Adult ADHD or something else

[Bythemillpond]

Bit of a long one. I don’t even know if there is a topic I should have started this post in.

Someone my Ds was chatting to said he should get tested for ADHD. It wasn’t a nasty observation but one that others in the group agreed that it was something that he should look into. It has come up before when he was younger but I just didn’t know where to start and the Gp didn’t know what to do so I left it. We didn’t have the internet when he was small so couldn’t look up things like now.
I didn’t see anything wrong as he was just like me when I was that age.

After looking up ADHD both my children have made appointments with the doctor to see if they can get a diagnosis as a lot, if not everything that was described was exactly what they deal with everyday and it was like the things they do suddenly made sense.

I looked up and did a cursory test and if the results of the test are to be believed I too am ADHD. It would explain a lot.

What made me sad was that for the whole of my life I have felt like I was pretending to be a normal person
A lot of my decisions are based on what I think a normal person would do.
I didn’t think anyone would want me so I grabbed the first person who looked twice at me and married him. Some of the things I have been put through by dh would have a normal person running for the hills but I have clung on because I was scared of not coping on my own with 2 children.
I do really stupid things like leaving food on the hob or in the oven and forgetting about it quite regularly. I have caused several fires doing that or just filling the house with smoke.
I feel like my whole life has been a huge act and
it is exhausting.

I could blame ADHD but I don’t know if it was my upbringing that could be responsible.
Whatever I did or said was always wrong, I was always late or lost things and I had a terrible temper so was always being corrected or told off for something I did or didn’t do.
I still have the temper but because I can never judge how angry a normal person would be I tend to keep it in and am sure people think I am a doormat.
I know my self esteem is non existent. I am not sure whether that is because of ADHD or the type of upbringing I had

I haven’t held down a full time job for decades and even then I would end up either walking out of jobs after a few weeks or a couple of times I forced myself to stay and ended up so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed. My body wouldn’t move. I lay there sobbing. I have had so many jobs.
If someone offered me a full time job tomorrow and I had to do it for the next 10 years or I would have to live on the streets I think I would choose the streets.
I was homeless for a time and it was one of the happiest times of my life.
Just saying that I know makes me sound weird.

Do you think I should get properly tested or is it too late for me? If I was diagnosed as having ADHD would there be something they could do that would significantly alter my life.

It's never too late, and I think you should get tested if that's what you want. It may help you to gain a wonderful understanding of yourself.

Also, please don't label yourself as not "normal." What is normal, anyway? We all have issues to contend with, and it makes me very sad that you might think of yourself as "less than." You are most definitely not. A diagnosis and treatment may very well help you function to the best of your ability, and I sincerely hope that happens.

Do it, you’ve got nothing to lose.

I’ve never been able to cope with any job I’ve ever had (loads, short term). Haven’t worked for 15 years now.

I’m currently being assessed for ASD but I suspect ADHD as well, or instead (I don’t fully understand the difference). I have always found life incredibly hard. I’m in my late 40s.

I find basic tasks overwhelmingly difficult.

Never got married or had kids (felt I didn’t deserve either), never did A levels or had a career. I look back and wonder what the hell happened.

Hugs. A diagnosis might help you.

Normal to me is being able to cook dinner with out setting fire to something or just cook dinner every night or clean the house or to be able to budget or listen when someone says something or to just function as an adult.

As an example one of the things in the questionnaire asked about getting up at inappropriate times and wandering about.
I can sit through a lecture or a speech but the problem I have always wrestled with is that in order to remain seated I have to mentally concentrate on sitting and not getting up and don’t listen to what is being said. I missed so many lessons at school even though I was sat in the classroom.

I found out about 2 months ago that I have adhd I'm 34... it was a lightbulb moment and finally I understood why I was so forgetful, why I kept losing things and why I couldn't cope with day to day life.

Try not to look at it as a bad thing... adhd is your superpower! You're not like other people and that's brilliant, by trying to cope and look like a 'normal' person, you've achieved so much already and are stronger than you know! Also nothing compares to a person with adhd who is hyper focusing on something!

Yeah the same job for 10 years sounds shit to me too, personally I started my own business in a creative industry and now I work from home. It's hard because I'm so disorganised but it's also a blessing because I don't have to go to work.

So in a nutshell, use this realisation that you probably have adhd as your opportunity to relax and cut yourself some slack on all the things you thought you were rubbish at

ChaoticFruitCake

I have opened up in rl about the difficulties I have just doing anything and no one seems to understand the fact that just to book soft play for a child’s birthday party and getting a cake is the equivalent of organising an expedition to conquer Everest.

There is a link between ADHD and developmental trauma. Would it be worth getting some counselling first to explore this?

Ds has the hyper focus part of ADHD. He hated school but has taught himself so much now he is out of it.

I wish I had it.

My brain is like someone throwing down ropes. The ropes are ideas and I have to cling to that rope to keep myself on track. If I get distracted then the idea or the track of the conversation is gone so I end up blurting out things or I wait for the person to finish but then forget what my reply was going to be and the conversation is lost.

Both dc couldn’t do a full time job. They have always done several different jobs on zero hours contracts.
I am worried that if I go to the Gp that I will be sent away with nothing.
Or it is something more to do with my self esteem and a product of my upbringing

“There is a link between ADHD and developmental trauma. Would it be worth getting some counselling first to explore this”

I know my upbringing was not a happy one and I remember when things got really bad I would in my mind put what had happened in a cardboard box and bury it so I didn’t have to remember it.

I am hesitant to revisit those memories as I think I would end up a mental wreck.
I get flashbacks now and then and they are too much to bare

I am autistic, diagnosed aged 40. What you are describing are all executive functioning issues which are often due to ADHD or autism, although with autism there are added sensory issues too.

Get tested. It’s really effected your life. The low esteem is fallout from the adhd, a result of struggling to do things others find easy.

The medication given really helps with focus so would help you hold down a job, coordinate yourself. I think it would be life changing for you. The esteem issues might need CBT or talking therapies though

Diagnosis and getting medication can take a long time so don’t delay obtaining a diagnosis immediately for all three of you. Therapies around trauma can be done anytime.

The gp will need to send you to a nhs consultant who can assess and then prescribe through the nhs. The private route is quite expensive but doable if you have the funds.

Go to the GP with a list of bullet points of symptoms that meet the ADHD criteria. Tell gp about the questionnaire. Tell gp about your children too. It even might be worth having one appointment after another so that you’re all seen almost at the same time. That way the gp can see the family link

I hear you.

I will make the appointment. Ds has his for later this week. Don’t think we can get them all together as he has had this appointment booked which is a telephone only consultation since before Christmas

I just feel incredibly sad that I have got to this stage in life and no one has ever said anything about my behaviour.
I have let the mask slip a couple of times and it invariably ends in friendships being broken or people looking at me differently.

Having read into it I am almost certain that if what is described as ADHD then it is spread through my whole family.
Although some members were definitely just cruel and nasty.

I don’t think I would ever be able to get a job. I tried at the beginning of the first lockdown and have got rejected from every one I applied to.
I think my age, lack of any qualifications and the fact I haven’t worked since the early 90s is going to be a stumbling block.

Those that have been diagnosed and have medication and therapy. Does it make you feel like you?

Hi Bythemillpond

Please don’t be harsh on yourself about not realising that you probably have adhd. In previous generations it was dismissed as various things, in DH family it was just ‘the family temperament’

DH is 56 and has only just been diagnosed with ASD and probable adhd, he clearly has adhd but it will be another 2 years waiting for that assessment

You say both your dc have the same problems, this is extremely common as it is now being recognised as genetically carried condition, both our teens are diagnosed with ASD and adhd

Getting diagnosed has brought peace at last for DH, it’s helped him view his family and upbringing in the rear view mirror so to speak and recognise that many other family members also have these conditions and that has led to situations that have caused deep pain in the past

The problems you describe as someone else has mentioned all appear to be executive functioning issues which appear within both conditions

There are some good books around about coping with adult adhd which might provide strategies you can implement to help while you wait for answers one we have is called ‘taking charge of adult adhd by Russell A Barkley

Tomnooktoldmeto

I will definitely get that book ordered.

Now your dh has been assessed does he feel like he can behave like himself.
Has the mask fallen or has he always been able to function within society and not cause issues with friends and colleagues by being himself
If I let this mask fall I have felt almost euphoric on letting the real me out. But the real me is a complete nut case and people who were close start to avoid me.

DH hasn’t really masked although he works in a role that is quite unique as a one man set up within a major business

He has told a couple of work superiors as his mental health took quite a hit with brexit escalating his anxiety, they took it well and put support in place for him

I’m a retired nurse and would generally be classed as a ‘nurturer’ a lot of research indicates that non neurotypical people either end up with a fellow non neurotypical person or a nurturer as a partner

We’ve been together 20 years and I have always encouraged DH to be himself, I do spend a lot of my time ‘scaffolding’ all 3 but I do so happily to ensure they function to the best of their abilities and get the most from their lives

We are in a fairly unusual position that both DD and then DH were diagnosed by the same person quite by chance. I sat in on DH’s assessment from home and the assessor commented later that while I was present DH was able to mask far more but once I left the room he was much less able too

We both hypothesised that this occurred because I have spent 20 years being the scaffold for him but without me present he reverts to self

It sounds like your dh can function quite well.

I know I can’t if I let the mask slip the only way I can describe it as someone who is bipolar and in the manic phase.

People then look at me strangely.

On one level he does cope but on another he doesn’t
In the last 20 years, the last time only 7 weeks he has made suicide bids when he has either made a mistake at work or got so anxious about potential problems at work that he has catastrophised to the point where suicide becomes logical

Both times fortunately I have intercepted him and arranged assessment, support and liaised with his employer

Sadly one of our teens is similarly affected, I spend quite a lot of my mental and emotional energy ensuring their mental health remains stable

I can really relate about making a mistake and getting wound up about things. To the point where I am sick with worry about what people think. I was actually physically ill when I was a child due to stress.
That alone should have said to someone that things weren’t right.

@Bythemillpond

“There is a link between ADHD and developmental trauma. Would it be worth getting some counselling first to explore this”

I know my upbringing was not a happy one and I remember when things got really bad I would in my mind put what had happened in a cardboard box and bury it so I didn’t have to remember it.

I am hesitant to revisit those memories as I think I would end up a mental wreck.
I get flashbacks now and then and they are too much to bare

That could be CPTSD. CPTSD can look like ADHD so worth looking into both and comparing. You may have either or both CPTSD and ADHD.

I have ADHD. I find it interesting that you say you don't have the hyperfocus part. ADHD is poorly named. It's not a deficit of attention, it's an inability to focus your attention where you need it.

This leads to an inability to focus on what you want to focus on but also the hyper focus as this is where you can't switch your focus from something to another thing when needed. The hyperfocus bit is sort of integral to the inability to focus part of ADHD if that makes sense.

To explain another way, the inability to focus attention includes being easily distracted, inability to complete tasks (so multiple unfinished tasks and projects), and inability to switch attention (so hyperfocus and buffering and procrastination).

I found a useful Venn diagram the other day explaining the difference between ADHD and CPTSD. I'll see if I can find it.

Here's an interesting article about childhood trauma and ADHD with a Venn diagram explaining the overlap in symptoms and the differences.

www.childdevelopmentclinic.com.au/adhd-and-complex-trauma.html?fbclid=IwAR27NKBU1frsf_APHssTYlANGA4mubYql--y25x2OV6Wqa3j0j8GXTYBlmM

Although I'd argue that irritability, being quick to anger and recklessness can be part of ADHD as emotional dysregulation and impulsivity are symptoms of ADHD.

The article also doesn't cover the different ADHD types - you can be hyperactive/impulsive OR inattentive OR combined. So you can have ADHD without having many or any hyperactive or impulsive traits.

Following. Thanks OP for this post. So much resonates, been thinking more and more the last few years this is me, you summed up many of my thoughts. Good luck to you all.