11 year old only child with rage.

[Africana85]

My son is a wonderful boy, away from Fortnite and gaming. Totally different person when it comes to that game. He goes into rage towards me after I've told him several to come off and stop playing after hours of playing on it. The rage affects us in the household I don't know how to stop it, things have worsened this year, more since not being at school. My son currently has no desire or motivation to read any more, go out for walks, practice bike riding, playing board games, watching movies.
He gets angry at me and argues with me when I make these suggestions or ask/tell him to do anything.
I am open to positive criticism, suggestions, recommendations in what do do and how to go about things moving forward. My son is an only child, I am a lone parent. Things are tough I don't want my child to become unhappy or depressed not wanting to leave his bedroom or the house with Covid being the excuse.

You stop allowing him to play fortnight - it is. 13+ violent game unsuitable for him as demonstrated by his behaviour.

nationalonlinesafety.com/hub/resource/download/fortnite-battle-royale-online-safety-guide/jpg

I actually watched an article on just how bad Fortnite was for kids. The parents were saying that their kids were even wetting and soiling themselves by not wanting to move away from the game. It seems highly addictive. Kids have had to have counselling and all sorts.
If it's getting to your son as bad as you describe you may have to implement tough love, and dig in for tough times.

Wtf.

I wouldn't have that garbage in my house for an adult, let alone an impressionable child whose brain still is forming.

Pull the plug ASAP and get counseling for him ASAP.

I second what others are saying remove the game ( either hide it away untill he can show his behaviour improves or just throw it out)
Screen time in our house ( DSS is about to turn 9) is limited to half an hour on school days and an hour a day on weekends. Any kind of whinging or whining about it being turned off leads to him losing his next days tech.
Tough love is definitely needed in this situation.

I think you probably already know what you need to do. But saying and doing are two entirely different things. He needs to come off, you’ve established the game is the cause of his change in behaviour so now you need to remove the cause which I appreciate is easier said than done. If you don’t then you may well end up with a 13/14 yr old teen who is a lot more challenging to guide through life. Try Googling support groups and see if you can find help or if he’s that bad ....GP

I was in this same situation, I almost banned it in our house, then I decided to jump in and have a go, that way I'd maybe understand just why it was so important to my step son. I did and I got to know him a lot better. I started to realise that the game held many social and moral aspects that I was completely unaware of before learning how to play myself.

One day I found myself teamed up with a (maybe 9yo) brother and his very young sounding sister from the USA. I heard their mum saying goodbye, that she loves them, to have a nice night with the babysitter and they they said I love you and bye too.
During the round, I was brought to tears as the brother patiently protected and guided his sister, as her avatar inevitably was shot down repeatedly he calmly carried her to safety or built walls to shield her and healed her repeatedly each time reassuring her "it's ok, you're safe now" (the little girl clearly thinking this was the most fun and not scared but just wanting to stay in the round!)

It proved to me that it's not the game that's the problem. I saw in my own home, that teaming up with my stepson, letting him explain it all to me, opened the way for me to show him good teamwork skills and brought us closer while having a lot of fun!

Screen time in our house ( DSS is about to turn 9) is limited to half an hour on school days and an hour a day on weekends. Any kind of whinging or whining about it being turned off leads to him losing his next days tech.

We're similar except the only screen time allowed on a school day is tv and only if everything is ready for the following day and it's after 530pm. They earn their time at the weekends via reward chart during the week and in the holidays by doing sport, reading and something non screen based.

Can you set some clear expectations with your son, around screen time - when he’s allowed on, and when he can expect to be doing different things?

Get him to suggest, and then work together to come up with an agreed set of rules.

If he knows when and when he shouldn’t be on it, it might help prevent the rages when he’s told to come off it. Especially if he has some input.

It is hard OP.

My DS can become moody and tearful when asked to come off it and I know speaking to other parents they feel the same. We've found setting a timer helps, so he has 45 minutes and when it goes off he has to finish the game he's currently playing and come off. He's been a lot better since then. I think prior to this he'd always think he hadn't been on for long (he had, sometimes between 1-3 hours) but setting the timer he knows that he's played for a decent length of time.

I also find the less he goes on, the less he wants to. To be honest, if it wasn't a tool to communicate with his friends (some of whom have moved to a different school and he doesn't currently see due to covid) I'd stop it completely.

Good luck.

Why would you allow him to play fortnite?

@ProfessorSillyStuff
How much screen time do you allow per day?

I pretty much have this EXACT issue with my DS. I've talked to a lot of people about it. Apparently, gaming puts them in this fiercely competitive state which subsequently makes them snappy/angry half the time. Limiting screen time seemed to have solved it for me.

Seriously, remove the game. Permanently.

@CormoranStrike

Seriously, remove the game. Permanently.

THIS^

It is an addictive game and too advanced for a child his age. Take it away and do not return it no matter what whining or promises he makes.
It will take time, but he will experience withdrawal and eventually find other activities.

I’d say you have two choices (both outlined in previous replies).
A) you remove the inappropriate game altogether and work through the withdrawals with your child.
OR
B) you insist and implement a tight time limit of 30-60 minutes.

Personally I would go with A.

I don't limit screen time or worry too much about bedtimes. Instead I focus on if the child is thriving, eg getting enough and good quality sleep, quality of bond with each child, child's attitude and motivation, and especially 'in time' is not negotiable, eg meals at table, everybody comes on outings, homework and chores done together and done first etc.

Any bad attitude or nonsense or taking things for granted and screens disappear fast, Internet blocked on device in router management!

People do question my methods but cannot deny all my kids are happy, learning at a good level for their age and developmental trajectories and pretty well behaved thus far!

(I have a 13 year old dss, 4yo ds severe asd and non verbal, and 3yo ds moderate (probable) asd preverbal)

Interesting, thanks.

My ds and plenty of his friends play fortnite. He’s 11. Examples of wetting themselves etc - that’s extreme examples ffs. Plenty of him and his friends are fine and enjoy wider interests.

The issue is when he plays for too much. You have to restrict his screen time. Fortnite and other games raise your adrenaline so when he comes off, he’s in a heightened state. (I play it so I understand).

So, be strict with times. No more than 45 mins in one sitting. And no more than two hours a day. Learn the game structure - ie let him finish his game (you can’t save it mid game, they don’t last too long, unless it’s creative setting).

Then you turn it OFF. Don’t react to his rage. Don’t shout back. Just keep it short and sweet.

And find things to do together. We play fortnite with ds but we are also strict with getting out for walks or I go out on bike rides with him. He has guinea pigs so we play with those. But it takes strong encouragement and it means sometimes we have to do things with him that we may not necessarily enjoy (nerf war anyone 😂).

We also talk about balance - balance exercise with screen time.

And we also have days of no screens at all (it used to be two days a week) - those days are easier actually as there no asking.

Be strict, be firm, be fair.

3 strike warning. No drama, no shouting. Whenever he kicks off just say "hey i heard you kicking off, that's your first warning, 2 more and you're off" and so on until they quieten or end up with 3 strikes and have to turn the game off.

My son gets very very carried away with his games, but shouting at him and getting frustrated only feeds the emotions he's fuelled with at the time.

You can fix this easily. Ban fortnight in your home forever. You’ll feel guilty like parents often do but it’s best for him long term.

It's an addiction to something which is bad for him. You know what to do OP.

Thanks to all the comments much appreciated. Yes I know what to do its what approach I need to take. My child does suffer with some anxieties since a younger age and is sensitive. So its not as simple as just stopping the game. What also hasn't helped at all is where I have been out to work all day to come home and run the household its been tough, as my child finds he is able to sit around all day gaming while I'm at work. And has zero interest of anything once I come home. I know we need to reconnect again im just not quite sure how. I'd rather not take the GP/counselling route.

@Itsnotalwaysme

3 strike warning. No drama, no shouting. Whenever he kicks off just say "hey i heard you kicking off, that's your first warning, 2 more and you're off" and so on until they quieten or end up with 3 strikes and have to turn the game off.

My son gets very very carried away with his games, but shouting at him and getting frustrated only feeds the emotions he's fuelled with at the time.

I do this.

Ds is 16 and is a swimmer so usually very busy.

School and swimming stopped in March. Been hit and miss with college and swimming since then.

So I decided that I would let him use computer as much as he chooses inside but he knows - chores et daily must be done, must get out for a walk daily and also 3 strikes and he's out the language and screaming like a banshee.

I've always said if hes shouting and swearing he isn't enjoying it and if he can't regulate himself to have a break that as a responsible parent I'd step in and do it for him.

I've only had to switch it off twice.

My 9y old son showed at a young age he'd be the type to have a strong reaction / additixtion to iPad.

So we took it away and since home schooling he had a laptop. Allowed 1hr a day of Roblox or tv. That's it. Even when school is shut.

On car journeys allowed switch.

Devices locked away other times. dH has the key.

Sounds extreme but he goes berserk after using for long time, gets addicted, even ripped his wallpaper once when DH away and angry about it.

We're his parents and responsible for his time and well being.

He's doslwnstairs trying to show his younger sister hot to do card games at The moment.

Yes it's a lot more effort managing than just giving in. But your child is showing you what it does to him. Protect him. He can't protect himself.

@ ProfessorSillyStuff
At any stage when you were teamed up with the 9 year old and his younger sounding sister, did you consider that what you were doing was inappropriate?