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Original poster

Would you bring this up with a friend? Hurtful thing said months ago

38 replies

Somethingkindaoooo · 01/01/2021 20:06

So....
I was in an on/off dysfunctional relationship for quite a few years.
He was manipulative, I was co- dependent. I've been working very hard on my reasons for staying for so long. I think I've nailed it- I feel very different about what I deserve, etc. It has been nearly two years since the relationship has finished.

It has left scars. Ex had classic death grip, possible porn addict, would hardly touch me. I'm still struggling a bit with feeling unattractive. I go through periods of hating myself for staying in the relationship so long.

Anyhow- my friend and I went on a walk in the summer. Invariably she asked if was seeing someone ( no), I joked I would like to have sex again at some point - but with someone who genuinely fancies me, not just fwb. I said my self esteem was still rocky around my attractiveness ( as a result of the relationship).
She said " well, you kept going back".

Of course she is right, but I feel judged.
She works in mental health,has taken courses to be a counselor.

I've been trying to let it go, but can't. I'm debating discussing how hurtful it was.

Can any good come out of that sort of conversation?

OP posts:
MeMarmiteYouJam · 01/01/2021 20:13

Victim blaming bs. Unfortunately mental health professionals believe victim blaming myths at the same rate as anyone else.

Send her to www.victimfocus.org.uk and tell her to get some proper trauma informed and strengths based training.

Plonque · 01/01/2021 20:19

She works in mental health,has taken courses to be a counselor.

You could be equally insensitive by telling her she's in the wrong job and she should reconsider her career path.

I'm sorry op Thanks

Paperdolly · 01/01/2021 20:32

Help her gain knowledge by telling her how hurt you felt by her remark. Then as MeMarmiteYouJam says; point her in the direction to further education. With your guidance she could make a well informed counsellor one day. 💐

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Relationship problems
BornIn78 · 01/01/2021 20:33

I can see how you’d be hurt by what she said.

If you used her as a sounding board to offload throughout the on again off again relationship, she may have some lingering frustrations that you ignored a lot of advice, or just fatigue, supporting someone through a long and clearly dysfunctional relationship that they keep leaving and going back to can be exhausting, especially if you’re still talking about it two years later.

I don’t think any good can come of raising this with her unless you are prepared to hear some of what she might see as ‘home truths’.

This is exactly why people can’t be counsellors to their friends and family. Too close and emotionally invested. She’s not your counsellor, and she’s clearly not the friends to be discussing your issues arising from your ex-relationship in future.

But yeah she slipped up with her comment and should have kept her mouth shut.

Consciousdonkey · 01/01/2021 20:34

I suppose it depends if you're robust enough to withstand anything else she says during said conversation. I wouldn't bother tbh. Could cause a lot more hurt.

OhioOhioOhio · 01/01/2021 20:37

I wouldn't bring it up but I do understand. I've lost loads of friends because of their rude judgement.

strawberry2017 · 01/01/2021 20:47

I think the time to say something was when she said it.
Like a PP said, if she was the friend you talked to it does get a bit frustrating supporting a friend and then seeing them go repeatedly back to the person causing the pain.
I don't think it was meant in a bad way I think she was probably just stating a fact.
Some people can be blunt but at least they are honest with you.

Catsup · 01/01/2021 20:56

I can imagine it felt very hurtful and that's why it's still playing on your mind. But unfortunately I'd personally feel the time to address the comment was then. If you raise it now the chances are she'll just back peddle and state she hadn't meant it in that context, which may potentially make you feel worse or doubt yourself. If she's someone you want to continue to persue a friendship with then I'd file it and make a mental note to not regard her as a future close confidant. Failing that Covid is a very good reason to just quietly drop the friendship and move away from her.

MandosHatHair · 01/01/2021 21:08

Completely agree with @BornIn78

I wouldn't raise it with her now unless you are prepared to fall out with her. Her job and course are irrelevant to your friendship, she is not your counsellor.

AlohaLola · 01/01/2021 21:34

But she’s right? You did keep going back:

Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 01/01/2021 21:42

Thanks all....
I didn't treat her as my counsellor- I included that info for context. I kind of assumed that she would understand why people sometimes make bad choices.

@AlohaLola - yes, I'm aware.

OP posts:
Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 01/01/2021 21:43

( pressed send too soon)

Thanks all for the input Smile

OP posts:
miserableannie · 01/01/2021 21:45

Me being honest again but its probably something I would think but perhaps not say out loud. You did keep going back, and what? Let it go over your head. Your rid now

SeaEagleFeather · 01/01/2021 23:11

It's bugging you months on. Will it tinge your friendship forever?

It depends on the click between you, but given it's still haunting you I think saying something may be an idea. Saying that you appreciate her support is also a good idea, since you did.

The wording is tricky, but saying something tactfully may clear the air and may also help her understand as a counsellor to watch her words. It's very, very well known in trained circles that abusive people train their victim enough that leaving permanently is a process, not a one-off.

Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 02/01/2021 00:05

Thank you @SeaEagleFeather

OP posts:
Catsup · 02/01/2021 00:22

I totally get what pp is saying... But if you now raise it many months on she'll potentially view it as less about you, and more a personal criticism on her? And nope, it should definitely be about you as she started it... But frankly it's also a long time past, and I'd honestly think she'd less view it as a 'learning issue', and more just label you unfortunately as a 'passive aggressive arse' 😳

Itsnotagazebo · 02/01/2021 00:26

From what you've said you were talking as friends. Has she been your friend throughout this relationship? Sometimes it's really hard to be watching someone you care about returning back for more abuse.
I think what she said is crass but perhaps she took it as a friend's not professionals chatting and her own emotions blurred over.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2021 00:35

She was right though, wasn't she? Isn't a counselor, and granted she's not your counselor, supposed to help you accept responsibility and/or understand the reasons behind your choices? By doing this it is not excusing the behaviour of the abuser, but it does help the victim to avoid these abusers and abusive relationships in the future. Also, in this circumstance, she is not a counselor, she's a friend. How she interacts with you is not how she would with a patient/client.

viccytwiffy · 02/01/2021 01:03

sad stories are hard to hear even from friends, who ought to be able to help... but the depressing conversation could have caused her insensitivity... talk to family about relationships... a sister or brother... or alternatively a counsellor... don't spoil perfectly good frienships by discussing difficult and sad topics.... don't expect so much from a friend ie to have to say the right and helpful thing because when they fail.. you get hurt.. and then its a mess....

Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 02/01/2021 02:19

I had accepted responsibility, and felt well past the relationship.

She asked about my sex life, I said I was still feeling unsure of my attractiveness etc due to past relationship, and she said ' but you kept going back'. I was sharing a vulnerability, and I felt punched in the gut.

She is one of the few people that I've trusted with details about the sexual elements of the relationship. She also knew about my crappy childhood.

She has shared personal things as well, so it wasn't a one way support system- I've been there for her too. She's made some questionable decisions as well, and I've not judged.

I do believe that everyone puts a foot wrong now and then ( god knows I do)- I thought she would recognise that her judgement would be hurtful, and apologise.

I think pp who said that I expected too much is right. Or words to that effect.

I'm not going to talk to her, but I'm going to let it go, and adjust my expectations of my relationship with her.

Thanks all
☺

OP posts:
nosswith · 02/01/2021 07:34

Very hurtful thing to say. Asking why you did might have been reasonable, depending on the kind of friendship you have.

20viona · 02/01/2021 07:40

I wouldn't bring it up. At the end of the day you did keep going back and she stated a fact - I don't think your friendship could withstand the potential outcome from having this conversation if you're still stuck on this months down the line.

Dozer · 02/01/2021 07:50

It was an unkind thing to say, but v few people have the empathy, patience and tact to remain so all of the time. Presumably she hasn’t regularly said things that upset you and this was a one off or v occasional comment.

If she’s generally a kind friend whose company you enjoy, would let it go.

Nicolastuffedone · 02/01/2021 07:57

Maybe she was fed up watching you continue to make ‘bad choices’ repeatedly whilst all the while discussing your relationship? Sometimes you just run out of empathy......

LadyFoxtrot · 02/01/2021 08:15

The comment was harsh, but either you get over it and keep her friendship or don’t.

My sister stayed with an abusive guy for years, would complain non stop and expect our sympathy. We all told her how awful he was, which she wanted to hear at the time, but would then kick off at us disliking him, not wanting him to come to events etc. She made a scene at both my and my older sisters weddings related to him. I still carry some resentment even though they’ve been broken up for a year now, and when she made a comment about him ‘tearing her apart’ a few months ago I snapped back that she stayed there and let herself be torn apart. Harsh, yes. But if you are forced to bear the brunt of someone else’s choices then your sympathy can run out.

The reason I mention this is because if you feel like your friend has been exposed to the same thing from your end, maybe you can let this one go. If you don’t think this is the case, maybe your friend is just a dick. Only you know, and only you know if she’s worth keeping.