What to do in this situation? Child contact and clothes.

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

This may seem like a really minor gripe but its getting annoying and expensive.

My dds go to their dads every 2 weeks overnight, 2 days, 1 night, so 2, 4 days nights a month.

I send them in age appropriate, weather appropriate clothes, and he sends them back with a too small top and tights, or just a tshirt and trousers, ripped or too small underwear and socks.

I spent a couple of hundred pounds on new clothes for the winter and now they have hardly any thick trousers or jumpers or cardigans left here because he keeps all their cosy new stuff and sends them back in utter shit.

I've messaged him multiple times about this and spoken to him about it, and he says the right things but nothing changes.

I'm so upset that I've spent a fortune on clothes that he is keeping at his even though he hardly has them at all and I'm, once again, struggling to find them decent clothes at my house.

I'm currently off work on sick pay as well so things are really tight as it is, and, to save on public transport at the moment I've taken on the drop offs and pick ups as well, which is an hour round trip, which he said he will contribute to, but never does.

I don't think there's anything I can do, apart from have a rant on here about it and be frustrated.

Just wondered if anyone else had this problem and what they did about it.

I could honestly cry that I spent so much on lovely new things that they hardly have the benefit of now.

Send them in old clothes ur not bothered about or buy some cheap things from primark that ur not bothered about. A tshirt is £1.50 so easily disposable

I have a similar issue with my ex. Now I just send DC back in the same clothes they arrived at mine in and let them wear their nice stuff when they are with me.

We send them back in their mother's tatty, worn and ill fitting crap she sends them in. In your case because they're going from yours to his is make sure to bag whatever he sends them back in and that's what they wear to his next time. It's on him to dress them appropriately and given he's stolen half your wardrobe he clearly has the stuff.

If you’re dropping off and picking up and you’re fairly amicable can you tell him you’ll be collecting all the clothes that have migrates there and take them back home? Then as PP says send them in stuff you’re happy to not see again? Bin the too small and torn clothes and eventually they’ll only have clothes that fit across the two house. Until they grow out of the clothes then the cycle will start again of course

So frustrating that he seems incapable of dressing them appropriately. I bet he manages to put weather appropriate and correctly sized clothing on himself ffs.

Also why does it sound like it's only you arranging pick up and drop offs at your expense? Have him come to yours to pick up the girls and you can go get them after their time with their dad?

This is such a common problem.

At one point, DD had 6 winter coats which I had bought and they were all at his.

I have no answers. Sorry. Just sympathy xxx

Next time they go, tell him that you will be picking up all of their clothes when you collect the children. Send him a list of the clothes you know he has, and ask him to return them.

I'd also tell him that he has to do one of the trips either to collect the children from you or to drop them off.

Urgh, why do some people have to be so petty.
My 2 spend the same time with their dad. He bought stuff for his house.
So they go to him on a Friday and come home to me on a Sunday with their school uniforms all washed and in clothes he has bought. When I send them back, I give him back the clothes they wore home to me the last time. Although he’s not fussy - as long as I send them back with something (otherwise all stuff would eventually end up at my house!)
You’ll just have to talk to him. Failing that, send them back in what they wore back to you!

Ha. Oh if it was only as easy as “I will be picking up all the clothes”

I never got them. I asked and asked and never got them back.

And he wouldn’t allow me (rightly) to go in to get them. So what was I supposed to do?

(Kids are grown now but even reading this makes me anxious)

This is super annoying, petty, financially draining, and a common trick unfortunately with unhelpful ex-husbands. I had the same issue which I’m afraid I never was able to resolve completely. Unless you want to send your kids over there in shit clothes to begin with which isn’t nice for the kids. And not fair if they need warm clothes etc for the weather. We did discuss this in passing at court a few times and you could try bringing it up (in my eyes it’s a form of emotional abuse of the child and financial abuse of the mother), but as I’m sure you can predict the judge wasn’t interested and thought I was being petty to want my child clothed decently - just something that fits without holes...

Does he pay maintenance? If so he could argue that a portion of that should go to clothing so you should provide all the clothes (mine didn’t pay maintenance and still pulled this stunt so definitely start by getting maintenance if that’s not sorted). One thing you could definitely do is buy the cheapest of the cheap second hand clothes on eBay etc that at least fit and are weather appropriate without holes and just send them in those when they have time with him. Definitely don’t be sending the nice stuff you have saved for to his if they aren’t coming back. I know it feels mean on your kids to do this but seriously all that really matters is that they have suitable clothing that fits, if dad isn’t happy with the colours, brands etc he’ll have to get some clothes himself (or stop being such a dick). Remember you can change them into the clothes at your house immediately they get back if you want!

In my case it got easier when we had a custody arrangement where he collected my child from school on a Friday and dropped them back on Monday morning on his weekend, as he had to be in school uniform both times 😂 At that point he suddenly bought some decent clothes for him to have there at weekends when not in uniform as well, which were kept at dad’s house obviously.

I would genuinely look at the possibility of switching his night to a Sunday night so he sends them to school in uniform. Most men who send their kids back to the kid like this wouldn’t dare send them to school in similarly torn or small clothing. And if they do it will be noticed by teachers how little regard they have for their child. Of course when you initially send them round you’ll have to send them in a non uniform outfit along with uniform for the Monday (or leave dad to sort that 😂), and then that outfit will stay at dads for the future so choose it carefully!

You have to play them at their own game a bit if they are going to be this petty and you don’t think he will respond to a polite request to send them back on the clothes they are sent in (most men who do this know exactly what they are doing!).

@CatFaceCats Good for you that your ex is reasonable. Sadly, not all parents are. My ex regularly keeps clothes I buy for the kids and they regularly turn up at mine in tatty old stuff. Many of us can't afford to kit out multiple children in 3 separate households.

I'm doing all the drop offs and pick ups as he would have to use public transport, which he used to, but during lockdown one I started drop offs and pick ups and its just continued. I would rather not have them on public transport at the moment so I don't mind too much, he is saving a considerable amount per month on buses, trains and taxis though.

He sends the older one back in the younger ones things, they aren't too dissimilar in ages so, although a bit nippy, she can get the tops on, which is probably why she ends up with no trousers on.

I guess I'll just tell him to bag up the clothes of mine he has there and tell him I'm picking them up when I drop the girls off next. I was hoping not to be petty, and was happy for stuff to go between houses, but its only going one way at the minute.

I'm not sure I could send dd to his in a tshirt and tights, as he does. She gets cold really quickly and had pneumonia and other complications a couple of years back, which she still goes to the hospital for, so I really worry about her not being warm. He clearly doesn't have the same concerns.

I wish I lived near a primark. It would make life a lot easier.

Thanks for reading my long bloody rant and thanks for taking the time to reply

Go round to his house, bang on the door and say you need it back?

How old are they? Do they dress themselves?

Buy a tat bundle off Facebook or ebay clean but worn clothing and use that put out a request on freegle asking for clothing too

We have had problems with stepson and clothes in the past, his mother absolutely refused to send any on a Friday for after school and said he had to be returned on Sunday in his school uniform 😳 we happily buy him clothes but a full set was going home every Sunday never to be seen again. We have eventually came to the agreement that he is sent with a set of clothes he goes home in. We didn't have any kind of issue with buying/providing clothes but not losing a full set every week never to be seen again! Just send them in (rubbish) set and asked for them to be returned in them. I understand your frustration at buying lovely stuff and it disappearing, I hope it gets sorted soon.

send DC back in the same clothes they arrived at mine in and let them wear their nice stuff when they are with me.

I'd do this. He's using you as his own personal shopper. Why should he buy nice stuff when you provide it for free.

He can't do any school runs etc, because he's a working parent don't you know 😂 (me too, with hundreds of pounds a month childcare fees and I have to find flexibility around appointments etc).

He didn't even want set contact times but I forced the issue and we have now settled into a routine of sorts, although he is very inflexible (charged me to look after the girls while I went into hospital for surgery or he wouldn't have looked after them, it was outwith his visitation).

He talks a great talk of being a great parent, but he does the absolute minimum he possibly can to look like a nice guy without actually considering them, then calls me a shut mum, selfish blah blah, usual story.

I know he will be parading them about in the lovely clothes I bought, and then taking pictures if I sent them in small tshirts and tights and show them to everyone to make me out to be neglectful and him to be wonder dad.

They are both under 5 so not able to deal with clothing themselves yet, unfortunately.

I have to deal with this all the time (mainly school uniform related)

And I was the one labelled as abusive by professionals.

There’s nothing you can do - you just have to keep replacing.

It’s financial abuse but no fucker cares

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

He can't do any school runs etc, because he's a working parent don't you know 😂 (me too, with hundreds of pounds a month childcare fees and I have to find flexibility around appointments etc).

He didn't even want set contact times but I forced the issue and we have now settled into a routine of sorts, although he is very inflexible (charged me to look after the girls while I went into hospital for surgery or he wouldn't have looked after them, it was outwith his visitation).

He talks a great talk of being a great parent, but he does the absolute minimum he possibly can to look like a nice guy without actually considering them, then calls me a shut mum, selfish blah blah, usual story.

I know he will be parading them about in the lovely clothes I bought, and then taking pictures if I sent them in small tshirts and tights and show them to everyone to make me out to be neglectful and him to be wonder dad.

Yup - abd that’s the name of the game: a smear campaign

Infuriating isn't it. My ex would do the same. I wish and wish I had kicked up a weekly fuss to get her nice clothes back. I was so relieved to have gone that I put up with a lot just to keep the peace.
I think that as he (briefly) paid maintenance he had the opinion that he paid for the clothes.
My dd would tell me how she would wear nice clothes and then be told to change into too small etc for the trip back to me.
Nasty little man and I am so glad he is an ex.
Make a list and email or text it.
I have read on mn that sometimes, clothes buying and ownership etc can be addressed in court stuff.
Good luck op x

Apologies if its ready been said but next time you drop off/pick up collect up all DC's clothes from his. If they are k ly there a couple of times a month he doesn't need the clothes as you will be sending them with a sufficient wardrobe to cover their stay. Each time you drop off discuss what you have provided them with and tell ex that you would like him to ensure he returns their clothes with them and make sure you collect the clothes

Can you buy bundles off Ebay or see if there is a FB clothing bank near you? FB market place also is a good place to find cheap bits.

Ask for everything back and he refuses then just send them over in the clothes they are standing up in. He has everything he needs there now. Going forward I would wait to rotate out their outgrown clothes and just send them in the things that they have very little use left in. It might be a cm to short in the sleeve etc but it would still fit and leaves you with a wardrobe.

Agree with others that it would be a good idea to buy a big bundle of clothes cheaply on Facebook marketplace. Then all the new clothes can stay at your house.