Would you bring this up with a friend? Hurtful thing said months ago

[Somethingkindaoooo]

So....
I was in an on/off dysfunctional relationship for quite a few years.
He was manipulative, I was co- dependent. I've been working very hard on my reasons for staying for so long. I think I've nailed it- I feel very different about what I deserve, etc. It has been nearly two years since the relationship has finished.

It has left scars. Ex had classic death grip, possible porn addict, would hardly touch me. I'm still struggling a bit with feeling unattractive. I go through periods of hating myself for staying in the relationship so long.

Anyhow- my friend and I went on a walk in the summer. Invariably she asked if was seeing someone ( no), I joked I would like to have sex again at some point - but with someone who genuinely fancies me, not just fwb. I said my self esteem was still rocky around my attractiveness ( as a result of the relationship).
She said " well, you kept going back".

Of course she is right, but I feel judged.
She works in mental health,has taken courses to be a counselor.

I've been trying to let it go, but can't. I'm debating discussing how hurtful it was.

Can any good come out of that sort of conversation?

She stated a fact and it’s hit a nerve

If that particular comment is still bugging you so much I wonder if you are still trying to process and understand why you did keep going back. I don’t think the comment itself is they bad tbh, just stating a fact. I’d consider doing counselling to explore why you’re still thinking about it and as above posters say... people who work in mental health aren’t in ‘work mode’ with friends and family and neither should they be. The structure and boundaries around the relationship make being a therapist/counsellor quite different to chatting with a friend.

She didn't bear the brunt of my choices.
I didn't constantly discuss it with her, or go to her.
However, I do get that it was probably hard to watch.
I grew up in a home where I was hated, resented, blamed for my dad's unhappiness, neglected and verbally abused.
It has taken me a long time to work out what healthy love looks like, and that I deserve to have it. But everyone struggles with something. Everyone. I don't pass judgement on her. She has struggles of her own - she advocates for mental health and works in a shelter.
I did expect more from her, but that was on me.

This thread has been enormously helpful though 🙂

Presumably you were talking to her as a friend and not a Counsellor? She can't be both?

She was truthful with you and you didn't like hearing the truth and it has hit a nerve 🤷‍♀️

I'm well aware of ' the truth'. I've spent a great deal of energy working on myself.

But it's a bit like- if you had a friend who over ate for emotional reasons, and they finally figured it out, you wouldn't say ' oh god, you just kept eating !'.

Or if you had a friend who had social anxiety, and they were working very hard at addressing it, you wouldn't say " well, you should have just gone out".
Lacks empathy and is generally unkind.

If she would have said ' you kept going back, it was so frustrating- I'm so glad you're finally out", then that would be fine.

It is the context of it

When I was in an on off relationship with my ex-husband about 14 years ago, only one of my mates had the guts to say something similar. I was hurt at the time but we’re still close mates and the ex is long gone. At the end of the day, what your friend said is factually correct, it’s just hard to hear

Are you sure the context in her head was the same as it is in yours?

Obviously, you were there so you’ll know the tone of it, but on first reading of your OP, I read it as ‘well you kept going back...so you must have felt like that for a long time then too, and it’s understandable that your self esteem is feeling battered’.

Instead of the way you’ve taken it. I agree it was unkind if she meant it the way you’ve heard it, but I’m sure we’ve all blurted out things that have sounded a way that was unintended.

I think you are over thinking the "context"

And yes if i had a friend who continually over ate despite going on about it all the time and ignoring advice I would be inclined to say years down the line "oh god you just kept eating"

Just the same way that if a friend who was in a bad relationship, kept asking for advice and support but kept going back despite everyone's advice I'd be inclined to be truthful when said friend suddenly had an epiphany years down the line too 🤷‍♀️

Just the same way that if a friend who was in a bad relationship, kept asking for advice and support but kept going back despite everyone's advice

I didn't ask for advice or support 🙂

Friends tell you the truth. I don't think she said it to be hurtful. She was being honest and you said it to ourself

It is very hard/frustrating to watch someone keep repeating the same mistakes over and over even if it's because they're damaged. It was blunt of her to say it but maybe she thought you were close enough to be able to be that honest? I bet she has no idea that you would still be thinking about it and upset by it and would be upset to know that she'd had such an impact for what was probably a thoughtless comment x

A lot of these sorts of comments depend on context. The same words can be tough love, or they can be sticking the boot in.

If the friend had said this during the time that the OP was leaving and then going back more than once, it would have been tough love. After the event (some time after the event?) in the context of -that- particular conversation it sounds like past frustration boiled over or that it was just simply an unsympathetic comment. Given that the friend had MH training, even more so and surprising, really.

I think that if you don't feel you can talk to her again something then it's maybe an area you can't talk much to her about, any more. Or maybe time will pass and it won't feel so bad, but personally I think I can see why it might change things.

@Nicolastuffedone

Maybe she was fed up watching you continue to make ‘bad choices’ repeatedly whilst all the while discussing your relationship? Sometimes you just run out of empathy......

This.

Drop it and move on. People can only help you so much you have to move on yourself and the best way to prove people wrong is to get on with living.
Things people say hurt but they are not always meant to be hurtful. Please don’t dwell on it Op. you can be sure she has forgotten what she said and is getting on with her life.