petered out a bit. I think we've all got used to a more sedate way of living and think less about checking in. No-one has much to shar, there's not an, awful lot going on his people's lives a lot of the time - I think a lot of people are feeling flat.

@BackforGood I’ve answered that about three times. See above x

@OhCaptain that's not why she's a bitch, she's a bitch for speaking the way she did to someone she should have know would have been hurt by what she said - there are ways, and times to say certain things. It costs nothing to be aware of that

@BackforGood far as I could tell op did answer that and has said she is regularly the one to get in touch first and they then either respond very late if at all.

It shouldn't all be on op to do all the running.

I suspect the op has already been "pro active" and is understandably fed up of the onus being on her all the time and the friends not thinking of her without prompting?

As I said it's an issue I too have experienced. I've learnt to regularly assess friendships and if the supposed friends leave all the running, all the effort to me I step back after letting them know I'm not happy about the situation. If when I step back their effort decreases further then the friendship is clearly at an end anyway, if they make more effort great and so do I, and this reinvigorates the friendship.

Yes sometimes people don't realise they've slipped into bad friendship habits and step up when it's brought to their attention. Some sadly think they don't need to make an effort or make excuses, well...natural consequence of that is they don't have too many friends.

@Cam2020 yes I think that’s true. The two friends that I’ve felt like this towards mostly are the ones who know I’m alone and also have had so much support from me in the past. I’m not suggesting that they owe me the same or that I even need that right now. But to have literally been out of sight out of mind - it’s something I know I won’t be able to forget. I actually was at the stage where I thought I should simply cut ties completely as the friendship doesn’t feel the same anymore. Maybe a bit dramatic but I can guarantee if their life goes wrong in future they’d be getting in touch non stop.

@Graphista thanks for the understanding (and for reading the thread fully!). I sense if I mentioned it to them they would step it up but I guess it’s almost a bit meaningless. If you have to remind someone to show they care it’s not ideal is it.

Some of it is probably me feeling sorry for myself. But I know I won’t be as giving with my time and compassion in future!!

Since last year we have been going through IVF (which needs sheilding) and now I am pregnant but it is too early to tell others so there is more shielding.... and not all my friends know about those things so i have been withdrawn for the last 12 months...

Probably my friends think, I haven't been very social, didn't want to meet up alot, go for walks for hours... I haven't seen my family abroad over 15 months and thats because of covid .... i live with my husband but i am lonely in my own way because I am very homesick... And in a selfish way, I dont want to listen people moaning they can't go to cinema or shopping, party when I haven't seen my family for months.. Not to mention we have different feelings about government on covid and brexit so I am limiting my time with others to avoid saying something strong on those topics.

So what I am trying to say is; we are all dealing with stuff right now... so please try to think they are having some tought time and this is not about you, it may be some bad timing for them perhaps???

Please stay positive, hopefully this lockdown will reduce the numbers and it is will soon be over and spring is around the corner....

You seem like a nice person... if you want to talk DM me 😉

I think people just have their own things going on... just because you are fibdi g it hard, doesnt mean there not.

I have to say with very few exceptions, most of my friends round me locally don’t bother to check in with me or see how I am.

It’s always me.

I’ve let one go completely, she made it abundantly clear I was of zero importance to her and others are just not bothered

I don’t know what to suggest tbh, but I know how you feel.

Op you're welcome.

No it's not ideal they need reminding but we are all imperfect in different ways.

Just as you expect them to step up and fill that gap in their "friendship cv" perhaps you need to make an effort to appear less independent? More vulnerable?

It's something I've struggled with too - to the point I made myself very ill by trying to be "miss perfect"

I had a full psychotic breakdown around 15 years ago, caused at least in part by trying to be the perfect version of all things to all people - mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee, student, advocate, union rep AND my house, daughter and I always in perfect clean and tidy order! Never out of control or late for an appointment none of that.

Utterly Fucking Ridiculous!

But I couldn't see it at the time.

What I also couldn't see was my "little miss capable" act could make people think I didn't need support and even that I'd be offended if it were offered!

But it was a lot like Ross in friends giving it "I'm fiiiine" aye right!

My becoming that ill was a shock to people too and certain people I thought were close friends just vanished...but others that I'd not known too well up to that point were AMAZING and we are close to this day.

At times I've been able to support them too, which they sort of felt bad about at first (as women we're conditioned to feel guilty about pretty much anything!) then I told them that not only was I now able to support them I was grateful to them for helping me reach that stage and I considered it a privilege to be able and welcomed to do so.

I'm more honest now if I'm feeling the well is running dry, I'll say I need a day or however long to recharge, but that I'll be back in touch when I have and that it isn't anything they've done "wrong" and I still love them.

I used to be "miss detached" too, now I tell the people I care about I love them all the time.

The ones who also tended to the similar and weren't very comfortable expressing emotion I've found they started being more comfortable telling me too the more I told them.

One did it the first time "by accident" (end of a phone call I said "love u" and they said same back as a sort of automatic thing) and then worried they had offended me by being too "gushy" or possibly "inappropriate" but once they realised neither was true and that actually I'd felt touched by the comment they started cautiously telling others too and were pleasantly surprised by how people's interactions with them changed.

Dd I was always pure pestering her with hugs and I love yous because I didn't want her ever doubting it, I haven't the best relationship with my mum.

Occasionally I must admit that was "I love you but for the love of god will you put the milk back in the fridge!" Type thing

Relationships are hard, we get stuff wrong we say things we shouldn't. But we also don't deserve to be forgotten or ignored by those who are supposed to care about us.

@LittleOverwhelmed

It is a funny time, it isn’t you, it is “people reacting to the pandemic” I think

I am so sorry, because people like you (ie alone) are hit the most.

Many people have become more “introverted” because of the pandemic. They are looking inwards, their worlds have shrunk, they are “hunkering down” (or hibernating as your friend put it) and getting through. It really isn’t great.

Quite a few of my friends have met up for socially distanced walks and coffees etc over the past few months. A few I am in regular texts with. I did notice that the appetite for “Zoom” calls does rapidly dieting the initial lockdown... Many people do a lot of video chats with work and are all “zoomed out” by the time it gets to their social life.

Keep reaching out to your friends. Might be worth looking to join other groups or organisations etc locally or encourage other friendships where you can. Although it is hard as we go again into full lockdown.

Sending you .

That. I'm one of those people that Covid has hermit-ised. I feel bad about it, but my emotional energy has been shot. It's ridiculous because I feel lonely myself, but this whole thing has subconsciously made it hard for me to make the move or even respond properly when others do.

I hate zoom. I've been persuaded to use it occasionally, but it felt really awkward. So that's not a real option. I have one or two friends that I message. But I know I'm letting down people who would like to hear from me. I intend to do it, but don't. I can't explain it, but it's real.

I wouldn't take it personally OP. This pandemic has emotionally drained everyone. Most people are just struggling to cope day to day - and if in a relationship you have your partner and/or kids to worry about too. Some people have parents they worry about. Redundancy concerns. Pretty much everyone in the country is a bit low mood and dejected.

It's too much to expect friends to be there in the way you want, or they normally would be. Do you have family you can reach out to?

Maybe even get on the dating apps or join some social media resident groups to find other single people you can just talk to. A virtual book club?

I understand the loneliness. I was single the last lockdown, living alone, dumped just before lockdown and couldn't really count on friends the same way. Had to throw myself into learning new hobbies and reaching out to old friends and instigating lots of video calls. I even e-dated and that was a nice distraction just to talk to people and have some human contact.

Don't discount your friends just yet. Except the one who had a go about taking a walk sounds like a bitch - I'd wide avoid her. But lots of people living alone in the same boat, you're not alone in feeling rubbish about it all.

@Cam2020 yes I think that’s true. The two friends that I’ve felt like this towards mostly are the ones who know I’m alone and also have had so much support from me in the past. I’m not suggesting that they owe me the same or that I even need that right now. But to have literally been out of sight out of mind - it’s something I know I won’t be able to forget. I actually was at the stage where I thought I should simply cut ties completely as the friendship doesn’t feel the same anymore. Maybe a bit dramatic but I can guarantee if their life goes wrong in future they’d be getting in touch non stop.

It's not at all dramatic. What your friend said was horrible and thoughtless towards you and your situation. It was the equivalent of the friend who drops you for a boy as a teen - it's still hurtful whatever age. If you feel like these friendships are not doing you any good, you're perfectly within your rights to end them. As PP have said, I do think we place some misjudged loyalty with some people simply because we were friends or we've known them a long time.

Everyone has reacted differently to this unprecedented situation and there can be a certain amount of leeway given and taken, but I also think its shown a side of some people we might not have seen and don't like.

I absolutely sympathise op. My relationship broke down at the start of the very first lock down way back in March.
As I had just taken early retirement I have really struggled with the social side of things. Evenings are particularly lonely. But luckily I have one good friend, who despite being married and leading a very busy life, still makes time for me. Our weekly night time walk and talk in the dark has really kept me going.
If you are in the North East I will meet up with you!

OP being truthful, when you've messaged them recently has it been because you've needed them for something or has it been for a breezy non-committal chat or asking how they are? If a lot of your communication with your friends has been about you (your break-up, then your loneliness and need for contact with others being the topic rather than a coincidence) then I can understand why they might have taken a step back.

I've got a partner and a job where I speak to people all day but I still feel incredibly lonely a lot of the time. You can't assume to know how people are feeling.

@Cam2020

I think a lot of people are becoming more insular now. Back in March and through to the summer, everyone in my circle was on the phone checking in on each other but as, time has gone on, that's petered out a bit. I think we've all got used to a more sedate way of living and think less about checking in. No-one has much to shar, there's not an, awful lot going on his people's lives a lot of the time - I think a lot of people are feeling flat.

I think this is exactly it. At first my WhatsApp was buzzing, everyone checking in with each other. Now I think everyone's struggling to some extent, and the energy that would've gone on maintaining friendships is going to keeping in touch with close family that people would regularly see in person under normal circumstances.

I have a parent who's terminally ill. A couple of friends know the full story. Others know they are ill but not how bad things are as they haven't asked for a while and I don't have the energy to raise it. Others don't even know about the illness as we usually catch up in person and, again, an awkward thing to raise on a WhatsApp thread with lots of people.

I don't begrudge them or think they're not making an effort. They're the same as me, digging in and focusing on getting the people within their own four walls through. And obviously I have no idea if any of them have anything equally important going on.

Friendships are taking a hit. Don't write anyone off just yet.

@PolPotNoodle no haven’t referred to being upset or lonely or sad about the break up in a very long time, probably the last chat about it was last March!

It’s not that, I’m pretty certain. I’m not sure how they would think that as whenever we have spoken I just take an interest in what they’re doing and it’s certainly not a ‘can we talk I need a chat’ sort of dynamic.

The more I’ve thought about it the more sure I feel that some of them - these two at least - are not the sort of friends I thought they were.

@MindyStClaire I’m sorry to hear that. Sounds hard.

For what it’s worth I would never expect or ask for a zoom call. It’s not even phone calls really it’s just a lack of any sort of contact, not even a happy new year. I realise I could have messaged that myself but after the last couple of months with zero effort from them I just left it. I know I would never do that or forget someone who was living alone at new year in a pandemic...maybe I’m being dramatic and needy but I’m more inclined to feel that it’s just shit on her behalf.