Adult ADHD or something else

[Bythemillpond]

Bit of a long one. I don’t even know if there is a topic I should have started this post in.

Someone my Ds was chatting to said he should get tested for ADHD. It wasn’t a nasty observation but one that others in the group agreed that it was something that he should look into. It has come up before when he was younger but I just didn’t know where to start and the Gp didn’t know what to do so I left it. We didn’t have the internet when he was small so couldn’t look up things like now.
I didn’t see anything wrong as he was just like me when I was that age.

After looking up ADHD both my children have made appointments with the doctor to see if they can get a diagnosis as a lot, if not everything that was described was exactly what they deal with everyday and it was like the things they do suddenly made sense.

I looked up and did a cursory test and if the results of the test are to be believed I too am ADHD. It would explain a lot.

What made me sad was that for the whole of my life I have felt like I was pretending to be a normal person
A lot of my decisions are based on what I think a normal person would do.
I didn’t think anyone would want me so I grabbed the first person who looked twice at me and married him. Some of the things I have been put through by dh would have a normal person running for the hills but I have clung on because I was scared of not coping on my own with 2 children.
I do really stupid things like leaving food on the hob or in the oven and forgetting about it quite regularly. I have caused several fires doing that or just filling the house with smoke.
I feel like my whole life has been a huge act and
it is exhausting.

I could blame ADHD but I don’t know if it was my upbringing that could be responsible.
Whatever I did or said was always wrong, I was always late or lost things and I had a terrible temper so was always being corrected or told off for something I did or didn’t do.
I still have the temper but because I can never judge how angry a normal person would be I tend to keep it in and am sure people think I am a doormat.
I know my self esteem is non existent. I am not sure whether that is because of ADHD or the type of upbringing I had

I haven’t held down a full time job for decades and even then I would end up either walking out of jobs after a few weeks or a couple of times I forced myself to stay and ended up so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed. My body wouldn’t move. I lay there sobbing. I have had so many jobs.
If someone offered me a full time job tomorrow and I had to do it for the next 10 years or I would have to live on the streets I think I would choose the streets.
I was homeless for a time and it was one of the happiest times of my life.
Just saying that I know makes me sound weird.

Do you think I should get properly tested or is it too late for me? If I was diagnosed as having ADHD would there be something they could do that would significantly alter my life.

All 3 of my family DD DH DS are high functioning (Aspies) with mixed anxiety disorders and Mixed adhd they don’t typically display hyperactive behaviour and are often inattentive but DD prefers to watch tv speeded up which is a hyperactive feature and they all hyper focus on some things

I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 30s. Some of what you’ve said reflects my experience (forgetfulness, being overwhelmed by adult tasks, feeling oppressed by full time work). This bit stands out though:

What made me sad was that for the whole of my life I have felt like I was pretending to be a normal person. A lot of my decisions are based on what I think a normal person would do

Obviously I can only speak from my own experience- and I’m happy to be corrected- but this doesn’t sound like ADHD to me.

I’ve heard people with ASD say very similar things though. I don’t know much about autism myself, but I do know this is a common feeling.

As can be seen in this thread, ADHD and ASD quite often co-exist. It might be worth looking into that too?

In answer to your question about medication: I don’t feel like it’s changed who I am, or made me more me. I prefer not to take the medication as I actually feel more myself without it. At the moment I’m in a situation where I need to focus for long periods of time so the effects of the medication are exactly what I need. I don’t think I’ll stay on it long-term though

Tomnooktoldmeto

DD prefers to watch tv speeded up which is a hyperactive feature

If I am watching something on my own I do that sometimes with films I might only be 1/2 interested in or if someone is creeping downstairs or making their escape. I just want to know if they get out or not so I can get on with watching the film.

NoBloodyHolly

When I was in my late teens/20s after I had gone NC with my family I think that is a time that I just decided to be me and being me involved getting through work to be able to go clubbing or going out somewhere and then coming into work and going out again and then maybe sleeping for a few hours every other day before returning to work.
It couldn’t go on as physically my body couldn’t cope.

I would look at other people my age who came to work then went home, made dinner, watched tv, went to bed then got up well rested for another day. They seemed to enjoy the work, be able to save and budget their money and be content with watching tv and going out at the weekend
I used to try and be like them but I just ended depressed and would randomly burst into tears.

Over the years I developed this mask of normality but deep down I was crying with boredom.

My son had his appointment yesterday.

He is being referred to the Mental Health unit in our local hospital although because he doesn’t self harm or is a suicide risk the doctor said it could be some time before he is seen as there are a lot of people who are suffering mentally because of Covid and not coping with lockdowns.

He thinks that it could be at least a year possibly 2 years before he gets a letter with an appointment.
Is it right that it is under the Mental Health Team? I have never really thought about what department ADHD would be under. Somehow thought there was a department for Learning difficulties.

If it is going to take this long my son said I need to get on the list as soon as possible then at least I am on the list

Hi bythemillpond

Yes 2 years is a standard lead time to get assessed, some areas have a specific team but others refer in to mental health services who will then decide which area to hand the referral to

As adhd and autism are neuro diversity conditions they fall to the mental health services who sadly at the moment are overwhelmed and underfunded

With our second child we went private due to this, had a diagnosis and treatment within 6 weeks and were then slotted into the nhs system, it’s not cheap £1200 but in his case was absolutely necessary

Thanks Tomnooktoldmeto
I thought it could be a year before he was seen at least. I don’t think we have the money to go private.

It’s good you are pushing through. You’re doing well

Lots of useful info here! Recently diagnosed myself, so liberating to understand myself better. There is a lot of online peer support on FB, youtube etc. It has been amazing finding a tribe of people who think like me!

Whoops, forgot link! ;)

youtube.com/c/HowtoADHD

I watched a few of the videos and it really resonated. I watched the one on relationships. I met and married my husband within 3 months. We had moved in together within 6 weeks. It has always been a battle between boredom and trying hard to stay married because other people seem to manage it. I think I have always been a little scared or letting me out.
When I was a teen I didn’t have any friends because I was either always forgetting dates or meet ups or just finding others boring.

I think if I hadn’t met my husband I think I would have had a succession of 6 weeks relationship.
I have a relative who can only manage 1 week relationships. She is a complete mess.
I think it looks like I was trying so hard to avoid being like my relative that I went the other way.

Now looking back I can see ADHD in a few of my relatives.

Gabor mate's book
'The scattered mind' is very helpful for children and adults.
He is a professor/doctor who has ADHD himself

Thanks I will look at that book as well.

I have an appointment to see the doctor to see if I can get referred.
I am going to have to ring the surgery back because as soon as I put the phone down I forgot the day and time.
A bit of good news, my son who had got referred and told it might be months before he could get seen as there was a backlog has an appointment in early February.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in my early 40s - medication has made a huge difference in my life. I am also fairly sure I am autistic. I have four children (sometimes I wonder if I had so many because it was "exciting" getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and then meeting yet another new person..!) and three are diagnosed with either or both of ADHD or ASD, and the youngest I am pretty sure has both but it's too early to push for diagnosis with her yet as she masks so well.

Anyway, the thing I wanted to add that stood out to me in your thread was that you said you'd never experienced hyperfocus. I wonder if it's just that you've not found the right thing, or maybe you have but not realised it was hyperfocus. We can hyperfocus on the strangest things and not realise that's what it is at the time because it feels so normal to us! Even if it's just something like researching ADHD - maybe you're hyperfocusing on that ;-)

When I first suggested I might have ASD and ADHD to my mother, she said nonsense, because I was no different to her growing up! Then she actually read about it and had a few revelations of her own This is why so many of us get diagnosed only after our children are suspected, because our culture tells us ADHD is boys bouncing on sofas, and ASD is card counting. We don't look any further until we need to. I wish so much that children were taught about these things properly in school in case they recognised themselves, to save themselves a life of struggles.

Good luck! Even just being aware you probably have it (pre-diagnosis) will help you.

When I first suggested I might have ASD and ADHD to my mother, she said nonsense, because I was no different to her growing up! Then she actually read about it and had a few revelations of her own

This was me. I kept being told Ds had ADHD as he was bouncing off the walls, literally.
I couldn’t see it as he was like me growing up.

It was only when he started to look around at his peers and realised he wasn’t the same as them did he look himself into ADHD and found he ticked virtually all of the boxes.
The only one he didn’t tick was the abuse of drugs or alcohol and that is because he hates the taste of alcohol and isn’t interested in drugs. Although if you replaced alcohol and drugs with food then he would tick every box.

I had my appointment with the doctor. Apparently I am too old.

I really could weep.

I was recently diagnosed, I'm in my 30s.

So far, the biggest difference to me is not beating myself up about every tiny little thing I forget about, just screaming at myself to be less stupid etc etc

No I just try to think - you brain doesn't work like that. You need to set a timer or reminder or whatever.

I'm kinder to myself now and it's so freeing. If I could send this feeling to you I would. Do see if you can get assessed OP

Oh I'm sorry! Cross posted! How old are you if you don't mind me asking? I know someone diagnosed in their 40s. Was it your gp you spoke to? Mine was supremely unhelpful so I went private

@Bythemillpond

I had my appointment with the doctor. Apparently I am too old.

I really could weep.

That's rubbish. Find a better doctor.

Disclosure: no-one's ever been diagnosed to my knowledge but there's something that runs through my father's family. DW, who has a psychology degree, reckons I am ASD, as do I, I suspect my brother is ADHD, and I had a very strange aunt and female cousin (daughter of father's brother - aunt never married/partnered with anyone) (both now dead, though of cancer). But we're all successful in the eyes of the world.

I am in my 50s.
The doctors surgery I am with is extremely unhelpful.
I end up going private every time I have a problem. If I waited for my doctor to diagnose or refer me for anything I think I would be waiting a very long time.

Update
I went back to the doctors and spoke to a different doctor who referred me.

I had my telephone appointment yesterday and apparently I tick a lot of boxes for ADHD. The person I spoke to asked me a few questions about my moods. She mentioned Bi polar. It hadn’t crossed my mind but thinking about it I can see a certain pattern and the way I spend money isn’t like people I know.
I can be ultra careful with money. More careful than anyone I know and can make money from nothing but then within the space of a few weeks my mood changes and I can go out and buy 3 cars or book a £6000 holiday on a credit card.

I came off the phone feeling as though ADHD was the least of my problems

Should say I have to fill out a form they will send me and return it the I have a face to face meeting.

The first things seem to have gone quite quickly. I presume the face to face meeting appointment is what takes the time.

You could ask your GP about Right to Choose . They can fast track a referral to Psychiatry UK. There is a super friendly facebook group Adult ADHD UK, lots of help/advice/support.

Also have a watch of Russell Berkley ADHD essentials on You Tube, he is very good.